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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has been lying for 12 years

51 replies

Oovavu · 12/09/2015 22:58

I found out early this week that he's been smoking on and off for 12 years. I thought he'd quit a year after dd1 was born. He dud for a while then relapsed but instead of telling me, he's hidden it from me ever since.

He started using a vape pipe 8 months ago and that's what I found. I don't actually give a shit about the smoking, other than it's bad for him and our life insurance us probably fucked. sigh

The issue is that he's taken the role of naughty kid and given me the role of dispiriting parent by lying/ avoiding the truth. What really hurts too is his colleagues at work know as do his mates who he socialises with. His parents, our shared friends & our kids have no idea.

He's contrite but passive since I found out. Again he's playing the child (I think) and waiting for his 'punishment' then I think he thinks we can move on.

He's a fabulous dad, a good man and I love him to pieces. But I am so fucking angry I can hardly look at him. I don't know whether to cry or lash out right now. He's gone away for a few days on a long-standing trip with friends. I feel numb and am so confused. Am I massively overreacting? I feel so betrayed. Am I really that scary that he couldn't tell me? I was very supportive when he tried to give up the first time. I don't know if I can feel the same about him now - the trust has been destroyed.

I know there are worse betrayals in a marriage but it's all relative and this isn't the kind of relationship I thought we had. I feel so angry and so sad.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 12/09/2015 23:02

So is he vaping or smoking? I'm sorry I'm tired and can't work out which.

BeautifulBatman · 12/09/2015 23:06

You're massively overreacting. It's not illegal. He hasn't subjected you or your children to any side effects. The way you're going ok, it's as if he's been having an affair, shooting heroine into his eyeballs and gambled your house away. With respect, get a grip.

Original poster

Oovavu · 12/09/2015 23:09

Yes thanks, BeautifulBatman. Just what I was hoping for.
I've already said I don't give a shit about the smoking; it's the lying I can't stomach. Would you really not mind if your partner had been hiding something from you for 12 years and you couldn't work out why?

OP posts:

Original poster

Oovavu · 12/09/2015 23:11

Gamerchick- He's vaping now - don't think he's smoked cigarettes for a while now. Although he also admitted to smoking cannabis sometimes when he goes out. Again, the fact that I know nothing about a part of his life but other people do upsets me.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 12/09/2015 23:12

I understand you being pissed off and disappointed but Lordy, aren't you taking this a bit too much to heart?

How many is he on a day now?

BeautifulBatman · 12/09/2015 23:15

At a guess, he's hid it because of how you might react.... looks like he was right....

Hiding an affair, a gambling/money problem etc, then yes, I'd have the hump. But a was smoking/now vaping issue? No, sorry. Pick your battles. This really isn't one worth it.

ShatnersBassoon · 12/09/2015 23:15

It's a bad habit, it doesn't make him a bad person. I can understand why he lied about it.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 12/09/2015 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cookingongas · 12/09/2015 23:15

I'm with you. My dh lied about smoking/stopping in the early days. I can't talk about it now without getting angry. It wasn't the smoking. But rather the lies. Ffs be honest. Ffs respect me and yourself. I felt like his bloody mother! Why couldn't he man up and tell me the truth? I met a smoker. Married a smoker. Why did he think I couldn't face the fact he carried on smoking?! Why did he think he had the right to chose what He deemed fit for me to know and no more?!

For what it's worth- he did vape and give up. Very much on his terms. We're very happy now. Have the argument and work to get over it.

goddessofsmallthings · 12/09/2015 23:22

It's easy to work out why he's hidden his habit from you for 12 years - he hasn't been able to break it and he's been scared of your anger. Can you honestly say that you wouldn't have been on his case on a daily or weekly basis if you'd been aware that he was smoking?

Give the guy a break; no-one except possibly himself has been harmed by his smoking and switching to vaping shows that he is attempting to get a grip on his tobacco consumption, as are many others who are addicted to nicotine.

