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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ok so now I really want to make my marriage work and need your help

29 replies

mosschops30 · 29/11/2006 10:20

Some of you will know the last few months for me have been a bit up and down. Various things have caused me to think my marriage is over (no infidelity or domestic violence or anything). Started pretty much doing my own thing, girly weekends away, gym, friends etc.
dh suggested relate and we went for 5 weeks and then he got bored. Has since gone back to normal where we are just two people who live in the same house.

Somewhere along the way I have realised that I should be grateful for my family, my dh who works really hard and supports me (albeit only financially) and the fact that compared to some my life is actually pretty good.

How can I tell dh that I really want it to work but that there has to be some changes, but that i do love him and would like to just be a 'happy couple'

OP posts:
McDreamy · 29/11/2006 10:22

Why can't you do just that Mosschops, open a bottle of wine, sit down together and tell him how you feel? Would he sit and listen to you?

nearlythree · 29/11/2006 10:22

Don't know, Ive been trying with my dh and am wastingmy time Let's hope someone has the answer.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 29/11/2006 12:48

i could do that, but we have been here so many times, and then something happens (like he leaves his dishes on top of the dishwasher not in it!) and i have a moan and then he moans and it all starts again. We did acknowledge at relate that we have a huge communication problem and shout rather than talk.

I just want to be a normal couple again who love each other ...properly rather than just for show outside and who secretly loathe each other at home

OP posts:
SilentBite · 29/11/2006 12:51

Hmm

Not getting wound up about things like dishes would be a good start! Once you get niggly and naggy it is the beginning of the end imo (both of you not just you!)

Coudl yuou get away for a weekend? Do some serious talking..

NotAnOtter · 29/11/2006 12:55

i think - try to imagine life without him. living apart - splitting the kids rather than sharing them. Then see what is good about you two. you have got this far. you are still together. think about old age and how happy you will be to still be a family then...
look at just the good for a while and try to banish the not so good...
maybe all the feelings will slowly slowly creep back..

Original poster
mosschops30 · 29/11/2006 12:55

we have done that before and get on amazingly when we are away from the daily stress of being at home. We enjoy each others company, have great sex, have lots to talk about etc.

Then when we get home all returns to normal!

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 29/11/2006 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mellowma · 29/11/2006 12:55

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mosschops30 · 29/11/2006 12:57

NotanOtter i think thats already happened, I did go through a phase where I thought i'd be better off single and doing my own thing. But when I see ds face when dh comes in every night i realise how important it is that we stay together.

Like I said there are no major problems he doesnt cheat on me, doesnt drink a lot, doesnt go out all the time, works hard etc.
On the bad side he is lazy, thinks his job is more important than mine, is not always great with the kids

OP posts:
NotAnOtter · 29/11/2006 12:59

i think the going out with girls and weekends away can have a negative effect on home life imo

Original poster
mosschops30 · 29/11/2006 12:59

Yes he did miss me when I went away, we're always lovely on the phone when I'm gone, and txting but then when I come back its crap.
Usually because the house is like a shit tip, washing everywhere and i cant stand it.

Its all very well saying dont sweat the small stuff, but I am then left to do it and I dont see why I should pick up after everyone in the house. I work too and i think it should be more equal

OP posts:
SilentBite · 29/11/2006 12:59

"On the bad side he is lazy, thinks his job is more important than mine, is not always great with the kids"

PMSL

That;s men for you!

But seriously, if you can get away from being annoyed by silly things then that would help

REally, life is too short to worry about dishes or wet towels. THINK BIG

SilentBite · 29/11/2006 13:00

Aha

Do you have a cleaner?
The saviour of many a marriage imo

RubyRioja · 29/11/2006 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAnOtter · 29/11/2006 13:01

i think a cleaner does sound a good idea - seriously

Original poster
mosschops30 · 29/11/2006 13:13

dont think we could afford a cleaner, and its not that really its little things like last night he finished a packet of crisps, took the bag out the kitchen and left it by the sink, as if it will magically find its way to the bin ....why not just put it in the bin grrrrr!!

