WDYD if the DCs decide they want to live with EXDH because he lives in the "nicer" house?

[MagersfonteinLugg]

That's it really.
EX lives in a very nice house and I have moved into a bit of a shit tip in a crappy area out of economic necessisity.
DS1 wants to be near his mates, DS2 wants to be near the park which is on the doorstep, and DD wants to be near her dad.
I am gutted as I have always been the main carer and feel a bit betrayed, if that makes any sense.
I never thought I would end up as the weekend parent.
Should I put my foot down and insist they stay wioth me majority of time.
EX is rubbing his hands invglee as he sees it as a way to get one over on me not because he actually wants them majority of the time.
Sorry for rambling but really upset.

How old are they?

7,8 and 13

By law only 13 year old would usually be allowed to decide I think

However if ex does not actually want them much you might find them coming back quite fast in your direction

Thats what I am banking on roamer but it still bloody hurts to know that after all these years they are so materialistic.

I'd be heart broken. Mine are 6 and 8 and I would never allow that but I am not in your circumstances.

I don't think wanting to be near your mates or to what is familiar (ie. the park) is being materalistic. It reads to me as more about the kids trying to keep some parts of their lives the same, despite the separation between their parents.

I'd be heartbroken to be honest. And disappointed and angry. Not saying those emotions would be right, but I'd feel them all.

How long are you apart? If it is a recent split, why does ex live in such a great place (original family home?) and you not?

How come he gets a nice house and you don't? Have you had proper legal advice about financial settlements? I would fight this all the way. Children can be selfish and materialistic but they don't always think things through properly and that's why adults sometimes need to make the sensible decisions for them. If you are the main carer, then presumably he works full time, so they need to understand the implications of that in terms of how much attention, care, laundry, cooking, nursing, organisation, transport etc, they will be getting.

Why should you be the 'weekend' carer? Ds1 is unlikely to see much of his mates after school on weekdays as they'll all have homework, ds2 won't be able to spend much time in the park on weekdays as the nights are drawing in, and dd will be nearer to her df for longer when he's not working which, presumably, is at weekends.

If you point this out to them they may start clamouring to spend long weekends with their df - he could pick them up from school on Friday, take them to school on Monday morning, and you have them Mon thru Thurs.

While your ex may be rubbing his hands with glee at the moment, I suspect that a couple of weeks of him having them every weekend will soon wipe the smile off his face and, more especially, when he realises that you're free to go out and 'mingle' while he's a sahd.

Does the 'shit tip' have the potential for improvement? Can you involve the dc in choosing paint/soft furnishings for their rooms, get them enthusiatic about redecorating, and generally work towards making it a home you can all be proud of? The thing about crappy areas is that house prices can only go up they can become gentrified and painting the front door in a Farrow and Ball shade and sticking a couple of tasteful planters either side of it can start a trend even if you do have to chain them to the wall, or cement them in place, to stop them being stolen.

That said, I suggest you tell ds1 he'll be free to decide who he wants to live with when he becomes 16 and tell the other 2 they can't always have what they want. What would be patently unfair to his younger siblings is to miss out on having ds1 as their big bro role model and maybe you can use that persuade him to give up any thoughts he may have of moving out in the near future?

In law ds1's wishes would be taken into account, but that's not to say that a court would take the view that he should live with his df and, from what you've said, it seems unlikely that your ex would want to have the dc full time.

Of course it's hurtful for you to think the dc don't want to be with you because their df's house is 'nicer' but, as independentfriend has said, it's more about them wanting to hang on to the past and what's 'known' than materialism on their part and I have no doubt that none of them actively want to leave their dm - they're children and they don't yet have the depth of experience to think it through, which is why you have to do it for them and put your foot down if necessary.

I'd let them go.

I'd enjoy the peace and quiet and freedom for as long as it took exh's mask to slip and for them to eant to come back.

Let their dad have to do all the dayto day shit because he'll soon grow bored if it! He might be smug now, but only because he believes you won't let it happen.

Just take a moment to imagine how it would actually play out...

I know that's what would happen in my situated.

I think I'd be inclined to let them have every weekend at Dad's for a while before making any firm decisions. Friday night after school until either Sunday night or Monday morning dropped at school, depending on clothes, uniform etc etc Weekends free for you and the opportunity to renovate "the tip" unhindered

I suspect that this is far more about things staying as close as possible to the same for them, rather than wanting to hurt you to be honest.

