Feeling so very low. No where to turn.

[wynkenblinkennod]

Have name changed for this.
Marriage ended a couple of years ago as I found out my husband was having an affair. I have health problems, dont work but I look after my little grandaughter so my eldest daughter can work. Her, her partner and my grandaughter have been living with me whilst they were saving to buy their own house. They have been here a year and a half. It has not been great as its a small house and we are cramped. My youngest daughter lives here too. She is at uni. I am also in the process of a divorce.
At the start of this week i saw my solicitor who said my ex is threatening to stop the money he gives me every month if i do not do what he wants in negotiations. I have been so upset since then and i told my daughters. They went mad calling him all the names of the day and said they would have nothing to do with him if he done that. They saw their father last night and its as if he has done nothing wrong! I dont know what he said to them but they seem ok with it. I was crying and they said to me that i always have a drana when they are about to see their dad. I dont! I am just worried sick as the girls come back all secretive when they see him. And with the money worry i am distraught. My eldest said that it wouldnt really affect her since her little one would be starting nursery at the time he would stop the money and she wont need me to help her anymore. And my youngest daughter will be graduating about then too. I feel so betrayed and so worried and used. I cannot talk to the girls because they will scream and shout at me. I dont know what to do. Look forward to a life of poverty and despair? I get £400 a month in ESA and that is it. Not entitled to anything else. I see no way out.
Thank you for reading, tried not to drip feed.

First of all well done for being an amazing mum, to support your daughter, her partner and your grandchild when you have health issues and divorce on your plate. I think they owe you some emotional support now in return for all you've shown them. That doesn't mean disrespecting their Dad but having a go at you and suggesting you are a drama queen is borderline abusive in my book. Kids can get very entitled. Maybe they should stop guilt tripping you into providing bed and breakfast and sort out their own lives so you can sort out yours? Good luck and be strong!

Thank you for replying Oboe. I have done my best but its never good enough for them iyswim.
Their father has a good job and his gf is very wealthy. They live quite far away. He moved to her neck of the woods and didnt even tell his daughters. The girls said to me last night that if i had left his abusive arse years ago i wouldnt be in this dilemma. But i did what i thought was best at the time. Its such a mess.

Anybody? I am sitting here in my bed afraid to turn the light off. The loneliness gets too much

I am thinking of you. Its flipping hard being the mother of adults! Take deep breaths. Don't throw the (grown up) babies out with the bathwater. Cherish whatever you believe is good about yourself.

Whatever mind games he's playing, whatever promises he's making to your daughters that he probably won't keep, it will all come out in the wash. Don't try to work out what the future will bring, it will drive you mad! Just live day to day, moment to moment, and say ""We'll see." That's all you can do, and trust me, it helps.

Yes that makes sense mrs. Its just that sometimes i feel as if i have nothing to go on for. I am on anti depressants max dose. Have been to counselling too. I said last night that if ex stops this money i will not be able to afford to keep our dog. I got him for my youngest daughter as when her father left she couldnt be in the house alone. She was sitting important exams in her last year at high school. And my oldest daughter was about to give birth. But now my youngestvis saying that i should never have got him as i shoukd have thought about the future. She is right but i was in a state and also trying to help my daughters. When ex left i had a breakdown and was suicidal and ended up in hospital. He had been treating me very badly. I am so ashamed of this now. I got the dog a year after that but imust admit at that time i still couldnt see too far into the future.

My DD (20 at the time) fell out over our divorce, but we somehow kept the love between us going. He filled her with his side, I refused to explain my reasons for divorce. It was very very painful but I felt it had to be done that way. As she has experienced more of adult life, since that time, our relationship has repaired itself to the one we would have had, if things had been different, iyswim. This has taken several years.

As mine was a cocklodger, and kids were adults, no maintenance came into it. I did fight to keep the house, and although I had to start court proceedings to get mine to negotiate, managed to achieve this in a settlement reached at a meeting arranged by my solicitor, before we had got to First Appt.

So he is making an offer? What would you think is a fair settlement? What does your solicitor advise?

Both the girls really wanted a dog.

*I refused to explain my reasons for divorce, and for claiming more than 50% of the marital assets.

He is very slow at negotiating silvery. I was the one who had to start proceedings as i cant continue to live in this limbo. I am waiting on his pension details coming through. My sol said his sol said it will take about 3 months. He has a forces pension. It is already paying out.

It had previously been agreed that i would get the house. But he has now said to the girls that if i dont negotiate abd take him to court, he will not give me it. Am sick with worry. He can be very nasty.

