Page 2 | Follow up of birthday/is he really that bothered

Torchlight86 · 2015-09-09T15:50:51+00:00

I recently put a question on about not receiving a birthday card/gift of any sort from a guy I've been in a relationship with for almost 6 months! The general concencious was that it was a bit out of order and I should talk to him about it. The thing is he is obviously going to feel uncomfortable if I ask him about it and I don't like the thought of putting him in that position, for whatever reason he didn't do anything it's awkward if I ask him like a little kid 'why didn't you get me a present!' Right? I don't know We live far away from each other and we're seeing each other every few weeks although it was longer between the last times, because of the birthday incident I've been reevaluating some things and I've realised its always me that's pushing to see each other, although he said he wants to and does travel down to me etc I actually think if I didn't mention it would we just not see each other? When he was here last I said about arranging the next time, 'if he wanted to' which he seemed shocked at and said I was being stupid and of course he wanted to, he said he doesn't mess about doing things he doesn't want to do if he didn't want to see me he'd say! Im starting to feel like I'm not getting what I would like to out of this relationship, and if I'm honest I feel a bit like he's led me to believe (by basically saying it!) he's this reliable, pro active romantic caring guy, but he is not acting in these ways! So is he lying or is he like that but just not with me because he's not that bothered? Don't get me wrong I'm not one to expect gifts and flowers and grand gestures all the time, far from it, but I am a little hurt that he didn't want to do something nice for em on my bd, even if that were a card with a nice message inside or a mix cd, nothing expensive, just a little sign that he cares! What does everyone thing? x

YellowDinosaur · 09/09/2015 18:58

Gah bloody autocorrect but sure you get the gist

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/09/2015 21:52

Look, before you confront him, or talk to him, or do anything at all, read The Rules. They have a whole chapter on birthdays, and how significant they are. (And what it really means when men ignore them.) Download it on Kindle now and read it tonight, it's really short. Don't contact him before you've read it!

Run a bubble bath, read the book. It'll be a genuine eye-opener, and actually end up reinforcing what you really think.

PS Please don't fool yourself into thinking that 29/30 is too old to find a new bloke. Or if you do think like that, at least use it as an excuse not to waste time on the wrong man.

PPS he ge loved you, he'd drive to see you during the week. Because he couldn't bear not to.

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 09/09/2015 22:21

Thank you I'll have a look now :) x

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Original poster

Torchlight86 · 09/09/2015 23:07

Omg the rules are quite strict! I'm sure they do work but I feel like if I tried them people just wouldn't bother with me! Lol x

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WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/09/2015 23:38

What did you think about the birthday chapter?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/09/2015 23:40

The Rules philosophy is what you need to adopt. Love only those who love you; if not him someone better; next!; etc.

The stuff about not calling, etc, is simply the byproduct of the philosophy. No more trying to talk people into liking you!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/09/2015 23:41

I feel like if I tried them people just wouldn't bother with me! Lol x

People who don't really really like you won't nother with you, but that's the point!

SolidGoldBrass · 10/09/2015 14:15

FFS DO NOT take any notice of 'The Rules'. It's outdated, sexist shit and the sort of man who might be 'won over' by you behaving like a dimwitted 1950s Laydee is not the sort of man you want to share your life with.

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 10/09/2015 14:34

I read the birthday section, I can see the logic behind it certainly but it does seem a bit game play-ey, I've always prided myself on being quite a straight up front person, if I like someone I'll let them know, if I don't I'll let them know etc, although that could be where I've been going wrong! ??

I feel like I'm having a mid-love life crisis, I'm questioning everything I've done with previous partners to try and establish what if anything I could have been doing wrong!

With regards to the situation I'm currently in I had a brief awkward discussion last night, I didn't do it in a direct way, he said something about me booking some time off work (not to see him) and we had a sort of jokey/awkward discussion about who has made the most effort, he said 'he'd come down to see me for my birthday' as far as I was concerned we'd just happened to be able to see each other the day after and it was just a coincidence that it was the day after my birthday, I saw this as a chance and said very jokey 'was that my birthday present? You coming to see me and constantly reminding me it wasn't actually my birthday anymore!' He immediately said 'you didn't get me anything for my birthday' so he obviously recognised I was pointing out he didn't get me anything! And he is right as I said earlier I didn't get him anything for his bday but it was very early on, so in one sense I can understand his point, but I do think it's a bit different (for his birthday though I did spend a lot of time and effort taking a nice picture, nothing dirty!! But a bit suggestive to wish him happy birthday) although that didn't cost me anything it was an effort and at least a gesture I thought! Any way that ended there and we had a slightly strained end to the conversation! I think it's fair to said I didn't handle it very well, but It was revealing none the less!

So basically it seems that he doesn't think he's wrong not to have done something, and although on the face of it maybe he wassn't, I think I would like to be with someone who wants to bring me a little treat or breakfast in bed or some little gesture to make me smile on my birthday!

