Sorry about the topic but is my wife cheating on me

[Ignatius]

O.k. I have no barometer about what a relationship should be like anymore , only what my wife tells me is normal . She tells me everything about our relationship is perfectly normal and I'm paranoid etc etc. So we have been together 22 years. Ten years ago she had an affair , our child was just 2. This completely destroyed me as I knew the person. I forgave her mainly for our child but I still did love her. Since then the relationship is like this and I,m sure it's not right. She won,t kiss me, she won't cuddle , show any affection, is very critical of me , my looks ,clothes , personality, she decides when we will make love and use the term very loosely it is not love as I understand it, she just gets on and pleasures herself, saying she is to old for any cuddles or intimacy, she won't let me touch her, and she won't touch me.. She cannot look me in the eye when she says I love you, she does not sit next to me does not walk next to me, last year I popped over to check her old friends place and her car was on the drive, she said they were still friends and she was just visiting him. I now think it has never stopped. But I have no proof other than the above state of our relationship. Pleas give me some good advice as I feel empty and alone and sometimes hopeless. Our child is now 13 and I worry that the sometimes cold atmosphere in our home will. Affect her view on how normal relationships are. Am I paranoid, do I expect too much, I have just been made to believe that Ido but I just don't know

Hi,

You deserve so much better than this.

I give you strength to breakaway from this women and find the true happiness and love you deserve.

She's not going to change, she's cold and bringing you down.

I have been cheated on and came away a fraction of myself because of all the lies and mental torment. ( I too was told I was paranoid)

Be good and kind to yourself.

It's time to think of you.

Wishing you all the best.

Our child is now 13 and I worry that the sometimes cold atmosphere in our home will affect her view on how normal relationships are. Am I paranoid, do I expect too much, I have just been made to believe that I do but I just don't know

You do NOT expect too much. A loving, caring relationship does not have to include the all-day-every-day-sex but does include some or all of the following:

• a hug
• a wink across a room
• perhaps hand-holding when walking
• an intimate smile of love
• praise and thanks for daily-life gestures e.g. cooking a meal
• speaking to each other respectfully
• general chatting and sharing stories about the day's events (like friends would do)
• a calm, relaxed atmosphere whilst in the same space (e.g. watching TV, tidying the kitchen)
• working together with fun/support (e.g. decorating a room)

Your daughter will use your relationship as a 'model' for her own life choices.

This relationship isn't working for you and every human being deserves to feel happy and content.

Time to re-think your status quo OP?

I think everyone who is questioning a relationship should read RealityIsMyOnlyValentine thread which MNHQ kindly made into a sticky last year:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

You deserve so much better than this. My advice to you is if you can afford it get a private investigator and get some evidence of the affair. This will make it easier to kick her out and divorce her which you should definitely do! I think when you file for divorce an affair has to have happened within the past 6 months. She's treating you terribly. How you have put up with this for so long I don't know.
You should also see a solicitor. If you could keep your daughter in your family home with you and have joint custody that would be best.
If I were you and was being treated like this I would pack her bags when your daughter is out (could she stay with a friend or family member?). I would leave your key in the door and leave her bags outside. If this were a man doing it to a woman this would be the advice.
Good luck with everything, please stay on the thread for support. Stay strong, you deserve better

It sounds like she doesn't like you very much OP.

What is the point of being in a relationship without affection of any kind?

Yes, this will certainly be affecting your dd as she is growing up thinking this is normal.

It's not.

You can separate and have exactly the same relationship as you have now with your wife, except there will be less criticising because a) you won't be in her presence as much and b) what you wear, etc. will be none of her business.

I agree with the comments you don't deserve this,life is too short. I was in a similar situation the not knowing drive me up the wall it made me paranoid about everything. He left me telling me no there's no one else,it just wasn't working. It almost destroyed me took weeks to realise he wasn't worth my tears. Six months later I found out my suspicions were right he had been cheating on me for three years! Ignatius start making plans for your own future you deserve so much better.

It's a tough dilemma, though, if leaving an unloving partner means possibly losing everyday contact with a child.

Do you have a sense, OP, of what would happen in that respect ?

As a first step I think you need to be looking out for yourself a bit. You say your W manages the money. Is it all in joint accounts? Are you able to see your joint savings? Do you have savings of your own? Is your W squirreling money away in a sole account ? I would do an audit of your finances and savings and check how exposed you are in comparison to her.