It sounds very stressful, and your children sound selfish, in the way that only just adults often are.

It sounds like the money isn't going to stop immediately, so take a deep breath. What does your solicitor say? Is it 'reasonable' for the money to stop? Have you actually got a Consent Order? My BIL regularly tried to change his and a judge told him tough luck.

But if he can stop the payment, you have other options! For a start, you have three non paying adults living in your house, and you're working unpaid as a childminder.

In time, could you be well enough to come off ESA and work commercially as a childminder? My sister has EMA and has had quite a bit a training funded to help her back to work when she's ready. Is that an option?

You uni daughter and her sister and husband (if still with you then) can start paying rent when the money from your ex stops. Or they can move out and you can get lodgers who do pay rent. You might live somewhere where Mon-Fri lodgers are common, if you don't like the idea of full time lodgers.

Make sure you talk UK CAB to check you're definitely getting everything you're entitled to in future, if the (spousal maintenance?) stops.

Good luck! And be tough with the kids.

I don't know what to say.. because something very similar has happened to me. It is betrayal and yes I'd say it is abuse. He has turned their heads, they have jumped ship to the more powerful one. He has very probably lied to them - oh so subtly (or maybe not..) - about you. He has seduced them - his life and what he has to offer is very attractive..

I'm afraid I'm still in the immense shock phase but if I could talk to myself at the beginning when it first happened I'd say dust yourself off and RISE UP. Don't be the victim but rise up. Put that light on, get up, stand tall and look them straight in the eye. Get straight. Think kids when they play you up, get firm. Don't appeal to them bcs it makes you look weak - and the last thing you need to be is weak bcs it is weakness they currently despise (bcs they have been seduced by powerful him). I don't mean be harsh or fight but be straight. They can fuck off if they think they can throw you away like garbage bcs they've had a dazzling offer, especially with all you've done for them (as any good mother would). He's behind this, the skunk.

BUT they are adults and there is no excuse for this behaviour. Girl, you're going to need to be strong - fake it till you make it. I mean it. Your life depends on it. They are not your life or your company - yes this has been brutal but build your own life now. It's the order of things that kids fly the nest when the time comes - admittedly, we didn't quite expect it to be as brutal as this, genuinely expected our kids to be generally in our lives to some degree, not take off once they'd got what they wanted. Get a glint in your eye.

Phew, talking to myself there haha (not that it's funny, there is nothing more painful on the planet imo).

As for money, yes, it's the order of things that once the kids go you lose the finances that come with them. BUT you should get spousal maintenance - and, as you are married and he doing very nicely thankfully, you should get a good settlement (tho his partner's income won't come into the equation). Don't be beaten by his threats, he is not greater than the law and he will have to comply - tell your lawyer he is blackmailing and intimidating you.

Be bold, be strong. Our kids are being bullies just like their father. Don't EVER show weakness to a bully, even if you break your heart in private.

You CAN do this! In fact, you must

Why are you making your daughters take sides in the divorce? Why are you telling them about their father's threats? Why are you telling them you'll have to give their dog away? And why did you do that the night before they went to see him? Did you want them to fight your battle for you? Is that why you were so upset when they decided to stay out of it?

the girls said to me last night that if i had left his abusive arse years ago i wouldnt be in this dilemma.

They are right. What did you expect them to say? What were you even saying to them that made them feel the need to say that to you?

Do not involve your children in your divorce. Do not force them to take sides. Do not involve them in your divorce settlement negotiations. Do not use them as an emotional crutch or substitute best friend.

You run the real risk of ruining your relationship with your children if you keep asking them to take responsibility for your problems. I expect they spent a lot of their childhood walking on egg shells around their abusive dad to protect you. How about you let them leave all that behind now? Stop laying it on their shoulders. I hope you haven't said you stayed for their sake.

I wish someone had said that to my mother 30+ years ago. We hardly speak now.

My eldest pays me money every month. It is a small amount and they cant afford to pay any more. There is also a problem with her partners wages as he gets paid cash in hand and there are no wage slips. No wage slips no mortgage. There does not seem an end in sight. I have an auto immune disease and i am in constant pain. My condition will only get worse, not better. I wish i could manage work, it would be good for me. My little grabdaughter who is nearly two sometimes snuggles up in bed with me if i am really not well ( she loves to play on my tablet lying beside gran!)

You do have a lawyer I take it?? If not GET ONE. In fact, his intimidation could come under domestic abuse so get evidence on that if you can (written, texts - don't be obvious about it tho! Crafty crafty) , then you'd qualify for legal aid.

