people in your life who are 'unavailable'

[stareatthetvscreen]

or 'busy'......

we all have them right? i'm not one of them i will make time for any of my friends, whatever i am doing but then i find it easy to do so.

is it always just that 'they are not that into you?' i'm trying to get my head round it and i just can't :)

any thoughts most welcome

Yes, they are not that into you. If friends don't make the effort for you, don't make the effort for them - you know where you stand.

My apparent 'bestfriend' I haven't seen since June, and she lives 10 mins down the road!
My first baby is due in 12 days, and she really hasn't bothered at all.

It wouldn't bother me half as much if she didn't make up the most ridiculous excuses as to why she hasn't been in contact!

I'm going through 3 months of being run off my feet and trying to keep my head above water.

I've got 2 exams to fit in, 2 important important birthdays and school hols. Then a buy to let to completely redecorate myself and change carpets etc then find tenants and vet and get them in before Christmas. Oh and my own house is having a load of rebuilding work done.

I'm one of those who tend to be the one that help and be leant on, but friends and family know that sporadically I can't and I'm the one who need people to think and help me.

Luckily, because I'm a giving person most of the time, people know and understand if I'm distant it's for good reason.

bitta - i pretty much make the effort - as its not really much of an effort tbh - for everyone.maybe i am too friendly?

laura -thats the kind of thing i mean - exactly that! its sooo annoying.i just don't understand why people do it.

joy - perfectly understandable under yr circs.

I'd assume they have have something going on in their lives that is more important, to be honest. People are busy, they have demanding jobs, illnesses, worries over fertility/family/jobs etc... They can't always make time to catch up, or chat, or visit. I'm not central to their lives, so I understand.

I've a friend who went silent just after I told her I was pregnant. I assumed there was an issue there but I didn't want to pry. When we finally did catch up it turned out she was having all sorts of fertility issues and had found it all very painful.

yh but skipton i mean like forever......years

is there a personality type? if its just dislike then i should leave them be i guess but they kind of sound enthusiastic

gah

I have a lovely friend who is funny and kind and clever but unreliable. She will plan an evening out or accept an invite and then either cancel with little warning or fail to turn up. At first I thought she was anxious about social situations but gradually I realised she is just a flake, and doesn't cope with commitment. She hasn't had a close relationship for fifteen years and chases unobtainable men. She went for a few counselling sessions a year or so back and says she understands her issues but she hasn't changed.
Our group of friends discussed her behaviour as some of us were quite hurt and took it personally but we have concluded it is her problem and is stopping her achieving a close relationship. She is Miss Unavailable I suppose. I have settled for whatever she can manage as a friend but I no longer rely on her. It is a shame and I am sad but even when I have discussed it with her she accepts her failings but does nothing to change.

thats it cliff - so it seems like it can be a personality thing

Some people are addicted to busy-ness as a way of escaping dealing with feelings and so on.

ok.that kind of fits in one scenario.thanks abundatia.

Like the people who spend so much time on Facebook they don't get around to, ya know, talking to people.

I think a pp mentioned this, but when you have friends who get married and have children, it is not their intention, but the commitments they've made bring them a whole other set of responsibilities that they didn't previously have. Their husband or wife's problems become their problems, their children's every moment becomes their main priority. If a friend goes from footloose and fancy free, to solidly committed with children, it can seem like a huge change for the one who is still footloose and fancy-free, even though their friend's affection for them remains the same.

I think sometimes people are genuinely busy. My job is very pressured at times and I have to work all hours. Luckily my friends are understanding and we catch up when things are less busy.

This is such an appropriate thread for me right now. I am self-employed and have a huge job to hand in on Sunday night, while at the same time I have a friend taking chemotherapy who needs some company. It is so stressful and I feel like the worst friend in the world, but I just can't go to see her until I finish this job.

Apart from that, sometimes we just do have to face things on our own.

My dh has aspergers and I'm pretty sure I have it too. We really love our parents and siblings etc and the few friends we have but will make very little effort to see them. We only do what we can handle. I'm sure they think we don't care sometimes but I'm not putting undue stress on myself to look normal for anyone.

I struggle with having enough headspace for my own stuff and am appalling at managing my time so am probably what you would consider flaky.

I'm also far choosier about how I spend my time and who I spend it with and feel less obligated to go to things.

I think it's fundamentally wrong to expect people to offer up their time/effort for you. If they want to give it then great, but I just don't think it can be expected b

It does depend on personality type. I'm not terribly sociable, quite introverted and I would get very stressed at someone constantly needing to see me every week or two (exceptions made for husband and kids, obviously.)

The friend I mentioned before? We see each other about once a year if that. But that's ok. We are both busy, ping back a few texts back and forth and when we do meet up its great. It's a very non- needy friendship.

People are very busy, they have very little free time, especially if you are like us, living in a different country. It can feel like you're obligated to spend all your free time hosting people and that's not much fun...

I think when friends say "They're busy", it's another way of saying, "You're quite unimportant as a friend, I can't be bothered".

If someone really cares about someone, being a friend or a family member, they'll always make some time to meet up, to write an email, to make a phone call, to write a text.

I used to believe those kind of people were soooo busy but after having kids and working and being "really busy myself", I now realise that you can always make time for people if you really care.

I don't buy the busy line anymore. If someone doesn't make an effort and keep telling me they're busy, I translate that as I can't be arsed to be keep the friendship going. Therefore, those people are dropped from friends to acquaintances, and I don't make the effort anymore either. I've wasted years of my life waiting for the busy ones to stop being busy, and things just went downhill from then on.

I completely agree, Autumn

Totally agree with Autumn.
Most people can find the time , but they can't be bothered.

thanks for all the replies - food for thought

autumn leaves - i think i agree with you.i don't buy it.makes me sad though.

I have a friend that cuts off her phone and disappears for months on end and moves house (rented accommodation) then just turns up like nothing has happened and is normal again. She has been my friend over 8 years but I always feel like she wants every body to chase her all the time. Bloody exhausting.

If they can't find time for you on a regular basis then they don't much care about you.

By that I mean if they constantly letting you down or not getting in touch

yh i think that is the case badders.