Is this my over active imagination / result of watching Dr Foster?

[Redredwinegoestomyhead]

Husband works long hours. Tired and difficult to engage with when home. Travelled with young, female work collegue (8 hours in car together ) to meeting but didn't mention it, only discovered with later 'slip of the tongue '. Seen texts to her calling her by pet name. Seen texts to him saying 'thankyou for leaving my favourite sweets on my desk'. Goes in to office at weekends to do work with her. Denies anything untoward so I'm just waiting to see if/ what happens.

Ohhhh!!! Op I'm in exactly your position!! In the first episode of dr foster I balled my eyes out as I recognised the pain and distress when you think your loved one is cheating.
Sadly like you I'm still waiting to find out. We have lots of similarities, work colleague, she's younger , there justb'friends' , he classes her as ugly and overweight' . My dh works extremely late, comes home hardly speakers to me and falls asleep!! Miserable life isn't it!!

But every time I mention something I'm made to feel like I'm going mad!! It's all in my head blah blah bloody blah!!

No advice to give but I know how you feel
And it's awful!! but like you I don't want to walk away until I have real proof as I could be so wrong!! Hugs xx

He is flattered by her , she is stroking his ego . She may or may not be attracted to him. I have know very attractive younger women shag their married boss- always in exchange for a promotion.

He is living out a fantasy he us in love with her.
The ball will be in her court, what can he offer her?

Go on holiday and enjoy yourself. Set up surveillance if you can.
Then think of yourself , do you really want to be with such a boring, selfish man?

Most men who have affairs do it because they want their ego stroked and she ticks the boxes.
Affairs with work colleagues are very common.

Has he brought home much more overtime pay during this last year of working long hours? Or at least had a promotion for it? I can't think of many professions where starting at 4am and finishing late is suddenly expected with nothing tangible to show for it.

Or if he's genuinely working long hours that really can't be helped he should be discussing the stress of it all with you and whether it's worth doing at the expense of your relationship, not shutting you out. Why is he finding the time and emotional energy to buy "sweeties" for his colleague and come up with pet names for her but can't even spend half an hour watching TV with his own wife?

Either way it's not good (sorry but I would bet money on the long hours being extracurricular).

What do you mean real proof?

Your husbands (OP and Louisa) are treating you like shit, hardly speak to you or spend any time with you, come home, fall asleep, in the OP's case, in separate beds.

By contrast they are spending lots of time with younger female colleague, fondly frequent texting, pet names, little gifts etc etc and when challenged are dismissive and critical of you for daring to even suggest that their behaviour out of order.

So wife is being treated like shit, while husband lavishes his time and attention on younger female colleague. What 'proof' exactly is it you need to see that you are being taken for mugs by the men you are married to? Whether they are shagging these women or not, is almost incidental.

You aren't going mad, and it isn't all in your head ... so what is it you are waiting for exactly?

How are things post holiday Red ?

Hi, Milkshake not much better if I am being honest, however, the holiday did me good and I see things with a different perspective. I have no proof of an affair and without that I'm not prepared to LTB. If I do get proof, although I'm not going to actively snoop, that would be a different matter. I do believe if you give someone enough rope they'll hang themselves.

In the meantime I intend to enjoy my life without focusing on him. I do love my life ( albeit independent from H) as I have great friends and a good social life. I love my pets and my home too. I've been divorced once 15 years ago and I still feel traumatised by that so I'm not willing to rush into another one. Really enjoyed Dr Foster, I hope they do some more episodes.

Thanks for asking

I'm so pleased to hear your not obsessing over it and allowing him & your thoughts to run your life.
It's so easy to get obsessed with looking for evidence (been there, done that).
Take care

I recognise the way your husband is behaving. It's exactly the same as my husband was when he was having a fling with a co worker. He worked ridiculous hours- if I'd followed him when he left the house at 'stupid o'clock' in the dark I'd have seen him walk to her house for a shag before work. I asked him for his phone out of the blue with no warning one day, he handed it over straight away because he assumed I'd either not take it or hand it straight back but when I said "I'll hang onto this for today if you don't mind" he turned into a monster & wrestled me to get it back. I also counted the condoms he keeps in the bedroom, needless to say the evidence was there. I hope in your case your suspicions are wrong because this is the most painful experience of my life. Best wishes to you.

I don't think you should jump to conclusions. When I was in my 20's, I worked with men in their late 40's and I only ever saw them as father figure types. My boss was quite lovely to me, and I know for a fact he did not see me as anything other than a girl who was the same age as his kids.

I would actively snoop. Sorry! Maybe that's just me. I would go thru texts and e-mails and get your facts.

You have to do something, to sort out this sorry situation though. Sleeping in separate beds and I assume not being intimate, will no doubt lead to a split in the end, even if there is no affair. You are acting like lodgers. I don't think his 4am start was reason to leave the marital bed! My DH used to get up at 4am, and it did not cross my mind to move in to the spare room!

Do you work? Is there too much pressure on him to earn all the money? Could you earn more, meaning that he can work less, thus creating more time together?

You need to make an arrangement to sit down and talk. This cannot continue as it is.