Whatever way, if not you can pay legal fees once you get your settlement.

Get in touch with Women's Aid - call at night if you can 7pm-7am 0808 2000 247.

DO the Freedom Programme (Google it and click 'Find a course' to find a course near you). It is a brilliant course, you will meet many women in a similar position, the information and support is priceless, life-changing xx

Ah, crossed posts - you're right at the beginning of the settlement crap!

Right - you will NOT come out of this with nothing. You simply won't. What he can do is draw it all out and end up in court... at which point you could get more than you would have settled for now!

Refuse to discuss it with your girls. Tell them, it's between you both - and you won't have them dragged into it. Tell them you're keeping it all between solicitors as they know that's fair. "Blame" the solicitors / the law, if you will. Do not justify your negotiations to them. Don't talk to him - go through your solicitors.

I was quoted 3 months for my own pension CETV so that's not necessarily him pissing you about. He can't hide that element of his assets if it's being paid, so that's good news!

Do NOT go for less because you think he'll be less of a shit. A shit will be a shit over £10 or £10,000. He's a shit. So go for what's fair for you. Do not go for less so you can seem "fair" to your daughters. They have NO idea and will in any case be picked at by him - again, over £10 or £10,000.

Stay dignified, don't draw them into it - and refuse to discuss it. Practise saying "it's between your dad and me, I don't want to involve you". If they don't like that, frankly they can fuck off and live rent free at his new place instead.

Read everything Springy said, 10x.

And believe me: even if you come out with less than you should, you are not going to come out with nothing. And you don't have to face him and negotiate. Talk to your solicitor, put forward a fair proposal. If you have to go to mediation and you're scared, you can do it in separate rooms with the mediator going between you. That's standard in abusive situations.

If he wants to "see you in court" then more fool him.

Good post, ketchup.

You have to get the right balance, op. This has the power to change your life - grab it.

No ketchup i told them about the dog after they had been to see him. I was very upset about it. I love my dog too as he would be staying with me. It was said as i was sitting crying and being upset as i didnt know what to do. My daughters know what their father is like. I was saying what do we do if he doesnt give us that money, how will we manage. And that is when my eldest said that to me. It is very hard to keep your feelings hidden when we all live so closely together.

What money does your ex give you and what is it for?

Child maintenance will stop when your youngest reaches 20 (if she is still in education.) Spousal maintenance very unlikely. A clean break is advised these days.

I am sure your solicitor is advising you re the house and division of assets etc.

It's hard (my exh contributes nothing whatsoever) but you need advice on how to support yourself after divorce.

Cross post. Have done the empowerment programme. I have had a lot of advice from womens aid.

Sorry for your trouble and I can hear the pain in your writing. But you are going to have to make some hard decisions if he does cut back on his support. Unless you get a legally enforceable Consent order which sets a rate of spousal maintenance then you are vulnerable.
At present he is subsidising your household, and rightly if you still have a DD in education. But once she has graduated she should be paying her way, and your older DD should be paying a realistic sum too. If they didnt have you they would be in private rental presumably and that would be much more expensive. If they move out you can consider either downsizing or taking in a lodger to help with bills.
These financial matters are hard to sort out when you are upset and in pain but don't confuse your emotional hurt with the realities of bill paying. Get advice from CAB or your solicitor and toughen up!

for you

Ketchup, i am not making my daughters take sides in the divorce. We have always been close and they know the things their father has done. It is hard living in this house with all of us on top of each other. You cant hide anything. Lack of sleep, my grandaughter does not sleep, ill health, physically and mentally, worry and strain of everything. Yes i am probably too open with what i think at times!

What does your sol think you should be entitled to claim? There are advantages to going to court, not least that there is a timetable laid down by the courts for the steps in the process. This focuses people's minds, while still giving a reasonable amount of time to negotiate, since you can agree a settlement at any point along the way. It cost me ~£3K in sol fees, which I paid once settlement was done (this was for the settlement negotiations, not the divorce itself), plus some court fees.

You need to be realistic though - if you talk to them about it, you are going to make them feel like they have to take sides.

Please don't be defensive about that, I'm not suggesting you're manipulative or bad or doing it deliberately - it's just a fact, it's how they'll feel.

Which is why I think you need to take an active decision not to involve them at all. Other friends, for worries about affording the dog, or share it on here.

He's an arsehole, but he's their father, and that's complicated.

I have been doing the best i can. I started taking driving lessons too as he would not let me do them. I have been trying very hard to help my daughters.