Its all very well saying 'oh thats men' and 'ignore the little things' but we're not living in the 1950's, i do love him but why should I put up with it and do it myself, when we could both sit down together earlier if he helped me out a bit

OP posts:
Iklboo · 29/11/2006 13:19

Dh does things like this - leaving plates & cutlery on or by the sink, not emptying the bin.
I usually tell him the washing up fairy has died and I had to sack the bin emptying elf.

Also, I tell myself there must be LOADS of stuff that I do that gets on his tits.

Are a few dirty plates & the odd crisp packet left on the side (he may have got distracted & forgot it was there - DH has the attention span of a kitten) worth kicking your marriage into touch for.

You could always get paper plates

wartywarthog · 29/11/2006 13:25

have you tried any of the strong arm tactics like not clear up after him until he gets the message? even if it takes a month?

i think you need to break the pattern tbh. go out / go away for the weekend and when you see something he's not done, don't moan, do something different / unexpected. put it in his side of the bed and don't say anything. just smile sweetly. be a bit of a lunatic. and keep on. imagine he's a toddler and you have to repeat your behaviour until he gets the message. view it as 2 weeks (or 4) of doing this and it'll be sorted.

mumblechum · 29/11/2006 13:28

I've given up trying to train my dh, he sounds a lot like others. Fair enough, he works extremely long hours in a very responsible job and I only work 20 hours pwk (tho also responsible job).

After repeating the same old boring argument for years, I've now accepted that he isn't going to suddenly clean up after himself (he just about manages to put his plate in the kitchen (not utility room where dishwasher lives), but still has never used the washing machine, etc etc.

Life is about compromises and a lot of people would think I'm a house elf, but to me that's the price you pay for a relaxed home where the fire is lit, the dinner is ready, the house is clean and tidy & in return he brings home an extremely high salary, no money worries and apart from the occasional spat, no arguments.

Vive la 1950s, I say.

heidle · 29/11/2006 13:29

I read a great article recently about how you treat your other half - versus how you treat your best friend.
It def made me think!
I feel I have to tell my dh off when he doesn't do stuff like I would, of put dishes away in dishwasher (god they are all the same aren't they?) but I would never dream of saying that to best mate. I did live with my friend for a while before being married, and was much more patient, and honest too - saying things before they got too big to ignore. The article did make me think before I speak, and now I try to rephrase the thing I'm about to say iyswim.
God that sounds blathery, what I mean is can you let the little things go (both of you)and try and have a laugh and some fun? Like you would with a best mate.

mumblechum · 29/11/2006 13:29

I should have said, tho, that if both of us worked full time, I'd have a cleaner and a gardener.

Mellowma · 29/11/2006 13:33

Message withdrawn

Twinkie1 · 29/11/2006 13:33

Do you respect him - thats what was missing in my first marraige and isn't in this one - I think above all without the not clearing up and things is what a lot of relationships are missing - take away all the little pissy things and really think about it.

I have come to realise that DH is great at some things and a lot more consciencious than me with some of the chores but doesn't do others so he takes the bins out, helps with the dinner each night, does the hoovering (he still thinks I can't do it due to sciatica during pregnancy - DS is 2 now!!) and fills the car up with petrol and I do everythng else - it makes life easy and he works incredibly hard and pays the mortgage to keep a roof over our heads - don't sweat the little stuff - pick up the crisp packet and put it in the bin - would it be such a hardship???

Mellowma · 29/11/2006 13:33

Message withdrawn

RosieMac · 29/11/2006 13:42

In our house there are "blue" jobs and "pink" jobs, cos let's be honest, I just about know where the lawn mower is and haven't the slightest clue how to even start it !
We also have a cleaner. Worth every single penny. She only does 2 hours a week but it means that I never ever have to clean a loo (by no means beneath me, just hard with two "helpers" under my feet) and only hoover in dire emergencies. Best twenty euro I spend every week.
Rxx

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