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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My brother's girlfriends had babies right after me and made it into some kind of competition?

37 replies

WinterForest · 14/09/2015 20:54

I wasn't sure where to post this. Basically I've been having some issues with my husband's brother's girlfriends (H and A) :/ I've always been polite to them and we always used to talk a lot...and then I became pregnant with my son. Both of them sort of changed. H stopped talking to me all together and A has become sort of mean with me. I have always been kind with them even to this day but they won't have it.

After two months of being pregnant H announced she was newly pregnant with her first baby as well (a boy). I told her how exciting it was but she didn't want to talk about babies or anything with me. I always felt like I had so much to say to her since we were both new moms but she had no interest in talking about it, this made me feel isolated and feeling even weird about it all. Was she angry that we were having a child and then decided to have one herself? :/

Time went on and my son was born and two months later her son was born. We both had c-sections, and she didn't want to talk about it. She would just ignore me, so I pretty much gave up with talking to her. :(

Then 4 months ago A also became pregnant with her first child. A girl. She isn't born yet, but she keeps writing strange things on her facebook about "FINALLY I can also post that I am now pregnant. The youngest baby always gets the most attention ;)". From then on she keeps writing things like this like "First girl in the family! Who needs another boy?"

She doesn't want to talk to me at all, and when she does it's rather mean. What is going on? It's as if some kind of war has begun amongst the brother's girlfriends and it's making a huge needless division between the family. Why can't they just be happy about me having a son, and them also having babies (who can play together if they ever allow that). I can't help but think both of them wanted to have babies just because I had one and they felt left behind or something (which is understandable) but now it's just getting really old fast. I am still kind to them.

It's times like this I feel as though women should come together in times like this, not turn it into some kind of competition. :( Ugh. It's breaking the family apart. My son was unplanned too, so it's as if they are both blaming me for making them become mothers too soon or something and trying to beat me at the mother game. I want no part in it so I don't even talk to them now. What should I do? Just ignore them? All I want to do is share out experiences together but ...wow, is it ever weird right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

WinterForest · 14/09/2015 20:57

LOL wow oops!! The title is supposed to say my HUSBAND'S brother's girlfriends. Not MY brother (he doesn't have a girlfriend or girlfriend(s)) Ha! Really bad typo. Really need my coffee :P

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 14/09/2015 21:03

Well it does sound like quite odd behaviour.
How long have the couples been together? Had they maybe been trying for some time to have a baby?
It is sad that these three cousins seem unlikely to be close due to the behaviour of their parents.
Are you bothered enough to actually try and address it with them? What does your DH think?

tribpot · 14/09/2015 21:03

Have you used their real names? If so, please report your post so MN can edit them out.

I assume there are two brothers, rather than one brother with two girlfriends.

Are you much closer to your husband's family than your own? The girlfriends don't sound very nice (to put it mildly) and seem to belong to the competitive school of parenting. This will most likely never stop - which baby walks first, has first tooth, blah-de-blah. I couldn't be arsed with it myself, are you building up a circle of more sympathetic mum friends?

BIWI · 14/09/2015 21:06

Really?

LilacSpunkMonkey · 14/09/2015 21:19

Oh my...

pocketsaviour · 14/09/2015 21:21

Are they reliving a dynamic of sibling rivalry which was present in your H's childhood?

PeacesofAte · 14/09/2015 21:27

And this is why the correct use of an apostrophe is so important, there was me thinking you were describing some poly situation far weirder than some off sister in law behaviour.

quicklydecides · 14/09/2015 21:28

Oh please.
If you had a job you would be too busy to care about anyone else's business.
Seriously, you have too much time on your hands.
You can't naturally be like this...

MNHQ

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 14/09/2015 21:39

Hi there,
We have changed the names to initials, do get back in touch if that is insufficient.

eurochick · 14/09/2015 21:40

Me too Peaces!

NorksAreMessy · 14/09/2015 21:50

What? quickly please do enlighten us further

Saltedcaramel4 · 14/09/2015 21:58

You are reading too much into it. Nobody would think you were responsible for being pregnant/having a baby.

OP have you been a bit preachy about how to parent or what to do? Have you unintentionally offended them?

Yes it is possible they are feeling a bit competitive parenting wise? It's more to do with their hang ups if they are competing.

