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Original poster

No strings encounters safety advice

56 replies

babyoutofthecorner · 15/09/2015 08:41

Has anyone done any no strings encounters online and have any advice about doing it safely?

I quite like the idea and am chatting to one or two but wanted to know:

  1. How to know if they are married or not
  2. If it's safe to meet at your home
  3. If you do the above what precautions would you advise taking?

It's most convenient for me to meet at home during the day but the first person I was thinking of meeting with says he doesn't have any social media and won't tell me where he works so I feel like I have no way of identifying him so I said "no" and asked to meet in public.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 15/09/2015 10:43
  1. you can't
  2. no, never safe to meet a stranger in a private enclosed place
Happytuesdays99 · 15/09/2015 10:49

He sounds married to me! Anyone who won't share information is usually hiding something.

Drew64 · 15/09/2015 10:51

1 - In my experience you won't know if they are married or not. It's a chance you have to take
2 - Under no circumstances if your own home a safe place to meet.

So, please be sensible. At the very least and if possible talk to them via webcam first. Then before you decide to have fun meet at your local costa or starbucks. Make this just a meet for coffee before committing yourself to anything else.
If you then do decide to meet for no strings fun tell someone where you are going and the times.
Above all, protect yourself. Even if you are on birth control use condoms.
It may seem a fun and exciting thing to do and it can be with the right person and the right precautions. If they won't play ball then don't meet them!

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 10:51

tbh I know nothing about this as I've never done it but some obvious things occur

  1. he is very sensible not to give any identifying details - I guess he hasn't given a real name either which makes 100% sense to me

  2. meeting a total stranger in a space that no one can see, and presumably no one knows about, is a big risk, they might want to murder you! And if you have told someone where you are going, you've given them a fake name of who you are meeting...not much use.

  3. giving a total stranger your home address is just crazy. They've all the time in the world to see what you have that is worth robbing! I have a couple of friends who did casual hook ups on Tindr and that was one of my major concerns. incidentally, neither of my friends thought to give fake names either and discovered afterwards that the man they invited home had given a fake name.

I realise this isn't hugely different than taking a stranger home from a bar but really I wouldn't consider that much safer either. Yes, thousands of people do this every day and it's fine but it's a risk.

if you asked to meet this guy in public, I guess that means you were planning to have sex in the park or something? Safer than a hotel room.

Dogsarebetter · 15/09/2015 11:15

I'm assuming you are meeting for sex? If you are then I would honestly look into going to a swingers club. People will probably automatically think 'sleazy and dirty' but they aren't like you would imagine. They are clean, safe environments and are also used for this purpose. It doesn't mean you will have to sleep with anyone apart from him, or have an audience (they have lockable private rooms) but it does mean you will have people around and if you meet him and he turns out to be a weirdo then you wont feel pressured into doing anything you don't have to do.

category12 · 15/09/2015 11:32

Try getting advice from somewhere like fabswingers?

You won't be able to be sure the other person isn't cheating.

Meet up in a public place first .
Maybe have a safe call.

Anyone who gives you bad vibes or won't work within your boundaries of feeling safe, should be ditched rightaway.

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 11:36

Tbh, whether he's married or not is absolutely the least of your problems. You will never know the truth about it. However, I would start with the assumption that virtually all the guys are married.

You would have to be absolutely out of your mind to give these men your address. Surely you can see that? Can't you think of any disadvantages to it?

Then of course there are STDs. Not only are you massively more at risk of getting them (and condoms won't protect you from everything) because the guy is shagging anyone who'll let him, but you won't even be able to contact him if he gives you something very serious.

You have no idea who the man is and what his problems are. He could have a real problem with his temper. He could be violent. He might have been in prison for rape. You have no idea whatsoever. If he gives you a name it could be a fake one.

I would think again in your position.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2015 11:40

1)They will all be married.

2)Never give anyone your address.

3)Think what advice you would give your own daughter- then take it.

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 11:41

There are plenty of really bad people who don't give off bad vibes until it's too late.

How do you get someone out of your house when they've turned nasty?

This kind of man will be very familiar with porn and it's likely they'll want to do things you don't want to do. What do you do then?

