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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is husband cheating?

45 replies

janaus · 10/09/2015 05:58

My Gut instint tells me my husband is cheating.
I noticed on his phone bill, 2 times FaceTime has been used. He knows absolutely nothing about using internet, facetime, etc. So I was very surprised.
I decided to look back at this number, and I see phone calls to this number at 5.30 in the morning, then times during the day, sometimes 4 times a day, and of an evening before I get home. And on weekends, times he is not home. These calls started last December, and this July, calls and text messages were flat out. There have been over 50 phone calls during this time to this number, plus SMS, and sending photo I think,
Ok, yes, to try to save my marriage, I am checking his phone.
I saw this number was listed to someone called Lyn. Dumbass also had an address to this contact. Just around the corner from home.

After questioning him about all these phone calls and texts, the name Lyn has been deleted, but I now found that a contact called Wally has this number.
I have given him the opportunity to tell me if it is a genuine reason to be calling this person. I told him if I find out anything, I will destroy him, and tell our adult children. I am playing it cool at the moment, he might slip up again. I am checking the phone records each day. Nothing since Aug, but still the damage has been done and lack of trust . Of course, I have rang the number and a lady answers each time, so its definitely not "Wally".

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/09/2015 06:01

Yes he probably is I'm afraid
Sorry

Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 06:04

any ideas how I can get him to admit, or find out whats been going on

OP posts:
anklebitersmum · 10/09/2015 06:11

well you said you had an address..

Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 06:15

I have done drive by's of the house. I also installed Find My Iphone on his phone, and monitor his whereabouts. So far, I have noticed that he has altered his drive to work a couple of times, driving down this street, but has not stopped.

OP posts:
SomeonesRealName · 10/09/2015 06:18

You won't get him to admit it - and it's not just your gut that's telling you he's having an affair, it's the overwhelming weight of the evidence that he is having an affair that's telling you he's having an affair. My ex doesn't admit it and he's still with the OW over a year from the divorce.

Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 06:23

Does anyone know a way of finding deleted text messages on iphones? I tried the Spotlight Search, typing in some common words that might be used, but havent found anything

OP posts:
LL0015 · 10/09/2015 06:25

I found 2000 text messages on my stbxh phone bill. And he denied having an affair at first.

They are small pathetic and cowardly. They can't accept their own actions because they are not man enough.

What do you want OP? Do you want lying cheating scumbag for a husband or could you look forward to a life alone? It is ok you know!

anklebitersmum · 10/09/2015 06:27

Is it definately just a residential property? A friend of mine stalked her fiance only to discover he was taking private dance lessons. I mean, it sounds like he's cheating but I just thought I'd ask..

Assuming he is cheating I'd wait for the find-my-phone to come up trumps, ring from hidden nearby to ask where he's pretending he is and then go knock the door with a breezy
"Hi, is my husband Mr Anklebiters available please?"

but I am a bit of a sneaky, merciless cow when it comes to cheating and bang to rights

Lweji · 10/09/2015 06:27

Why the threats?
Can't you decide whether to trust him?
Do you want him to be with you because he wants to, or to avoid being "destroyed"?
I think at this point it can't really be a marriage.

anklebitersmum · 10/09/2015 06:30

janaus if you google "how to find deleted messages on an i-phone" there's a veritable plethora of how to's..

Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 06:44

thanks for all your words of support. I feel betrayed, then I feel anger, then for some stupid reason I feel sorry for him, and the what if's. One minute I am telling myself to ignore it, it will go away. But that is no life to lead, looking over my shoulder all the time. Funny thing, its our 39th wedding anniversary tomorrow, isn't that great.

OP posts:
Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 06:47

anklebiters mum, its residential, i keep asking myself, what other reason would he have to be phoning someone at 5.30 am. Yes, he was leaving early for work, "had to get there early, to get on top of things" ... oh yes, pardon the pun, I can just see that,

OP posts:
Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 06:48

maybe I should text this woman and ask if "Wally" is there

OP posts:
DiscoDiva70 · 10/09/2015 06:50

It sounds like he's definitely cheating on you.
Of all the names he could use to try and disguise this affair, he uses 'wally'! :-S

Even though you're not one, does he think you're a 'wally' for letting him continue with her under your nose and that's why he chose this name I wonder?

anklebitersmum · 10/09/2015 07:10

Is she someone he's working with perhaps? Picking her up on the way in to work possibly?

I would need to gather evidence and then catch him cold. But that is me. I can not imagine how you must be feeling with your 39th anniversary pending Sad and Angry for you

BrendaandEddie · 10/09/2015 07:12

Unless he's just giving wally a lift.

Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 07:15

Hubby and I work together, own a small business. He starts early. I come in later about 9. So, its not work related. Funny that the need to start super early is not happening now, starting at 7.30, normal time. Yes, biding my time, I have all the phone records printed out and highlighted, but havent told him about them yet.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 10/09/2015 07:30

any ideas how I can get him to admit, or find out whats been going on If I have said this once I have said it 100 times. The only way to get the truth is to have some leverage. You probably don't have any. BTW threatening to end the marriage is not leverage.

After questioning him about all these phone calls and texts You didn't say what his response was. Surely you can tell if he is lying by his excuses and his demeanour.

Lweji · 10/09/2015 07:38

Tell him you have an sti (and, btw, you want to be checked).

Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 07:45

His reaction was ... I don't know what you are talking about. You know there is no one else. He was very calm about it. Brushed it off, like no need to talk about it anymore.
To me, If I had been accused of something I didn't do, I would be angry, and want to get to the bottom of it.

OP posts:
rouxlebandit · 10/09/2015 07:46

He is not even attempting to hide his phone usage from you. You say he's not tech savvy but is using Facetime. I've never heard of that. God forbid but if I was going to cheat I'm sure I could be a bit cleverer than him. It's almost as if he wants to get caught!

Lweji · 10/09/2015 07:49

If it was innocent he'd explain who this was and how he knew her.

But with those threats he'll never own up to it. Until he's ready to leave.

Joysmum · 10/09/2015 07:55

When 'Wally' gets the same pattern of calls the other number had, you'll have a better idea.

Interesting choice of name for him to save that number under.

Original poster
janaus · 10/09/2015 08:02

Oh... Facetime? You know I dont know anything about that. I hit the wrong button .... yeah right, so dumb you hit the wrong button again, same number, shortly after

OP posts:
coveredinsnot · 10/09/2015 08:13

How can he not be cheating? And what further evidence do you need?