Needy men, online dating

[Nevergoingtolearn]

I have been online dating on and off for a few months, have met a few men ( things haven't worked out ) and tbh I haven't really enjoyed the whole ever enact, I removed my self fro the dating sites last week but continued talking to one guy as we were getting one really well. I asked him a few days ago if he had told me everything about himself ( important things that I might need to know before getting into any kind of relationship with him ), he told me quite a lot about his past but things I really didn't need to know, I just wanted to know things that may effect him now, not what he got up too when he was 18. We were getting on really well, I was ok with what he had done in the past but then things changed, he started acting really needy, messaging me every 5 minutes and messaging me when he had been drinking ( something that really anoys me as I'm not a big drinker, he seems to drink most nights ). I'm not good with the whole 'needy man' thing, I have just got out of a long marriage with someone who was very needy ( had a lot of emotional problems ) so this has scared me off somewhat.

It's not just this guy but it seems to be every guy I have met, are all men needy? Is it just a online dating thing?

I'm not a needy person myself, I'm quite independent and wouldn't want to rely on another person so support me emotionally and physically, I have 2 dc's who are needy enough, I don't need a extra one.

So is it a male thing? Is there any chance of finding someone who isn't needy and doesn't have emotional or mental health problems online? Maybe I just attract these people?

I'm close to giving up on men altogether

I think that just sounds like bad luck, OP, I'm sure there are plenty non needy ones out there. It's whether or not you can be bothered to look, and it sounds like you can't, and I don't blame you, I'm with you there!

But the positive is you spotted it straight away and cut him off straight away rather than let him drag you down

I don't give my number out any more. I find most men want to chat/message all day and night even if they are in work. My phone would be pinging constantly.

And yes some people over share very early on, before you have even met. Keep it light and casual until you meet up.

I want a relationship but it's so much gaggle trying to find someone, it's so much harder than it was when I was in my early 20's, most men my age seem to come with baggage and problems, I just want a man that will treat me right without suffocating me and a man that doesn't need looking after, not too much to ask?

I don't go out a lot, I don't have a huge amount of friends so meeting people is tricky ( which is why I tried online ), I think I might be single for a long time

You're not alone in feeling alone, OP. I feel very much like you do.

I only found men without weirdo baggage when I tried out someone a bit younger! Which is fun. Not going anywhere, but a fun distraction. It is harder if you want a relationship - it can feel like a total slog trying to find someone and feeling like everyone you give a chance to is just wasting your time and your makeup. So if I ever have a flutter on a dating site, I never expect to meet anyone that will be what I am looking for. I don't have many suggestions, but I know how you feel.

Nevergoingtolearn ToGoBoldly baggage?, most all have a baggage train following them around men and women its a real pain but it seems to me that you have to go thru a lot of hoops to find someone who hasn't got one!. Its just life, did anyone ever say it was perfect if they did any idea what they were on;?.

I'm sure most all of us want a relationship its like a lot of things when its going well you can be on top of the world, when its not theres that bottomless pit of misery. Like sex, fantastic when there's someone where your coupled in mind body and spirit and there's that most awful event rape.

Somewhere just somewhere there's a middle ground, finding that bit of land isn't easy but there are a lot of people around even on this site;) who have found contentment and happiness, but as said, it ain't easy;!.

I think that its best not to expect too much, realise that others have their faults and I'm sure then you do try to see that there's a place called the real world and that's brimful of contradictions and imperfections and prats and barstewards try to be accepting of some faults in others and there might be the happiness you seek:)

nb: that man or girl of your dreams, well leave him/her there where he's best placed -in your dreams;)

Best of luck . i

There's a difference between just having life's shit thrown at you and being a mature human being with experiences, and a needy, whiny person with baggage determined to drag a new partner down with you. In dating I cut the latter off pretty sharpish these days. It's simply called having standards, it's not unrealistic expectatoions.

There's nothing you can teach me about the real world, Justaboy.

