How many chances do you give flakey friends?

[Carlywurly]

Normally I steer well away from high maintenance friendships and drama. We're friends with a couple who've had some serious shit to deal with in life. We try and be supportive and we've had some great times with them. When they're on form they're brilliant fun.

Over the last year they've repeatedly made plans and blown us out at the last minute. This has included birthday weekends away, a celebration meal for dp where they called to bail as we were actually sitting waiting in the restaurant and numerous other meet ups. If we do get together it's usually fun but never simple - she won't want to eat where we've booked or there's some drama that means they need to leave early.

There has always seemed to be a valid reason for them cancelling - illness etc so I've always let it go. Last night it happened again - and we found out via another person that the reason she gave wasn't actually true - think claiming a sprained ankle then going for a run and this time I'm really upset.

they're talking about plans for going away next year and for Christmas and I just don't want to put myself in the position where I can be let down. It would be easy for them just to never see us - we don't naturally cross paths so I'm not sure why they're so keen to contact us to make plans they're then going to break. I don't want a big showdown about it - it's not my style. Has anyone had similar and what did you do?

Forget them. Good fun while it lasted.

I'd have to say that i can't commit to anymore meet-ups and list the reasons why....couldn't cope with being let down so often.

And nownisnthe time to say it as you know they have lied. Let them know that, they look the idiots, not you.

I know. It feels sad though. It seems to be far more her then him. I think we'll stay friends with him but not make plans for the 4 of us any more.

I suspect she has some mh issues - probably why we've been tolerant for so long. I've just reached the point where I don't want to be messed around any more.

I would agree. I have considering the same with another friend. I am fed up with being let down at the last minute. These things happen but not all the time and it is not fair to the rest of us.

I think if you don't want to call them on it (assume you didn't confront after the restaurant incident which was an unequivocally rude thing to do), I think you have to do the 'fade out' thing.

Don't commit to Christmas, take longer and longer to respond to texts or voicemails and even then, just say you don't know, you're so busy, so much going on, difficult to say, other vague phrases. Just don't commit.

Middle ground: a text telling them what you've said here - that you enjoy their company, but don't enjoy then letting you down at the last minute and it's got to the point where you don't want to be let down or inconvenienced again, so you're going to pass on Christmas plans.

I think if the most you can say about friends is that they're fun, then they're acquaintances and should be easy to let them go.

I'd let them go. save setting yourself up for hassle. if you're making plans for a group include them, but I definitely wouldn't bother if its just the 4 of you. it'll inevitably happen again. an odd time you can understand but not if its so regular that you kinda expect it every time you plan on meeting.

PS - the good thing about flaky people IME is that due to their nature, they are very easy to drop without any fuss.

Agree with MrsBert - don't make a fuss (it could blow up in your face) just quietly drop. Actions speak much louder than words here.

We didn't confront after the restaurant thing as it was a genuine family emergency (although it later occurred to me they must have known they weren't going to make it well before they called) and it didn't end well so was all best left.

We do expect it every time we meet. It's been 4 out of the last 6 planned occasions. All on the actual day. It's exhausting.

I know it's answered itself really. I do feel strangely sad though.

Yes I feel sad when friendships that were so enjoyable hit the rocks for whatever reason. It IS sad.

No matter, dust yourself off. The same friendships may come around again but the boundaries are clear the second time around.

Thanks springy, I feel better for letting it out on here!

Hi Carly, I agree with lots of the previous posters: just fade away from your friendship.
Friendship can mean different things to different people and it seems that you are a better friend than she is.
Her loss.

Unless you know for an absolute fact that tried and trusted friends are telling you the gospel truth as to why they've let you've down, keep it to two strikes and they're out of your life.

My lovely grandad always used the two strikes rule. If someone didn't respond to his "good morning" on two occasions that was it, he stopped greeting them.

I think I've let things go because there are some pretty big issues going on for this couple and it's hard to walk away from someone who is clearly struggling.

while some things can't be helped or avoided, the recent ones definitely could have been and this weekend has somehow crossed the line for me. A no show without contact (from her, he turned up with a flimsy excuse on her behalf) is just shabby.

I had some friends like this. They wouldn't turn up to important events, and would cancel on the day with an illness excuse usually.

The husband was very nice, but quiet, the wife put him down a lot in company. Years later they finally split, and he came and apologised profusely for all the times he'd cancelled. He explained that his wife would start screaming that she had nothing to wear, was too fat, that friends all hated her, and he would end up spending the time comforting and reassuring her, until it was too late to go, and then she would be fine and he'd have to cancel.

