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Original poster

chronic lateness

41 replies

Abundatia · 13/09/2015 16:54

How do you feel about people who are late when meeting up with you 90% or more of the time?

I've noticed that it's often people who are quite narcissistic in general who are chronically late. It's like they think their time's so much more important than yours that it's fine to just leave you waiting every time.

Obviously we're all late occasionally for reasons beyond our control. I'm talking about people who are late pretty much all of the time.

OP posts:
BrockAuLit · 13/09/2015 16:56

I stop meeting them. My life may well be too short.

SevenSeconds · 13/09/2015 17:07

I have a friend who's always late. Her DC are nearly always late for school too. It's rubbish but I wouldn't say she's a narcissist - just disorganised, and I think it becomes a habit too. I haven't ditched her as a friend but I do find it irritating.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 13/09/2015 17:10

Not necessarily about selfishness. Sometimes it could be a processing thing, or anxiety, or the influence of a third party (my relative is always late because spouse always is). Lots of possible reasons.

Artioo · 13/09/2015 17:22

My mum was always late for everything, sometimes staggeringly, impressively late. She certainly wasn't narcissistic and she didn't think her time more valuable than anyone else's - she found it embarrassing and very stressful and would have given a lot not to be like it. She was just completely incapable of organising her time, she couldn't project forward into the future or something.

I have friends who do it. It can be frustrating, but I don't think they're being selfish, just disorganised. I just let it go, there's no point stressing.

MrsFring · 13/09/2015 18:44

I am a serious contender for the worlds most chaotic person but am very rarely late. I have cut loose two quite good friends because the continual, extreme lateness overshadowed everything else in my mind. It's very hard to see it as anything other than arrogance.

Original poster
Abundatia · 13/09/2015 19:10

I agree. It seems arrogant.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/09/2015 19:13

It depends. Not necessary narcissistic at all - some people are chronically disordered in this way.

But I wouldn't wait if it was habitual (and would hesitate to make future arrangements if they were always late). That makes the message clear.

That said, my ex was chronically late and I and the kids were dependent on his arrival. So I used to tell him the appt was an hour before it was. That worked (he was none the wiser).

queenofthepirates · 13/09/2015 19:16

My mother is late and rather self adsorbed. She once delayed a funeral by an hour because of her lateness. She left the rest of our family waiting on the quayside for half a day because she wanted to pet a rabbit and missed a connecting ferry. She is unapologetic and blames everyone else. It has ruined our relationship because I am so often cross with her lame excuses so I just don't bother having a relationship with her. She's so wrapped up in herself, she's yet to notice.

TopOfTheCliff · 13/09/2015 19:21

How much leeway would you allow? My DM is always about 40 minutes late for things, I am about ten minutes late but my DS goes ballistic if I am more than 2 minutes late. He is always early!

My problem is I try to cram in too many things and don't allow enough travel time or time for locking up, getting car out, road works and delays or parking at the other end. It isn't because I don't value the other person's time just that I am an eternal optimist.

springydaffs · 13/09/2015 19:34

One hour rule: aim to leave an hour before a local appt. That covers all eventualities. Then d-day is eg 1 not 2.

My clocks - everywhere - are all 5 minutes fast - except the bathroom, which is 10 minutes fast (more time gets lost there)

Original poster
Abundatia · 13/09/2015 19:50

Good for you! You are very organised.

OP posts:
redredblue · 13/09/2015 19:54

I agree. They usually are narcissistic, or very very unorganised.
Start doing it back so she realises how annoying it is, or take something to do to occupy yourself while you are waiting.
I have a friend like this, I tell her I'm there before I even leave my house and she still keeps me waiting 15+ minutes Angry

Original poster
Abundatia · 13/09/2015 19:57

One chronically late friend openly admitted she'd gone into a shop on her way to meet me to have a look at some outfits she might like to buy. No regard whatsoever for the fact I'm sitting waiting at the restaurant.

OP posts:
Scarletforya · 13/09/2015 19:58

I don't entertain people like that at all. I just disappear.

