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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex ..confused

30 replies

Nosexconfused · 16/09/2015 07:22

my Dh and I have been together 12 years. 4Dc (3 me, 1 him) no Dc together. Only 1 DS (mine) still at home. Our sex life I'm assuming has been like most people's, amazing at times and drought at other side. We have just come through a phase of "feast" but now the sex has stopped and for a change its him that has lost all interest not me.

He has attributed his low libido to age (approaching 50) work etc. fair enough. However he regularly works away and I've found out that he has been watching porn while away and masturbating. Normally this would be no big deal but seeing as he hasn't wanted sex with me for the last 2 months I'm finding it incredibly hurtful and confusing. If his libido is low how can he be enjoying porn??
I know there is no OW purely because when he is home we spend all our time together and when he is away it is impossible for him to be seeing someone . (His work environment is one of only men with literally no access to the outside word!)

We generally have a brilliant relationship. He is my best friend. I'm trying to be supportive but I feel very hurt. BTW I found out as it came up in conversation with him, we are both very open minded and normally him watching porn wouldn't have been a problem. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
MrsSadness · 16/09/2015 19:50

Has no-one replied? Hmm
Has anything happened recently which could have caused the low libido? Has he had this before?

Original poster
Nosexconfused · 16/09/2015 22:18

Only you have replied Sadness so thank you. No nothing has happened and it's never happened before. Odd comments have made me wonder if he just no longer finds me attractive but is reluctant to say so

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2015 22:23

I think hardly anyone has replied because there isn't really much to say other than "speak to him about it"

There isn't anything to suggest anything dodgy, for example so what can we say ?

TopOfTheCliff · 16/09/2015 22:34

Is it worth suggesting he see the doctor for a check up in case there is a medical explanation for his loss of interest?

And Odd comments have made me wonder if he just no longer finds me attractive but is reluctant to say so

Have you changed significantly in any way? Is there any other explanation for his loss of interest other than possible boredom? Have you relaxed into elasticated tracksuit bottoms and cutting your toenails in front of him? (Not criticising in any way just trying to explore the dilemma further)

Folly1975 · 16/09/2015 23:50

I'm in the same boat as you nosex and it can be a very lonely and frustrating place. My DP of 22yrs is otherwise kind, thoughtful, my best mate and we still have fun and lots of laughs...but he, unlike me just can't be bothered with sex...I always instigate, very rarely he and I feel rejected mostly because he says he's tired, admittedly he works long hours, but don't we all, and I feel that excuse wears thin. I feel like I pester him for it...like a sex maniac! Haha... Once every couple of weeks.. if lucky (... And if I don't try then he just won't bother. No OW...No porn that he looks at..he rarely masturbates..he's great when he does get into it, and enjoys! But it's just so ...not very often. We've talked and talked, I get cross, it causes tension, so I back off, but situation remains the same. I've suggested Drs to get testosterone check...will need to book his appointment as he won't bother I guess...I've never felt happier in the way I look and have hit forty feeling fit and fun but sadness tinges my otherwise fab relationship...so your not alone OP. I send big hugs.

LadyB49 · 17/09/2015 00:00

Any medication... some years ago my DH was prescribed a med to reduce blood pressure....within about 10 days he had diffs with ED. Stopped the meds and within a week all was working properly again. I realise op is talking lack of interest rather than ED .....but just a thought....many meds lower libido.

PoundingTheStreets · 17/09/2015 00:12

What's he like generally? Approaching 50 could mean he is going through a life-assessing period and generally feeling a bit dissatisfied with life (saw himself as owning a yacht and three houses by now, etc). This can easily spill over into inter-personal areas, especially if his physical health isn't what it was either.

Regardless of which side of the fence you sit on regarding porn, it is a well-known correlation that regular solo masturbation to porn can reduce libido with a real life partner. If you want to rekindle things, that has to be tackled directly.

You need to have an open and honest discussion with him about it. Only he knows what the issue is. If he loves you, telling him you feel "very hurt" will surely be enough to make him engage with you, even if the problem can't be fixed overnight.

HelenaDove · 17/09/2015 00:21

Yeah dont do anything to remind him you are actually human OP. Hmm

Original poster
Nosexconfused · 17/09/2015 08:09

Thank you for your replies you've all given me food for though. He is going through some changes recently, marathon running , learning to ride a motorbike etc. I suppose I need to talk to him again. I have in the past.i suppose I just wished he still wanted sex with me rather than having sex with me because I'm hurt. Or upset or feels he has too. He regularly says the problem isint me and that he still finds me attractive etc. I think I'm just tired or hearing this and want to see proof if you know what I mean. Thanks again

OP posts:
Justaboy · 17/09/2015 10:21

PoundingTheStreets . you have i think a good handle on this.

