DH has become a selfish lover, and it's really affecting how I feel about him

[Username277]

Can't post in the sex thread because I've created a secondary account to post this, but there is some sexual content below!

When we got together, DH was a virgin and he turned out to be really great in the sack! He always made sure I came first, and usually multiple times and the sex often lasted all day.

Fast forward to now: He gets some form of sexual gratification at least 2-3 times a week (not including the times where he would rather masturbate on his own- because it's quicker, and helps him to relax?!) Out of those times I probably get orgasms from maybe 1 a fortnight? It's not that he doesn't know how to get me off, it's that he's being just too damn lazy and selfish to consider my needs.

Typical scenario 1: He wakes up in the middle of the night with a stonking hard on, rubs it up against me and it ends in a bj. He then yawns and says he's sorry but he has work in the morning and he's really tired. He'll make sure I get some tomorrow (which never comes- no pun intended).

Scenario 2: Same as before but with actual penetration and a 10 second fumble to get me ready. I occasionally have a minuscule orgasm.

Scenario 3: We have set aside the evening to have an early night so that I get some. Throughout the evening I prompt him several times to come to bed, and he makes an excuse and says he needs 10/20 more minutes each time. Eventually I go to bed at around 11pm and read or something. I go to check where he is at 11.30ish and he's asleep on the sofa. I wake him up and he swears he was just 'resting his eyes' and needs a few more minutes. He eventually comes to bed and apologises, saying he's too tired.

Scenario 4: We set aside the night to go to bed early and have some fun. He delays and delays because he 'has to let his stomach settle' or is 'just having a quick brew' or 'just wants to watch the end of this program'. We end up going up around 10.30ish. It feels very scheduled and awkward (even though he's never in the mood when I try to be spontaneous). He spends a few seconds kissing me (even though I repeatedly tell him that kissing is a great way to get me in the mood), then moves down to pinch and pull at my nipples- don't get me wrong, I LOVE a bit of pain with my pleasure, but he doesn't take the time or care to get the balance. Then he heads straight down there and gets to work orally, with very little variation. After I've orgasmed, he gets a great blowjob, penetrates me for < 5 minutes and then we're done and he wants a cuddle.

If you're still with me, last night, scenario 4 began to play out, but I asked him to stop as soon as he got past my nipples, because I could tell he wasn't in the mood and that really didn't get me in the mood. He said he was but he was just tired. I said that I wasn't and explained that it would be nice to have a bit more sensuality and time spent on me. He said we 'didn't have loads of time to do all that stuff'. I explained that I wasn't suggesting with got out the toy box and rope and made a night of it, just that it would be nice to have some teasing and kissing, and maybe some focus on my whole body instead of leaping to the 3 hot spots and expecting me to be ready. We tried kissing, but I ended up moving away from him because he still clearly wasn't into it. I suggested that we leave it there and go to sleep seeing as he was tired and he agreed. He knew I was upset because I had a serious discussion with him not so long ago about me doing a lot of giving and not getting much in return. Note, I don't mind the odd occasion when it's all about him, I actually get a lot out of pleasuring him; I would just like a bit more consideration than I'm currently getting! Anyway, he went straight to sleep and I ended up sat up for another hour, feeling upset and angry with him.

He's just called from work today, and he knows I'm upset but I said I'd rather talk when he gets home. I have no idea what to say without just repeating everything I've already said to him several times and ending up with promises that are never kept!

Has anyone else ever experienced this? How did you work it out?

Sex as a couple is really important for me, and I don't want to just 'sort myself out'. There's a lot more that I want from a sexual encounter than just a quick orgasm!

Ok missfitt I'll reword. I know some that live (happily) in a 24/7 collared d/s or even m/s relationship. In some of these cases the lines of consent are blurred (willingly and, again, happily). This is the same for whether sexual needs are satisfied (e.g. Orgasm control/orgasm denial). It seems, to me, to be far more than play. It can be a lifestyle choice. Admittedly, not my personal lifestyle choice but still.... It's out there. That can't be disputed

However, I was just getting clarification from op so I could give advice accordingly.

There's obviously orgasm control / orgasm denial going on and it's clearly not consensual, sexy, or appreciated by the Op. It's just fucking lazy and selfish.

Chelle it really doesn't matter whether they play at ds / cnc or dress up as raw poultry .Even if this was previously agreed and part of previous dynamics (and Op clearly states that's not the case) she can change the agreement at any time.

Every person is entitled to be treated with respect regardless of the type of sexual games they enjoy or the lifestyle choices they make. The advice surely is standard, don't put up with disrespectful behaviour.

I'm intrigued to know what advice you would give the Op if she said she was in a 24/7 collared relationship, or a full ds relationship?

I'd still say don't put up with disrespectful behaviour. What would you say ?

I'd say the same but op is also not complaining about late night blow jobs and said she won't be stopping that.

