Follow up of birthday/is he really that bothered

[Torchlight86]

I recently put a question on about not receiving a birthday card/gift of any sort from a guy I've been in a relationship with for almost 6 months! The general concencious was that it was a bit out of order and I should talk to him about it.

The thing is he is obviously going to feel uncomfortable if I ask him about it and I don't like the thought of putting him in that position, for whatever reason he didn't do anything it's awkward if I ask him like a little kid 'why didn't you get me a present!' Right? I don't know

We live far away from each other and we're seeing each other every few weeks although it was longer between the last times, because of the birthday incident I've been reevaluating some things and I've realised its always me that's pushing to see each other, although he said he wants to and does travel down to me etc I actually think if I didn't mention it would we just not see each other? When he was here last I said about arranging the next time, 'if he wanted to' which he seemed shocked at and said I was being stupid and of course he wanted to, he said he doesn't mess about doing things he doesn't want to do if he didn't want to see me he'd say!

Im starting to feel like I'm not getting what I would like to out of this relationship, and if I'm honest I feel a bit like he's led me to believe (by basically saying it!) he's this reliable, pro active romantic caring guy, but he is not acting in these ways! So is he lying or is he like that but just not with me because he's not that bothered?

Don't get me wrong I'm not one to expect gifts and flowers and grand gestures all the time, far from it, but I am a little hurt that he didn't want to do something nice for em on my bd, even if that were a card with a nice message inside or a mix cd, nothing expensive, just a little sign that he cares! What does everyone thing? x

Why ask him like a kid? How about teasing him, for example? "After all that talk about the thoughtful presents you got your exes, I was expecting at least a diamond necklace, and then what did I get? A text!" Said cheekily poking him in the ribs...

How far away does he live?
Is his birthday close could you ask him what he would like as a gift? (Maybe it would sink in?)

Why have you started another thread on the same subject

The consensus of opinion on your last thread is that you should ask him why he didn't send you a card, give you a small-ish gift, or commemorate your birthday in any way. Maybe he forgot?

If I was dating a guy I'd recently met and told him it was my birthday in a few days/weeks time, I'd expect a card and a small gift such as a bar of soap from lush or a jokey little present which cost next to nothing but was evidence of him having spent time on me outside of that which we spend together.

Six months in I'd expect a night to remember and in both cases it would be no more than I'd do for them.

Long distance relationships aren't easy to maintain and even more so when one party is feeling hard done by as you obviously are. Instead of asking here, you're best advised to ask him and clear the air one way or another.

Fwiw you don't have to ask him why he didn't get you a present - all you need to say is that you were hurt that he didn't sent send you a birthday card and it's made you feel that maybe your relationship doesn't mean much to him.

Hmmmm. OP I once dated a man who was keen to tell me he was romantic and caring, and tell me that he was dependable and trustworthy. He wasn't any of those things particularly - fairly selfish in fact.

What about when you look at his behaviour? Is there anything a bit "off" that you have brushed aside? He can really only show you who he is with his actions, the words are meaningless.

Did he not acknowledge your birthday at all? That's pretty shit. I would not start a conversation about the next date next time and leave it to see how long it takes him to contact you. See if he steps up.

I would go for the honest approach suggested by goddess - you are hurt about the lack of a card. You might as well share that with him. There's not much he can say, though. He didn't forget, as he messaged you. So... He couldn't be bothered?

It's a thread related to the other post but not the same as!

The advice on the other thread was to talk to him about it, my question on this thread is how do I do that without leaving us both feeling a bit upset!

His birthday is ages away, I like the teasing idea but I'm afraid I might have left it a bit too long now!

We live a few hours away, at the beginning of the relationship he said when we were further down the line he'd happily drive to see me after work and go back to work in morn but this has never happened or even been mentioned again, but then he'll say things like 'there's a job going nearer to you I could see you more if I went for it' then never mentions it again and doesn't go for it!

I feel like I'm getting mixed verbal signals and crap actual action signals!

Have you ever been with someone that you basically think is alright but when you start telling people certain things you can hear how it sounds? It's like that, for example, my sis thinks it's really weird that were not friends on fb, but we just got each other's number when we met and neither of us ever added the other one! But I know how that sounds!

The reason I'm asking on here is because I obviously haven't decided exactly how I should approach the subject, if I should approach it or if I should forget about it, I would like to get as many opinions as possible before rushing and handling it wrong! I thought that was kind of the point of places like this goddessofsmallthings?

