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Original poster

DH has become a selfish lover, and it's really affecting how I feel about him

94 replies

Username277 · 13/09/2015 10:27

Can't post in the sex thread because I've created a secondary account to post this, but there is some sexual content below!

When we got together, DH was a virgin and he turned out to be really great in the sack! He always made sure I came first, and usually multiple times and the sex often lasted all day.

Fast forward to now: He gets some form of sexual gratification at least 2-3 times a week (not including the times where he would rather masturbate on his own- because it's quicker, and helps him to relax?!) Out of those times I probably get orgasms from maybe 1 a fortnight? It's not that he doesn't know how to get me off, it's that he's being just too damn lazy and selfish to consider my needs.

Typical scenario 1: He wakes up in the middle of the night with a stonking hard on, rubs it up against me and it ends in a bj. He then yawns and says he's sorry but he has work in the morning and he's really tired. He'll make sure I get some tomorrow (which never comes- no pun intended).

Scenario 2: Same as before but with actual penetration and a 10 second fumble to get me ready. I occasionally have a minuscule orgasm.

Scenario 3: We have set aside the evening to have an early night so that I get some. Throughout the evening I prompt him several times to come to bed, and he makes an excuse and says he needs 10/20 more minutes each time. Eventually I go to bed at around 11pm and read or something. I go to check where he is at 11.30ish and he's asleep on the sofa. I wake him up and he swears he was just 'resting his eyes' and needs a few more minutes. He eventually comes to bed and apologises, saying he's too tired.

Scenario 4: We set aside the night to go to bed early and have some fun. He delays and delays because he 'has to let his stomach settle' or is 'just having a quick brew' or 'just wants to watch the end of this program'. We end up going up around 10.30ish. It feels very scheduled and awkward (even though he's never in the mood when I try to be spontaneous). He spends a few seconds kissing me (even though I repeatedly tell him that kissing is a great way to get me in the mood), then moves down to pinch and pull at my nipples- don't get me wrong, I LOVE a bit of pain with my pleasure, but he doesn't take the time or care to get the balance. Then he heads straight down there and gets to work orally, with very little variation. After I've orgasmed, he gets a great blowjob, penetrates me for < 5 minutes and then we're done and he wants a cuddle.

If you're still with me, last night, scenario 4 began to play out, but I asked him to stop as soon as he got past my nipples, because I could tell he wasn't in the mood and that really didn't get me in the mood. He said he was but he was just tired. I said that I wasn't and explained that it would be nice to have a bit more sensuality and time spent on me. He said we 'didn't have loads of time to do all that stuff'. I explained that I wasn't suggesting with got out the toy box and rope and made a night of it, just that it would be nice to have some teasing and kissing, and maybe some focus on my whole body instead of leaping to the 3 hot spots and expecting me to be ready. We tried kissing, but I ended up moving away from him because he still clearly wasn't into it. I suggested that we leave it there and go to sleep seeing as he was tired and he agreed. He knew I was upset because I had a serious discussion with him not so long ago about me doing a lot of giving and not getting much in return. Note, I don't mind the odd occasion when it's all about him, I actually get a lot out of pleasuring him; I would just like a bit more consideration than I'm currently getting! Anyway, he went straight to sleep and I ended up sat up for another hour, feeling upset and angry with him.

He's just called from work today, and he knows I'm upset but I said I'd rather talk when he gets home. I have no idea what to say without just repeating everything I've already said to him several times and ending up with promises that are never kept!

Has anyone else ever experienced this? How did you work it out?

Sex as a couple is really important for me, and I don't want to just 'sort myself out'. There's a lot more that I want from a sexual encounter than just a quick orgasm!

OP posts:
OddlyLogical · 13/09/2015 17:28

Dom does not mean selfish. The DS is irrelevant to this problem.
He has become lazy and that is unacceptable. Withholding BJs won't actually solve that, he'll probably just wank instead as he is going for the easiest option.
You have to talk to him. Assuming the rest of the relationship was good and sex was good before, this has to be worth some effort.
Most long term relationships have periods when sex gets a bit dull - it takes effort to get them back on track.

chelle792 · 13/09/2015 18:11

I think the ds makes all the difference because it would change how the op approaches the situation.

Pp are right in that he might be being lazy but it could just be that he's enjoying his 'power'. He needs to realise that he has a sub and her needs trump his. It is his job to take care of op and her needs so that she is willing and happy to stay in the ds relationship.

Right now, he's at risk of losing his status and potentially his girlfriend.

op I don't think you will get the answers you need on here. You maybe need to try somewhere like fet? This is far more than having a dick of a boyfriend. I wonder whether you have someone masquerading as a dom rather than a true dom?

Ps - I can't believe I'm writing all of this on here Blush

chelle792 · 13/09/2015 18:14

Another question op - any denial negotiated? Is that his thing?

AnyFucker · 13/09/2015 18:17

what shite

some people don't half use some convoluted bullshit to excuse lazy men

chelle792 · 13/09/2015 18:18

anyfucker sounds crazy but some have the dynamic that works. It doesn't work when one is a selfish prick though!

