Bad relationship choices. Low self esteem. What things would you tell yourself if you were your friend?

[LadyLu87]

I realised lately that I tell myself some awful things, due to low self esteem, things I would NEVER say or think about a friend. I make really bad decisions in relationships because of low self esteem. So I have started trying to tell myself things I would say to me if I were my friend, nice positive things to wheeler out the positivity!

So could we maybe share? Maybe it would be cathartic for others too? Not an arrogance thing. Just a self pep talk.

Five things I like about me:

1- I never judge any one
2- I give of myself so very much, would help anyone
3- I love and feel with all that I possess, a big heart
4- I am very genuine
5- I like that I am very open and don't possess a two faced nature

Those are the main things I like about me. I have negatives too but to list those would defeat the object!

Any one else? It doesn't have to be 5, I found that hard toward the end!

*wheedle not wheeler

Interesting question. I've had terrible self esteem and terrible relationship choices too. I've been working on liking myself more for 18 months or so and these days I flip between thinking "doom, I'm so unlovable and horrible no wonder no one will love me" and "actually, I'm a pretty good catch if I say so myself, I'm a great human being and no one deserves me unless they can match my very very high standards". I'm not sure if this is an improvement?! But I think on balance, no relationship is better tha bad relationship decisions.

Anyway, to your point.., hm, I am generous, diplomatic and fair, patient and quietly humourous. I'm secretly adventurous.

It's hard, it's like listing your qualities at a job interview!

Haha I know it does get hard to list them! But I found the 'as if you're a friend' thing helpful. As in take yourself away from yourself (if that makes sense) and view from an outside perspective.

I think I can be fair and diplomatic too but only depending on the situation! I can also be the total opposite depending! Usually if I am hurting or scared of losing someone my fairness and ability to reason disappears

But even that if I view from an outside perspective clutch at straws can be positive since I care and love with all that I have. In my more self loving moments that's what I tell myself its passion haha!

What a lovely thread idea. It's something that is often recommended to boost self esteem, and does work.

I'm generous, kind, can pretty much always find something nice to say about anyone, loyal, honest, and funny. And I'm brave, which I'm very proud of, because it isn't easy for me.

I have self-esteem issues too, to the point where I don't know what's a good quality and what's a bad one.

I'm a hard worker and I'll muck in around the house/garden (get told that's emasculating)
I'm lighthearted,jokey and positive (get told to grow up, don't live in real world)
I try to see things from different points of view (get told I'm wishy washy)
I'm forgiving (get told I'm too soft)
I like to try new things (get told I don't stick at anything)

Not all by one person, BTW...That would be pretty grim. It just makes you wonder if you're deluded and you are shit or they're all out to get you and don't understand your perks and quirks...

I'm loyal, kind, honest, trustworthy and faithful.

Srry, ignore me - didn't mean to bring the thread down in a post where I'm telling you all how positive I am...haha. As you were.

Thank you Raccoon. I thought it was a nice idea because we tell ourselves such awful nasty things don't we. I stop sometimes and think 'bloody hell I'd NEVER say that to a friend ever!' So thought why not rope some mumsnetters in to share a bit of self promoted positivity :)

I get you with the brave thing! I take a lot of risks with my heart and often veer between wondering if I am brave or just foolish!

What kinds of things are you brave about? You don't have to answer just curious :)

And Boldly- your fairness and being diplomatic, are you able to retain that even in emotionally hard situations? Because that's truly a great attribute and even more so if you can maintain it unlike me

I'm positive, hard working, loyal, trustworthy and good fun.

When I was dating, unfortunately I Found most men were looking for two qualities....slim and good looking. Not sure the other qualities are that interesting to many fellas!

Marmalady I TOTALLY get you!!!! I am similar by the sounds of things and I am often criticised by many different people for my quirks. But when I sit down and think about it I tell myself no- YOU are right and you know yourself. This is your personality and its wonderful and sod the whole world if they dont like your difference and quirks. You didn't bring the thread down it's actually a really good point because we fight ourselves and then often have to fight others views of ourselves too! Like a double fight. Which, when you think of it, makes us all actually incredibly strong especially to still see those things as positive in the face of not only our own demons, but others negative input too. So we can all add courage of conviction to our lists

Folkgirl- loyalty and faithfulness are wonderful attributes and something that I admire more than most. It's hard to find some times

In other people I mean- not many loyal and faithful people. And when you come across someone with those attributes it is so so lovely

Happy- I agree haha but I do think that it depends on the man you choose. If a man wants one thing then he is interested in things related to that. If he wants more, then your qualities of course are very important. I often find the same and it makes me sad and think I'm invisible as an emotional human being- as if I am just a walking vagina. But the right man will 'see me' so to speak I hope

Thank you LadyLu! As for you Marmalady I think it's important to realise that we all self sabotage from time to time,
on a thread like this, it helps to know it, so you recognise it, and can treat it appropriately. Until relatively recently, I lived with a voice in my head which negated every good thing I ever did. Without wanting to derail the thread, it was my mothers voice telling me I was vain, or showing off, or looked stupid. She has spent the whole of my life putting me down to try and make herself feel better. She has never realised that pulling others down into your crab bucket (thank you sir terry pratchett) ultimately makes you feel worse, not better.

I am brave, LadyLu because when I am scared (which is often, about trying new things, or going somewhere new, or tackling a new situation) I make myself do it anyway. And every time I make myself do something new when I'm scared, I know intuitively that next time I try something new, it will be a tiny bit less scary. To give you some perspective, I drove over a suspension bridge in full on panic attack/hyperventilation a few years ago, to the extent that if the traffic had stopped (which I was waiting for it to do), I would have got out my car and walked off the bridge, but I made myself do it six weeks later, and six weeks after that, and now I go over and wonder why I panicked (I know why I panicked, but nothing to do with driving/bridges/water or anything!).