She only did it when it was event for one of his friends though. Poor chap. He's much happier and has never been flakey again post-breakup.

As the friend there is nothing you can do. You can't keep being let down. But do keep the door open, just in case she is distancing him from his friends, and he one day needs you.

But do keep the door open, just in case she is distancing him from his friends, and she one day needs you.

Or the other way around ie it's he who is distancing her from friends etc.

Or whatever.

Indeed :)

Either way you are not duty bound to do anything. They could just be selfish gits who don't value the friendship.

I've just been experiencing this with a friend and the last time she contacted me (I think tinged with guilt at the latest blow out), I simply haven't had the desire, enthusiasm or incentive to even reply yet - and that was two weeks ago. I'm so tired of every interaction involving shall we go here/there, shall we meet up then etc. and then being let down that no way am I going to set myself up any more. I was really upset at first but I've quickly got over it as at least the anxiety about being let down has gone, and actually, it's better being free of this type of friendship than being tied to it. Shame you always end up learning the hard way though, I thought this friend was a keeper.

I've got a friend like this, seriously flakey, but a very good laugh when she's on form.

I occasionally invite her to things when it's just her and me, but have learnt to invite her along with other friends, so I'm not left sitting on my own waiting for Godot.

The thing is though, that if it's a friendship, a real one, you'll be there for your friend.
Not just social events when she's a good laugh, but the other times also.

I pop over to my flakey friend and am amazed how chaotic her life is, think laundry everywhere, really dirty kitchen, sn kids, two crazy dogs, she works pt, her DH works away for months at a time, and I think her plate is just too full.

I hope I'm a good friend to her. I think friendship with flakey people is lovely, most have mental issues IMO, but you also have to meet them half way.

Sometimes official meet ups in restaurants are too much, and you might be better meeting up in a group, or in a more casual surrounding, like a park, or gallery or something like that where you are going anyway.

Flakes are wonderful company, but need tlc! You also have a role to play as her friend.

I think most of us have had this happen.
I have twice - first time I called the friend out on it and she changed her behaviour.
Second time I just let the friendship fade, through I am sure the friend to this day does not know why I did that and would probably have posted on here that she didn't understand why she had been dropped.
I am sure it not 'personal' on their side, they are just so focused on themselves and their world that they forget about other people.
I would not stress too much about it.

With friends like this - assuming I still like them in theory - then I only invite them to things where if they don't turn up then it doesn't really matter.

Eg "me, Susie and Sal are going to the pub after work, let us know if you want to join us. It would be lovely if you could."

I have a friend like this. I'm not sure what the issue is about cancelling, but she does it more often than not. There's something she finds difficult, she's not being rude.

She does it to everyone, it's not personal to me.

I value the friendship so I have adapted to it. I don't make plans with her if it'd be awful if she dropped out (I would not plan my Christmas around her for example) but instead when we make plans I assume she'll cancel, and then it's a bonus when she doesn't and we have a lovely time.

I wouldn't bother if it was someone else and I didn't value the so much friendship though.

Sleepy that's interesting, I have another similar friend and I know she struggles with depression so I totally take her as I find her. She will tell me she's struggling rather then make something up though, which I can really empathise with. She's also always interested in how I am as much as how she is and is such a lovely caring person that being cancelled on isn't an issue.

Venus rising, I do feel I've been there for this other friend, I've listened, counselled and offered practical help over the years but I don't think she's there for me tbh. With hindsight, most interactions have revolved around her in quite a passive aggressive way. I expect she'll be in touch with a random text at some point and then it all begins again. I need to break the cycle.

I have a friend who would continually back out of arranged plans. The last time she tried to arrange something I told her I was reluctant to plan anything as she always cancelled at the last minute. She swore she wouldn't......then cancelled on the day claiming illness. Shame the friends she actually went out with on that day tagged her in photos on FB! I didn't say anything, just 'liked' one of her photos. We've never discussed it. We're civil and polite if we see each other, but she's never asked to do anything together since. I suspect she knows the answer she'd get if she asked me to do something!

Well you know what's going on Curley! It's a fine line I think with some friends that they're taking the piss, or just being overwhelmed.

I'm sure you are a good friend ( look at the effort you've gone to starting a thread etc) I agree, sometimes being a good friend is calling someone out as well, so they're not so self absorbed.
If you feel your friend falls into this unredeemable "up herself" category, and seems unapologetic and unwilling to meet you half way(or at all!) yeah, I'd chill it, and maybe even call it a day depending. I think you're on the right track.