Sleeping with other women's men ---

[Abundatia]

A close friend sleeps with several married men at the moment. The men are not in open marriages. My friend's view is that the mens' marriages are none of her business.

Is she right?

Blimey! Does your sister ever have "normal" relationships with men who aren't married?

She may have a beautiful face but she sounds pretty ugly IMO.

I'll accept that she didn't make the vows, but actively having affairs with several different married men? that doesn't sound like a self assured and happy person if you ask me.

I could be friends with someone who has had an affair, the circumstances are often messy, but a friend who does what your friend does would put me off a person, however lovely they are to me.

I'm not gonna drop her as a friend because everything else about her is so lovely. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't baffled by this behaviour.

I do wonder if an event from her past involving a gang rape is a factor at all.

Sounds like she's got commitment and/or self esteem issues. In some ways, sleeping with married men is the easy option - she doesn't have to have a proper relationship with them, they're unlikely to declare their undying love for her (and even if they did, very few of them will leave so she knows she's safe in that regard), she gets to be the fantasy woman that makes the married man's dull life exciting which is an ego boost, she doesn't have to go through all the stress of normal dating and worrying about whether he likes her or not because she knows there's no chance of a proper relationship. She knows she's in no danger of being the downtrodden woman at home - although she has to be happy to share at least she knows about it and she gets to have illicit sex which is exciting. Not that I'm saying it's right but a lot of people get a kick out of doing things in secret, and sex is no different. I'm sure she tells herself that because she doesn't want these men for real that it's okay but that's not true.

The marriages may be none of her business although I find that hard to believe in practice. She must have had some curiosity about at least one of the wives. She or others may get a kick out of comparing herself to them. I think it's very telling that she's sleeping with several married men. Why are they all married? I'd understand her comment about their marriages being none of her business more if she was sleeping with one, possibly two married men. But several?! That's too many to be a coincidence. I suspect, however much she won't admit it, that she deliberately goes for married men. For instance, how does she know they're all married? Because she must have some conversation about their private lives or like I said, she already knows these men are married and deliberately goes for them because of it.

And that's my psychoanalysis for the evening.

Nowadays everything is on Facebook anyway isn't it. So if you want to see pics of the person's wife I guess you can quite easily.

Fuckin hell, talk about dropping a bomb! OP I'd be surprised if it wasn't a factor! Poor girl.

It was years ago, before I knew her. She has never said that this horrible crime has affected the way she behaves now and she seems very stable.

Okay, I posted before I saw your post about the gang rape. That does make more sense - going with married men means she can keep them at arm's length.

Does sound like very poor self esteem issues - having said that, if she gets pursued by lots of men and she's not really interested in them romantically then she has no reason to sleep with married men, unless she just fancies them and thinks there's no harm in it but that's a very callous attitude.

I wonder if she has some kind of sex addiction, whereby she uses sex to make herself feel better. Knowing that she gets hit on by married men is a big self esteem boost that she can lure committed men away from other women or she just likes illicit sex and the attention, or a combination of the above.

I thought it would be condescending to assume that just because somebody endured a horrific sexual assault that is the reason for their sexual choices years later. Maybe the person simply enjoys lots of sex.

I once watched a program where a psychologist said that women who repeatedly hook up with married men usually do it because their father left for another woman/had an affair. It's an ego boost to be the other woman a married man would betray his wife for as opposed to the scary proposition of getting married to a man who might leave you for another woman and feeling 'abandoned again'. Might be a load of nonsense and wouldn't excuse your friend's actions but might explain why she does it. She's been pouring poison into these men's marriages and can't say she's not responsible for the women getting ill because their husband's promised never to poison them.

I doubt she would admit that the rape has any effect on her behaviour now - if it is (and I would say it probably is a major factor) she may not be consciously aware of it. Or she is aware of it but doesn't want to admit it.

As far as I know her father didn't do any of that stuff. Her parents certainly didn't divorce.

Do you think maybe she just doesn't be leave anyone would like her enough for it to threaten there relationship. Maybe her self esteem is low enough for her to think it is like them having a wank?

I'm a rape survivor too, but very different circumstances (raped as a child, not gang-raped). And I will readily admit that being raped affects the relationship and sex choices I make now as an adult. In my case it's resulted in me being very cautious sexually and some people would probably label me a bit frigid or just very reserved. In my case it is indeed all linked but that doesn't mean it is for everyone.

I'm no psychiatrist but she really is, in my experience, a confident woman and not suffering from low self esteem. It would be interesting to see whether any of these men are feeling any guilt about cheating on their wives!

Could be an act though. Everyone is different- she could just have a high guilt threshold. shrugs

Actually I think thats a huge factor OP, and would have coloured my answer.

Definite self esteem issues, but it explains the possible lack of commitment she is so clearly avoiding.

I don't condone her behaviour at all, but her history probably had a bearing on her actions now.

Perhaps it would make a good article for a magazine.

Maybe a woman who does those things rightly thinks its up to the man to keep his marriage vows, and not her problem. How many men refuse sex when its offered? (I have no statistics for that, and I don't know how honest answers could be achieved - bragging and covering up would affect the outcome). She might just think she's attractive and bringing pleasure to people's lives and her own.

... and the thread title bothers me. 'Other Women's men'? Women take possession of men, do they?

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Plenty of women probably simply think it is up to the man to keep his wedding vows.

Can't see myself doing it for a variety of reasons, from it being against my moral code to not wanting an unavailable man. But then I don't shag anybody due to my issues, so that's a whole other story. We are all flawed.

Having an affair is shitty even if you aren't the married one. He has broken vows, but I believe in trying to avoid hurting other people by my actions - even if I don't know them personally.

That said, I find it odd you didn't mention your friend's history as an obvious influence on all this.

The men are to blame.

But everyone should have some sort of morality. Like I wouldn't fuck or go out in secret with a married man. That's just the wrong thing to do. Even if the married man pursued me. I understand these basic tenets of decency.

Some people do get a thrill from married lovers. Like it proves they are pretty enough or charismatic enough to win someone away from what is supposed to be a binding vow.

There are lots of reasons. But ultimately it involves lies and dishonesty and even if you aren't the married one, you're part of that nasty shit. Enabling it.

I know this isn't he point of the thread, but 'other women's men' bothered me too. They are not other women's, they are their own people - people don't own other people through marriage. But yes, the men made the vows and they are cheating; if she's single, she isn't breaking any vows, obviously that doesn't mean it's great or anything, but technically, yes they are cheating, she isn't.

Except she knows she's contributing to a deception and a betrayal.

Nobody is in isolation. You can't argue you're not married so your actions absolve you from any moral reprehension.

That's a dumb argument.