He sent a text, but I saw him the next day and he has my address and stuff so could easily have bought/sent a card

I think if I'm totally honest I know that he obviously just didn't want to, that's quite hurtful and I guess I just feel like I have to come to terms with that before I confront him maybe

Torchlight - there were plenty of suggestions as to how you could raise the subject with him on your earlier thread.

feel free not to reply to this one! For whatever personal reason I felt like I needed/wanted more advice help reassurance or just to vent a bit more! Anyone who is offended by the fact I've posted 2 similar threads can feel free to totally ignore this one! Honestly why do people get on their high horse about these things!!

this thread looks like a perfect example of that oft-used MN phrase

overthinking it

look love, if you have to plan so carefully and minutely how you raise such a simple issue with someone you are sharing bodily fluids with, something is very wrong

you sound frightened of his reaction, or frightened of yours...I am not quite sure

No not frightened, it's just an uncomfortable situation when you have to question why someone hasn't bought you something, it just doesn't sit right! although I know I need to, I suppose I'm just procrastinating, nobody likes these sorts of awkward chats do they. Thanks for everyone's advice, I'll be sure to let you know how it goes, it could go one of quite a few ways!

The advice on the other thread was to talk to him about it, my question on this thread is how do I do that without leaving us both feeling a bit upset!

Aside from the fact that you're now asking the impossible as no-one here can gauge how upset either of you may feel after you've talked to him, creating another thread on the same subject inevitably gives rise to the suspicion that the OP doesn't like the answers they've been given and are seeking ones they want to hear.

In any event the fact that he didn't take time to buy you a birthday card, or get moonpig to send one on his behalf or send you a bunch of flowers or similar on the day, has caused you to evaluate aspects of the relationship that have clearly been on your mind for some time and you're best advised to talk to him about your concerns and misgivings with reference to where this long distance relationship is going - if in fact it is going anywhere other than occasional meet-ups instigated, it would seem, by you.

If either/both of you are upset afterwards so be it as at least you'll have the answers to some of your questions ,which is more than any of us can give you.

I like to think that if my boyfriend said "that's if you want to..." about meeting up, I'd pick up on the insecurity and talk to him about it. But I also might feel a bit irritated by indirectness and respond like him - "of course I do, don't be stupid".

I really really do not advise making a joke of this. Your feelings are serious, they don't have to be joked about to be raised. If you can't ask him directly, then either he's simply not the one for you, or you need to work on your own comfort with communicating.

Stop apologising to yourself for your own feelings!

Why not just say "my friends and family mark birthdays in a small way, I was disappointed that you didn't mark mine, don't you do that?"
And see what he says.

I think you're right to be wary - it's pretty shit, but some people do do everything by text. I'd never send my siblings a card, text all the way.

Fb - meh. I've never added a boyfriend on it. Even my husband wasn't my friend on there! (He wasn't a big user, and me a reader rather than a user) But what's stopping you just sending him a friend request?

I expect you've got the "he's just not that into me" vibe, because you suggest the meets - and so you're too scared to push the birthday thing because you don't want it to be over. I think that's why you can't decide how to raise it. If you were otherwise happy you'd have said there and then "hello, where's my present?!"

It sounds quite early on for him to be moving near to you - that's a big deal.

Honestly, I think you should ask without joking why he didn't get you a birthday present. No need to do it apologetically and say "it didn't have to be something big". Just ask him why not, and check his reaction.

You seem to be personally offended by me opening another post. It wasn't that I didn't like what I read, and obviously no one can say how we will both feel, but how am I to know or you to know that someone will pop up and say 'this exact thing happened to me, I did this it worked' or 'I didn't this but in retrospect I wish I'd have said this' or my wife broached this subject with me and I wish she'd have said it like this blah blah blah! I though this was a community where people can come and ask for advice, be pandered to if needs be and generally just vent, write down their feelings in a safe place where people have a choice whether to reply or not!

Again thank you for all your advice, it is all very much appreciated

What would you like the replies here to be?

What are you hoping for from this thread?

If all he has to do to keep you happy is pop down every so often, swap fluids and have the occasional chit chat, and you're not placing any more importance on yourself than this, you need to work out what you really want from this relationship and why you feel you deserve so little.

He doesn't seem to cherish you. You need him to.

You can't raise It with him.

If it's this difficult this soon, it's not working and 3 threads down in as many months, you need to see that it's not working.

You are not happy. You deserve to be, you deserve better, but you are not going to get it unless you demand it and unless you find someone who thinks you really are worth it.

It's not this guy sadly.

Just have a conversation .

X post. You want tactics and advice to make him care?

My love, that's not something anyone but him can make happen.

thank you cabrinha that's made me feel a bit more like I know the direction I need the conversation to go in and that my feelings are valid! Maybe I just needed someone to put it in those exact terms/words!

