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Original poster

DH has been lying for 12 years

51 replies

Oovavu · 12/09/2015 22:58

I found out early this week that he's been smoking on and off for 12 years. I thought he'd quit a year after dd1 was born. He dud for a while then relapsed but instead of telling me, he's hidden it from me ever since.

He started using a vape pipe 8 months ago and that's what I found. I don't actually give a shit about the smoking, other than it's bad for him and our life insurance us probably fucked. sigh

The issue is that he's taken the role of naughty kid and given me the role of dispiriting parent by lying/ avoiding the truth. What really hurts too is his colleagues at work know as do his mates who he socialises with. His parents, our shared friends & our kids have no idea.

He's contrite but passive since I found out. Again he's playing the child (I think) and waiting for his 'punishment' then I think he thinks we can move on.

He's a fabulous dad, a good man and I love him to pieces. But I am so fucking angry I can hardly look at him. I don't know whether to cry or lash out right now. He's gone away for a few days on a long-standing trip with friends. I feel numb and am so confused. Am I massively overreacting? I feel so betrayed. Am I really that scary that he couldn't tell me? I was very supportive when he tried to give up the first time. I don't know if I can feel the same about him now - the trust has been destroyed.

I know there are worse betrayals in a marriage but it's all relative and this isn't the kind of relationship I thought we had. I feel so angry and so sad.

OP posts:
slithytove · 13/09/2015 02:06

Dh lied to me about his smoking for three years.

I was angry for all the same reasons you were. So yanbu.

Told him it was a deal breaker (the lying) and from now on he was to be honest.

He quit smoking but occasionally lapses on social occasions. But I know about them, so manage. He smokes less now then when he lied.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/09/2015 02:09

I don't smoke in front of the DDs or DH really - basically I only smoke at work a bit, and when out with friends - and I was shocked a couple of weeks ago to find out that he hadn't known I had started smoking again!!

I wasn't hiding it from him on purpose, I just hadn't lit up in front of him...

So maybe there is no real nefarious lying going on OP, maybe he thought you knew but was just being polite or whatever and not doing it in front of you?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/09/2015 02:11

Oh. I just noticed that he had DENIED it when asked outright.

I take back what I said!

The lying would totally bother me too.

Kuriusoranj · 13/09/2015 02:14

I'd be furious too. For me, grown-ups own their decisions and their behaviour. I'm not sure it matters too much what the lie is - the fact is that he has been lying for so long. I think your picturing this as a naughty child-admonishing parent situation is dead right.

YADNBU. On the other hand - it seems like this is one of those situations where you can be right or you can be happy. Be mad, but don't let it overwhelm you. Give it some time and let it go.

WongTobyWong · 13/09/2015 02:35

OP, I would feel exactly the same way. It's the lying - and being sucked into the roles of angry parent/meek child. I'd be furious and I think many of the other responses have been very harsh.

Hoppipolar · 13/09/2015 07:15

I wouldn't consider it a huge betrayal but that's probably because I've been through a lot worse betrayals. I'd be inclined to ignore it really. Otherwise you will end up playing the parent

niceupthedance · 13/09/2015 07:26

Maybe he didn't want to give up? Lying would probably save a few rows in that case.

Toffeelatteplease · 13/09/2015 07:36

I thought you were overreacting.

Until you mentioned the cannabis. There was my dealbreaker

ShrewDriver · 13/09/2015 07:37

I also completely understand your being upset OP. Especially about him hiding something from you that he has shared with others, and casting you in the "authority" role. If he doesn't seem willing to talk sensibly about it, or if you feel too angry, would you be able to write down for him how it makes you feel?

category12 · 13/09/2015 07:54

I think if he was treating it like he's getting one over you, as a kind of game of getting away with it, then it's really bad. Because it could very well apply to other things as well. As if you have been pushed into an antagonistic roles of the spoilsport rulemaker and, I don't know, Dennis the menace. It's not fair and it stops you being a team, instead making you someone to be tricked. It's disrespectful.

Why lie, it's a stupid long running lie? I think the idea he's afraid to tell you - well, it's pathetic. Unless you're an abuser, he needs to grow up and take responsibility, not act as though you are opponents.

ListenToYourHeart33 · 13/09/2015 07:56

Hiya, I too would not be happy with the lying... however...

He probably didn't tell you about the smoking as he thought you would be upset.

He's also lied to your face when you asked him about it. This will hurt and bother you and probably play on your mind.

Now, lets look at the bigger picture. Have you told him lies, just little ones, ie, what you spent on something, bought, chatted too, etc etc.?

I think we all are capable of telling lies without thinking we are doing any harm.

He's not lied about an affair or gambling etc. The situation could be a hell of alot worse.

I would build a bridge, take a deep breath and get over it.

I too once upon a time would have over reacted and gone to town on this. However over time, i've realised no one is perfect and can come up 100% to how one views ideal.

We have to compromise and cut some slack.

Life's to short, enjoy your relationship and be happy :)

BathtimeFunkster · 13/09/2015 08:12

I wouldn't want to be in a marriage with somebody who thought it was OK to lie to me for years on end.