Whatever you do, and however hurt you must be at the moment, please don't make your children feel that they must love you less if they choose Dad (if it ever comes to that)-it does untold damage and will almost certainly return to bite you when they are older. Like it or not, at the end of the day he's their Dad and however hard it is to accept, he is an equal parent legally and just as entitled to have his children live with him as you are.

have a sounds like you need it

I agree with a previous poster, realistically weekdays they wouldn't see friends or go to the park anyway, that's very much a weekend thing. Definately suggest they go to dad's for long weekends instead, no doubt it will get boring pretty quick. Living with the nrp always seems better to dc, just because it's usually all fun times, if they were there all week it would be homework etc much less trips out and fun time with dad. Also point out if they lived with dad they would be with you at weekends so no chance of seeing friends near dad's house anyway.

It sounds to me like your children are totally taking you for granted. They must be so secure of you to be able to do that. Living with their Dad sounds like an interesting novelty. She you children have one parent they feel completely safe and secure of, and one is fun and interesting to visit. Sounds like you both have done a n excellent job.

I made this choice age 13.
DM moved out because she was having an affair. She didn't move in with him so that wasn't a factor. I chose to stay in family home with Dad because I wanted to be near friends and keep my bedroom etc. Elder brother made the same choice for same reasons.
My Dad had been a workaholic but had to start coming home earlier and start batch cooking at weekends etc. We managed the laundry together, got to know each other properly and had fun. I moved to DMs a few years later when I had got to know her area and some of the kids round there. (Her house was within cycling distance of my boyfriends and walking distance of my 6th form)
I feel I wouldn't have known my Dad properly if DM had stayed at home and always done the daily grind stuff or if I had move in with her.

I too would let them go to their Dad's. I know that it feels hurtful, but it is just a novelty factor at the moment, for both the children and Dad - this will wear off quickly when them all have to deal with the daily grind (packed lunches, laundry and so on). Unlike the poster above who went to her Dad's at 13, your 7 and 8 year olds are not going to be able to fend for themselves just yet.

It will also be good for you to have some breathing space and to collect your thoughts. You don't say whether you work or not, but I would be using this time to channel forward in my career after having children.

I think that the arrangement might do everyone the world of good.

I'd let them go too, tbh. I doubt it will last long at those ages.

Why are they even choosing?
Children should never have to choose between the parents. Not at that age.
The 13 year old should have some say in it. And I imagine the other two may have been following the eldest. But, for the most part those decisions should be made for younger children for their sake.

Would 50-50 work?

And why aren't you staying in the family home?
Were you married? What's the house situation?

I had a friend at school who had been given the choice at 8 and chose her father. As did her brothers. She never properly Iived with her mum again though when I knew them their relationship was pretty good. I have another friend with a son who spends every weekend and holiday with his dad and she knows that if he was given the choice he would move there full time. She has a great relationship with him but is always sad that deep down she knows he would prefer to be elsewhere.

All of the reasons cited by your children are emotional (in my view) rather than materialistic. They want to stay close to what they are familiar with. As hard as it is I wouldn't go in too strong here as it might ultimately backfire. I can't imagine how I would feel in your situation but break ups are so tough on children that I would be inclined to just see how it plays out.

Another one here asking about the inequity of you ending up with seemingly far less that your ex as well.

I'd let them go. And if they changed their mind I'd welcome them back.

I think they are old enough to make the choice. And respecting their wishes is part of loving them.

Where there is no parental neglect or abuse, 7 and 8 year olds are not able to make informed choices as to where they should live as demonstrated by the reasons given by the OP as to why they want to live with their df, and it's questionable as to whether a 13yo can see what is in their best interests in the longer term rather than their desire for immediate gratification, evidenced in this case as a wish to be 'near their mates'.

Is your ex's 'nicer house' the former marital home where the dc lived with you and their df and are their schools closer to your home or to his, OP?

I don't think "near their mates" is a bad reason. Sucks for the OP though
I also don't think you can rely on them coming back tail between legs.

My XH was totally lazy and uninvolved. We do 50/50 on weekdays and I have almost all weekdays. My house is lovely but he has FMH which is far nicer. Two nights ago my 6yo cried that she misses daddy and never has weekend time with him. It breaks my heart that the divorce was his (cheating bastard) fault but for her sake, I'll give up more weekend time. Because 50/50 seems to be right for her.

OP, I would push a 50/50, work out days that suit everyone.

Cab what is FMH?

FMH - family marital home? Not sure.

or former marital home, maybe

I would not let a child make such a decision!!!

You decide what is best for them and go with that decision. Children don't know what's best for them.