Do you both earn?

It may be that she is biding her time until your Dd goes to Uni. It may be that you decide to do the same thing, in which case harden yourself emotionally, stop hoping that she will miraculously re kindle her care for you, and find yourself new interests and friendships.

Fwiw I think she has never ended her connection to this 'friend'. After an affair it takes pro active focus to mend a relationship and all your W seems to have done is make spurious excuses as to why she can barely even look you in the eye . And I don't believe for a moment that she drive round there for a cup
Of tea and a Jaffa cake.

Take control of your life: face up to what is happening and make your own decision as to how to deal with it. At the moment your less than honest, unloving W is calling every shot.

Thankyou everyone of you for taking the time to read and comment.Your views have reinforced what my gut was telling me. it is so hard when faced with the person you love telling you lies and your gut are in conflict. So so hard. I think I has a eureka moment you know . I was watching interstellar late ha on my own again . At Somepoint I decided I would not disadvantage my daughters young life or miss one minute of it for the sake of a weak and very deceitful human being. I will remain there, here for my daughter as long as she needs me and then and only then will I remove myself fully from this emotionally abusive and shallow person. I will do all,I can to hide my pain from ate home and give my daughter the happiness that she deserves. She did not ask to come into this world to be let down by feckless adults. I will. Not put my own needs for affection and love in front of hers. I will how ever seek new friends and consult a lawyer to advise me going forward, I will be prepared, am abetter person than her, and that is so important for me when I get up in the morning . Yes I yearn I yearn lots but I will find happiness and joy elsewhere but i will never leave my daughter. I will get her to adulthood come hell or high water. I will keep posting to let you know if I keep to these valiant outpourings or was it all interstellar. thanks now I just want to weep

Mate. She is still carrying on and it may not be even with him. I had this activity from my second wife and i leave my phone around unlocked so is my PC. I never found her phone to find out if it was locked or not. I've been meaning since our divorce to ask her where she charged the damn thing even;!.

If she won't talk and really talk that is or go to counselling then psych yourself up that it is over sad as it is. Might be a good idea to get onto a solicitor to see where you stand legally too. As well as keep an eye on the family loot that might not be going where it ought.

I think it would be best for your wife to leave. Speaking from experience it will damage your daughter more to see a relationship like this. You can still co parent but live apart. Plenty of people do successfully.

Definitely get in control of the finances and see a lawyer. Get prepared now.

Ignatius bless you for putting your daughters feeling before your own,your comments gave me a lump in my throat. It may be a lonely life for you if you stay,as said before you deserve much better.if you do stay dont stay home get out and about have some sort of a social life you will feel so much better interacting with people not all of us are shallow and selfish I wish you all the best.

Unfortunately staying together may be doing more damage to your daughter than you realise. She learns what an adults relationship looks like by observing those around her. She may well grow up to be cold and emotionally distant, like her mother. She may learn to quosh her own needs to please others, like her father. She will almost certainly think she has to hide her emotions and put on a 'fake' face, like both her parents.

Also, waiting until uni might be a worse time for her if you split. If she moves away from home, everything will be different and the only familiar, stable base she will have will be home, at least at the beginning. It could affect her studies at a crucial time if she becomes distressed at your separation. Especially if it comes to light that her mother has been having an affair for years and everone lied/hid it from her (which is how she will see it, however well intentioned you are).

Better to deal with it sooner rather than later. You need legal and financial advice. Would you be in a position to apply to be the resident parent, or 50/50 custody? Your dd can have a much happier life with two parents who, although separated, are able to be happy and fulfilled in their own lives.

Just a note about the daughter - I grew up in a house where one of my parents had an affair and their relationship was very much as you describe it. It was horrible living in a house where my parents obviously didn't love each other and I used to wish they'd get a divorce. It was a lonely house, a sad house and there was never any happiness in it.

I was diagnosed with depression at 16 and it took me 10 years to shift it - I think so much of it came from living in an ice box of a house when I was a teen.