In my experience, men tend to be socialised to be less able to explore and discuss their emotional needs, or even to recognise them. Then when they meet a woman they experience all their emotional needs without the emotional language to recognise how they are feeling and what those needs are about,
There is an element of feeling safe within a relationship to ask to have those needs met.
None of that is exclusive to men of course but I think that male and female gender roles play a part. Men are also often socialised to believe that women have a duty to meet their emotional needs.
This can all create some very needy and emotionally illiterate men who latch on to any woman who shows them affection. You have no duty to put up with any level of neediness.

Fair comment TGB and OBM its just then a "weeding" process. However is it that simple?, its surely not such a black and white distinction. Or are their levels of variance and its just finding what level of that we can tolerate?.

We've found our levels, thanks. I tolerate no shit from any man. This OP's date showed a level of neediness that she did not wish to tolerate. That's it. It wasn't something that she could work with, it was beyond what should be expected from a partner, especially at the very early stage they were at when things are supposed to be fun. It's better to be alone than keep your standards than to be with someone substandard.

Sorry justaboy I don't understand you. What are you asking?

I'd hazard a guess he's saying we should give all these needy men a chance and bend over backwards to accommodate their foibles

OBMcN more of less what i said is there a defined "neediness" syndrome or is it just a set of variables or a level that's acceptable or a trigger point. Sorry if that's a bit analytical its the way this braincell thinks sometimes;!.

Please don't apologise for your perceived 'analytical' posts
I assure you I have a very analytical brain and I have no difficulty in general in understanding the points made on this board.
Is there a defined 'neediness' syndrome? Strange question. I'd say people's attachment behaviour and early experiences can heavily impact their adult relationship styles, but it's not a syndrome. The variables are of course different in all individuals and the level at which it is unacceptable will vary from person to person. I think all that is obvious and doesn't really need to be stated or debated.

Did you literally word it as 'have you told me everything I need to know'? I don't know what this says about me but I would quite possibly take that as a hint that you want more from me, maybe that's what he's done?

Fair comment OBMcN. But are we not male and female all "needy" in some way or other or to some degree or not. Do you see this as a very easy to define thing or is it mixed in with whatever faults shortcomings whatever a person may have?. It seems to me that to you this is something you pick up very early. I'm just trying to get my head around that that's all:)

If i may quote from another post.

It's not just this guy but it seems to be every guy I have met, are all men needy? Is it just a online dating thing?

I'm not a needy person myself, I'm quite independent and wouldn't want to rely on another person so support me emotionally and physically, I have 2 dc's who are needy enough, I don't need a extra one.

"So is it a male thing? Is there any chance of finding someone who isn't needy and doesn't have emotional or mental health problems online? Maybe I just attract these people"?

So Is this something that they haven't "grown up" or haven't accepted their "adult" life as it were?.

A form of insecurity it seems?.

Or a particular "sensitivity" to this that someone might have?.

Simple example, eldest DD cannot stand anyone eating the slightest bit noisily it almost makes her ill!. Whereas with others they may not even notice it.

Probably not quite that simple?.

OP. To declare that you don't want to have to rely on anyone for emotional support suggests you have your own baggage. We are social animals, emotional interdependence makes us who we are. Maybe you're displacing a deeper fear of emotional attachment?

You don't like him, don't date him - I'm not suggesting with my comment in a moment that you should change your mind!

But...

I think it's really full on to ask if you have been told everything, asking a man you haven't even met yet! Bit unfair (possibly?) to complain he told you stuff you don't care about! It sounds like possibly you have encouraged him to open up to you. The thing is, when people share emotional things, they feel closer to someone. So if he told you some quite personal stuff, he'll be feeling a closer connection. Wrongly, our brains haven't evolved yet for OLD and remembering that we haven't met yet!

I'm really open about pretty much anything, not really any taboo subjects. One thing I get all the time from men (real life and OLD) is them saying I'm easy to talk to. And have often been told "I've never actually told anyone this before..."
I'm not quite sure why, but as I say - I think it's because I ask questions a lot and leave it to the other person to decide where their boundary is.