I used to smoke. DH never did. I gave up. I never lied to him about it. If I started again, I wouldn't lie to him about it, even though he prefers that I don't smoke.

I don't tell him lies about things. I'm not a liar.

If he's allowed to feel so afraid/disappointed in himself/ashamed/any other pathetic excuse that he lies to you for more than a decade about something he is open about with his friends, then you are allowed to feel as angry and betrayed as you like and take similar disproportionate action based on those feelings.

kittybiscuits · 13/09/2015 08:12

Of course he lied - he had to - look how angry you are. Number one excuse of liar''s everywhere.

What I would be interested in is why that was a better option than simply telling you and also what feelings he had about keeping something from you and lying through his teeth.

kittybiscuits · 13/09/2015 08:13

Oh God predictive text - rogue apostrophe Blush

BathtimeFunkster · 13/09/2015 08:14

Did his friends know for 12 years that he was lying to you?

How many people were in on this deception that made you into a fool while he was the rebel doing what mummy wouldn't let him? Hmm

flanjabelle · 13/09/2015 08:18

The lies aren't great no, but he actually doesn't smoke anymore. tell him you are upset he lied, support him in vaping instead, And move on!

Toffeelatteplease · 13/09/2015 09:23

The fact is everyone does lie to a greater or lesser extent. There do it out of stupidity, fear or just wanting to keep something to themselves. The arseholes are the ones who do it on purpose to make you feel bad

Based on what you have said I wouldn't put him in the arsehole category. It's in the stupid one. He knows it's stupid and therefore realistically is he likely to look anything other than sheepish

But ultimately the lying would be immaterial, the cannabis would be a blanket deal breaker for me regardless

Fairenuff · 13/09/2015 09:54

I don't get the 'he didn't tell you because he knew you'd be upset' posts.

He also knew that OP would be upset if he lied to her but that didn't stop him lying did it.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 13/09/2015 11:03

You have every right to be furious. My DH did the same so I know exactly how you feel. Cross about the smoking but even angrier at the lies and childish behaviour.
The whole thing where your DH wants to do something that he knows you won't like, so decides be a coward and lie rather than have an adult conversation - it's crap.
Be as angry as you like for as long as you like.

Patchworkpatty · 13/09/2015 11:12

You're a long time dead - as is he. Don't waste days/months of your life on stuff that doesn't really matter. Just pop over and have a quick read on the bereavement thread, and get some perspective. There really are more important battles to pick.

Fairenuff · 13/09/2015 11:21

You need to have an adult to adult discussion. Firstly you should both agree that it is up to him to decide if he is going to smoke or not and he should be truthful with you about it.

You need to let him make this decision, not try to influence him. He knows the health risks, he knows the financial costs and he knows you don't like it. He should make his own decision based on all that.

You know that he is addicted to nicotine and will find it hard to stop. You have to make your own decision on how you are going to support him if that's what he decides to do, or accept it if he decides to continue smoking.

If he is already vaping, surely that's a stepping stone to stopping anyway, so he is thinking about it?

Either way, he should get in touch with the insurance company and tell them the truth so that his insurance isn't invalidated.

Once you've done that, have the conversation about him lying and behaving like a child. Then stop acting like a parent yourself. Hopefully you can have this all sorted by this evening.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/09/2015 11:42

I would be very angry about being lied to. He has cast you as an ogre parent, not a partner, that is horrible. He needs to explain and take responsibility for doing that.

Did his friends know it was a secret from you? In which case, while utterly trivial, uninteresting and possibly quite normal to them, he was portraying you publicly as an ogre parent, not a partner, which is horrible for you and does say something about how he sees your relationship.

I think a big conversation is necessary, for him to explain, recognise what actually bothers you, apologise for that and work out how things could be different in future.

It is the lying, about anything, plus the public deceit, that counts.

BitOfFun · 13/09/2015 15:32

Pop on the bereavement threads? You are kidding, right? So nobody should be upset over anything short of actual DEATH? Which is, um, anything that happens while you're alive...

blueribbons · 13/09/2015 19:04

It's not as simple as saying it's only smoking, get over it - it is the lies that are so poisonous. And people who say he only lied to avoid upsetting you are missing the point too - scumbags lie about affairs, gambling etc in order to 'avoid upsetting' their partner, and lying for 12 years about smoking is no different. To look your partner in the eye, the person you are sharing your life, your family and your home with, and baldly lie, is insulting, demeaning, and it will destroy trust. That's what your DH has to realise. It's that constant niggle that will make you think if he can lie so consistently about that, he can lie about anything.

I would say that you could certainly get over the smoking issue, but only if your DH can properly understand the damage his lies have caused, and the importance of never lying again.

MrsSadness · 13/09/2015 20:49

I totally get why you're angry OP.
Lying for 12 years numerous times and concealing from you something that he was open about with colleagues and friends. I'd be livid if I thought my DH had been acting like a naughty schoolboy with his colleagues all the while making me out to be the big bad wolf.
Like you said it was so unnecessary because you met him as a smoker and knew he smoked and it was HIM who decided to quit.
Those saying 'look how you're reacting' have missed the point because if this was me, I'd be thinking "If he can lie so easily about something as stupid as smoking, what ELSE is he lying about?"

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