alcoholic mum relapsing after 10 years - what the fuck to do?

[ahbollocks]

My mum was an alcoholic from when I was about 12 I think, probably earlier. When I was 17 it all came to a head when she began disappearing, drunk in middle of the day, quitting jobs etc etc.
So fast forward 10 years, she has divorced my dad (who is lovely and totally 'normal') and has a new relationship. I have lovely dh and a 3 year old.
She attended rehab 10 years ago, privately and I believed she was clean.
A few months ago she took my dd out for the day with her new partner and came back smelling of booze :( I didn't say anything at the time because I always feel like I am paranoid or suspicious, has taken a reaaally long time for me to build a trusting relationship with her, when I visited yesterday she was pissed in the middle of the day, her newish partner seems nice but also a drinker.
Confided in my younger brother (who still lives at home with her) and he confirmed she has been hiding booze and drinking for a year.
I just feel so so angry that she is doing it again.
I feel like she will eventually lose her job and her nice home and will end up living in a hovel with this man and dying before she reaches 60.
I've promised my brother not to mention it until he moves out in February, she fully thinks that she is so clever hiding it all but she is the same sad achy as 10 years ago :(
There are no alanon groups in my area and dh while supportive doesn't know what to do.
Does anyone have experience of this?
When she is sober she is fabulous but drunk she is manipulative, mean and arrogant.

Hi ahb. I currently have one of dd1's friends staying for similar reasons. Think it's going to come to a head today. Her mum relapsed about 18mos ago and is now at crisis point - she's on disability benefits as she can't work the way her MH is, and her MH gets worse the more she drinks. So she drinks more. Everyone wants her to go back into a long term rehab facility (medical professionals/ friends) but they want her to make the decision. She's made a couple of suicide attempts over the summer, as well as hospitalizing herself when she thinks she might, but can't make the decision to actually do it. So instead is freaking out at home and terrifying her 16yo dd, and spiraling downhill.

You and I both know that your mum will do nothing about her drinking until she makes the decision to do so herself. The only thing you can do is to protect you and yours, and let her know that you are happy to support her in recovery, but not enable her drinking.

I also have the rage . She is a dear friend, but is currently utterly lost and is actively damaging a vulnerable 16yo. She knows where to get help, but the effort is too much. She wants someone else to tell her what to do - she is completely beyond making any decisions herself.

Fecking addiction. Total bastard.

Madwoman. That is very very kind of you, she will never forget your kindness you know. Has she managed to get to any alanon? I think there is one specifically for teens.
Tbh I don't know if my mum will ever be truly sober, her mum and dad both died of alcohol related illnesses and her sister is a high functioning alcoholic.
Sometimes I wonder if there is a way of kicking her all the way down to the bottom.just to speed it up. I know that sounds a bit sick but it's the slow-mo car crash that is the most painful

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and so much of what you're saying rings true.

You sound like you're at the point I reached on my wedding day. It's a point where you're just so unutterably, unbearably sad and tired. Dad had relapsed a few times, having managed to get dry for a year or two here and there and, to my knowledge, he was in a dry spell. I walked towards him at the top of the aisle, ready for him to walk me down and I could smell the whiskey before I reached him. I could see that telltale glaze in his eyes, the slightly happy, sozzled smile. And I just smiled and fixed it there, feeling like I'd been punched in the gut. I didn't want a single thing on my wedding day. No favours or a big dress or princessy moments or anything. I just wanted to get married and my Dad to witness it, not a drunk. I wanted to curl up in a ball and sob. The logical part of my brain knew he was nervous and struggling with the magnitude of the day and I wanted to forgive him. Emotionally, I wanted to scream.

Actually, it was a turning point. After my honeymoon I ended up going to my Dad's, ostensibly just to call in but that moment on my wedding day had lit a fuse and I said all the things I should have said before. Mostly that I was fucking terrified. That I loved him and I understood. But I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live in fear of alcohol and its death grip on my whole life. I cried and cried. I never, ever cry. I am a calm, steadfast, grin and bear it type. Not that day though.

Things were bad for a while. I didn't know it at the time but he was heading for a psychotic episode and three months after I got married, on my paternal grandmother's 80th birthday, he was sectioned. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. Instead of being treated for depression, they finally diagnosed him as having bipolar disorder and they started to treat it.

Ten years later and my Dad hasn't touched alcohol since. He is a different man. He is a loving, devoted grandfather and I am so very proud of the person he is. The person he always was I guess, just battling a demon.

I know so well that feeling of knowing they're not at rock bottom but wishing they could be so at least there's a chance of rebuilding. On the way down, they're just stuck aren't they? It's fucking awful. The years I wasted thinking why. Just WHY. Why does alcohol have that power and his children and wife and his life can't match it. Why am I not good enough for him to want to be my sober dad? It's a bastard of a disease.

My Dad told me the other day he never actually liked drinking. The taste that is. Said he always hated it. I burst into tears completely out of the blue. Bloody alcohol.

We live in a small town that has an AA group, but no alateen/ alanon group. I know what you mean about the slow-mo. I was dealing with the whole thing really badly before I realised there was literally nothing I could do to alter her drinking (ended up with psychosomatic chest pains and all sorts, and was hugely distracted) - I ended up at the GP myself before I realised the chest stuff was a reaction to the stress (the dd was turning up to stay/ the mum was needing hours of talking down etc) and he gave me a card for our local MH drop-in service (but for me, lol). In the end I gave that to the dd (with her mum's permission) and I know she went a couple of times. Her mum now uses the service routinely as an escape route. So she knows there is some support, but it's probably not as specific as that offered through AA. The nearest is a three hour round trip which isn't really possible. I'm lucky in that I have the luxury of distancing myself for protection - much harder for family

In some ways it is tempting to want there to be a crisis so that intervention is a done deal. The slow deterioration of relationships and health and social capability is agonizing to watch, and more detrimental for those close. This poor kid has been dealing with it for months (she was too young to remember the first time round) and just never knows from one minute to the next if her mum is going to be rational or abusive, or semi-suicidal and mid-panic attack and unable to function. It's pretty grim.

I also loathe the pretence that it is hidden. You just want to shout 'everyone KNOWS, fgs!'

Do you see your mum often?

Permets, that's rough. I am fairly certain that my friend has undiagnosed bp as well, which is contributing. I'm so glad your dad was able to get it together

I feel your pain. You need to keep away and keep safe and allow things to take their course. If not alanon, CoDA may provide support. www.coda-uk.org
You need as much help as you can get to see you through difficult times. Have a word with your gp too. This is not a mess of your making.

Madwoman - I see her maybe once fortnightly, or whenever she texts etc. They have been getting less frequent which is a sure sign she's on the down slope.

Thanks easy,
I think I will, our gp is wonderful and helped her alotttttt first time round. He's lovely. I am aware that I might need help myself. So much is repressed and I'm normally easy going and stoical but it's hard this time :(

You're hurting so badly that it's heartbreaking. What has been repressed goes back a long, long way as well.

Good luck with the GP.