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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is this a red flag?

43 replies

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 10:01

I gave up alcohol completely about 8 months ago. It's one of the best choices I've ever made -- I feel fantastic physically and much stronger mentally as well. The guy I am dating initially asked me about alcohol and when I said I don't drink he didn't make a big deal of it. But lately he keeps on and on trying to coax me into having a drink. He keeps asking me what wines and cocktails I used to drink. He actually said, "well let's hope we can get you drinking again soon."

I'd already explained to him that I don't like alcohol and don't miss it. His comments really bothered me when he said it and has been playing on my mind.

Also, this guy is ALWAYS in a mad rush. The stress is so palpable you can almost taste it and he's constantly discreetly looking at his watch. Every date is something he's sandwiched in in between rushing to his next meeting or dashing off for family commitments. Other than that he is a great person. But I'm starting to feel really tired of this constant stress.

His job requires him to work insanely long hours. But on top of that he is dealing with a father who has inoperable cancer who lives about 150 miles away and who he spends most of his free time visiting. In addition he has a 3 year old daughter who lives with her mother 1000s of miles away (in another country) and he spends one weekend out of four visiting his daughter.

I'm starting to feel like he's not worth the constant stress. It almost feels like an illicit affair despite the fact he's single and technically available.

Also every time we go out on a date he disappears to the toilet for a full 20 minutes and then returns to the table with no explanation.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Mabelface · 10/09/2015 10:04

Bin him. Sounds far too much like hard work.

Lottapianos · 10/09/2015 10:09

Yes, his discomfort with you not drinking is a big red flag. His watch-checking and disappearing for 20 minutes are both bizarre.

I agree with Madlizzy - far too much hard work.

Well done for giving up drinking by the way. If you feel its getting you down or getting in the way, then life is so much better without it. People who are uncomfortable with you not drinking have their own massive issues with alcohol, believe me.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2015 10:12

You are not compatible.

You can keep trying to make this work, but 'square peg, round hole' comes to mind.

Original poster

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 10:17

Thanks for your message! Yes I'm getting the impression he has issues with alcohol

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 10:18

He could well self medicate with alcohol to deal with his stress of his job, father and travelling to his DD. He cant imagine anyone being able to cope with out it and so needs you to drink to justify his own drinking.

Been there done that.

Whether his drinking is an addiction, none of us can know, but he clearly has an issue with the fact that you dont and I do wonder if its because you make him feel uncomfortable by making him question his own drinking. If you do it too then it must be normal, but if you dont then it calls into question why he has to drink to cope.

Throw this one back.

pocketsaviour · 10/09/2015 10:21

20 mins in the toilet would make me think he was rolling and smoking a joint.

His attitude to you being alcohol-free definitely make him sound like he's got drinking issues of his own.

Jackie0 · 10/09/2015 10:26

20 mins in the loo?
I'd say ' what were you doing?'
He wants you to drink because he wants to drink , he isn't putting your wishes or welfare first, his comfort is the most important thing , sounds like a bit of a dick.

Joysmum · 10/09/2015 10:29

If you've been clear it's important to you that you remain alcohol free then it's a red glad. If he doesn't understand the importance and just would like to share that with you without realising then it isn't.

If you've not been clear then don't drop hints or just talk about the positives as he'll not understand why the occasional glass would hurt (I've experienced this in my dieting). Also, as others have said before, be aware of him and his potential issues just in case there's something there.

If you've been clear then ditch.

Original poster

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 11:04

What I've said to him is that I LOVE being alcohol free and I feel better than I ever have, don't miss it and definitely don't want to drink again. His response to that was just to obsessively try to get me to drink alcohol.

When he returns from these 20 minute trips to the bog he has a really shifty look in his eyes.

There's something about him that just seems....untrustworthy....

OP posts:

Original poster

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 11:10

He also looked appalled and disappointed when he found out I don't eat pork. He was trying to get me to eat a scotch egg. But honestly, how does eating pork or not eating pork really impact one's life?

OP posts:

LadyBlaBlah · 10/09/2015 11:13

He's not worth it

Coolforthesummer · 10/09/2015 11:15

I felt stressed just reading your op. I wouldn't bother myself.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/09/2015 11:17

20 mins? I'd be thinking 'cocaine' (he's always in a mad rush!)

Trying to get you to do all the things you don't want to - red flag??? Yes indeed, they are flying and waving at you. Take note.

This knobhead is really not worth it.

pallasathena · 10/09/2015 11:17

He sees the alcohol/pork thing as a challenge. Once he's 'converted,' you he's won!

Sad bugger.

Shifty eyes means he's either sniffing something in the loo or messaging other women most likely. And his constant clock watching speaks of stress, agitation and inability to be in the present. He sounds like hard work. Why are you with someone like this?

LovelyFriend · 10/09/2015 11:23

sounds like cocaine though that doesn't necessarily take long - unless he is waiting for a stall etc.
You'd smell if he had been smoking a joint wouldn't you?

AskingForAPal · 10/09/2015 11:34

Trying obsessively to get someone to break through their boundaries about what they do to their bodies - whether that's not drinking or being vegetarian or not wanting a tattoo etc etc - is a horrible sign to me. it probably doesn't actually matter what it is that you've decided you'll avoid, he just wants to see whether he can push you into changing your mind. And then once he's persuaded you to eat pork or drink alcohol, he'll try to get you to do something else you're uncomfortable with, then something else. It's creepy IMO and shows a lack of respect for you as an independent person who makes her own decisions.

Original poster

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 11:59

I thought maybe he had bowel issues and was literally shitting himself. Who knows? I'm sick of him ??

Let him stuff his scotch eggs up his arse

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Original poster

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 11:59

So true. shudder

OP posts:

MommysNotTalkingToday · 10/09/2015 12:05

He's trying to make you change for him.
Find someone who loves you as you are.

MollyCarpenter · 10/09/2015 12:37

He sounds exactly like my friend's ex. He was a heavy cocaine user and every night out he'd disappear for a bit and come back shifty and twitchy.
He used to try and talk her into drug taking and dodgy sex rather than pork and alcohol but the boundary pushing is the same.

Definitely dump him.

Jan45 · 10/09/2015 16:06

You sure he's not married or in a relationship, even if not, he doesn't sound like he's for you.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 10/09/2015 16:11

Not to be cynical but are you sure that the cancer-ridden father isn't in fact another woman/family?

Original poster

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 16:23

He's in the public eye to some extent, though not a celebrity. It might be quite hard for him to keep a double life or secret relationship hidden. His whereabouts and so on are always on Twitter. But really, who knows? There is something so very shifty about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Abundatia · 10/09/2015 16:23

It's possible he is making that stuff up about his father but that would be seriously sick behaviour wouldn't it???

OP posts:

pallasathena · 10/09/2015 16:35

Ah,'In the public eye to some extent,' is that because he's genuinely good at something or is it because he's one of life's 'wannabe's'?

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