Nosexconfused. well i presume that your either his age of probably younger?. Seems to me he's adjusting the advancing years and probably a sort of mid-life crisis. I have one all the bl**dy time its constantly under review!. Sorry to hear it's getting you down but i don't think your doing anything wrong as such apart from feeling unloved, and that it seems to me is what this is really about. Can't suggest any real solid advice but keep communicating with him and don't pressure him re that nookie. There are a lot of men in a similar state they still love their wife's and the sex has dried up and gone. still he's lucky to have a lady around who still wants it. Usually sex problems are a symptom of other things that aren't that good in the relationship but if i were you keep communication paths open and don't let it get you down. I have a gut feeling that he'll comeback on stream somehow!. He's lucky to have you IMHO!

pocketsaviour · 17/09/2015 13:53

he regularly works away and I've found out that he has been watching porn while away and masturbating

How regularly? There's a big difference if it's once a month or twice a week.

Honestly I'd say he's probably masturbating while away through boredom. Working away can be so dull in the evening especially if your colleagues don't go out (and from what you said it sounds like he's "trapped" in the environment.)

I would say a trip to the docs is in order though as there could be a physical cause for his loss of libido, as PPs suggested.

Jan45 · 17/09/2015 14:31

I think it's sad and his flaw not yours that he is replacing a real life sex life with a sex video - nowadays everyone tells us we should all be A Ok with porn, after all it's everywhere - sorry but that doesn't mean you excuse this kind of behaviour, he is putting in zero effort and making you feel shit, how would he feel if you were rejecting him and bringing yourself to orgasm with various men on screen, exactly.

He either wants to address this with you or you accept the status quo - I know I wouldn't, any man other than a pre-pubescent teenager putting a porn video before their own love life really has issues.

Original poster
Nosexconfused · 17/09/2015 14:59

Thanks foR the male perspective Just a boy!

I think your right pocket re the masturbation and a trip to the docs.

The porn wouldn't bother me at all if we have an active sex life but I suppose I feel rejected and a bit confused. I've been happy to accept that he just wasn't in the mood at the moment (2 month moment!) but to know he is using porn makes me feel like he is in the mood just not with me!

I will preserver with talking and keeping the lines of communication open and suggest the trip to the docs. Thanks all!

OP posts:
Justaboy · 17/09/2015 16:42

Shouldn't worry about the porn that much unless it gets excessive, a man who tells you he hasn't looked at a bit of porn is either totally asexual or a bloody liar!.

I have done it and well its OK but after a while its just boring the real thing with a woman you love is well, stratospheric in comparison:)

Erotica is another matter. I was once working in the middle east and with a load of Korean construction workers and they had a film most evenings, no booze no TV no pubs nowt, but one evening there was a very erotic film on and it was amazing to hear and see their involvement. No pwhoar! "could give her one" malarkey, just coos and sighs of delight from the male workforce!. Quite an experience it was to witness that.

YonicScrewdriver · 17/09/2015 16:48

Thanks for sharing, justaboy.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 17:02

I do wish these male oversharers would fuck right off.

Redredwinegoestomyhead · 17/09/2015 17:24

Hmm thanks justaboy. That image of shared erotica has made me quite nauseated Hmm

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 17:38

Men watching porn/erotica together are simply indulging in homoerotic behaviour. It's about seeing other men sexually aroused. Did you realise that, JustaBoy ?

Justaboy · 18/09/2015 00:19

Well who i am i to argue with you AF!. I bet we could go out for a drink and have some real rumbustious arguments till the cows come home .. perhaps that might be 28 days later but it would be interesting I'll wager all the same;).

Lovehandles · 18/09/2015 00:23

haha yet again a bloke gets the harsh treatment! he can share what he likes can't he

MatrixReloaded · 18/09/2015 01:06

There evidently isn't a libido problem because he's wanking to porn. The problem is where he's directing his libido.

springydaffs · 18/09/2015 01:35

I'd feel the same as you do. But then, I don't like porn - all those objectified women, mothers, sisters, daughters, a high proportion of whom have been victims of abuse somewhere along the line, don't quite do it for me. Or is that over-sharing.

Each to his own I suppose but if he's getting his rocks off somewhere - even if it's through boredom - but saying he's lacking in libido then something isn't lining up. That stuff is so fake, no? but you're real, your relationship is real. It's not just sex.

Zanymummy · 18/09/2015 15:31

Apart from the obvious trips to doctor and try and de stress from work, what about reading erotic short stories followed up by massage it seems to be working ok for us as we attempt to reconnect and good luck

Georgethesecond · 18/09/2015 15:35

I thought that was an interesting thing about porn in another culture. I don't see why there is criticism of that poster. No one gets to police these boards.

sunshinegirl1972 · 18/09/2015 17:01

Sorry to hear this. Yes, I am going through the same. A vibrator does the job for me now.

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