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Original poster

Not sure if I want to resist him

29 replies

headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 16:53

Hello...I've namechanged for this although I've never been a regular contributor, more like an extremely regular lurker...
I'm in a situation and I was hoping for opinions...I found a flirty chat on my guys phone with a woman he knew years ago...there was a short chat and then nothing more. I found it about 2 weeks after he sent it...that was 6 weeks ago. I told him it was over, not a chance I'd forgive him etc. He stayed away for 3 weeks but has been texting me since trying to reconcile. I've been missing him like mad and he's obviously furious at himself, full of declarations of love and apologies.
Question is why do people grovel and beg forgiveness after being caught out? Surely if they were messaging other people they feel something is amiss in their own relationship so would be quite happy for it to end and allow them to move on?
We've no kids together, we've been seeing eachother for over a year but not living together....very easy for him to cut loose if he wanted...why do you think he wants to reconcile?

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 10/09/2015 16:59

Because if you let him back he knows he can treat you how he likes. He can still have you for a girlfriend and the perks that come with it, whilst chatting up other people and cheating on you if someone he fancies comes along. Best of both worlds!

Original poster
headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 17:02

Yeah...I see that. Just find it amazing that someone would put in that much effort and grovelling if they're not being sincere...

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 10/09/2015 17:05

He just regrets that you found out and wants you back as a gf, prefers you to the other person (or they're not available). Words are easy.

Jan45 · 10/09/2015 17:05

Only you know if he's worth one more chance, when exactly did he send the message, how long were you together, was that it or did they meet up?

He's done bad yes but sounds like he's trying to win you back, nothing wrong with that, doesn't mean he's going to treat you like shit imo, esp when you binned him as soon as you found out.

It really depends on the content of the message and the story behind it.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 10/09/2015 17:05

He might sincerely want you back! Doesn't mean he wouldn't do it again.
And if he left it for three weeks he may have be seeing what his options ere but decided the grass wasn't greener.

Patchworkpatty · 10/09/2015 17:07

Because a flirty chat makes people feel good. Lots of people flirt. The problem arises when the flirt changes into action and the flirt acts upon their indulgences. My dh is a horrendous flirt, as is my best friend. I love watching them in action. It makes me laugh. Strangely, they never flirt with each other ! If he ever followed through on any of these games he wouldn't be seen for dust. I guess the answer to your question is, because he didn't think it was such a serious issue. He didn't cheat, just conversation. I expect as you say, he was a free agent to sleep with this girl, however chose not to because he was with you. I think you have been a bit harsh. But otoh you have the right to end a relationship for whatever reason you fancy, it's a free country.

Duckdeamon · 10/09/2015 17:08

Cheating doesn't only happen when people are unhappy in their relationship: some people just cheat!

Original poster
headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 17:14

Thanks ladies...I'm on my phone so forgive me for not using your names...she was a woman he was with 3 years ago, they went on a few dates but (according to him) haven't been in touch since...he says he was flipping through fb one evening after a few drinks, saw her profile and sent her a message saying hi sexy, how are you these days? She replied she was on hols and sent a photo of herself! He commented "niiice"...that was it....I saw read though, totally freaked out...he did contact me in the few days directly after but I never replied.

OP posts:
Original poster
headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 17:15

I saw red not read!

OP posts:
Original poster
headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 17:18

I think the "once a cheat always a cheat" saying might be what's worrying me...if I take him back its telling him I'm a walkover and won't hesitate to do it again should the opportunity arise...

OP posts:
patterkiller · 10/09/2015 17:21

Honestly I would say if that was a first offence I would give him a second chance. But if you don't trust him now the relationship won't be worth zip.

Jan45 · 10/09/2015 17:24

So he never met anyone, it was one, two messages - I'd go ballistic too but only you know if he's worth another chance, he's not actually been unfaithful but he has crossed a line, you actually sound like you are not that fussed about him anyway so move on.

It's actually nice to read a story of a female who actually takes no shit from a man, not like most of the posts on here!