So - the neediness might just be because he feels (erroneously) close to you after over sharing, because he didn't realise you hadn't asked him to!

But if he's not for you - move on!

I think that 'neediness' stems from unmet emotional needs. Of course everyone has emotional needs but the more emotionally literate a person is, the more they can identify those needs, identify what might not be a healthy need (for example the need to control a person's movements in order to feel secure) and find healthy ways to meet those needs.
Emotional literacy evolves through infancy and childhood experiences. Attachment relationships and parenting play a part.
I think that there is a difference in the ways that boys and girls are socialised to identify their emotional needs (girls are encouraged to talk about feelings, boys to man up and be strong) and in the way that they address them (girls and women nurture others, boys and men expect nurturing).
All these factors add up to a fuckton of needy men. If you are a woman who has no truck with needy people you are likely to find this irksome.

No its not all men and there are plenty of success stories from OLD. Though I would say far more horror stories..
However I appear to have struck lucky on OLD after countless silly messages, lewd messages, messages from the USA etc I received one thoughtful message and we dated and are still dating! (Or rather very much an item)
I don't think you should give up on it. I don't see why people do if you are still hoping to date or have a relationship.
It seems that people try it for say 6 months, get pissed off with all the crap and say 'oh its crap it didn't work for me' when really its just a lottery. You have to be in it to win it.
I always suggest that people leave the profile up but don't waste your time engaging with the guys that say hi and nothing else or comment on your appearance or live too far away. Run the OLD in the background of your life whilst getting on with the real world. Maybe just maybe you will get an email worth answering maybe you won't. But you won't get any if you have no profile.
I used to look online once a week which must have put me near the top of the profiles and maybe as being online 2 days ago as opposed to last on line more than 30 days ago.
Ditch this guy though. He sounds too much like hard work.

I also think our interpretation of neediness is very much linked to the undefinable "spark".

I met someone OLD, he said "you make my laugh so much" and I was all because I fancy the arse off him.

Last night I was talking to another guy - we first spoke on Match, but I chose not to meet him, I actually lied about maybe getting back with my ex - he was the first person I'd agreed to meet, and I moved too quickly, honestly. I liked chatting to him, but no instant spark like with the other guy, later.

So he got back in touch this week. I'd come up on his fb as a suggestion (genuine - fb told me it matched us via my number which he had). He said he hoped it worked with my ex. I said no, but I was happily dating another guy now. He told me he was seeing a friend of a friend - genuine, his fb feed showed that.

So... we've chatted a bit (common interests) and last night he said I really made him laugh.

My reaction? Ooooooh - you're really needy. You want more. You're flattering me. Run run run!

But he did the EXACT same thing as the man I like!

I really think that we can perceive "needy" when simply, we're just not into them. If you fancy someone and they tell you their secrets from age 18, you are really pleased!

So I think it may be your feelings about him as well as his behaviour?

I didn't word it ' have you told me everything I need to know', he was getting a bit full on, he asked me if I felt the same towards him and I said 'well I don't really know everything about you yet', he asked me 'what would you like to know?' So I said 'everything' ( didn't know what else to say ).

I know everyone comes with baggage and yes I come with a bit, this man doesn't have that much baggage ( no kids, no evil ex ) but I think he may have metal health issues. We have been chatting for a month or so but he gets very full on. He's overly romantic ( I don't want to be fussed over or treated like royalty, flowers once and a while would be fine ) .

How can he be overly romantic when you haven't met?
(I'm asking that in a curious way, I have no idea! Not a challenging way )

He keeps suggesting things he would do if we were together, how he would treat me, places he would take me and things he would buy me ( flowers etc..), it's all very OTT and a bit scary.

That sounds very off putting.

Yeah, that would have put me off long before the stuff about everything that happened in his life for years

I just want to talk to people before I meet them, not hear all the grandiose bull about how they'll treat me say it once, that's enough. Now go back to impressing me with shared interests and a sense of humour.