JasperDamerel · 13/09/2015 20:06

I'm usually late for things. In my case it's a mixture of total disorganisation (missing front door keys/shoes/vital thing required for wherever I'm going) and also of fear of being early, so I have to time things just right so that I don't have to hide round the corner from wherever I'm supposed to be until the right time, and especially so I don't get distracted if I'm early and think I have time to do something else nearby, which will lead to more lateness. I'm really bad at perceiving the flow of time in general, especially when it only affects me. I do get a bit obsessive about being in time when travelling, so I am usually early for planes and trains, but I find that so stressful that I prefer not to travel much.

Icouldbesogoodforyou · 13/09/2015 20:29

It can also be a symptom of ADHD. Not just because of disorganisation but a lot of people with ADHD seem to be 'time blind', they just don't see time in the same way as NT people and usually have no idea how long things take or lose track of time altogether.

pocketsaviour · 13/09/2015 20:39

I think a lot of it is upbringing, actually. I had an ex who was perpetually late, as were his entire family. They just didn't see precise timing as being important.

TopOfTheCliff · 13/09/2015 21:11

That's why I was asking about a timeframe. If your family think "within and hour " is okay and your friend thinks "within five minutes" is pushing the limit of politeness you are going to clash. Is the agreed meeting time the earliest to expect them or the latest? I think there is room for misunderstanding.

I once told my family the flight check-in time an hour early then forgot I had and panicked all the way up the motorway. When we got there I was in pieces and the check-in hadn't actually opened!

springydaffs · 13/09/2015 21:15

Organised, yes. Chronic late person in a former life is why. If I just get my bod out the house ONE HOUR before an appt I know I'm not going to be stressed out of my head and can enjoy myself come what may.

So if an appt is at 2pm I clock that means 1pm.

Simple tip Grin

TopOfTheCliff · 13/09/2015 21:22

I like that springy I will try it. I never allow enough time. Although I put all the clocks ahead I remember I have and leave later!

I used to laugh at my slightly Narc XH though. He would set off late for the train and be cross when it had left. The neighbour would see him running and drive him to his connection because he was so important he just musn't miss it! Why didn't the train driver understand how important he was? hahaha

sapphirestars · 13/09/2015 22:17

I find that you assuming that lateness links to narcissism a bit Hmm but okay.

Anyway I used to be late all the time but it was never to do with being full of self importance. I suffer with bad anxiety and panic attacks so I would used to lay reading or something until as late as poss (I think this was my wanting to prolong it- I had real bad social anxiety and issues with the way I looked.) Then I would create a rod for my own back by not having enough time to get ready "to look right" then I would cry at the stress thatI had created myself then all the more fueling the anxiety that it was stressful plus the added thoughts that I was ugly and everyone would look at me. Gees I feel exhausted reading that. I've had act counselling since and it changed my life as I couldn't even get on buses and had problems with feeling exposed. So I now fins funnily enough that I am much better at being on time. Amazing what you do to yourself because of mental and body issues. So not everyone does it because they are horrible. Luckily I learned to be honest with my friends and they knew when I had a bad episode but I'm just glad at least that I managed to meet them because my head used to scream cancel. Much calmer these days. X

sapphirestars · 13/09/2015 22:19

Find* sorry on phone

ScarletRuby · 13/09/2015 23:39

Persistent lateness is the height of bad manners and I couldn't be friends with someone who thought so little of me that they couldn't be arsed to turn up on time.

EngTech · 13/09/2015 23:47

An agreed time to meet, is an agreed time.

People who know me, if they are 5 minutes or more late, I won't be here

Brutal, possibly rude? Yes but if I can be on time, why can't they ?

Cookingongas · 14/09/2015 00:04

Eng- I think you are rude and had I been your friend, I would have been happy to lose that friendship if you valued it so little that I wasn't worth 6 mins + of your precious time Hmm

As it happens I'm chronically early. Always a min of 10 minutes of not more. My dh is late. Should we ever divorce I truly believe his time keeping would be strong grounds after do many years. But its not intentional. I've seen how stressed and embarrassed it makes him. But he can't seem to change- even though he tries. And he does try. It grates. And we've argued about it- more because I'm punctual to a fault and it's the only clash between us. But his anxiety is the cause. Not arrogance.