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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling so very low. No where to turn.

44 replies

wynkenblinkennod · 12/09/2015 20:51

Have name changed for this.
Marriage ended a couple of years ago as I found out my husband was having an affair. I have health problems, dont work but I look after my little grandaughter so my eldest daughter can work. Her, her partner and my grandaughter have been living with me whilst they were saving to buy their own house. They have been here a year and a half. It has not been great as its a small house and we are cramped. My youngest daughter lives here too. She is at uni. I am also in the process of a divorce.
At the start of this week i saw my solicitor who said my ex is threatening to stop the money he gives me every month if i do not do what he wants in negotiations. I have been so upset since then and i told my daughters. They went mad calling him all the names of the day and said they would have nothing to do with him if he done that. They saw their father last night and its as if he has done nothing wrong! I dont know what he said to them but they seem ok with it. I was crying and they said to me that i always have a drana when they are about to see their dad. I dont! I am just worried sick as the girls come back all secretive when they see him. And with the money worry i am distraught. My eldest said that it wouldnt really affect her since her little one would be starting nursery at the time he would stop the money and she wont need me to help her anymore. And my youngest daughter will be graduating about then too. I feel so betrayed and so worried and used. I cannot talk to the girls because they will scream and shout at me. I dont know what to do. Look forward to a life of poverty and despair? I get £400 a month in ESA and that is it. Not entitled to anything else. I see no way out.
Thank you for reading, tried not to drip feed.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/09/2015 22:41

I was saying what do we do if he doesnt give us that money, how will we manage.

That's the last time you say anything like that, OK? It's not what we are going to do but what you are going to do. You aren't a team (against him), you are the mother. This is between you and him.

No more granny in the bed now OK?

TheSilveryPussycat · 12/09/2015 22:47

My post at 21:40 sounds like I managed to maintain a dignified silence with my DD - I did not! I also told her she was too young to understand! you can imagine how that went down. I managed to modify it to "she had not had enough life experience to understand", which was better, and also true. So I'm in agreement with Cabrihina on this one.

Cabrinha · 12/09/2015 22:48

They're just not the right people to have that discussion with, that support from. Which is a shame, because you're obviously doing a lot for them, and they are adults.

Some women start an ongoing thread on here during their divorce process. You could do that, to share your worries, if you don't have a suitable person in your life?

You're not going to come away with nothing. He knows that - it's why he's bullying you. His solicitor will have told him exactly what you're likely to get. For the first time, he gets to be scared of you. Well - fuck him!

If you don't get as much as you'd like - rent goes up. Two working adults with no childcare costs? I'm sure you're under charging them.

Original poster
wynkenblinkennod · 12/09/2015 22:49

I said that because i know what the impact will be when he stops the money. I have been the only parent and grandparent here. There has been noone else. It is exhausting and relentless. My youngest daughter was in hospital last year too. It has all been too much. I have had no help at all. Their dad just pitches up to see them when it suits him. I have done my best, i have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
wynkenblinkennod · 12/09/2015 22:54

And also my oldest daughter was in for an op this year and so was her partner. I had my little grandaughter all the time. I was so exhausted and ill i was crawling into my bed at night fully clothed sometimes. I have never done that in my life. I just feel desperate tonight.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 12/09/2015 22:57

I know you've done nothing wrong lovey, but please take our word for this, they're just not the right people to cry on the shoulders of with these worries.

They will love their father, in whatever way. It's complicated!

You can't say "oh how will we live?" to them. You can work out exactly what money you'll have if he withdraws the payment, and what you need. And you can say "right, household income is now £400 so I need £30 a week off you youngest - go to student finance - and £30 more from you oldest, so that's a bit less disposable income for you". Presumably they're saving for a house deposit? Tough shit, basically - they can't afford to, if their rent goes up. It's not being unfair to them, it's being realistic. But you need to work all that out calmly, and only tell them if it becomes necessary. What you can't do is cry to them now that he's forcing you into it. They'll know.