You really mustn't burden your daughter with any thoughts about the intricacies - or intimacies - of your relationship but see how she feels about how things are. You may be surprised. In my case if someone had asked me then I'd have told them that I wish they'd divorce so my parents could both be happy - as they are now. Obviously I don't know her and how she'll cope but if you can make sure she is surrounded by caring family / grandparents ( my nan was amazing) / other friends and other friends' parents (who can provide good impartial listening posts - just don't resent other people if she needs to talk to them) then she will most likely be OK and will probably, in the future, look back and be glad you took action.

yeah she's cheating on you.
can you get concrete proof?

i don't think the relationship can be salvaged.
therefore, i would change the locks on the doors and put her belongings outside.
then get a solicitor and serve her divorce papers.

OP would you consider being the resident parent and getting your wife to leave? Get some decent legal advice.

I think my post crossed with Fairenuff's. What he/ she said, 100%! My parents eventually divorced the term I went to uni. I went away - and home was gone. It was awful. Split NOW, while she has the chance to build a new home. (It was my mum who had the affair BTW and it has taken years and years for me to trust her again).

All agreed with all above,. My first girlfriend had a lot of issues all to do with her parents relationship and she had for years wished they'd have divorced. Its an awful thing to have to do and go through but most times its for the long term best.

She told me that the silences at dinner were the worst, she wanted to tell and discuss what she'd done at school that day etc but was too frightened.
to speak even.

Although my parents marriage was less than perfect my dad sometimes walloped my mum but my mum walloped him back even harder she had a real old temper and was a superb plate thrower;!they oddly enough loved each other underneath it all and were together quite happily for some 50 years;!.

But at least they were near normal and talking was encouraged and me and brothers and sisters were loved all the same:)

It's time to regain some control over your life now. You begin by sorting out your finances. Perhaps open the dialogue by saying that you want to make sure you will have adequate funds for your retirement (as a guise) and then start to understand and take control of your own finances.
Your DW is of an age when sex drive/intimacy quite often dries up/ceases and she may well not be having an affair however, she is still seeing this other man and as she had an affair with him it is unacceptable to continue to see him.
I suggest you start concentrating more on your own life. Start going out more, start a new hobby, do more with your DD. Start finding some happiness for yourself. I have no idea what is going on in her head. Perhaps she loves you but is not in love with you. It sounds like communication has totally broken down between you both. Personally, I really can't see how things are going to change unless you are both willing to work towards this. Perhaps she has settled for the rut you are both in. She may well be going through the menopause too now which is a very difficult time for many women and this maybe contributing to her detachment.
Suggest some days/evenings out together, as a couple and as a family and see if things can develop and closeness can re establish itself. If she doesn't agree to this then you really need to emotionally start detaching yourself from a woman who really just isn't that in to you.

Ignatius made his decision to stay and 'hide' the poor family dynamics from his daughter on Mon 14-Sep-15 00:24:11

I think we should respect that.

Sadwidow28 made an earlier post, not the one just above. It was excellent.

A pp said that at op's wife's age intimacy dries up....nonsense. I am 66 and DH and I are very much still active. It depends on the relationship.

I wonder how op is doing ?

Hey, op is me right ha, I am o.k. Thankyou, well it's kinda tough. I don,t have to put on an act when my daughter is around as I so genuinly love being with her so there is no pretence there. The hard bit is the yearning for hugs , cuddles , companionship, DW can,t hold eye contact with me and is always in a rush when I,m around, so I guess I know, she's also unavailable quite a lot you know answerphone etc etc, never texts me, so I guess I know, it's like watching a movie, but I,m actually in it, quite amazing really to stand back and watch and listen to someone telling you lies. One day at a time. Take care everyone.

Have you looked into the finances yet? Even if you are sticking around, you really should know where you stand legally and financially.

Well I have and it did create some tension, why do you want to look at our finances all,of a sudden etc etc. There were things that I did not know about but I don't think unusual £1,000 credit card bill . I could not find anything amiss . Really all our money is tied up in the house. But for the first time ever I now have passwords etc to our savings account and her credit card , she did not want to give it to me though but I pressed her on what's the issue and she relented. I also saw her unlock her phone with the password as she was next to me in the car, she knew that I had seen it. That night I took the phone from the bag and tried it, and yes she had changed the passcode I did feel quite numb at that point well sick if u know what I mean . I don't know why people just don't think through the repercussions on others when they play these horrible horrible games for what?.

Just checking in to see if you are okay Ignatius

Yes OP is you - Original Poster / Opening Post

You have made some great progress regarding understanding your finances. Well done!