So it seems all that's left is to have a sensible chat with him and for us both to move on! ??

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Original poster

Torchlight86 · 10/09/2015 14:41

I read the birthday section, I can see the logic behind it certainly but it does seem a bit game play-ey, I've always prided myself on being quite a straight up front person, if I like someone I'll let them know, if I don't I'll let them know etc, although that could be where I've been going wrong! ??

I feel like I'm having a mid-love life crisis, I'm questioning everything I've done with previous partners to try and establish what if anything I could have been doing wrong!

With regards to the situation I'm currently in I had a brief awkward discussion last night, I didn't do it in a direct way, he said something about me booking some time off work (not to see him) and we had a sort of jokey/awkward discussion about who has made the most effort, he said 'he'd come down to see me for my birthday' as far as I was concerned we'd just happened to be able to see each other the day after and it was just a coincidence that it was the day after my birthday, I saw this as a chance and said very jokey 'was that my birthday present? You coming to see me and constantly reminding me it wasn't actually my birthday anymore!' He immediately said 'you didn't get me anything for my birthday' so he obviously recognised I was pointing out he didn't get me anything! And he is right as I said earlier I didn't get him anything for his bday but it was very early on, so in one sense I can understand his point, but I do think it's a bit different (for his birthday though I did spend a lot of time and effort taking a nice picture, nothing dirty!! But a bit suggestive to wish him happy birthday) although that didn't cost me anything it was an effort and at least a gesture I thought! Any way that ended there and we had a slightly strained end to the conversation! I think it's fair to said I didn't handle it very well, but It was revealing none the less!

So basically it seems that he doesn't think he's wrong not to have done something, and although on the face of it maybe he wassn't, I think I would like to be with someone who wants to bring me a little treat or breakfast in bed or some little gesture to make me smile on my birthday!

So it seems all that's left is to have a sensible chat with him and for us both to move on! ??

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Jan45 · 10/09/2015 15:46

Does he every actually take you out anywhere, treat you to anything?

Is he tight?

Cabrinha · 10/09/2015 16:04

And that is exactly why you're wasting your time messing about with jokey conversations... you just get no clarity at all.

Don't be afraid to say what you feel and want, in serious words. Because it will only scare a man off, if he can't / won't give you that. In which case - you've lost nothing, you want rid anyway!

In your situation I'd mail or text him now. And say "look, I felt a bit awkward yesterday and that's why the conversation ended up a bit jokey. But honestly, I think that means I didn't get across what I wanted to say. I was really pleased we saw each other (nearly) on my birthday! It's true I didn't do much for yours, as we'd known each other 2 days. I did send you that flirty photo though, remember? ;) So look... I like marking occasions, I was disappointed not to get a card or a token gift (or a suggestive photo?!) from you. So I wanted to let you know that for future reference, I do "do" birthdays - yours and mine."

Then I'd back off and let him make the first move arranging your next meet up.

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/09/2015 16:42

What a fucking man child what is he 4? You didn't get me anything for my birthday. So has he been stewing over this little tidbit, so that he could feel all superior and righteous knowing he had basically fucked yours off.

Op that shows some planning and quiet scheming, he's full of the milk of human kindness isn't he not.

Dump his spiteful arse, seriously Im seething on your behalf what a tool.

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/09/2015 16:43

I think she got all the clarification she needed

He's a spiteful wankbadger

Original poster

Torchlight86 · 10/09/2015 17:15

I love the creative swear words! :)

I think I'll just end it with him and just say I don't feel like he's acting like he's bothered about me, I won't go into details unless he asks me too! No point wasting my energy! If he asks for details I'll let him know some of the things you've all said! :)

Thanks for pandering to me, I'm aware I've probably made this a lot more drawn out than it needed to be! :) x

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Torchlight86 · 10/09/2015 17:35

Jan45 he's not right, he's paid for hotels and meals etc, I've paid for thing too but I think he's probably paid for more things overall! We went out for some tea, only at a fast food place though, nothing special we just went because we had to eat! x

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Torchlight86 · 10/09/2015 17:35

He's not tight that was supposed to say! Lol x

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Guiltypleasures001 · 10/09/2015 18:07

Still a grudge holding tosspot ;)

Heelsdown · 10/09/2015 18:19

Well, you learnt everything you needed to know from that conversation.

Pathetic keeping tabs mentality, really off putting.

MrsChanningTatum · 11/09/2015 04:43

I've had this happen to me, with someone I had been in a relationship with for about a year. He didn't really acknowledge my birthday. I can't remember if he got me a card, but he definitely did not get me a present. I remember feeling a bit confused as to why he had either forgotten or couldn't be arsed. It became obvious soon after that he was v selfish, and not that into me. He finished the relationship soon after.

I did confront him about the lack of present, he tried to swerve buying me one - horrible man!!

So glad He dumped me. In hindsight he was sooooo selfish. He was good looking that was it. Also selfish in bed too, yuck.

Move on.... and good luck.

I met my dh straight after this relationship ended