Alternatively the women may have pre or post natal depression and therefore struggling inwardly. In this case the treatment towards you reflects how awful they feel rather then any feelings towards you

Cabrinha · 14/09/2015 22:14

You think they're cross with you because you made them have babies sooner than they wanted, because yours was an accident?

You really think that?

You are really really overthinking this. What does your husband think?

Floggingmolly · 14/09/2015 22:18

All three of you sound downright weird.

Cabrinha · 14/09/2015 22:21

What is actually breaking the family apart?
Maybe you have to accept that having babies actually gives you one thing in common with a huge number of women - it isn't a fast track to closeness among you all.

I think the fb comments are lame, but they're not mean.

Original poster

WinterForest · 14/09/2015 22:33

I only started thinking that because my husband's mother always phones me and is crying on the phone because of their recent behaviour. It's not just me that they are being closed off to. She said something along the lines of what I wrote like how "I don't think they wanted to be mothers" while crying. It's making a huge divide in the family and they are acting like the don't like me anymore (at all). There is a lot of drama going on during a time I thought was going to be happy. My husband's mother is 70 years old and cries almost every single night over their behaviour recently. I don't know what to do. I can't really talk to them about it, they'd probably just get angry. I don't think they want to be close.

The reason it's bothering me so much is because it's effecting not just me and my husband but it's literally tearing up the whole family. The mother of my husband wants us to somehow deal with it but I don't know what to do. She said she can't even visit her grandkids or her sons because they have been really closed off. (Especially one of them). I don't think there is anything I can do. :(

Sorry for the spelling errors. Also yes I am looking for support regarding this. As for the poster who said "Are you like this all the time" ...am I like what? Concerned and emotional over it, YES.

OP posts:

Original poster

WinterForest · 14/09/2015 22:35

No those wasn't their real names. I made them up because their names start with the same letter. I won't use real names though and never will. I can use initials though from now on.

OP posts:

Original poster

WinterForest · 14/09/2015 22:38

No I never preached to them about anything. All I ever said was "congrats, can't wait :)" I'm a first time mom so most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing. To be honest most of the messages I sent had nothing to do with babies. It was just casual stuff. Another one was "how is your son doing, he looks so cute here!" stuff like that. Not sure why everyone is saying I'm weird or getting angry on here too :( Ugh.

OP posts:

PlopsyWhopsy · 14/09/2015 22:40

Honestly it sounds like they might have been TTC for a while. Did you make a big thing of it having the first child? So that's why they has to say first girl back to you on Facebook?

Kids don't happen to siblings in age order.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/09/2015 22:49

Mil sounds like a manipulative stirrer and the idea that people have a baby because their boyfriend's brothers wife has had one is LUDICROUS.

Have a word with yourself. They had babies because they wanted babies. Absolutely nothing to do with you.

Do you think they might be distant because they know you and mil like to gossip about them on the phone? Because I would not be friends with anyone involved in that.

Cabrinha · 14/09/2015 22:54

Right, so it's got nothing to do with your getting pregnant, if there is some issue with your mother in law.

I have not idea what the issue there is, but if she's crying on the phone to you almost every night, could it be rage the coldness from the other DILs is because they see you 'siding' with her?

Do they have a good reason to want to keep her at arm's length? She sounds hard work from your description of all the tears. But perhaps you and see get on well and like this instant close family thing, and the other two mothers are more guarded?

tribpot · 14/09/2015 22:54

Why is your MIL phoning you and not her son? Why are you supposed to intervene - this is your DH's problem, isn't it? His brothers are no doubt happy to go along with the arrangement that cuts his mother out.

You can't fix this problem for her, all she's doing is dumping her stress on you. Tell your DH to step up.

SometimesItRains · 14/09/2015 22:57

Gosh, it's all a bit tetchy on here tonight. If they won't talk to you OP could you try emailing them to explain how you are feeling (just the bit about them not talking to you, I wouldn't put in anything about why you think they are acting in such a way). It's possible that being upfront about their behaviour will bring out the real problem, which you could then try and work through with them.

Cabrinha · 14/09/2015 22:58

You said you had so much to say because you were both new mothers, but then said you hardly spoke about baby stuff.

Perhaps she's a more private person and felt like you were a bit full on new best friend?

People have different attitudes to extended and by marriage family. My MIL's other DIL became a surrogate daughter, up there all the time, calling her mum... I kept myself to myself. Different personality types.

ethelb · 14/09/2015 23:03

Your BIL has two girlfriends who he has got pregnant and similar times and your baby is the talking point?

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