AnyFucker · 13/09/2015 18:45

Precisely

chelle792 · 13/09/2015 18:57

I just want to find out more from op to see if we can work out where the problem is....

RiaOverTheRainbow · 13/09/2015 18:58

Being a dom is not some mystical status, it's a sexual preference. Being into d/s does not make someone a shitty partner, and nor does it preclude it. It should in no way hinder communication. The problem here is that the OP (sorry to talk about you in third person) is not satisfied with her sex life, and her dp doesn't seem to care. The details of their sex life are irrelevant.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2015 19:03

Chele , this is what I am saying

Why would anyone spend more time "trying to work out what the problem is"

You are simply looking for any tenuous reason to let him off the hook

He sounds shit

The end

chelle792 · 13/09/2015 19:06

The details of sex life irrelevant, yes. The dynamics, no. I dunno.... I'm confusing myself now but my gut was that it's relevant and OP's dh needs a kick up the arse.

He either needs to lose his dom status (easier said than done) or they need to renegotiate hard and soft limits. He's sat cozy in his dom status getting his needs met while op is suffering. He can either take in to account op's hard limits (it may be that denial was accepted as part of play in the early days) or lose the gift of her submission.

My questions have been very relevant. Hope you can pop back op Flowers

chelle792 · 13/09/2015 19:08

anyfucker that's the thing.this is the reason why he really shouldn't be let off the hook. Op has given her dh a gift and he's abusing it. It's even more important that he doesn't get let off. I'm just trying to find out why/how it happened

Whatifitoldyou · 13/09/2015 19:12

There's absolutely nothing to suggest this is a ds relationship in anything other than name. The Dh in this scenario cannot be arsed, is regularly too tired, would rather have a brew or finish watching telly, and doesn't even make the minimum effort. He's said he doesn't have time to do all that stuff meaning ropes and stuff. It's the op who is initiating things and he would rather let his stomach settle on the sofa instead of going to bed.

There's nothing Dom about it. In fact it sounds like the Op is the more sexually dominant partner as she has to tell him to do simple things like umm, come to bed, get me off, let's try something different ect. Some people are not into it and your Dh sounds like one of them.

Letting someone fuck you whenever they want with minimum effort doesn't equal a ds relationship. It just equals a shit fuck.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 13/09/2015 19:14

What gift???

He's a selfish twat, there really isn't anymore to know

Get out and move on with your life

bendybootpumpkinpatch · 13/09/2015 19:16

How did it morph into that? It seems weird to go from virgin to full on domination mode.
Maybe he'd just like some normal sex?

RiaOverTheRainbow · 13/09/2015 19:18

chelle I think you're making d/s out to be more than it is. It's supposed to be fun, like all sex. Whatever the OP was happy with in the beginning of their relationship she's not happy with the way things are now, and she has told her dp this. That is all that matters.

CocktailQueen · 13/09/2015 19:18

For a start, if my dh woke my in the middle of the night for sex I'd tell him where to go, and it certainly wouldn't lead to a BJ! He's completely selfish. What a turn off.

So his sex drive is fine, but he just wants pleasure, and doesn't care about your orgasm. Fine in no relationship, whether 'vanilla' or d/s.

Whatifitoldyou · 13/09/2015 19:21

Dom status? Chelle your really going overboard with this Dom rubbish.

None of the following is Dom. It's just shit. Ie Just let me finish this brew. I need my guts to settle. I want to watch this programme. I'm too tired. I can only manage a ten second fumble. I can only fuck for a few minutes. I'm shit at oral. I have to be told what to do even down to the basics.

MissFitt68 · 13/09/2015 19:28

This d/ s stuff is just a game. It can be stopped as easily as op likes chelle! It's not intrinsic. It's a game. That's all. And sounds like op doesn't want to play anymore

Whatifitoldyou · 13/09/2015 19:37

A default yes to shit sex doesn't make him a dom. It makes him lazy and selfish.

scallopsrgreat · 13/09/2015 20:05

No it sounds like he doesn't want to 'play' anymore (whatever that means) MissFitt.

A D/S relationship with the woman as the S. Imagine my surprise. Also imagine my surprise that blokey turns into a selfish wanker. No really.

Agree with AF. Wholeheartedly.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2015 20:42

I am intuiting you are a trifle taken aback scallops Smile

chelle792 · 13/09/2015 21:01

Op's dh is lazy, yes. He is in the wrong. He is not paying enough attention. He either needs to sort his act out or she will eventually get rid.

I'm going to have to name change after this thread, I think, but with some people the ds dynamic means a whole lot more than just play. This is a fact.

MissFitt68 · 13/09/2015 21:31

We can all state 'this is a fact' ... When it's possibly not

LittleRedRidingHoodie1 · 13/09/2015 22:27

Whatifitoldyou straight to the point there. Agreed.

oldaninpurple · 13/09/2015 22:32

Quite curious at the distinctly judgemental tone of some comments about D/s dynamics... However absolutely agree on the selfish, lazy lover!

Whatever the style of relationship, I think a frank conversation is called for as it clearly isn't working right now for you OP.