Bad relationship choices. Low self esteem. What things would you tell yourself if you were your friend?

[LadyLu87]

I realised lately that I tell myself some awful things, due to low self esteem, things I would NEVER say or think about a friend. I make really bad decisions in relationships because of low self esteem. So I have started trying to tell myself things I would say to me if I were my friend, nice positive things to wheeler out the positivity!

So could we maybe share? Maybe it would be cathartic for others too? Not an arrogance thing. Just a self pep talk.

Five things I like about me:

1- I never judge any one
2- I give of myself so very much, would help anyone
3- I love and feel with all that I possess, a big heart
4- I am very genuine
5- I like that I am very open and don't possess a two faced nature

Those are the main things I like about me. I have negatives too but to list those would defeat the object!

Any one else? It doesn't have to be 5, I found that hard toward the end!

In fact, the only friends I have who disagree with me are either 'happily' married or of that particular brand of women who think men are a bit dopey and hapless and don't do anything intentionally, it's just those wily women who take advantage of them. You know the sort.

Genuinely can't think of anything. All the things I used to think about myself in a positive way have been disproved in recent years. Sorry to bring thread down - I do have first counsellinh appointment today so maybe that will help.

Cherry you'll redisover it all and more, I'm sure. Good luck with the counselling

I am a mix of FolkGirl and Pandora. Eternal optimist, but really need to leave dating alone. Been very recently blind sided by a 'came out of nowhere ' end of a relationship.

I am loyal, (too) easy going, hopeful, kind, fun and strong.

I get lots of initial interest (online, I am fairly attractive) and (if I wanted it) sex, but not a relationship. Lots of disappointments.

I have appropriate self esteem (I think I am fairly fantastic, faults an all taken into account), but goodness my self esteem has taken a battering recently!

LadyLu didn't start this thread to discuss qualities for snagging yourself a man, it was about self esteem. The golden rule I have learned about self esteem recently is that "self" is the operative word. So you should never seek to gain self esteem from another person,especially not a romantic or sexual relationship. Affection, intimacy etc yes, but self esteem, no. That is setting yourself up to fail big time.

So to scoff at all fine qualities a person can have and say cynically "yes but men don't want that" may be a clue to why one's self esteem is on the floor.

This is not a dig - I've been there!

Fair point!

Pandora I'm EXACTLY the same haha. 28 and always swear I'm going to be this cold hearted bitch who doesn't trust or care any more. But something always drags me through it. Same with having gone through a lot and still coping because we all clearly have an inner strength that we just don't know.

Cherry you will find them. It just takes time. I can list a couple just from your post- you are not arrogant or presumptuous, you are practical as you needed help and you sorted it re. counselling, you had the strength to go and arrange that too even though you clearly feel awful, you had the courage to post here to say what you did as that's a hard thing to say, and you have optimism that it will improve despite feeling crap. There are 5 just from your post :)

togoboldly- "self" is the operative word. So you should never seek to gain self esteem from another person,especially not a romantic or sexual relationship. Affection, intimacy etc yes, but self esteem, no. That is setting yourself up to fail big time.... Yes yes and YES. Although I am happy whichever direction this thread takes because it does pull out important things. For example now you pointed out no wonder our self esteem is on the floor- that will make people think and I haven't read such a 'dead on' response in ages and couldn't say it better myself. I totally agree with you that instead of looking into 'self' posters looked to 'men'. It raises a very valid point such as you typed out. And to draw it back to where it was intended; the men at this point Don't matter.

Let's pull this back to basics. What do YOU like about yourself? I used to have sexual relationships, co dependant relationships, be promiscuous, all looking for love and validation outside of me. But that's the problem isn't it. You CAN'T find that elsewhere. It can only come from inside. Ok if you could choose- the perfect relationship but all your main core qualities won't exist any more, or to be single but have the amazing qualities we ALL have, with the hope that we can still work on our self esteem based on those, what would you choose? Self, or man? Lose all your good quirky funny and frankly from all your posts VERY STRONG qualities, for a man?

Finally, what matters most? I matter to me the most because I am me. Except I bash myself over the head and bully myself frankly! And yet, without looking after my own self, how can I look after my loved ones? WE matter. To US. So the point is lets give ourselves some tlc. For once. Strip it right back. Something as simple as being a good cook, having pretty eyes, or being funny and strong. Anything YOU value in yourself.

Gosh I hope that rant made sense bit poorly and brain not working

But not have the amazing qualities

The older I get the more I like myself. I feel I'm smart, funny, attractive. I'm a pretty good cook when I feel like it. I'm a good mum and nana.

magic cat I'm with you on that one! With the age thing. I feel that way too- like the older I get the more I'm sort of growing into myself, starting to fit myself better. If that makes sense

I'm really glad I started this thread because writing my own things down helps and then seeing other peoples good qualities that I also have makes me see even more good in myself. And I really REALLY hope that is happening for others too! Anything to pep us all up :)

I think being a good mum and nana is right up there if you ask me. I lost my mum to suicide at a young age so she was troubled and certainly passed on lots of neuroses so to speak. But she was also a wonderful person and she taught me so much good. Many of my qualities I admire about myself came from her. So I didn't have a mum from age 13. My nan was there for me though, but she passed away almost two years ago. So if I could have anything in the world it would be my nan and mum. Never underestimate the power of being a good parent and grandparent, coming from the view of someone who lost both.

ToGoBoldly you're totally right... on the other hand a lot of people's self-esteem (or lack of it) is bound up with the way they perceive themselves to be attractive to the opposite sex (or not, as the case may be). And therefore its not always that easy to separate the two.

That may not be a good thing, and its very good to get people to focus on finding self-esteem from themselves as opposed to others, but its not always as simple as just talking yourself into better self-esteem by listing your good qualities.

Yes I totally agree that we have a tendency to tie them up, but if your self esteem is poor you have to strip it down and remove other people from the equation if you want to improve if.

If it's coming from others, it's not self esteem. It's flattery, ego boosting, morale boosting...but it's external. True self esteem comes from within. So other people telling you your good qualities can help, but you have to believe them.

That has just made me realise, though - it's impossible for someone else to raise your self esteem, but piss easy for someone else to destroy it. So the important thing is to purge these people!

togobodly speaks such sense!

Yes I agree of course it isn't so simple as listing some good qualities and BAM you're fixed. Of course not. But it is important to strip it down to the very bare bones, and build it from there. It's a long hard slog. Of course a few nice words won't change your mindset just like that. It's just about seeing it from a different view. Small steps. Feeling low means we bully ourselves. Or at least I do. But I found if I sit back in those times and view myself as a friend would, it changes the perspective slightly. And that's all you need. Slight changes create a big one.

togoboldly your post reminded me of a Katt Williams show (stand up comedian), in regard to a woman saying a man messed up her self esteem. Forgive the language but his words were:

"It's called SELF esteem. It's esteem of your motherfucking SELF. How the fuck can I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU"

He raises a good point!

Sometimes it's nice to just strip it back and say 'yes, I'm a good person and I have good qualities'. These small changes and different perspectives can result in a mindset change, even if slight. For me it took counselling and I'm still not 'fixed' (I need more sessions to be fair). It's hard work. But surely worth it? I think so. As togoboldly says its not an external thing. Only you can create self esteem. Perhaps a counsellor can teach skills that enable you to do that. But it always has to come from you