Please tell me I'm not going mad

[wherehaveigonewrong]

DP and I have had a rocky week. Tonight we went out, and when we got home to his, he asked me if I was staying. (I'd told him earlier I wasn't feeling very sexy and would go home tonight). I said I'd like to stay but wasn;t up for sex as I was still feeling a bit unhappy about our row. he got cross and said ok then go home, if you won't have sex then just go home.

I started home but on the way I thought I must have misunderstood him so I called him and said I'd really like to stay and just be loving and cuddly. He said "are we going to have sex" I said I dont know but can't we just see how we go and just love each other? he said if you won't have sex just go home.

I'm not wrong am I? This is really bad isnt it?

Please don't be hard on me.

This is bad. This is one of those red flags that you can either ignore (at your peril), or heed.

Get out, move on, and feel better about yourself.

He is horrible, and gives every impression of not liking you very much. Sticking around for more of the same will have you feeling worse and worse about yourself.

Wow he is BU. If that's all he wants i couldn't put up with it.
I would tell him that it's not acceptable and that your relationship is more than just sex.
Give him chance to explain/apologise if it's the first time he has done this.
If it's a regular thing can you live your life knowing that if you say no then he doesn't want you around??

Thank you all for replying. I just feel sick and sad but I know you are all right. :( Ive not been perfect I know but I dont think I deserve the way hes treating me. Someone said maybe hes come to the end but is just keeping it going for sex, I'm afraid of that. I just want to sleep then wake up and look forward to the day, not this horrible churning feeling all the time. How did it all get so bad? I loved him, we were going to be happy together forever. I'm old enough to know better too, not young any more.

5 Years? Road to nowhere. Sorry OP. You must either be very young or have low expectations.
Are you a " ditherer"?

Wherehave - if you think it's just trickling on and he's using you for sex, then bite the bullet and end it now. You'll feel better if you take charge at this point, don't wait for him to end it.
There are worse things than being on your own, and being lonely in a relationship is definitely one of them.

5 years is a long time. Why don't you live together?

Because he asked me to in the beginning but its never happened. And every time I mentioned it he started a row. I know.

I am VERY pleased that you don't live with him.

How old are you both ? Are there any children?

Where, Thumb is right. Don't let things drag on. One way or the other, I think you're stagnating in the relationship and staying because you're just used to being with him.

I think something that so easy to ignore is how unhappy we can be deep inside in a relationship whilst being superficially happy. We take the moments of superficial happiness (a good evening together, a nice day out) and convince ourselves that we are 100% happy when deep inside we know the truth.

You really and truly do deserve better than this, Where.

It's not normal in a halfway decent relationship, nevermind a good one.

You had said to him you did not want to stay, you said you would go home "I wasn't feeling very sexy...and will go home." Now, if you want someone to respect your word, you must be clear that what you say, is what you mean!

So, the message he may have received is this:

You are not forgiving or moving on from the row. You want to go home because you don't want sex with him.

Unless there is a whole history of him only wanting your company when you guarantee sex, it might be worth talking about it. Along with whatever other issues you seem to have.

As regards the moving in, if he doesn't want that, then little point mentioning it and causing rows. Even if he conceded and said "oh heck yep, move in" how would you feel? I would hate to think I was bending someone to my will, I'd hate someone to act only to placate me!

See, in this situation I would be leaping in to be the dumper. I would want to wrest back some control and maintain my dignity, rather than limping along, waiting for someone who's being an arsehole to dump me.

Just no.

LTB

Exactly what the Dowager says. Don't let him dump you. Get in there and tell him he's not good enough for you.

Five years and he treats you like that! What a prince.

He sounds like he's trying to push you into breaking things off with him so he doesn't have to. I'd cut your losses and tell him what a prick he is being.

tell. him. to. fuck. off. right. off!

I don't understand this mentality of not wanting to be the dumper...

Sure, if you're with someone who's ill, or otherwise in a genuinely bad way. But, otherwise? I really don't get it.

TheDowagerCuntess Me either. My ex was insistent on it though

Sex is nice but IMHO a cuddle / hug is K when OP is not feeling well

Who is really important in this relationship?

What minx said above. I thought he might be feeling I don't want him so I said id go to his tonight, I hope that works. He was here earlier but he went home to watch tv so I'll go over there in a bit. He said that would be nice. Perhaps its me and im not loving enough? I really dont want to dump him, apart from the 5 years he can be lovely and I know how hard it is being alone. I have anxiety and depression so I feel like I need someone to love me sometimes :)

I can't begin to imagine my DP ever saying that to me. I can remember, however, several past relationships where I've been unfortunate enough to encounter similar scenarios. PAST relationships.

Be nice to yourself, and move on. Even if it means being on your own for a while - you'll be much better off. He doesn't actually like you very much, otherwise he would never speak to you in that way and if it had been in the heat of the moment, HE would have called YOU back and said sorry.

OP, you're not there for his convenience. You are worth more than that and I'd be testing him now and refusing him tonight too. His reaction will tell you absolutely everything you need to know.

I have anxiety and depression so I feel like I need someone to love me sometimes

But he's not doing that. And surely this sort of behaviour contributes to your anxiety and depression. :(

TheDowager it's so they can play the "poor me" card, to themselves and others. I had an ex who did it and I've read about plenty more. They act like utter cunts, then you eventually have enough and break it off so they feel justified in slagging you off to anyone who will listen. "Bitch dumped me after five years... She didn't even want to move in with me, I bet she was just out for what she could get.. I'm heartbroken..". If they say it enough times they start believing it's true.

OP you haven't done anything wrong here. He's a dick, you absolutely should not have stayed just for sex, even if he was going to be nice to you. He can fuck off. Hope you're OK.