So how do you actually end a marriage?

[Asleeponasunbeam]

I probably need to.

I don't feel loved, cherished, wanted. I don't think the DC (6&3) feel it from him either. He barely speaks to them really.

He's rarely unkind (although has been today as I've been ill and he hates it). If ever I've raised any issues between us in the past, it's turned round to being my fault, my mental health (which is fine), me overreacting.

I can't be bothered with writing details right now. But if I do decide to leave, what on earth do I do? I don't know if i can cope with the organisation required. That's what DH does do for us - organises finances and paperwork.

I work FT. We have a joint mortgage. I would want/ need to move in with my parents for a while with DC.

Is this all just impossible? Should I just go back to putting up with it all because it's not really that bad. I couldn't prove 'unreasonable behaviour' or anything - he just doesn't love me, or doesn't show it. I don't want anyone else. Just to be myself.

Haven't you had this discussion repeatedly? Does anything ever change?

"Wouldn't it be unfair not to allow him to have a chance to make amends?"

Make amends?.

He is not interested in making amends, the only person he cares about is his own self. If you try talking to him he simply shuts you down, he cares not a jot about you at all. You also cannot carry a relationship on your own.

Work is probably one of the problems in ours too. I think he is unhappy too, but I feel that's because he finds the children so hard. He's happier when they're not here.

Do I post about it a lot? Didn't think I did. Sorry.

Those poor kids.

Discussions with him, I meant. Otherwise how could you predict the outcome with such resignation?

I don't think they know. I certainly work very hard to not let them.

Oh, sorry. It's any discussion really! Oh God, I sound like such an idiot. Seriously, I'm quite competent in real life. Nobody will believe a word of this.

"Such people like this man are incapable of feeling hurt". Really? If so he is an incredible rarity, and you must be really, really clever to identify this characteristic in him from the limited info the OP has given.

Setting phasers to maximum hate because you know the OP's husband better than she does ("I think differently" ffs) helps nobody, especially when the initial question is not whether, but how.

Many competent women do end up with men who abuse them and by turn their children as well. Abuse is no respecter of persons, what has happened to you OP could happen to anyone. Your eldest child is almost certainly aware that dad hardly speaks at home.

I do think his actions are deliberate gateaux and designed to wear her down. This man cares not a jot for his wife, if he at all did he would not be treating her and by turn his children with such contempt. Why did he decide to become a parent at all?.

I've just managed to get an appointment this afternoon with my counsellor who I haven't seen for over a year. I was never very honest with her about DH. I tried to cover up for him.

Good. Please be fully honest with this person.
Good luck for this afternoon.

Asleep that's a good move to see your counselor - tell her everything that's what they are for, hopefully she will help you make an informed decision. Mine said I was very brave for leaving, she said many don't and stay unhappy.

Personally I feel a lot happier on my own with my children, time to find me and do the things I enjoy.

I'm not sure how successful my trip to the counsellor was really. I cried a lot, which was probably good. I came out with less resolve though, more to think about, and today feel like I can't be bothered with changing anything.

I'm still off work after being sick at the weekend and yesterday. So maybe I just feel generally down and low.

In the meantime, your dc continue living with a disengaged parent that doesn't like them.

Look, maybe you're depressed. Maybe you don't need more out of life. But what about them?

I stayed for much longer than I should have OP and I barely have a shred of self esteem left and I'm very depressed as a result. Not as a result of leaving him, that was the right thing to do, but as a result of staying for so much longer than was necessary.

I do think that if I had admitted to myself I was unhappy and left earlier, I would be in a better place in myself now.

Oh my love, I am so sorry, reading this my heart is breaking for you because you are basically living my old life. It's not you, you know that don't you. He isn't going to change and if you stay you will always feel unhappy even if you can put on the bouncy persona that everyone sees. The first day without my ex-H I skipped down the road almost literally, I felt so light and free without the dark cloud over my head. It's not easy, keep your counsellor because someone like that to talk to is worth their weight in gold but DO IT, get out. Go and find your self esteem and proper smile. I can't promise you a relationship in the future where you will feel valued and looked after but you sure as hell stand a better chance if you are no longer married to this selfish man. You will slowly die inside if you stay, trust me, I left it too long and barely got out with any of the old me left but I am growing and becoming happier and happier every day. Plus my children seem to be flourishing too and I was really scared they would be damaged.

I suppose I have to say as well have you tried counselling together but I strongly suspect even if you got him to go he wouldn't take anything in, and in the long term nothing will change.