Dogsarebetter · 15/09/2015 11:50

They wont all be married. Some will, but if they are meeting for no strings sex and are single it's likely because they can't secure a relationship, so don't expect intelligent conversation or witty charm! The majority of them (but not all) have the personality of a dead wet fish.

Dogsarebetter · 15/09/2015 11:51

Just to add before it sounds like I'm way over invested in this topic, I worked in a swingers club Blush

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2015 11:52

"Think what advice you would give your own daughter- then take it."

In case you missed it.

brokenhearted55a · 15/09/2015 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 · 15/09/2015 12:07

It's not that different to picking up a guy at a nightclub for a one nighter. Honestly, sometimes the judgeypants are pulled up high.

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 12:19

category - no judgeypants, just observations.

I did also say it's not that different than picking up someone for a one nighter but actually I just realised there is one big difference. If you have met someone face to face initially you have formed an instinct about them - whereas Tindr or other hookup with no prior meeting, in the situation the OP describes, is instantly "here is my address".

the ironic thing with one of the friends I talked about is she is obsessed with household security - there was once a time that all her near friends were on holiday at the same time as her and she asked me if I could do a 3 hour round trip to check on the house.

but a perfect stranger in her own home and maybe having time to root through the jewellery box while she was in the loo was fine apparently! Confused oh, and standing there watching while you let yourself in and punch in the alarm code. Bizarre!

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 12:31

Nobody's judging. Judging would be telling her it was immoral or skanky or that surely she hadn't sunk so low etc. Nobody is saying anything like that, just that she needs to make sure she's safe.

Original poster
babyoutofthecorner · 15/09/2015 15:08

Hi all. Thanks for the replies and no worries...I don't feel judged.

If it makes people feel any better...I've been OLD for two years and have had sex.....twice....both times rubbish...because I've been playing "the rules " and not having sex unless I felt trust and a connection growing which has been hard to find.

I had an ONS a couple of weeks ago and loved it. Great sex. No pressure. No BS and mind games and in a lot of ways it was better than OLD.

I wanted occasional sex...with one man...no strings and joined FAB looking and found this guy. So I'm not looking to shag half of England but just want some repeat casual sex because I can't stand living without it and find the men I've dated to not be honest, open or worth bothering with...so until one comes along. ...!!

I met the man today for lunch. Seems fine and very nice, no pressure. He's happy with whatever makes me comfortable.

Not sure he's married as he video chats from home and texts a lot in the evening but who can say. He says he's not a pervert..just disappointed with dating like me.

In an ideal world I'd be meeting him at my place during the day. I just want to figure out how that can be done safely. I suggested today a few dated to get some trust and he said he was up for that .

I've taken men back from the pub before...this just feels a bit riskier.

He's give me his name (real?) And his car number plate which he told me to take a photo of. He's sent photos in his office and stuff but doesn't want to give the name of the company.

I'd just feel better if I knew for sure who he was!!!!

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 15/09/2015 15:25

There is no surefire way to tell if someone's married. There are signs, but ultimately you won't know for sure.

In terms of safety, meeting them for the first time at a neutral place (e.g. coffee shop, pub etc) is best. Don't ever let someone pick you up, don't get in their car until you're comfortable with them.

I always arrange with a friend to call them an hour into the date to let them know I'm okay. If they don't hear from me then they're to try to call me, if they can't get through then they ring the venue where we're meeting, if I'm not there then they call the police. (This has never had to happen BTW!)

I also arrange a code word so if I text my friend saying "Having a SUPER TIME" it actually means "Please call me now and fake an emergency because this person is a twat"

For a first time sex session I prefer to book a hotel because if something does go wrong it's more public, whereas your home or their home there won't be anyone in earshot. You can book daytime hotels if you look around airports as lots of people book stopovers.

I would not invite anyone to my home until I'd seen them several times. So basically the same level of safety as a "normal" date, who you wouldn't invite round immediately either.

BTW a book I'd recommend for anyone dating (hookup or otherwise!) is The Gift of Fear. It really helps you learn to trust your instinct and listen to your gut reaction, and squash that little voice that says "I don't want to get in his car... but that seems rude, so I'd better"

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 15:30

OP, if it makes you feel any better, I have friends who don't use their real names in online dating. they're not using 100% fakes but one is using a different surname, the other using her middle name and her real surname

their primary reasoning is they don't want someone to be able to track down where they work and live. I do find it very odd that he's prepared to give a number plate though!

if you are going to go on a few dates and establish trust, that's a whole different thing. But interestingly, one of the above friends ended up losing the online BF she found because after about 3 months she told him she hadn't been using her real surname and he got cross because he thought he'd been lied to.