Original poster

Oovavu · 12/09/2015 23:25

Thank you Cookingongas. It's just that: I get that smoking is hard to kick and I'd support him. I'm not a fucking ogre! It is about respect, and I feel like his parent. I've asked him a few times on occasion when I've thought I smelt it but he's denied it and made me feel silly for asking. And each time I've completely believed him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Oovavu · 12/09/2015 23:31

Ok thanks for replies.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 12/09/2015 23:35

It's the lying though, isn't it? I totally understand what you mean. It could be anything, not smoking. Just feeling like he's looked you in the eye and lied is the killer.

Fairenuff · 12/09/2015 23:35

I understand what you're saying OP but didn't you initially take on the 'parent' role by asking him to stop in the first place? Or did he volunteer without any prompting from you?

DarkNavyBlue · 13/09/2015 00:00

Not all lies ar equal though. This one seems pretty mild to me.

quicklydecides · 13/09/2015 00:06

I would be so upset and I would think, well, that we aren't as close as I thought.
All that sneaking round, brushing his teeth, pretending to pop out to the bins, avoiding kissing me, hiding the packs.
I would be gutted.

Viviennemary · 13/09/2015 00:08

It's annoying and of course you should be concerned about his health. But he is an adult and it's his decision to smoke. I think this is a lot more common than most people realise. People hiding the fact they smoke from their partners. It's not the greatest sin and I wouldn't concentrate on the lying. He lied because he knew you disapproved and it would cause rows.

SilverFeather · 13/09/2015 00:19

I think I'd be furious too OP. As you say, it not the act itself but the fact that he has been lying. I actually think that the length of his deception makes this much worse. If it had been just a few months then you'd probably only feel mildly annoyed. He must have gone to great lengths to hide this for so long, so on top of the overall big lie, he was telling many more smaller lies on a very frequent basis.

Having said that, I think I'd probably be able to forgive this in time. I'm not sure how you go about moving on from this though. Perhaps if he showed a bit more remorse and understood the gravity?

YonicScrewdriver · 13/09/2015 00:24

People saying "of course he didn't tell you, look how you are reacting" are missing the point that it's the lies, not the smoking.

Atenco · 13/09/2015 00:28

Well my SIL lied to her husband and her son about her smoking, because that way she didn't fall into smoking a lot and smoking around the house as she would have done if she had been honest.

VinoTime · 13/09/2015 00:40

I'm sorry but I think lying to your partner for 12 years about an absolutely foul habit that can harm your health in such a huge, huge way is a fucking awful thing to do! And he's a shithead for doing it. It's not just his life he's playing with here. Think of the damage and sorrow his smoking related death would cause his family - the family who didn't even know he smoked. And his lying would render his life insurance policy useless, so that would have been another delightful surprise for his wife to deal with, on top of already losing her husband and finding out he'd been lying to her all these years.

I'm an ex smoker (20+ a day before I quit), so I understand just how hard it can be to stop. Hard, but hardly impossible. And it is getting easier to steer away from it with all the new products that are becoming available. I mean, even if he'd told the OP that he had gone back to smoking for a while, but that he was now vaping instead, even that would've been better. It really is a disgusting habit and the impact on your health is so significant. You just don't lie about something that could potentially affect your entire family in my opinion.

OP I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I would feel massively hurt and upset too. Have some

NewLife4Me · 13/09/2015 00:45

I can understand how you feel, it's the betrayal and nothing to do with the cause. he's lied to you and he's a coward too.
There are worst things though, and if you've never got a whiff of it before it's not like he's having many as you'd have sussed before now as he'd stink.

squoosh · 13/09/2015 00:49

I think you're overreacting.

ScarletRuby · 13/09/2015 01:40

Did he smoke when you first met?

emotionsecho · 13/09/2015 01:58

It may be that he didn't tell you 12years ago when he started smoking again because he didn't want to admit defeat and/or failure, kidded himself that he would stop again soon so no need to tell you yet, deceived himself into thinking that he wasn't really still smoking because he wasn't doing it in front of you. The longer he left telling you the truth the harder it became.

I can understand why you are so angry he lied but I think you do need to try and talk about it calmly with him.

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