I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself really and a bit disappointed and maybe I just wanted to hear people tell me I'm right to feel like this! On two threads!! Lol

With regards to fb I'm a bit the same I'm not that bother about him being on fb I didn't really think anything of it but other people have said it seems weird, which I don't necessarily think it does but i believe that has made people jump to conclusions that something dodgy is going on and then in turn skewed their advice to me which is why I wanted to seek some advice that was a bit more impartial than just my family!

Hissy, you may well be right, I don't know how to place anymore importance on myself though, I see people around me being treated like they should and being cherished and I don't know what I am doing to keep missing out on this! I'm just a Normal person looking for someone to care about who cares for them, yet I am the common factor in all of my past relationships where I have not being treated right! The magic would be if I could pin point what behaviour I'm doing that is causing this!

What message have I sent out the him to make him think I don't even want a card on my bday! I don't know!!

An awful lot of people are just not fussed about birthdays, though. He may well be one of them. Plenty of adults don't celebrate their birthdays at all unless it's a 'big' birthday. TBH I think raising the subject now is going to make you sound whiny and princessy - you're not six! There's really no dignified way to ask someone why they didn't give you a birthday present.

And I don't think it's particularly unreasonable for things to still be fairly casual after six months. That's not long. Of course, if you're not happy it's fine just to call a halt to it and you don't have to justify doing so. But your posts do suggest you're a bit needy, and if that's how you are feeling, you are better off not dating for a while. Being needy and wanting to be 'cherished' does tend to come across as desperate, and not only does this put off nice men, it attracts nasty ones, who see you as someone it will be easy to bully.

So you are the one that bends over backwards to make sure everyone is happy? The one that puts themselves out? The one that everything is ok always?

Hmm...

Did your parents not prioritise you? Dismiss your feelings? Criticise you?

I think the situation here calls for a difficult conversation, but you know what? You're bloody worth making that effort for! If you don't put yourself on your own list of priorities, how would anyone else?

I'd sit this guy down and say to him that you have a difficult conversations have, but that it has to be had because you're not able o let it go.

Then I would say what Cabrinha says about friends and family making a small effort, but you wondered why he hadn't. Especially given his attitude to gifts for others.

It could be that he feels more comfortable with you, but I think distinguishing between comfort and lack of interest/care/consideration is important. He needs to know that this lackadaisical approach makes you feel he doesn't care much, which is making you withdraw.

I am not 100% on board with SGB this time, but do think for sure that a spot of counselling and emotional investment in yourself will do you the world of good.

It's hard not to seem needy when posting things like this, I'm really not needy and that's what's being stopping me saying something, I certainly don't want to come across as needy! ahen I originally posted about the present it was more a curiosity thing I though 'huh I'm surprised he didn't get em a card or anything, I wonder what other people think' and because my families view is going to be skewed 'you need to be cherished' etc ( not my words!) I thought I'd put it on here where it's anon and people will be honest!

So I would say curious rather than needy :)

Hissy I certainly am guilty of being a 'whatever you'd rather do' type person, but that's usually because I'm genuinely just happy to do whatever!!

I don't know, you've all given me a lot to think about, especially with regards to how I project myself and what signals I am sending out! When you're nearly 30 and everyone else is settling down its hard not to worry that everyone you break up with might have been your last chance! Ha so does make you more likely to put up with more!

That being said I am happy being single, I'm independent and have a lovely child, I've been single for most of my child's life and an proud of the fact I don't need a Man in my life and I would much rather be single than with someone who isn't right!

Of course it would be much better if I could be with someone who is right! :) that's the ultimate aim! :)

I had a ex who did this. Similar set up to you. Long distance, together about 3 months, went on about how he made a real effort with pervious girlfriends and was going to have to think about what thoughtful present he'd get me 6 weeks before my birthday (when we'd been together about 6 weeks). I told him that what is life most is to spend the day /evening together and watched him put the date in his diary to not work.

I had a party a week or so before my birthday to which he brought a bottle of champagne (not wrapped) which we drank together. I presumed it was a contribution to the party rather than a present. A couple of days later he texted me to tell me he'd double booked himself on my birthday and had to work and that there wasn't anything he could do about it, but that he'd make it up to me.

Along came my birthday, and nada. A brief text, nil else. After being understanding about not seeing each other I was really hurt and pissed off. I called him the day after and asked where my card was. He said it was on his desk, he hadn't got round to getting a stamp.

I should have seen the writing on the wall and ended it then. We eventually split up about a month later after he kept making excuses about seeing each other. He was clearly not that into me.

Your dp either has totally different attitudes to birthdays and amount of effort to put in to a relationship, but really likes you, in which case talking to him about the mismatch in expectations may well help. Or he's not that into you. In which case wouldn't you rather know sooner rather than later? No need to make it a big deal. Just tell him you were hurt he didn't make any effort and ask him why.