I also think it helps to say 'if a friend told me they were feeling like this, what would I say to them?' Because you're right, we wouldn't support our friends the way we treat ourselves sometimes, and being kind to yourself should be a basic. I am honest, loyal, funny and kind, and I might not be your cup of tea, I have at least one good friend who finds me not even remotely funny, but that's ok, it's a difference! It's not arrogance from me to say I'm funny, nor horrible of her not to find me funny, we can all exist in the world without necessarily agreeing. But if you feel the need to put someone else down (someone in your life, who you choose to keep in your life), you probably are in the wrong!

What a nice thread :)

I'm intelligent but recognise that I don't know everything
I'm analytical and able to detach myself from situations and judge them objectively
My friends know that if they need me, I'll be there
I am genuinely trying, through my career choices, to make the world a better place (although whether I'll succeed is another story...)
I'm able to laugh at myself

It does feel really uncomfortable though, doesn't it? Why do we find it so hard to do for ourselves and so easy for others? If you'd asked me to say five nice things about each of my friends I'd have found it hard to stop at five; for myself I found it difficult to think of any!

Lovely idea for a thread though, looking forward to seeing everyone's boosts of positivity! :) all round will help us get going I think

@Broken-hearted
Please buy a book about healthy boundaries and start to love yourself more.
I have the same issue and people did try to treat me as a pushover. I'm working on my boundaries now.

Thanks for sharing your stories. I thought it would be helpful for others as well as myself. When asked a question and seeing your answer in black and white it can really reinforce things.

Your responses have really helped- the self sabotage certainly resonates with me on a massive level. And I agree 100% that harsh but kind criticism along with positive points too is really very beneficial. I certainly respect being told something logically and truthfully even if it can be hard to hear

And agree 100% that it's hard to stop at five for friends but hard to get to five for ourselves! So viewing yourself as if you're a friend was interesting to me as were others thoughts

When I was dating, unfortunately I Found most men were looking for two qualities....slim and good looking. Not sure the other qualities are that interesting to many fellas!

Absolutely. I lack the only 3 qualities that are important; at 40, size 12-14 and ok looking, I'm neither young, slim nor attractive enough.

It bore out time and again!

The only ones who weren't looking for that weren't be because they realised they were going to have to lower their standards, not because they were genuinely looking for 'more'.

I'm single now and have no intention of ever changing that.

Folkgirl- loyalty and faithfulness are wonderful attributes and something that I admire more than most. It's hard to find some times

Same here. But we are not men.

Interestingly, I don't find being slim and good looking much help in getting a boyfriend. Sex yes, relationships well I suppose it might give me a bit of a head start but that's it. I'm only 28 though so I expect I'll feel differently at 40 - although 40 is still young to me!

I always try and treat people with kindness and respect even though I've been badly treated by others. Despite my assertion that I'll never trust anyone again, I always do. It's that annoyingly eternal optimism that is just big enough to ruin my naturally pessimistic nature.

I think I'm quite funny. I make myself laugh anyway.

I've had a really tough year but managed to pull myself together enough to get through my course when a lot of people doubted me. I never gave up.

I'm very loyal.

Pandora it's a funny thing really.

See I still think 40 is young. Or at least, I'm very 'youthful'. People usually think I'm younger than I am.

Since I separated, I've been on a few dates and had 2 short (nearly 1 yr and 5 months) relationships. In both cases, we got on well, the first claimed to have fallen for me after about 6 months and took me overseas to meet his family but he had always had relationships with 'beautiful' women who were slim, but having been cheated on a couple of times, he'd readjusted his type and felt that I wouldn't have the opportunity to cheat on him.

The second, we got on brilliantly, really clicked, he liked 'me', but ultimately wanted to meet someone like me who came in a younger, slimmer, more attractive package. I ended both of them. Some of my friends felt that I acted hastily and ought to be realistic

I don't doubt my ability to attract someone personalitywise, but I don't come in the right packaging. The only men who are interested in me are the ones who've made a conscious decision to change their type (which doesn't work) or the ones who have nothing to offer who think that as a single, 40yo woman, I must be desperate!

I used to feel quite hopeful. I don't even consider a relationship as an option now. But not because I'm happily single. I'm not. I've just come to believe that I must be old and invisible to others.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl I know exactly what you mean... I was going through the list of good qualities people have typed in above and there was a cynical little voice inside me going: "yes, but being hot trumps all of those real qualities every time." Depressing, but in a lot of cases true.

I think for a certain sort of man there is a really strong hard-wired instinct that makes it difficult to stop opting for a woman who is basically his physical fantasy made flesh time and time again. The basic pattern of the fantasy may differ from man to man (blonde hair, big tits vs mousy and delicate with a baby-girl voice, strident red-heads vs cool European brunettes) but they are all manifestations of a certain "template" which he has in his head.

Woman who come along who don't adhere to this template but nevertheless are kind/funny/good company may well interest him for a while, possibly longer, but the template is quite hard to shake. I don't think this is universal, but its surprisingly wide-spread.

And yet, I do think there's scope for optimism. I have been single for just under six months and am about the same age as you and maybe I'm setting myself up for a big fall. But I feel more confident in the ability of my inner voice to say "screw you, I'm attractive anyway." And project this.

I also think one of the nice things about being older is that both men and women have been around the block and are less willing to settle for something which they know won't make them happy. And anyone who has previously opted for a relationship which is based largely on surface (and I know I've done this) knows that that isn't the key to happiness.

newname I hope it works for you

I did my dating when that was exactly how I felt. And it made no difference; that's when I had my relationships. Ive just given up now.

I hope you have more luck!