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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sorry about the topic but is my wife cheating on me

48 replies

Ignatius · 12/09/2015 13:44

O.k. I have no barometer about what a relationship should be like anymore , only what my wife tells me is normal . She tells me everything about our relationship is perfectly normal and I'm paranoid etc etc. So we have been together 22 years. Ten years ago she had an affair , our child was just 2. This completely destroyed me as I knew the person. I forgave her mainly for our child but I still did love her. Since then the relationship is like this and I,m sure it's not right. She won,t kiss me, she won't cuddle , show any affection, is very critical of me , my looks ,clothes , personality, she decides when we will make love and use the term very loosely it is not love as I understand it, she just gets on and pleasures herself, saying she is to old for any cuddles or intimacy, she won't let me touch her, and she won't touch me.. She cannot look me in the eye when she says I love you, she does not sit next to me does not walk next to me, last year I popped over to check her old friends place and her car was on the drive, she said they were still friends and she was just visiting him. I now think it has never stopped. But I have no proof other than the above state of our relationship. Pleas give me some good advice as I feel empty and alone and sometimes hopeless. Our child is now 13 and I worry that the sometimes cold atmosphere in our home will. Affect her view on how normal relationships are. Am I paranoid, do I expect too much, I have just been made to believe that Ido but I just don't know

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 12/09/2015 13:46

Personally, whether she is or not - this is not the relationship for you.

What are your options? Can you easily split and go find some happiness separately?

ivykaty44 · 12/09/2015 13:48

It doesn't matter what is normal. What matters is do you want to live the life you are living? If not get out of this relationship and build a new life for you and your dc

cozietoesie · 12/09/2015 13:56

Have you actually talked to her about your feelings? Perhaps even suggested counselling for you both? You sound so deeply unhappy that I don't see how you can go on just as you currently are. (And as you suggested, the effect on your DD is not likely to be good.)

JeffsanArsehole · 12/09/2015 13:59

Obviously she's completely disconnected from you and refuses to be in an intimate relationship of any sort.

So you leave.

Izzie595 · 12/09/2015 14:01

Sorry but I believe the affair has resumed, at the very least. Her behaviour towards you indicates that she has emotionally checked out. Also, it is never never never acceptable to maintain any relationship with an affair partner. It is an absolute insult to the cheated on spouse. I'm so sorry, I've been there myself, all of that. And I'm sure someone will be along to confirm this, but it's in the cheater's script to accuse the spouse of being paranoid.

Izzie595 · 12/09/2015 14:03

Just re read your OP and see the car episode was a year ago. Thought it was more recent. However, you don't need hard evidence to know when an affair may be going on. It's often their attitude that gives it away. In my situation, in the absence of any other proof, I still KNEW. And I was right

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 14:04

Why does he have to leave, Jeff?

tomatodizzymum · 12/09/2015 14:11

Some people are naturally colder than others, but what did the relationship used to be like? Has she always been this cold or has she become like this? You are clearly not very emotionally compatiable and I don't know if this is something that can be changed! This relationship is not making you happy and I agree you need to talk to her, suggest counselling and/or failing that, leave.

TRexingInAsda · 12/09/2015 14:18

We don't know if she's having an affair, although it seems a reasonable possibility, but that's irrelevant because the relationship sounds so fucking awful that you know it's not right anyway. You say you don't know what's normal anymore - bollocks, all the stuff you listed is stuff that's not normal and you know it. You don't have to stay together. A relationship is supposed to be loving and fulfilling and respectful and enjoyable for both of you, if it's none of those things you're wasting your time. You are right about your child too - they learn what is normal from seeing their parents' relationship; if you two act like this and pretend it's normal, she'll think this is what normal looks like.

JeffsanArsehole · 12/09/2015 14:35

Why not Imperial ?

He doesn't have to stay and put up with no relationship, he can leave and meet someone else/be on his own.

No one this unhappy with such little relationship should have to stay.

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2015 15:28

But why should he be the one to leave the family home when his wife is destroying their relationship? Why shouldn't she be the one who has to go?

Joysmum · 12/09/2015 15:49

Affair or not, that's not what is seen to be a minimum standard of relationship to keep me in it.

I agree with imperial in that if I were in your situation I'd file for divorce but live as separated in the home.

Original poster

Ignatius · 12/09/2015 16:05

Well thanks for these replies, I have tried to talk with her many times and one of three things happens. She tells me to stop being silly and walks off, she gets aggressive and creates a bad atmosphere, or she just looks at me and crys. The reason she gives for lack of intimacy is that she's not a teenager anymore and know one she knows indulges in intimacy. I have put so much into this home I would not want to leave it, it is true when I ask am I expecting too much for a man of 58? Once again thanks for your honest replies I am thinking about all of them at the minute. It's my daughter I worry for most she deserves to be in a loving warm family and I feel guilty that she's not, but really feel powerless. We did try counselling some years back but DW would not commit. It has not always been like this, prior to her affair it was just lovely and I thought perfect,, that's whi I was so shocked at the time. Also she keepa all her devices pass coded. Phone, iPad,kindle is that normal?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 12/09/2015 16:09

You can leave or she can leave but this is awful.