I think it's much harder than some people on this thread are suggesting.

If I end up being unable to cope then the children will have two disengaged or useless parents. At least I can cope with this - I'm used to it and I can do my best for the children.

If I move away, have to bring them to him every weekend (as other threads I've read seem to suggest would happen), lose them every other Christmas and holiday, that would be worse for them.

Thank you PPs who have shared your stories. They are making me think. But I'm much more conditioned to think about how to just put up with it, make the best of a bad situation, limit the damage. I haven't got enough support to go ahead with ending it.

My job is full time, full on and involves some weekend work. I don't normally have time for extra thinking about how I feel.

And I know I'll really annoy some of you by saying this, but I really don't think he's deliberately mean. I'm crap at communicating with him. I never tell him anything because it's easier not to.

Yes you are indeed very conditioned. You stay for your own reasons, staying for them is not a good enough reason at all.

Your third paragraph is supposition and not based on any legal knowledge you have yourself obtained for your own circumstances. You think he would actually take any interest at all in his children if you and he did part?. He barely has or shows any interest in them now; they may realise something is badly wrong already and perhaps even worse blame their own selves for dad's behaviours.

He may be all sweetness and light to those in the outside world but for his own reasons he takes it all out on you at home. Its not you, its him. You never tell him anything because he does not listen and he is not interested.

Abuse is not about misunderstandings or a lack of communication; this man wants absolute power and control over you.

You state that you're used to it; do you really want your children to end up in the same sort of relationship that you are now in?. You're showing them that currently at least this is acceptable to you (and in turn to them as well).

Nobody is suggesting its going to be easy - we all know it's not.

There are many good reasons to stay in a relationship, but fear isn't one of them.

No, it's not easy but it is perfectly do-able even if you are a scatty middle aged woman who has spent a lot of time being made to feel like she is worthless. I think one day you will, I know I hit the realisation that it had to happen a few times before I had the guts to stand up and do something.

It was an article, a man in his 50's had left his EA wife and said his only regret was leaving it too late and wasting over a decade of his life when he could have been giving himself a chance of happyness. I read it and all of a sudden I was claustrophobic and realised how much time I had wasted, it was over 10 years since I realised the relationship was shit and no matter what I tried nothing changed, I just got sadder and more lost. This is your life and your time, you get to decide when to jump just don't waste too much time.

Thanks, that's really helpful. So if I decided to try to do all I could, in the time before I jumped, to make sure I was making the right decision, so that I don't regret it forever because I hadn't tried hard enough, what could I try?

I can relate to not telling him anything - because it's pointless, right? My ex would always talk me round, dismiss me. There came a point where it felt futile to argue or talk about our problems. Because he wasn't interested in hearing me. There's nowhere to go with that. He's now a (quite surprised) ex, but it wasn't for lack of me telling him what was going wrong. He just didn't realise me shutting up didn't solve them all.

As Attila says, you've no reason to think he will even want that much contact with the dc. There's no reason you would have to do all the travel either even if he did.

And like I said, it's like a weight lifts. Life doesn't have to be like this. You may not be ready to jump, but please do keep thinking about it. I believe this situation is damaging for your dc, and you're not mitigating it by staying. You could provide a happy home without him.

Its not easy to end a marriage, it takes a lot of determination and strength even when you think you haven't any. I remember finding a house to rent I found it quite exhilarating that I would live there and I would be able to do as I please and shut the door and forget.

I remember telling XH I was moving out all he could say was that it would be 'financial suicide'!! He spent a 3 hr journey thinking about our situation and that was all he could come up with!!

I took out a loan so I could make the rent and half the mortgage because he wouldn't move out!! Demanded we sell the house because 'why should he move out, he's not the unhappy one!' So I did.. I'm not sure it even dawned on him until I was carrying out my furniture..

Then a few months after I'm settled in my house with the kids and I start dating, the hurtful and vicious texts start.. This is from a man that couldn't be arsed with me & kids before and was so laid back normally!!

The marital house is sold he's got half the equity to buy his house but no mention of a divorce from him or maintenance for our DD - he's got his mother running round painting hos hose for him FFS - no wonder I'm in counseling arghhh....

At the end of the day I'm happy, I surprisingly have more money even though I'm paying all bills myself, kids are adjusted and now I'm embarking on a life that I want.

Sorry its long, my XH wasn't a bad man but I'm fed up of looking after a man that is meant to be looking after ME!