So how do you actually end a marriage?

[Asleeponasunbeam]

I probably need to.

I don't feel loved, cherished, wanted. I don't think the DC (6&3) feel it from him either. He barely speaks to them really.

He's rarely unkind (although has been today as I've been ill and he hates it). If ever I've raised any issues between us in the past, it's turned round to being my fault, my mental health (which is fine), me overreacting.

I can't be bothered with writing details right now. But if I do decide to leave, what on earth do I do? I don't know if i can cope with the organisation required. That's what DH does do for us - organises finances and paperwork.

I work FT. We have a joint mortgage. I would want/ need to move in with my parents for a while with DC.

Is this all just impossible? Should I just go back to putting up with it all because it's not really that bad. I couldn't prove 'unreasonable behaviour' or anything - he just doesn't love me, or doesn't show it. I don't want anyone else. Just to be myself.

If you want to do everything possible to try to save the marriage, I would firstly seek out regular individual counselling for yourself. You already have a counsellor so that's excellent :)

You have blamed the current problems on your lack of communication skills. OK, so make that your goal with the counselling: being able to set boundaries and have productive discussions with your husband. Your counsellor should hopefully be able to roleplay scenarios with you so that you get to say what you feel.

If you then put those strategies into effect and he kicks off or turns it around on you and makes you feel horribly confused again, then that's telling you something - that you value the marriage far more than he does, and that he's not willing to compromise.

You could then potentially ask him to go to joint counselling. I can't tell from your posts if this guy is abusive, or just a bit of a dick. If he's abusive then counselling isn't recommended. If he's just being a selfish dick, then it's worth a try.

The joint counselling could end up with the outcome that you realise you're not meant to be together, but allow you to end the marriage in a respectful and amicable way.

In all honesty though, if he is so obviously uninterested in the children, I don't think the marriage has legs. I can understand with your childhood of your dad abandoning you that this is a very very hard decision for you, but ultimately it may be better for your kids to have one totally committed mum, than a distracted and unhappy mum and a dad who is emotionally absent.

In the event of divorce the standard arrangement with kids is one week night with dad every week and every other weekend. However if he doesn't like the kids then he's unlikely to push for contact. He will make excuses like "work is too busy" or he'll move away. It will be hard for the kids, but unfortunately you cannot make him love them. I'm sorry :(

I am reading this with interest.I have been unhappy for well over a decade and had it in my mind that when the dcs were older i would do something about it,Working and keeping busy we did juggle the homelife and worked opposite days most of the time.However now one dc is 18 she said she wishes we had split up.we couldnt afford to before however now the mortgage is paid my df is dying and has been bad for a couple of yrs and my dm has incurable cancer too.i started a new job last week and dh has been unsupportive and angry at helping out more.(he did do the jobs by the time i got home).What i am saying is there may never be a right time.I dont regret not going sooner and having someone to bother with me and a social life.I think the time will come when i just go like my job.Good luck with it all.