EA or just out of practice?

[takethemallout]

I've not posted for a while with all of the hackermania and I've name changed for this anyway.

Been seeing a guy, took me ages to ask him out and then when I finally got the courage, he was very very into me as well and we enjoyed a few weeks of being totally head over heels about each other.

He'd been single for a number of years and has fallen into the habit of going to the pub every day, which I don't really like but we reached a compromise that he could do what he wants when he's not seeing me, but I don't want to see him after he's been to the pub.

Apart from that, it was THE BEST. Lots of laughing, really enjoying each other's company and just really enjoying being together.

Fast forward from Week 1 to Week 5 and I got a bit cross at something that he said after a few pints about my parenting, and told him that I needed a couple of days without seeing him. The next day, I met up with a friend that I had dated a few years previously but we had remained friends and have been friends for the last 3 years and he's been there for me through LOTS of stuff.

So BF, who is out getting pissed, gets the hump about me seeing ex and then gets more drunk and decides that as I'm not replying to his texts (midnight, I'm asleep) that I must be shagging the ex (which, reader, I most certainly was NOT).

Woke up the next morning to the most horrid messages.

He says that he decided to push me away and see what my reaction would be. If I replied, then it would be worth saving, and if not, then it obviously wasn't worth it. The messages were sent between 1-5am.

He's now oh so very sorry but I'm absolutely heart broken. He says that he didn't mean what he said but I can't help but wonder. Met up with him yesterday and it was lovely, but feel like it's such a lie.

Can't understand why he'd want to hurt me like that - well I can, to get a reaction.

Phoned me last night absolutely sobbing but I can't work out if this isn't just showing me what is to come in the future.

Any advice oh wise MNers?

Thank you for your replies everyone

Daiseehope - No, that is exactly what I do not want! Thank you for putting it into perspective for me!

I've chatted to him quite a lot more than I probably should and realised how much he left out when we began talking and "getting to know each other" like that he's crazy insecure, suffers with depression and a whole load of other emotional baggage that I quite frankly do not have the time, energy or inclination to "mend".

Foolishly, I suggested that we try starting again, from scratch - get to know each other properly and begin with a date. We both apologised for the weekend and I'm just waiting to hear from my babysitter about when.

Well, I would be if I wasn't being bombarded with "I don't know where I stand" text messages so I've just said that if he can't stop being so fucking intense that this definitely won't work - and I don't think it will.

I'm just gutted because I persued him and really thought all my Christmases had come at once when he said that he liked me so much too

Hang on, so you've had a chat since this incident, he's told you he has a lot of baggage and depression and he's insecure, you don't think you can handle that and yet you've said you are going to give it another go? Why?

He's demonstrated he's into trying to trick you and play controlling mind games with you, and has now given a barrage of excuses like insecurity and depression that he will use when he does it again (when, not if, because he will), and you've taken it on? Why?

It's a lot easier to cut it dead after 5 weeks than 10 weeks, or a year, or 5 years, or 10 years. Cut your losses. He's shown his true colours after 5 weeks. You are not obliged to continue and it doesn't sound like you want to, you sound like you feel you have to.

ToGoBoldly - Because since suggesting the date, he's sent me loads of messages about all of the depression, insecurity stuff and how he doesn't know where he stands etc

But you can bow out now. Just say "on reflection, I don't think this is a good idea, I wish you well". He sounds too intense at best, an abusive cannon waiting to go off at worst.

.... and this is how we get suckered in to these relationships and 10 years down the line end up posting on mumsnet . . . .

Well what can I say except this chump will drain the very life out of you and you will be miserable. He is going to demand constant attention, reassurance and babying, while he spends all of his spare time and money in the fecking pub.
Get him to fuck. He's a liability.

Insecurity of this nature is not something to pity and pander to. It doesn't make him all cute and vulnerable like I imagine he thinks it does. It makes him a leech. An energy sapping leech.

Just tell him you've had time to think and that his insecurities are not something you're willing to take on, so you're not going to pursue it any further.

You need a grown up for a partner OP...not this pathetic tantrum of a man. Get a grip.

Yes, Pictish - that is the reality that I am seeing now that I have had some time to think about it properly. "Babying" is just what he needs, and that is not for me.

So you're knocking it on the head, yes?

Its just one red flag after another with this story OP. Walk away. Or better yet, run away. Send him a text like the one ToGoBoldly wrote and then cut him off. Do not answer any calls, texts, email, social media messages - absolute total radio silence. Get on with your life.

And for future reference, if a guy seems too good to be true and you think all your Christmases have come at once and he's behaving like Prince Charming, its usually not a good sign. Very intense lovey dovey stuff and wanting to be around you all the time, or declaring love after a few weeks, is often a sign of future controlling behaviour. If a guy seems thoughtful, kind and honest, that's all good. None of that is a criticism of you - I've been in the same situation myself.

Get rid.

Good - it sure as hell wouldn't be for me either. How can you be expected to regard anyone who carries on like this as an equal capable of being your partner.

If you want an overgrown 30 yr old child to mother, then bash on...but otherwise....

Just to say that I have deleted and blocked his number. He has so many red flags, he could open a shop!

Thanks again for all of your superb advice!

This from hellsbellsmelons:

WAS lovely
He's not any more.
He has shown you who he is.
He is showing you your future.
Most abusive guys are 'lovely' to begin with - how else do they reel you in.
You've found out early on he's a twat of the highest order who is happy to hurt you.
Fuck that for a game soldiers.
Get away and do it fast!

X post! Good, well done OP!