Original poster
headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 17:29

Yeah...the trust has been seriously damaged from my end...I know it probably sounds a bit dramatic of me but I genuinely thought he wasn't the type...when we first met it was quite casual for me...I wasn't looking for anything serious but I fell hard in the end...pretty devastated about it ending and guess I'm just grasping at anything at this point...he's very contrite in fairness to him, even went to church last week to try and gather his thoughts! Lol...keeps telling me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and it was nothing more than over friendly drunk messaging! Just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Jan45 · 10/09/2015 17:32

Well if you don't know what to do, do nothing, sounds like he will wait for you anyway!

Original poster
headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 17:32

He says he hasn't met anyone and has no interest either...we live quite a distance apart though and trust is so important to me...I can't stand turning into that girl who sits around wondering who he's out with etc.
But I'm mad about him and miss him

OP posts:
Original poster
headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 17:34

Good point Jan. Maybe I'll tell him I need time to think. The texting has been pretty intense these past 2 weeks.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/09/2015 17:37

OK, well if he'd said "Hi Jane, how're things?" that would be completely different, but he said Hi sexy..." That, to me, shows there's still an attraction and that he's showing his availability. Sounds sleazy, too, IMO.

Original poster
headiswrecked · 10/09/2015 17:39

Oh yeah I totally agree there's a huge difference! Doubt very much I'd have batted an eyelid if he'd just said hey how are you in the message...it was the tone, felt like a punch in the stomach when I read it

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 11/09/2015 10:30

That kind of message would be a little sleazy if he were single. As it was he wasn't single and it was very disrespectful to you and suggests that he wanted to keep Jane on the back-burner.

Duckdeamon · 11/09/2015 10:37

You say he lives far away. Say everything was going swimmingly and you wanted to live together or get married, where would you both live?

I ask because if you might in future consider making any major changes for him (eg job, relocating away from friends or family) this would be a big deal and require trust and high hopes he's a good bet! Also given that this has happened might not be worth wasting your time if the future seemed complicated anyway.

After a year with the distance etc You might not actually know him that well.

I would stop texting him for a bit.

fairyfeatures · 11/09/2015 10:41

Seriously, the ''once a cheat, always a cheat'' does not apply to every man. People do learn from their mistakes.

If you realy do want to give him a second chance, it's all on your terms to start with, you go in with your eyes wide OPEN and he works for it. This cant last forever as you need to go back to equal balance in a relationship but you make sure he knows you are deadly serious. And if you do this, you need to draw a line under it and move on. If you're the type of person to bring this up in arguments in the future, I don't think it will work.

Micah · 11/09/2015 10:55

See that wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Dh is a builder and very much has building site humour. I do try and rein him in on any sexist crap but when you've been around it every day for 25 years "hi sexy" is just what you say as a greeting.

Some people refer to their children as "sexy" in the area I grew up. It's a colloquialism (much as I dislike it).

Two texts, asking how she was. If it had been whole coversations or meeting up, I might have had words.

Did you trust him before you found the messages?

LadyBlaBlah · 11/09/2015 11:03

I take note of the saying:

'How you do anything is how you do everything'

Take note of the small behaviours, they will absolutely predict larger behaviours.

"scrolling through fb....and sent a message to a potential shag'

I'd rather move on and not take the riskk. You've no kids and you could have someone who doesn't raise alarms like this.

RealityCheque · 11/09/2015 11:48

I'm with Micah on this. He hasn't cheated - just two innocuous messages. Blown out of all proportion.

You shouldnt take him back as you two are clearly not suited. He doesn't deserve to have to change to fit in with your view of acceptable behaviour which is what will happen in the short term. Until he resents you for it.

pocketsaviour · 11/09/2015 12:29

How you do anything is how you do everything

So how I do the washing up - full of seething resentment that I don't have a dishwasher, "that'll do" attitude and water going everywhere, is the same way I prepare my analyses at work? Or parent my son? Or drive my car? Hmm

OP I wouldn't have had a problem with the message on FB, but what I would have a problem with is being bombarded with texts after telling him to do one. That to me would say he doesn't respect my boundaries and he thinks his feelings are more important than mine.

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