Friendship paranoia and anxiety

[Lj8893]

Since being a child, I have struggled with friendships due to bullying by friends in primary school and then being the victim of a Wendy (who was also my cousin) in secondary school.

Since then, I have always had friends but struggled to make close, long lasting friendships. I do have a couple of close friends but don't see them very often due to location and busy life's etc.

Currently I am going through some bad paranoia that my other friends and acquaintances don't like me. I had a thread a while back regarding a "friend" who didn't come to my wedding and didn't contact me either, and has since removed me on Facebook (I know I know!) and I think that hasn't helped. Now every time I see other groups of my friends chatting on Facebook I'm paranoid that I'm being left out which I know is ridiculous and sounds really pathetic and immature! I'm a 27 yr old mother ffs!

I don't know what's wrong with me really, I'm starting to think that I'm just unlikeable. Maybe I'm annoying, or boring, or not very nice?

I have exactly the same problem as you. I've learnt two things: one the paranoia in my head is far worse than reality. Often in the past I've thought friends have had some big plan to cut me out but actually everyone is going on living their lives and the situations I've constructed in my head are far from reality i.e. thoughts don't make facts. Two: Worrying about whether you are unliked leads to neediness, which is unattractive and therefore is a self-fulfilling prophesy. In the past 6 months I've managed to destroy a friendship with someone by constantly seeking reassurance that she liked me, when in reality there was no problem in the first place.

Try to step back, let things go and be confident in your own self-worth. I know it's easier said than done, maybe some self-help books or counselling could help.

I'm a bit like that too, OP. That's why I completely deleted my FB a few years back and don't regret it. Some people love that kind of interaction, and they feel part of groups and circles, but it's not for me, tbh.

I'm in my early forties, so friendship for me is different from what it was in my 20's or even 30's. I keep a few good friends, but try to avoid female groups at all cost, as they always end up talking about each other's back, which makes me feel uncomfortable and I find that creates a lot of anxiety too.

As the previous poster said, don't let those thoughts take hold of your life, though. It's OK to wonder how good friends are and to question certain situations, but try not to find fault always with you. I've found myself in situations where I haven't felt liked or accepted, but I always look at these people closer, and start asking: "Do I really like these people and want them in my life?". A lot of the time, the answer is no.

Thanks both of you. Living, that's exactly what my head does and I know it's all in my head!

We can never be 100% sure that someone really likes us for who we are and vv. Do you enjoy their company ? Ok good enuf. Far more important is whether we like ourselves for who we are.

This is the umpteenth thread I've seen in the past few weeks here at its centre is bloody Facebook making someone feel isolated, left-out, inadequate, unpopular etc.

I'll say it again - Facebook is the root of all modern-day evil. People use it to show-off and boast whilst ostracising others. Leave it and you'll immediately feel better!

No it's not just Facebook, it's in general life too. And I really don't think the friends are too blame, if I look at it with my sensible head they aren't doing any boasting, ostracising etc. it's all in my head! Like if we are together and someone laughs at something someone else says, I go over and over it in my head later and start to question if they were laughing at me and a private joke iyswim.

This is quite a new thing, I haven't always been like this.

Yes I hear you and I don't think that the majority of people on FB do the things they do to specifically ostracise or upset. However, if someone is feeling low or they're a bit sensitive or paranoid then all those photos and statuses and tagging of others having a 'fabulous' time can really make a person feel even worse.

OP: Are you, or have you recently been through a particularly stressful time or something that has undermined your confidence recently?

I find that I can go into a whole spiral of self-doubt if I'm stressed about one thing or even if I'm just run down and over-tired.

That could possibly be it. I've just got married (which is lovely) and I'm about to start university to train as a midwife. My whole life is changing and it's great and exciting but yes I guess could spark off self-doubt too! Hopefully once I have settled into my degree, this silly paranoia and anxiety will calm down too.

Like if we are together and someone laughs at something someone else says, I go over and over it in my head later and start to question if they were laughing at me and a private joke iyswim

This is exactly like me. I'm always checking that none of them are pulling a face or rolling eyes behind my back too if I say something. Not that they ever have I'm just insecure.

I kind of think it's down to not having a lot of self belief- "why would they want to be friends with me?" sort of thing.

