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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pants on fire liar wwyd

44 replies

Bettyblue45 · 16/09/2015 18:16

Dh and I have been married 10 yrs and had ups and downs but nothing big.

He went out last Thursday with an ex female work colleague and her boyfriend. last Thursday night. Came back and told me all about their connversation - all three of them. However last night I found out that her boyfriend wasn't there and it was just her. Asked him why he was lying and and who he'd met last thurs and he lied again saying he'd met both of them. Finally realised the game was up and told me yes it was just her but he lied bcos I'm so paranoid about her.

When they worked together there was a long history in emails - nothing sexy - lots of chat, coffees, in jokes and xxx's. Btw I don't get the number of chat emails that pass through their in boxes. He now deletes all her emails after I fumed about them.

Don't know what to do he says there is nothing going on but he lied to me about meeting and I completely believed him so how do I trust him. Oh yes I did get a 'sorry' with the 'but I had to do it cos your paranoid'. Feel let down, ashamed ( as people think we have a good relationship so finding it hard to talk to others) and sad.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 16/09/2015 18:19

You've every right to be suspicious. Wonder if her BF knew she was out with your H? Red flag sadly.

moopymoodle · 16/09/2015 18:20

He's lying because he's upto something! I suspect he's infatuated and she boosts his ego, he clearly doesn't respect you to lie and deceive you. I'd be fuming

ToGoBoldly · 16/09/2015 18:24

Sounds dodgy - lying to you is not acceptable, whatever else happened. Neither is the apology with the caveat that he only lied because you are batshit. Nor the deleting emails (he prob just uses anothed account )

Does she even have a boyfriend?

You haven't done anything shameful so don't feel ashamed.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 18:25

If he hasn't shagged her yet, he wants to

Tell him to fuck right off

magoria · 16/09/2015 18:33

Ahh he 'lied because you are paranoid'.

He deletes all his email 'because you are paranoid'.

No he lied because he prefers chatting to her and wanted to meet her on their own for a date (what else do you call a night out alone with another woman?) without you knowing about it. He lied and lied and lied. Not once but multiple times to get this date with her.

Her DP would be there.
The conversation between the 3 of them.
When you asked who was there.

You can't trust a liar because... they lie

This man has no respect for you or your relationship.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/09/2015 18:34

Paranoid ? but accurate it would seem. Any of those 'ups and downs' you refer to concern his sense of priorities or inappropriate contact? Why would he feel the need to lie if it's all above board? I might test the water by suggesting a night out for the four of you. See what his reaction is.

Btw no matter what image we like to portray, truth will out. A real friend wouldn't gloat. If you want to run this by someone in rl talk to someone discreet you trust not to blab. It is your husband at fault not you.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 16/09/2015 18:43

A quote from a very wise woman:

"When everybody is out to get you, paranoia is just Good Sense".

HTH

molyholy · 16/09/2015 18:46

I would be fuming if my husband did this to me and then to have the audacity to tell you you're paranoid. Cheeky fucker!!!!! Not helpful sorry, but cannot get over the cheek of him!

Original poster

Bettyblue45 · 16/09/2015 18:49

Thank you Mumsnetters for your kind and supportive words. first time I have posted. Yes bf knew they met up they all worked together at one point. No inappropriate contact in past. Just general ups and downs of relationship. I once had a drunken kiss v early on but fessed up straight away as I can't stand lies. And I'm a pants liar.

I don't mind that he feels he need to meet her for an ego boost as sometimes a bit of flirty banter just makes you feel young and sexy again. What has really shaken me is the blatant lies along with a whole conversation about how the night went. How do you have a relationship with someone that you can't tell is lying to you? Where do I/ we go from here?

OP posts:

ToGoBoldly · 16/09/2015 18:56

I don't mind that he feels he need to meet her for an ego boost as sometimes a bit of flirty banter just makes you feel young and sexy again.

Er, don't tell him this unless you want to give out licence to cheat

Joysmum · 16/09/2015 19:25

Actually he lied because he knew you'd be hurt but he was prepared to risk that because meeting her was more important than your feelings in this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/09/2015 19:36

Imagine the effort of regaling you with, "he said, she said, I said to them" .

Penfold007 · 16/09/2015 19:41

ToGo if he needs the ego boost of a flirt with another woman he isn't committed to your relationship.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 19:54

Don't give this bloke's ego any more massage than he already has

Don't be "cool" about him lying and taking the piss out of you

Surely you deserve better than that ?

Original poster

Bettyblue45 · 16/09/2015 20:14

Anyfucker I'm definitely not cool about him lying. He's come back home to apologise but I can't speak to him without shouting and ds is worried we'll split up. Told him I don't want to speak to him but he's carried on saying he was stupid and nothing like this has ever happened. He 'panicked'.

Donkeysdontridebicycles - I know the 'he said she said' would be funny if I wasn't so angry.

He realises he has done a shitty thing but is ready dressed to go training like he usually does on a weds night. So I'm guessing he was hoping it would be sorted in a couple of hours before he went training.

Asked to look at his email. Asked about deleted messages said they don't really email any more just text msgs. Those too are all gone. He said he will do a thing to fix it. So I asked him to email her just a hello so that I can see her response but he won't 'as the issue is btween us two!' Oh fuck fuckity fuck!

OP posts:

bjrce · 16/09/2015 20:31

He won't email in front of you?
Sorry but that is really bad, he's still lying, your instinct is there for a reason.

Call his bluff, tell him if he doesn't email her in front of you right now, He can leave, he's just proved there is something going, don't bother to deny, but he probably just fuvkrd off to him training aleady and emailing her like mad to cover up, I am very sorry

AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 20:33

he is dodgy is fuck

it would be brushing that under the carpet that would mark you as "cool" ie. one of those bloody handmaidens that think every woman should be in a relationship with a man no matter how shit he is

AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 20:33

*as

AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 20:34

he isn't going training, love

he is getting his story straight with Miss Fancy Knickers

Daisychain5 · 16/09/2015 20:38

How did you find out her partner wasn't with them?

Original poster

Bettyblue45 · 16/09/2015 20:39

Bjrce - can't tell him to email as he's gone off training!

Sitting here watching GBBO with wine and crisps. See what Dr foster is doing later. She was gripping sharp objects rather tightly last episode

OP posts:

Original poster

Bettyblue45 · 16/09/2015 20:42

daisychain5 - an email from bf

Anyfucker - if he isn't going training. He's made up a whole other new world which is too much for my mind to take in at the mo!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 16/09/2015 20:43

See it doesn't even matter if you are 'paranoid' and really nothing is going on. The fact is you don't like it, have told him probably loudly that you don't like it and he's still doing it anyway. He does not have the right to ride roughshod over your feelings like that.

What you do next is up to you but personally I would be laying out clear lines or he can git.

GelfBride · 16/09/2015 20:51

I would not believe he is out training either. He will be letting her know the balloon has gone up (sorry for achac expression, I am an old giffer). It's the fact that if he put half the effort into his relationship with you that he has put into the intricate lies, things would not feel so bad would they? I would not trust him an inch with all the lies and deleting bollocks, sorry OP, he is a turd.

GelfBride · 16/09/2015 20:51

Archaic not achac (which was a machine gun in the war - see? I am old!)

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