I've never done online dating but it does sound like a minefield. I do understand why you might worry about someone knowing your address, either home or work - I thought it was harsh of that guy to get angry with her.

sorry, that was digressing! but just to say, I don't find his concerns worrying - I think there's many reasons you might try to protect your identity in these cases. Before social media and work websites, it's probably wasn't necessary but now it's so easy to find out a lot about people.

Original poster
babyoutofthecorner · 15/09/2015 15:58

Yes, I usually do all those things. In terms of letting SOMEONE know who I am with if I am meeting someone new, and my rule of thumb has always been...if I can't verify their identity...they're not having mine.

So basically I did once have a first date to my house - we'd chatted a lot and I liked him - but I added him on Facebook first, got his place of work and verified that and sent both to a friend before I would invite him to my place.

With this guy, I suppose he can come in, murder or rape me and then I would never be able to identify him. I do have plenty of photos and videos and have met him now face to face - but really he could be anyone!

All I know for sure is what he does for a living (have seen photos of him at work with specilist equipment to confirm that) and his car numberplate (which he volunteered as he was tying to think of ways to reassure me).

I don't mind him using a fake name, or not trusting me enough understandably to give me a confirmaiton of his place of work or whatever but I suppose then by turn I don't trust him enough to let him in my flat or tell him where I live.

Maybe he will need to compromise if he wants to be let in he will have to trust me enough to tell me who he is. If not...hotel rooms then I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
babyoutofthecorner · 15/09/2015 15:59

I tend to Google dates from OLD. Get their name, town, job and I invariably have confirmed who they are and am reasonable certain they are bonafide and not married before I meet them.

In this case I just know his profession and a first name.

I just feel totally wrong about him coming to my home due to that, as lovely as he seems.

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 15/09/2015 16:22

Hi OP,

What's FAB? I'd google but on a work computer...may be interested

I've dated someone who is in their 20s and not on social media, is no googleable through his job and has a really, really common name so I couldn't do my pre-meeting checks. But we met and after a while it was fine, I felt comfortable. But if there had been any red flags I would have been able to make my excuses and leave, and that's hard to do if someone is in your home.

It's about using your judgement really carefully. It was impossible to do background checks back in the day. This guy is probably just being as cautious as you are, that's fair. It doesn't mean you need to write it off though, if the first meeting went well, which it seems to have done. It's ok to take time to find your feet even if you just want it to be casual.

Maybe you just need to meet for a few more lunches/coffees before your sure. If he's not up for that he's not the right person for the arrangement you are looking for. But a lot of people could be anyone so you'd never be 100% sure - I know someone who had a full on boyfriend who used a fake name and led a double life without her knowing. So of course you should be very very cautious, but not necessarily distrust him because of how you met.

Was he the one who suggested you meet at your house, or was that just the idea you had before you started talking?

pocketsaviour · 15/09/2015 16:23

Yeah see I only tend to use paid dating/hookup sites so if I meet someone then there is a financial trail that can be followed in the event of my death (sounds morbid I know!) Also goes for if he's booking the hotel or paying for drinks/dinner on his card.

Did you say you met through Fabswingers? That's still free isn't it?

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 16:46

OP "With this guy, I suppose he can come in, murder or rape me and then I would never be able to identify him"

can't resist pointing out that if he murdered you, you wouldn't be able to ID him regardless! But I guess you mean whoever you left info with wouldn't have "real" info.

re googling dates - I think everyone does this now regardless of how they met. It is interesting because it is more likely to lead to people lying about their name etc and I don't blame them. Even if they are perfectly trustworthy, they themselves will lie in order to protect their info.

so where will it all end up, I wonder?

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 16:48

pocket "Yeah see I only tend to use paid dating/hookup sites so if I meet someone then there is a financial trail that can be followed in the event of my death (sounds morbid I know!)"

but if you only pay to join the site, what difference does the trail make? Surely if you want a trail it would be far easier to tell someone where you were?