Crikey OP, are you me? I am exactly like this too. I have this habit as well of feeling okish when I am with someone, and then the minute I am on my own I over-analyse and deduce that they don't like me and are only meeting me as they feel sorry for me. I don't have a single acquaintance (I've stopped saying I have friends as I don't feel like anyone wants to be associated with me as a friend) that I feel secure in a relationship with. And it truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Plus I have also managed to attract people who seem to want to off-load on me about their problems with their 'friends' (as I am clearly not one of them) and then when things get better with their 'friends' then they don't want anything to do with me. I am the one who is always asking to meet up and I feel like I turn into a pity-date. I presume I must project this too as seriously no one seems like they want to associate with me as a 'friend'. I recently confided in someone I know that I feel like this and I already feel like she is only seeing me as she feels sorry for me. I wish I hadn't said anything but I don't know how to let go of these feelings and I thought I would try being honest about it with someone. One of my most spectacular moments was asking someone who I thought was a good friend to be my bridesmaid and she didn't even make it too my wedding ceremony and then at my reception told me that 'so many things have gone wrong today it feels like I'm not supposed to be here'. That hurt.
I can't tell you how much it would mean to me to feel important as a friend to someone, someone that they actually wanted to spend time with and who they actively contacted to meet up. But I'm pretty sure it's never going to happen. So I'm trying to feel better about myself and my own company as I'm married with kids in my 30s now so I can't believe this will ever change.

Oh I'm so glad I'm not alone, I think it does a stem back to being hurt or screwed over in friendships as a child/teen.

Yesterday I was having a chat about something with a group of friends and I said that something (a material item) may get annoying, one of them responded "na, it will be ok, I can think of more annoying things" and the others laughed.

Straight away my mind lept to "oh they are talking about me, they think I'm annoying" how ridiculous is that!! Of course they weren't talking about me, I know they weren't but still that part of me says they were.

Naiti and Private, you completely get what I mean!

Mine does flare up too, and the crazy thing is I have loads of acquaintances and if an outsider saw me on a night out for example, they would think I'm really popular. But it's all superficial.

Glad you posted this. I was wended by a group of women as I was going through bad patch in my life and they dumped me. Was bad as I did nothing wrong. Since then been struggling to come to terms with the rejection. Went to therapy and it has helped but not cleared my fear of being disliked. Ended up avoiding all places they go to and have panic attacks when I see them. Ostrazisation is one of the hardest things to get over. We are social animals after all and groups of women act differently together and have to sometimes have a common enemy. Sending out hugs, I am thinking that it will get better but I think you just have to accept that sometimes you will not get on with everyone and you just have to decide if you want that / those people in your life. If not then don't think anything more of it. x

This thread is so reassuring. I realise that it is happening to me again, someone suggested going for a coffee ages ago, then I mentioned it recently to try and arrange a date and they completely backed off and made an excuse so now I feel like I've read too much into them wanting to actually meet up for a chat with me and once again I'm the complete loser in this situation that no one wants to see. I also feel really needy for even mentioning it again. I tried to arrange with someone else, and they said yes and then promptly stopped replying when I suggested a couple of dates. That's 2 people in one week. I'm feeling pretty sad. I really have no confidence on this one, I must be doing something fundamentally really wrong as clearly spending even one hour with me is too boring to even contemplate!! I have quite a few acquaintances too Lj, but I'm pretty sure no one would mistake me for being popular. I'm clearly not.

That happens to me a lot too. Of course it probably just means they are busy or flakey, and it's nothing to do with you, but it still doesn't stop that negative part of you saying it's all because they don't want to spend time with you. I know that feeling all too well!

Does it mean that though? They have plenty of time to see other people, just no interest in seeing me. Sorry I can't see any other possibility than that right now, I am fully in 'the paranoia zone'.

Are you me? Feeling the same lately. I know I need to reign it in or risk loosing friends.

So is the answer to not reveal how you feel to anyone then? Should I be projecting confidence and act like I have lots of great friends when in reality I have none? I'm not sure I can do that ladies, or I've failed miserably thus far. Good grief, why does this issue make me feel 11 years old again.

I know how you feel. I really want to confront my friends and ask them why are they treating me like this? Which is ridiculous and will only end badly as a)if it is all in my head it will certainly push them away or b) if it's not in my head it will just give them even more reason to not like me!

I feel like I'm back at school sometimes, like with all the little cliques!

You know what, I tell my teen dd that frienships don't chage as you get older, same old problems. at least we have go the wisdom to deal with them now. Ha! What a joke.

Im not on facebook, it doesn't help being on it but its not just that.

I'm with you there Lj, it's no win either way. Every now and then it's on the tip of my tongue to blurt it out and just ask people if they actually like me but I know it will just end badly.
Shutupanddance, I agree wholeheartedly. I'm trying to help my kids with their friendships and feel like a total fraud as I genuinely have no idea how to make friends!!

Dds not at the friend age yet but I'm dreading it. How am I meant to guide and counsel her through friendships?!

My mum is always saying to me I should get more friends, but I just don't know how!