Is this my over active imagination / result of watching Dr Foster?

[Redredwinegoestomyhead]

Husband works long hours. Tired and difficult to engage with when home. Travelled with young, female work collegue (8 hours in car together ) to meeting but didn't mention it, only discovered with later 'slip of the tongue '. Seen texts to her calling her by pet name. Seen texts to him saying 'thankyou for leaving my favourite sweets on my desk'. Goes in to office at weekends to do work with her. Denies anything untoward so I'm just waiting to see if/ what happens.

brokenhearted indeed you are. From my experience (my DDad, no less) they don't change. Even when they are 60+ years old, they don't change.

broken it cheers me to see you type that

I worked with a woman who slept with our much elder boss to get a promotion.
She got the promotion.
She then applied for another promotion and threatened to tell his wife about the initial fling.
She got that promotion too.
So sadly, yes it happens.

I've never had any colleague call me by a pet name.

It's not uncommon for 50+ yo men to fall in lust with women who are young enough to be their daughters, nor for young women to be attracted to much older married men.

Has he recently started taking more care over his appearance? Does he dress up or down to work at weekends and is he contactable on his office number during the extra hours he's ostensibly putting in?

Have you given consideration to installing a discreet remote webcam in your hallway or living room so that you can monitor who is coming into your home while you're on holiday?

Redredwinegoestomyhead . been following the good Dr Foster and as a man I feel on her side poor woman.

However.

I have not worked under those cosy office environments but on my own a lot of the time and in male only situations but i suppose its not unusual that these situations do arise after all he probably spends more hours with this young floozie and they probably have a common work interest and find that easy to talk about and share. Suppose also that shes young 'n pretty and him being male will probably flirt a bit with her. Now that may OK will be a big ego booster to him in that he will feel he is still attractive to the female kind and young ones to boot.

So he's 50 shes in her early 20's?. Well I do know that it is very easy for a girl of that age to be impressed with an older man, seen that happen, there might be a bit of a "daddy" syndrome there but people aren't ageing quite as they used to nowadays and perhaps that is a contributing factor?.

I'm coming to think that this is a problem that will not go away male marries girl who he thinks a lot off then married life, mortgages work child rearing maybe a lessening of the sex takes that shine off what once was. Then young girl comes along flatters that ever so fragile ego and problems!. If he handles them well may not be a problem if he doesn't trouble and big trouble an grief!. Yes and of course he did promise not to and to forsake all others.

Or is it just the "man" and not the "men"?. Some are philanders some are dutiful husbands some are somewhere in between some are simply slobs.
Or is it something we make too much of here in the UK?. Now i was told by an older French woman that she never expected to hear from her hubby during Cinq à sept, 5 till 7, that was the time he'd be with his mistress, she said that a lot of French women just accepted it as part of the way things were especially in Paris and rarely there was a problem. It was as if she recognised that things would change when they were married as that was the nature of a man tied down, her phrase not mine one other was "marry your mistress and that creates a vacancy".

Not condoning that or disparaging it just trying to reason and understand how people think and act .

As to poor Dr Foster that I reckon more surprises to come yet, she it seems is now after some extra male attention!.

Hey ho..

A webcam.... What a good idea.....as long it isn't discovered.

A seach of eBay for a 'spy cam' or 'nanny cam' shows that motion detection cameras come disguised as alarm clocks, coat hooks, smoke alarms, and light switches, as well those that are so tiny it's unlikely that they'd be spotted by anyone who wasn't aware of it, Lady.

Perhaps you can read the milometer of your dh's car before he sets off to work this weekend and check it after his return to see if it's what would be expected from a journey to and from his office, OP?

As an alternative POV, nothing might be going on! Any aberrant behaviour is generally assumed by Mumsnetters to indicate an affair whilst all other possibilities are ignored.

You've said he's a workaholic and works long hours. Has this all of a sudden happened or has he always been like this?Could he be particularly stressed about a project or God forbid, redundancy, which has led to him working longer hours and being stressed?

Re. the phone. He seems to have been happy to show it to you and doesn't appear to be deleting texts.

It's odd to see that people think that you can't be friends with a colleague or with people of different ages or sex.

Give yourselves both a chance and don't assume the worst. And never ask Mumsnet if your husband is having an affair because the answer will always be yes.

Hope things work out for you.

These "female friendships" are never with older women are they ? Perhaps women with varicose veins or frizzy hair. A bit careworn because they work FT and have 3 teenage kids. That dress in British Home Store's finest.

Funny, that

I have had a male married colleague behave like this towards me - would leave chocolates on my desk, compliment me on my appearance if I wore a new dress or did my hair, had a nickname for me. All innocent by zampa's reckoning. Until then he asked if he could kiss me after the Christmas do and propositioned me for an affair.

It's not innocent.

(I didn't accept btw)

Zampa he has always been work driven but his work hours have increased significantly in the last year. He has also distanced himself from me which has arroused my suspicions. He comes home late and just goes to sleep. He doesn't interact to even watch tv. I've started sleeping in the spare room as his early starts ( 4am) disturb my sleeping pattern. He didn't seem to mind when I left the marital bed.

It seems that mumsnet has many posts like these and we all want to believe an innocent explanation for our gut feelings. I can't wait to go on holiday to clear my head and think properly.

this isn't a marriage any more, is it ?

Not at the moment. He says he will make more effort when I come back from my holiday.
Sorry you had that experience 55a

do you think it's ok to have to virtually force him to "make more effort"

and what is his definition of "more effort" ?

No, it's not ok to force him to make more effort. The harsh fact is he doesn't want to.

I'd consider leaving some booby traps or something while you're away to see if anyone (who should be) goes into the bedrooms?
I'd be pretty suspicious in your shoes I think.

He agrees his home/work balance is skewed & I will notice a change when I get back from my holiday.

Why are you giving him more chances to make you feel like shit when you know he doesn't want to make more effort ?

I suppose I'm afraid of facing it.....I don't know if there's any OW involved but it's as clear as day he's not interested in me anymore. When, we spend time together he makes me laugh. He is good company and generous ( not with his time though). I just don't like giving up. I know if he was prepared to invest more in our marriage we could be happy. If he's not prepared then I'm flogging a dead horse.

your life, your choice

it wouldn't be mine

OP you say " I just don't like giving up."

I have to say, I've seen a few people feeling that way and mostly it just prolongs an unhappy relationship. Sorry

would you carry on banging your head against a brick wall because you "don't want to give up?"

because that is what you are doing