DH is a drug addict,support needed.

[keepyourheadup]

My DH has gone into relapse over the last two months, and I am struggling.

He suffers from manic depression and began using two years ago, in secret whilst I was at work, to "self mediate" and make himself feel "ok." At the time I found out we sought medical assistance and support, he greatly improved and life was much better.however he discharged himself from their care after 5 months saying he felt like a new man and was fixed.

The old behaviours began to show again recently, the lying, not eating, insomnia, lack of physical closeness, manipulative behaviour, the starting of arguments over nothing and the physical symptoms (soiling himself and our bed clothes)

I am now going through the stages again with him, where his is in complete denial about what he is doing, that everything else is to blame and what he is doing isn't causing him any harm but helping him, he is trying to bargain with me, tell me that it is all my fault.

Although I know none of this to be true and that it's the addiction talking it's an incredibly stressful and destructive environment to live in.

I am at the stage now where I am torn, I don't know now whether cognitively he is ever going to come back from this. This first week of being clean is the worst the withdraw is difficult but after that there seems to be some clarity from him in regards to the situation. His drive returns he can see what's going on.

I care deeply about him, and I know he is suffering from an illness. Sometimes I just want to scream and cry the stress is incredibly difficult to deal with.

I have RL support however it has reached the point where they have told me that they thinks it's best for me to leave, and that I deserve better.

Hi keepyourheadup what has he been using?
Has he ever been to any NA meetings? My mother in law runs them in our area (over 10 years clean) and they are always very effective. However, if your husband is in the denial stage in afraid until he chooses to seek the help or that he's had enough there isn't much you can do accept look after yourself.

Please feel free to PM me if you need a chat, I have personal experience in mental health and addiction. I am not in recovery but as said mother in law and DP have been and I've witnessed it all first hand.

It will be ok

saying he felt like a new man and was fixed.

I'm afraid this was where it went wrong. You know the line about 'accepting we have a problem'? That's what this means. There is 'fixed', there is no 'getting better'. It's why you say recovering and not recovered.

It sounds as if he thought he had learned how to control the addiction so that he could use occasionally and he would be able to stop if it ever got beyond recreational.

It isn't "the addiction talking", it's him. I accept that as a manic depressive he does actually have a disease but this is not that. I'm not for a minute suggesting he is a bad person but he is bad for you right now, and bad for himself. If you leave, even if this is temporary, it sends two important messages: 1. his addiction is his problem and only he can fix it; 2. you matter too. Your needs and your wishes are not subordinate to his addiction and his mental illness. You can and will put yourself first.

Whilst he is in denial he is beyond help. You need to focus on getting support and help for you, and detaching with love.

Sorry but I agree with your friends; he has no intention of addressing this, let him get on with it, you don't have to witness this, I doubt you signed up to be his carer.

I'm with your friends too.
Sorry but he's doing this to himself.
You cannot possibly do anything for him. You are not a professional drug rehab person on anything similar.
He HAS to help himself.
He will never do that while you are there to pick up the pieces and clean up his mess.

You did NOT cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Simple as that. He has to do it.
You've been there for him before and he isn't any better.
Get out now, while you can and let him deal with his addicton with professionals who are trained to help him through this.
If he won't seek the help then that's it.

Agree with pps.

Do you have children?

Thank you so much for your responses.

In regards to a support group he will not seek support as he doesn't believe he needs it, he went briefly and ceased going.

You are absolutely right, I have told him previously to leave, however I have been sucked back in by tears, telling me he is going to kill himself without me and that I am leaving him homeless when he needs support the most (it's my names on the deeds)

I have taken a few days away to clear my head, him being around me 24 hours a day when I am not at work has severely clouded my own judgement on the situation and I needed space to think. It's only now I have left that I realise that he has been using emotional abuse and playing on my caring nature to get what he wants.

He has no family support, he has told me that if he leaves that I must pay for his accomadation as he has nowhere to go. Which I will not be doing.

I really needed to hear third party advice from people who are not emotionally involved in the situation, and I really appreciate the replies.

It is typical addict behaviour to play the self pity card when they feel like they are losing control. As much as it is an illness, he is saying such things because he feels he can emotionally manipulate you to get what he wants.

The best advice I can give you, and I agree with PP you'd need to let him work this out on his own. He will want to stop when he is ready and not a moment before. You are not responsible for carrying him through this. All you can do is look after yourself and hope that he will find it in himself to stop this.

What an unbelievably selfish arsehole he is, that alone is reason to get rid pronto, you are not responsible for his life, you must know that, get suck in to what, cleaning his shit off your sheets whilst he tells you he doesn't have a problem, time to wake up, in this life, you have to look after yourself and protect yourself from absolute leeches like this type of person.

Sorry but that's the truth.

Funny how he has no support from family and friends, let him bury himself, you don't have to join him or be the idiot that goes behind him cleaning up his crap, you are actually without realising, aiding is pathetic life.

There are no children involved.

It wasn't until recently that I actually told the truth to people in RL, I made excuses for his behaviour, I kept convincing myself that the situation would improve.

I do not and have never enabled his behaviour with financial support.

I have reached the point after 5 years that I need him to leave, everybody is right I need to put myself first in this situation and care about myself and my own needs.

