alcoholic mum relapsing after 10 years - what the fuck to do?

[ahbollocks]

My mum was an alcoholic from when I was about 12 I think, probably earlier. When I was 17 it all came to a head when she began disappearing, drunk in middle of the day, quitting jobs etc etc.
So fast forward 10 years, she has divorced my dad (who is lovely and totally 'normal') and has a new relationship. I have lovely dh and a 3 year old.
She attended rehab 10 years ago, privately and I believed she was clean.
A few months ago she took my dd out for the day with her new partner and came back smelling of booze :( I didn't say anything at the time because I always feel like I am paranoid or suspicious, has taken a reaaally long time for me to build a trusting relationship with her, when I visited yesterday she was pissed in the middle of the day, her newish partner seems nice but also a drinker.
Confided in my younger brother (who still lives at home with her) and he confirmed she has been hiding booze and drinking for a year.
I just feel so so angry that she is doing it again.
I feel like she will eventually lose her job and her nice home and will end up living in a hovel with this man and dying before she reaches 60.
I've promised my brother not to mention it until he moves out in February, she fully thinks that she is so clever hiding it all but she is the same sad achy as 10 years ago :(
There are no alanon groups in my area and dh while supportive doesn't know what to do.
Does anyone have experience of this?
When she is sober she is fabulous but drunk she is manipulative, mean and arrogant.

I really feel for you, I think dealing with my mum being an alcoholic was one of the worst things I've ever had to deal with. The suspicion I had all the time when she tried to stop and not wanting to trust her with DS. She'd iced a few years ago now and I feel like I'm still effected by it.

I think someone has to want the help though, you can't do it for her unfortunately and tbh you will just hurt yourself more. If I had the time again I don't think I would have hung about to deal with it, that might be selfish but it's just too emotionally draining. I find it hard to admit but I was relieved when she died in many ways.

Thanks for replying. I'm sorry about your mum :( she adores dd but obviously I don't let her see dd alone anymore.
I considering telling her in February that there will be no contact until she is sober and in aa meetings but it is absolutely breaking my heart, the idea of not seeing her on my birthday, not calling her or having coffee and cake with dd.
I know it won't be long until she reaches zero, probably a year, maybe 2. I just can't do it again and I can't let dd have memories of nana smelling of mouthwash and vodka

...but it is absolutely breaking my heart, the idea of not seeing her on my birthday, not calling her or having coffee and cake with dd...

But it wouldn't really be her would it? (It would be A.N.Drunk.)

Exactly cozie. Just dreading it. I know what she will come at me with, that I'm a fantastic, a liar, I'm ashamed of her. Just need to steel myself I suppose. I'm terrified of her turning up at the childminders or turning up at the house once I tell her she can't see dd any more.
Fwiw I'm none of the above mentioned things, those are just the words she used to sling out at me in her worst patch.

I'm also scared because there will be no fancy rehab facilities this time round (my dad remortgaged the house last time)
So if she does try to get help it will be harder etc

Fantasist *

I am really sorry for you. My DM started drinking when I was the same age as you. She stopped when I was in my early 20s. She lives about 500 miles away so I do worry that she has relapses and dad sorts her out without me knowing. I guess I'll never be able to relax.
Personally if my DM ever drank around my dcs, it would be a deal breaker. They come first and I won't have them witnessing the sort of things I did. I understand you are worried about her but only she can make herself stop.You are right. When your mum is drinking she is not your mum so you won't miss anything by cutting contact while she continues to drink.
I hope she does sort herself out. It's not really a life, drinking like that.

Yes - it won't be pleasant. (And that's putting it very mildly indeed.)

You don't need to feel responsible for her, though. In fact you shouldn't - she has to do it for herself.

What role does the new partner play in all of this? Does his coming on the scene coincide with her relapse? And does your brother really need to stay with her still?

New partner seems nice but dbro says he drinks heavily in the evenings and doesn't think he knows my mums history. She is a very very secretive person which doesn't help things.
New partner has moved in this week so I imagine they will just encourage/enable each other. I don't want to tell him because I barely know the man and my mum would flip.
Dbro is in a position to move out in new year, he is finishing his degree (medical) and ill help him with deposit and furnishing etc for Christmas.
I know I can't help really, it just feels so futile, like all my old feelings and memories are getting dragged to the front.
To me I just feel, if she had cancer we could rally round her, support her etc but with this illness/disease I have to let her drift off and get to the lowest point she can, just short of killing herself.
(Lost a friend to cancer a few months ago, so hope this doesn't offend anyone)

I'm not offended. That's such a difficult and painful situation for you and for DBro - and there's nothing you can or should do to help her now. If she can't do it for herself then she'll have to sink.