The thing is, if it were a 24/7 dynamic in some sense it's harder to rectify /get out of. There may be dependency and since they are married it's likely to be ingrained. I'm aware my lack of eloquence is making it sound awful now I mention dependency .

Op will have a strong desire to please and will struggle to say no. This is where the ds becomes relevant. This is also where, I believe, the dh has found himself in a cushy position. Op unlikely to say no and he can do what he wants.

I don't think it's about asking for the attention (this isn't op but subs are a needy bunch) but withdrawing consent.

How did it go?

How about instead of Bj give a hand job but run your fingers over some scotch bonnet chilli beforehand. Pay particular and loving attention to his foreskin and wait until the pain sets in..might just make him a bit less selfish..

A good Dom puts the needs of his sub before his own, or risks losing her.

D/s has to work for both, or you can either end the relationship, or renegotiate terms.

Just like vanilla, really. You don't have to keep your side of the deal, even if you are driven to be sub, if he doesn't keep his. There are many more Dom's out there - get references from their previous subs.

Apologies for the errant apostrophe - my IPad isn't great with punctuation.

Thanks for all the comments everyone. I must say that chelle792 is correct in that D/s does complicate things somewhat. When something has been a part of our dynamic for such a long time, it's difficult to just stop it, and like I said, I actually enjoy giving the midnight bjs- I'm just feeling more than a bit naffed off that he has stopped reciprocating, and upset that it seems to be a chore for him.

We had a good long chat the other night, and I think we have a good plan of action set in motion. We've agreed to have at least one night a week where we don't watch TV or use the Internet and just spend time together instead (not necessarily sexy time either, just time with each other). DH has also agreed that for a few weeks, he'll cut out the porn. This isn't because I have an issue with it, or that I think there is anything wrong with watching porn. We both felt that there was a chance that it was affecting things because of the ease of masturbation vs 2 person sex, and it was also suggested that as he skips right to the blow job scenes when he watches porn, that might be sticking in his subconscious! He genuinely doesn't remember the previous arguments we've had, he has a terrible memory. This made me more than a bit cross at first, because I felt like it was another sign that he just didn't care about how I felt. I know it seems a bit irrational to expect him to remember certain things when he clearly has issues remembering anything, but he has agreed to look into techniques to help remember important things for the future, because I really think it is important that we are both able to look back on previous arguments so we don't make the same mistakes over and over again!

It's going well so far, although there hasn't been any sex yet. After our argument/ discussion on Sunday evening, he shouted me upstairs to give me a massage whilst dinner was cooking. We spent the rest of the evening playing a game together, and then had an early night and cuddled. Last night, I saw that he had tried to get his Mum to babysit so he could take me out, but she wasn't available. Instead we played a hand for a bit, and then he asked me to read out loud to him (clearly I have a very boring reading voice, because he actually fell asleep ??). I really do feel like he's trying much harder :)

I'm sure you'll get some negative comments to your update, the key thing here is to continue to share your thoughts and feelings and see if things do permanently change to an acceptable standard.

Don't let things slide and that means raising issues as you think of them.

Best of luck OP, I hope all works out for you

Jeez, I'm so glad it isn't obligatory to live my life indentured to and subject to the whims of a prick like that. You are literally doing a public service, op....keeping him away from women who consider that they have a mind and a life of their own.

Asking you to read out loud to him while he falls asleep does not sound like an enormous effort on his part.

He genuinely doesn't remember the previous arguments we've had

Sorry OP but, well, the most cynical face you can imagine, that's what I'm pulling right now.

If he genuinely has short term memory problems (presumably from a head injury or other neurological cause?) which I'm sure must cause him terrible day to day problems in his job, driving, keeping appointments, remembering your child's name, etc, then I would be sadly prepared for him to "genuinely forget" the conversation you had on Sunday as soon as he realises he can still get his midnight BJs/shags without bothering to reciprocate.

I'm aware that sounds harsh... but I'm really sick of hearing "I forgot" asn excuse for treating someone else like shit. What, you forgot to treat your partner as a human being? Oh fuck the fuck off. I could have full on amnesia, I still wouldn't treat someone else as a wank sock.

op I'm nodding and smiling right about now.

I was going to say something earlier that I knew would get torn to shreds - I don't think pp are appreciating the effort it takes for him. No denying he's neglected your needs and that's not on but just a thought - maybe he's tired of the thinking/planning. It's good to see that he's finally listening and taking it seriously.

I'm going to pm you x

For anyone that's interested, things are still going well. DH took me for a nice evening out yesterday. He's been complimenting me a lot and letting me know that he appreciates the effort I've been putting into my appearance. We hadn't really set aside time for anything sexual (just time to be together, so no pressure on either side), but last night I instigated a midnight bj, and halfway through he stopped me and reciprocated (3 times ) before letting me continue and having his own orgasm.

I'm pleased with the improvement so far and it seems to be having a positive impact on our relationship.

Great news!

Really pleased for you. It's easy to lose your way and perspective sometimes and I'm glad all's well so far.

Fantastic!!