Your child is now old enough to spend as much time with you as she wishes even if you don't live in the same house

You can find happiness in auch better relationship like this....your wife sounds like a cold and faithless piece of work

LovelyFriend · 12/09/2015 16:21

it sounds dreadful. It sounds like she doesn't even like you OP - home does not sound like a happy place for anyone.

Given the situation you describe, does it matter if she is having an affair and you can prove it or not? If she wasn't having an affair the relationship between you still sounds irreparable without positive committed effort from both of you.

JanetBlyton · 12/09/2015 16:26

It does not sound too normal to me to be honest. Why did you both not have another child or two?

Anyway you are where you are. I fyou wait a year or two your daughter will be old enough to decide which parent to be with on a divorce and might choose you so you might be able to stay in the house with the child and your wife leave. Do you both work full time? Might be worth taking some legal advice now just to prepare yourself in case later a divorce does happen.

She might well be having an affair but it cannot be such a good one she wants to be with the other man or she'd have left by now.

Are you at 58 quite a bit older than she is?

ChilliAndMint · 12/09/2015 16:35

OP, you don't have to put up with this kind of abuse.
Can I ask if the OM is married? This might be why she hasn't left you for him.

LovelyFriend · 12/09/2015 16:41

Re passcodes I don't know if it's normal or not.

I keep a code on my phone as a habit to minimise any effects if the phone was stolen. And to keep the young dc from messing with it.

I don't live with a P now but when I did he knew my code. It wasn't there to prevent him access.

Original poster

Ignatius · 12/09/2015 18:38

O.k.so she is 50 and only wanted one child, quite badly I had a vasectomy reversal but i would have liked two or three. The om his wife divorced him, no children. I really don't understand why she has not left me for him. Perhaps like me she feels responsible for our daughter I don't know I hate guessing. She also takes care of all the finances and this is starting to worry me at this age. When ever I think about calling it a day I feel ill so I guess I just keep burying it, but I am getting so so tired of the neglect . I know it affects my health but I would feel much worse not being with my daughter and also the pain it would cause her. I know it must sound like I'm talking in riddles but I am so confused . In some ways I am worried that i I have become attached to the very person who is causing my pain. I think I know what I need to do but fear I do not have the strength. By the way I am 8 years older than DW but you would nt know I,m trim and look after myself, thanks for your comments , the more I have the more I think it will help me, especially from the ladies...ta

OP posts:

Original poster

Ignatius · 13/09/2015 07:41

Hi I would really like more input on this , please someone help me to steer through my confused state thankyou

OP posts:

Aridane · 13/09/2015 08:04

Am crap at advising on this

But maybe ask her about counselling - an outright refusal even to consider may speak volumes about her having irrevocably exited the relationship

However, my sense is that the marriage is already over, her behaviour is making you miserable and 'conditioned' to this frozen absence of intimacy, and you need to build yourself up to asking her to leave

Squeegle · 13/09/2015 08:08

If I were you I would start to make some preparations. Work out your finances, speak to a lawyer, find out what your rights are v the house and your daughter.

It sounds to me as though she is treating you very badly, that's not fair on you, or for your daughter to live in this environment. How is your DW's relationship with her daughter?

Squeegle · 13/09/2015 08:10

Ps I am sorry you are experiencing this, it sounds very hard. Is there anyone you can talk to in RL who can support you?

Casimir · 13/09/2015 08:20

If I were you I would start to make some preparations. Work out your finances, speak to a lawyer, find out what your rights are v the house and your daughter.
The evidence is overwhelmingly pointing to this. In five years you will have a life.

Misnomer · 13/09/2015 08:26

Maybe get some counselling for yourself, if she isn't interested in relationship counselling. You need to be able to put all of this in perspective and realise that the price you are paying to stay in that house and with your daughter is too high. Bear in mind too that your daughter will have been affected by your relationship. It's her norm, which isn't great. My parents had a terrible marriage and I remember by dad taking me to one side when it was all ending and 'breaking it' to me that it was over and I laughed. Why he thought it wasn't entirely obvious was beyond me. It was a relief that they finally ended it. Perhaps your daughter will feel the same.

Either way though you can't live like this. You've put up with it for too long. 58 isn't old. Are you working? Do you have any hobbies or is there anything that you would like to get involved in? Maybe something outside of the home would help build your confidence about a life beyond the confines of your house and marriage.

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