(I'm mindful that she's gone clean and sober before so should know all about it.)

I think it is very difficult for a recovered/ing alcoholic to have a relationship with someone who drinks so heavily. Even if he's nice, sadly he is part of the problem.

Yep cozie. The AA meeting venue is less than a mile from her house, she must pass is twice a day.
Did your mum have lots of relapses? Did you ever manage to detach before she died?
Sorry if too personal, silly to say but it's a relief to talk to you!

Agreed lauren. My dad was dry the day she left for rehab, but was never a big drinker anyway, just a glass wine with meals etc

I recognise a lot of this. BTDT.

I'm glad your brother has a way out of that's situation. I think overall you have to protect yourself and your Dd. If that means not seeing your mum then that is just what will have to happen. It must be very hard to have this all dragged up again.

I totally get your point about cancer, I felt the same. At least then they are not choosing such a self destructive path and they are still your mum (my mothers personality dramatically changed when drinking). It really is one of those things that you can't understand properly until you have had first hand experience of it.

Yeah I am glad I am in a better position to protect him this time round. Obviously back then I had no power over the situation but at least now I can 'safe guard' the other people who I love who get affected by it.
Not to say my dad didn't protect us but he had a important job and was throwing himself into finding her the best care possible for which I am very grateful.
I think, once brother has moved out I will just take her for a coffee and say 'I know you are drinking again, it's too hard and upsetting for me to be around you while you are drinking, so I don't want to see you again until you are fully sober and attending your meetings again. I love you very much'
I know she'll come at me but I guess just repeat ad nauseum until she runs out of steam?

Why wait for your brother to move out in the New Year? (That's a serious question and not rhetorical.) If she has a new partner just moved in and is fully occupied in boozing, I doubt she'll notice his presence much or moderate her behaviour.

Would it be possible for you to put him up for a little until he gets his new place?

If she is drinking heavily now, by the New Year things could have deteriorated badly. If you think she will get aggressive when you speak to her do it by phone or letter. I know how hard it is, having been through it all with my husband. But you need to put yourself and your daughter 's needs first. I took my kids to visit my husband regularly as I knew he wasn't going to live much longer, but I wish I hadn't. He wasn't the father they needed. It's impossible to get the responses you're looking for from an active alcoholic, as they can think only of themselves and their need for a drink. Say what you need to once and don't engage. There is absolutely no point in arguing with someone who isn't sober. I really feel for you.

I've offered my spare room but he doesn't want any disruptions just while he finishes off. My mum's house is quite big, he has seperate living room and bathroom so doesn't have to see her too much, so he's not too upset ifyswim? Also he is worried about her dog

As in, he wants to take it with him when he leaves x

He is upset about the drinking but can go literally days and not really see/hear from her. Sorry that's all rambly

Goodness - ramble all you like. If this isn't the place for it, where is?

(Laptop fading. I'll finish later.)

Ta cozie

You've more or less discussed this with your brother then?

Linds is quite right in my experience - it''s a fair old way to the New Year and if she has a partner in boozing, things could deteriorate very quickly indeed. (They might not, but they easily could: losing her job for example - and does she drive at all?)

Myself, I'd actually withdraw from her right now as long as you had reason to believe that it wouldn't destabilise your brother's studies. I think you need to maintain close contact with him in any case - his home situation may appear to be reasonably quiet but things could get quite antsy for him if she's on the sauce with a co-conspirator. You may need to react fast in the event of trouble.

You won't be clear-headed about this at the moment anyway because there are so many emotions and practicalities scudding around - but I'm wondering whether there's at least a possibility that you're relaxing into the New Year date because it means that you won't need to take any action now?

You're allowed to do what it takes to protect your own sanity, AhB. Hang in there.

Yep it is scary. I think most of us with alcoholic loved ones kind of want to believe they are wrong. Like I know my brother knows the bloody dog knows.
I would do it now but I'm trying to respect my brother as much as I can with his wishes. He was very young (primary school) last time so I think he wants to have a bit of control over the situation .
He's always used his brains to fight, if that makes sense, he's always thrown himself into his education and is just so so academically smart that this is kind of of his way of saying 'no you will not fuck this up for me'
I do have a spare room for whenever he needs it, he knows it is ready whenever he wants.
Sorry for taking all day to respond, busy at work. Have just felt so so angry today, at everyone apart from DH and DD. Like livid that my Co worker very mildly criticised something and nearly told a woman in another department to fuck off.
Just trying to squash it and keep cool, back when I was a teenager I got sacked from my job (called my manager a c word) kicked out of college for bad attendance (was taking brother to school so late by an hour every day) and lost all but two of my close friends.
It is so hard but I cannot and will not let myself get the rage like last time