I cannot make this better only he can do that himself if he wants to, or I am going to be stuck in the same cycle for years to come.

When he discharged himself from care, did that mean he stopped taking his medication again?

I had a friend who was bipolar, who went on lithium until he "felt better" then stopped taking it because he "didn't need it any more" - he'd start with the highs, and get more and more manic, then have the crashing lows, but still wouldn't accept that he needed to go back on the meds.

It's a vicious circle, I think - and in all honesty you have to look out for yourself here because you can't help him unless he wants to help himself - leaving (or getting him to leave) might give him the wake up call he needs to understand that he cannot keep going with this pattern of behaviour; but I think if you do split, you need to make yourself do it cleanly, don't stay as a backup support for him, however much you might want to, as that will still give him a crutch, and a reason to not try to help himself more.

So sorry for you - horrible situation to be in :(

It's not your responsibility to house him or "fix" him. He has refused to seek support - that's it I'm afraid. By that decision, he's telling you that he values his drugs above your relationship.

If he threatens suicide, call 101 and report it. That's where your responsibility ends. I know it sounds horribly harsh, but he is an addict and addicts lie like they breathe in order to keep using.

It's sad to say, but when you tell him to go you may have to ensure he leaves quickly and under supervision in case he steals your stuff to sell :(

Please do not feel that you have to do anything such as help him find somewhere else to live. His comment about you paying for his accommodation shows how far from reality he has drifted. He thinks he is entitled to have everyone around him enable his addiction.

If he promises to get clean (which he may well do when he realises you are serious about leaving) then tell him he can get clean first, stay clean for at least a year, and then come asking. By which time you will probably have moved on.

Bear in mind as you're married he will be entitled to a share of the house equity even though his name's not on the deeds. so see a solicitor for advice on that.

Good luck

he will not seek support as he doesn't believe he needs it

So in reality he has never confronted his addiction. In alcohol terms we would call this the dry drunk.

It's time to stop kidding yourself. He has never been in recovery.

Until he admits he has a problem, he will not get better and seek appropriate help

I have to agree with the above posts as well

Viscous spiral until he actually hits rock bottom, then has the light bulb moment by which time he has lost everything

Agree with seeing a solicitor as well i.e. get some legal advice if the "muck does hit the fan2

At what point will you decide enough is enough ?

Not an easy problem to solve either :(

Sorry I don't know how to do the bold lettering to answer posters questions.

He has prescription medication for his depression he was given another 6 months course after he discharged himself from medical care in regards to his addiction sighting that he needed to get his depression under control as that what was causing the drug use.

Posters are correct that I have been kidding myself that he has ever been in recovery for his addiction.

I am really glad that I have taken a few days out of the situation to clear my head.

I have told him that he needs to leave, I am not going to have any further discussions with him. He has got a family and he has got money in the bank so I am not going to feel guilty that I am abandoning him.

His life choices are his own, and he now has to sort his own life out I am not going to be enabling his behaviour or pandering to him any more.

Thank you again for your honest words and support to help me open my eyes.

Bolding is done like this but without the spaces, Keepyourheadup.

So has he actually been taking his meds, do you know? Or just pretending to?

I have already been to see a solicitor this week, in regards to sorting out formalities with the house. I did this when the situation first arose as well so I knew what would be happening in the worst case scenario and have sought advice.

The last few days of being on my own without him have felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I am not going to lie this is not easy as I do care about him, but without breaking the vicious cycle it is only going to carry on repeating itself.

thumbwitches yes he has been taking his medication, however taking medication alongside abusing much stronger chemicals, it probably has no chance of having the desired effect it is supposed to.

Unless he is clean the prescription medication will not be able to work. I have also sought medical advice so I can get a better understanding of the process his brain his currently going through and been attending a support group.

thumbwitches Thanks for the help with how to put names in bold

keepyourheadup your right, if he is still taking meds whilst on drugs they will not work. In fact its pointless him even taking his anti-depressants if he's abusing other things.

Out of interest, what drug is he taking?

A synthetic cannabaloid (a lab engineered high strength THC) which falls into the legal high bracket. It's an odourless powder which is smoked. Which causes the same effects as smoking weed, but without any pleasant parts, it makes him numb,withdrawn,paranoid and duffer from delusions. There is only now strong research coming forward into the damaging effects that it can have and the potential fatal risks such as liver failure and seizures and a whole load of cognitive issues. It's easy to obtain and hard to detect and highly addictive

*suffer

Oh how awful. Legal highs are often sometimes much worse.

You are doing the right thing by keeping your distance now.

lauraa4 thank you

You did NOT cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

This^. OP its not you who should leave, its him. You can't save him and feeling sorry for him and taking care of him is simply enabling him. If he's to ever conquer his addiction it will have to come from him. Hopefully kicking him out will force him to confront the choices he's made and seek treatment, but it might not. However, that's up to him. He's got to want life (and you) more than he wants drugs. Currently, the drugs win.

Oh god, my son (he's an adult) smoked that stuff once. He thought as it was legal it would be milder than weed (which he's smoked a fair bit.) He said it was absolutely awful and he'd never touch it again.

I'm glad to hear you sounding resolved. Having that headspace is so helpful to working out where you want to be.