Cabrinha · 12/09/2015 22:58

Flowers sorry, I'm probably giving you the tough (but with kindness) talk on a night you're not in a place for it.

springydaffs · 12/09/2015 23:00

Darling, you have to stop being a victim. Yes he is a vile shit, yes you have worked relentlessly and it has been very very hard, yes he swans in without a care in the world, Mr powerful..

So take a leaf from his book. Being good and kind and nice doesn't always mean you get the good stuff. Sometimes you have to take it iyswim - bcs it's your right : to be respected as an adult, as their mother, as a previous spouse. Don't be pleading with them to give it to you. Flowers

TheSilveryPussycat · 12/09/2015 23:01

It sounds like you have had it very hard these past two years - and before that, I assume. And divorce on top.

I have just had a nice cup of milky coffee Brew. Sending you one too Brew (or I have cocoa if you'd prefer)

Cabrinha · 12/09/2015 23:02

How old is your granddaughter?
As both parents are working and it sounds like low income, can they get a hefty amount of nursery fees covered? Don't know how that works now, but 5 years back my friend got about 80% covered by some form of tax credit.

You may need to find your "no"

These operations - if planned ones, that should have staggered them more.

Where are his parents?

Why isn't the child's auntie giving you a break?

springydaffs · 12/09/2015 23:09

Yes, get some rest and regroup.

Let's back off people. You can start afresh tomorrow. Or on Monday Flowers

I'm not pointing fingers here btw. As I said hothead, I've been, going, through this myself xx

springydaffs · 12/09/2015 23:10

Hothead?? Upthread!

Tell us some lovely stuff about your granddaughter...

Original poster
wynkenblinkennod · 12/09/2015 23:12

My little grandaughter is nearly two, and i love her so much even though i find her exhausting! I just wont be able to treat her or buy her nice things which is what grannys like to do! I am so upset about that.
My youngest daughter never helps. She has a part time job and even though she is not at uni right now she is at her boyfriends all the time as she says its not noisy there.
My daughters partners parents had a big fall out with my eldest daughter and they do not bother with their grandaughter.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 12/09/2015 23:16

I have a 6yo. She has absolutely no clue whatsoever who bought her what 4 years ago. She has a great relationship with the people in her life who cuddled her, chatted to her, read to her, kissed her back then, though Grin

Your granddaughter doesn't need "stuff". She just wants you. You know this.

Original poster
wynkenblinkennod · 12/09/2015 23:40

I do know that thank you. But it hurts.
My grandaughter loves blowing bubbles. Has mega tantrums if she diesnt get her own way. Loves Room on the Broom, loves the story of the three little pigs and kills herself laughing when granny does her big bad wolf impression! Loves Paddington bear and smothers him in kisses, loves row row row your boat and empties out her toybox so she can sit in it and row with her sparkly wand. She loves other chikdren so much she runs up to them arms outstretched and cuddkes and kisses them, all the while they are backing off slowly......! She is very affectionate. But sometimes i look at her and i see her grandads eyes and it upsets me. We were together 32 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
wynkenblinkennod · 12/09/2015 23:45

My grandaughter is all the world. She is a little miracle. She is very much loved.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/09/2015 23:50

Phew glad you're focusing more on GOOD things about your granddaughter.

Kids looks change.

You have a lot of things going on at the moment. Try to take them one at a time? Not all together. You'll get overwhelmed if you take it all together. Yes it's all happened together but pace yourself, compartmentalise.

In the meantime, actively ENJOY what you enjoy - to balance out all the shit. Shut the door to negative thoughts that want to add on to lovely things.

Original poster
wynkenblinkennod · 12/09/2015 23:55

Thank you. I am taking on board all your advice. Its been a very tough couple of years. Sometimes it all gets too much.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/09/2015 01:48

Yes it does get too much sometimes Flowers

Fresh day tomorrow. Day at a time Flowers

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