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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EA or just out of practice?

40 replies

takethemallout · 15/09/2015 11:07

I've not posted for a while with all of the hackermania and I've name changed for this anyway.

Been seeing a guy, took me ages to ask him out and then when I finally got the courage, he was very very into me as well and we enjoyed a few weeks of being totally head over heels about each other.

He'd been single for a number of years and has fallen into the habit of going to the pub every day, which I don't really like but we reached a compromise that he could do what he wants when he's not seeing me, but I don't want to see him after he's been to the pub.

Apart from that, it was THE BEST. Lots of laughing, really enjoying each other's company and just really enjoying being together.

Fast forward from Week 1 to Week 5 and I got a bit cross at something that he said after a few pints about my parenting, and told him that I needed a couple of days without seeing him. The next day, I met up with a friend that I had dated a few years previously but we had remained friends and have been friends for the last 3 years and he's been there for me through LOTS of stuff.

So BF, who is out getting pissed, gets the hump about me seeing ex and then gets more drunk and decides that as I'm not replying to his texts (midnight, I'm asleep) that I must be shagging the ex (which, reader, I most certainly was NOT).

Woke up the next morning to the most horrid messages.

He says that he decided to push me away and see what my reaction would be. If I replied, then it would be worth saving, and if not, then it obviously wasn't worth it. The messages were sent between 1-5am.

He's now oh so very sorry but I'm absolutely heart broken. He says that he didn't mean what he said but I can't help but wonder. Met up with him yesterday and it was lovely, but feel like it's such a lie.

Can't understand why he'd want to hurt me like that - well I can, to get a reaction.

Phoned me last night absolutely sobbing but I can't work out if this isn't just showing me what is to come in the future.

Any advice oh wise MNers?

OP posts:
YouBastardSockBalls · 15/09/2015 11:08

When someone tells you what they are, listen.

Flowers
hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2015 11:12

So many red flags here it's quite scary you don't see them.
Run for the hills
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2015 11:12

Block and ignore!

ToGoBoldly · 15/09/2015 11:13

Yep, if he's making you feel like shite after 5 weeks...it's a warning shot.

You should be the one to decide it's not worth saving.

CarmenMonoxide · 15/09/2015 11:13

There is no happy future for you with someone whose second home is the pub.
Sorry.

Original poster
takethemallout · 15/09/2015 11:13

Oh but guys, he was SO LOVELY!!

OP posts:
gatewalker · 15/09/2015 11:16

Do you think most women get involved with abusive men because they're horrible at first?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2015 11:18

WAS lovely
He's not any more.
He has shown you who he is.
He is showing you your future.
Most abusive guys are 'lovely' to begin with - how else do they reel you in.
You've found out early on he's a twat of the highest order who is happy to hurt you.
Fuck that for a game soldiers.
Get away and do it fast!

AradiaWitch · 15/09/2015 11:19

They always are to start with! It's the hook, to get you and reel you in. If he had been a twat on the first date there wouldn't have been a second one would there? Seriously, do you honestly think that this can go any other way apart from worse? It's only been 5 weeks, if he can only keep the mask on that long, it really, really doesn't bode well.????Dump, and run away. Fast. Come on, you can do better than this loser!

CarmenMonoxide · 15/09/2015 11:19

So he gets pissed, criticises your parenting and sends you abusive messages, all in the space of 5 short weeks.
What is it you are not seeing here?

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 11:24

"He says that he decided to push me away and see what my reaction would be. If I replied, then it would be worth saving, and if not, then it obviously wasn't worth it."

This doesn't even make any sense! Surely the point of testing someone in that way, if you were so inclined, would be to see how the person reacts off their own bat? You can't tell them "This is a test and this is how you pass it"!

What a complete idiot this man is. I'd dump him for his stupidity alone, if I hadn't already dumped him for his drinking, parenting criticism and drunken nasty messages.

Get out while you can. Btw that other guy... is there a reason you wouldn't want to go out with him?

Original poster
takethemallout · 15/09/2015 11:36

ImperialBlether - He told me afterwards about the "rules" to passing such a ridiculous "test". He sent me a message before I had gone to bed saying that it wasn't going to work (as I had spent time with my ex) to which I replied that I was seeing my friend, the same as he's in the pub seeing his.

He then assumed that ex was at my house and of course, that we were shagging - both of which was not true. Ex doesn't often come to my house, perhaps once a year but that's by the by.

Re the ex - we just seem to work better as friends and I don't see him in that way.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 15/09/2015 11:39

Neither of you behaved respectfully.

If someone 'tested' me by pushing me away to see my reaction, they wouldn't see me again.

But I can also guarantee that if someone I was dating got upset with me, and decided to deal with that by refusing to see me for days while also meeting up with an ex, they also would not see me again.

ouryve · 15/09/2015 11:41

You've only been seeing him a few weeks and already he's pissing you off in numerous ways.

Run.

HuckfromScandal · 15/09/2015 11:43

What do you want to hear here??
That he is really lovely? You wouldn't be asking if you knew the answer.
Man sounds like an arse. Run

Original poster
takethemallout · 15/09/2015 11:45

TheStoic - That's what he said. Though I see the ex differently and a chat about normal stuff rather than being stuck in the house dwelling on things seemed a much better option - especially when he was in the pub having a great time with his friends.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 15/09/2015 11:48

You can see who you want when you want, obv.

But if someone did that to me while being pissed off with me, I'd read that as a giant passive aggressive 'fuck you', and act accordingly.

category12 · 15/09/2015 11:50

Five weeks. Ridiculous weird terrible behaviour on his part. Dtmfa.

ToGoBoldly · 15/09/2015 11:51

If he is not happy with you saying you don't want to see him, and instead you spend the time seeing your ex after, that's perfectly reasonable. In a normal relationship there are boundaries that you discuss and set and respect. But the tests of you were not reasonable - that's the sign of a mad person. He could have walked away but instead it turned into some sort of horrible game of control. Ditto you could (and should) have walked away when he was being inappropriate about your parenting and you were not comfortable with his drinking.

Whatifitoldyou · 15/09/2015 14:26

I'm with thestoic. I wouldn't put up with someone refusing to see me for a few days and then meeting up with their ex. You obviously told him you were meeting up with your ex.

Robotgirl · 15/09/2015 22:08

Hi takethemallout
Sorry it hasn't worked out how you thought it might. Disappointing when you think you've found someone amazing and then it ain't quite right. In this case, I think its a bit more than 'ain't quite right' and perhaps you need to end things, like, NOW. This man sounds massively awful. Lovely initially (because they always are) but showing his true colours and they are the colour of RED FLAGS.

Alittlecurious · 15/09/2015 22:12

He's sobbing on the phone after five weeks? No thanks.

Why did you tell him you were meeting up with your ex? Don't see why unless you were trying to make a point.

Cloppysow · 15/09/2015 22:23

5 weeks. 5 WEEKS.

daiseehope · 16/09/2015 02:00

Hi *takethemallout", I wish I had noticed a similar red flag in my early relationship. I went to a wedding with my dp. Very excited, very poor so a special treat. He abandoned me and got smashed on whisky with his ex. I got upset, he got nasty. He spoilt our first weekend away and worse I forgave him... And the next time..... And the next time etc Now, he's definitely ea, we have 3 kids and I am trying to escape. Do you really want that? Xxx

daiseehope · 16/09/2015 02:01

Apologies for poor *!

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