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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what would you think about...

48 replies

Madamscorp · 08/09/2015 22:56

Dp of a year telling you the same life event but with 2 different accounts.
I'm paranoid about being outed so won't give too much detail.
Dp was recalling something to me in conversation on Saturday and I remember thinking oh yes he told me about this when I first met him but then it was completely different twist . I am very suspicious due to previous bad relationships. I thought it was going really well with him but now I think he's a liar or bullshitter or both. I was tipsy so maybe he thought that I wouldn't remember the original version or maybe he altered it to protect my feelings??? I don't know.
Basis of it was he was v ill and he found out that illegal drug had been repeatedly given to him ( poisoning ) version one ends with ex gf being culprit. Saturday's version ends with he never found out but someone at his gym could of done it

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Smorgasboard · 08/09/2015 23:29

Either the BS extends as far as never having happened - in which case he is a fantasist - or, he's not really sure who did it and is coming up with different theories each time. For such a major event, it is odd that he has 'forgotten' which version he previously told you.
My guess would be that things that are made up are harder to remember the detail of. Its an odd one, I think look at all aspects of your relationship over the year and base your feelings on that, rather than just this incident. If there is really something that is not right about him, there will be other signs.

EdithSimcox · 08/09/2015 23:36

It sounds a bit dodgy to me. Did you ask him about the discrepancy? I would.

LineyReborn · 08/09/2015 23:37

I agree it's possible that he still theorising about it. But it's an extraordinary tale, really. You'd think he'd remember telling you.

Bogeyface · 08/09/2015 23:43

My first instinct is that it is total fantasy.

He could well have been ill, but made up this story to make himself look more interesting. If his ex did it then presumably she would have been convicted of attempted murder or atleast administering poison. If it could have been someone at the gym then that would have been thoroughly investigated.

A quick google of the rough dates and location of where it happened would bring up any local paper reports, and there would be of something that serious.

Sorry but I smell bullshit, liars need good memories and very few people have one good enough.

Morganly · 08/09/2015 23:45

Highly unlikely that either happened. Really, is it likely that either his ex or 'someone at the gym' would do something illegal and dangerous for a prolonged period of time and that when he found out he didn't report it? I call liar.

I would bin him now but if you were so inclined you could have a bit of fun with pinning him down on details. How did your ex/gym person administer this substance repeatedly for such a long time? What did your doctor say?

pnutter · 08/09/2015 23:46

Agree with bogey. Strange tale.

Original poster

Madamscorp · 08/09/2015 23:46

I wanted to ask about it but I'm not very good at questioning . And I worry about upsetting him or saying the wrong thing , i know it sounds silly and is probably my down fall. Part of me was waiting for him to trip himself up while telling me.
I'm gutted tbh because he was restoring my faith in men. Also completely normal and lovely in every other way.

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Finola1step · 08/09/2015 23:47

Erm..I call bs. Sorry.

If you truly believed that you had been poisoned by someone, you wouldn't say it was someone and then change it to someone else. The events would be so damn serious that you wouldn't mess about like that.

pnutter · 08/09/2015 23:48

And a pretty serious and odd thing to make up if so

Original poster

Madamscorp · 09/09/2015 00:04

I feel silly
Could it be what bogeyface suggested that he said it to sound more interesting?
I'm not aware of any other bs, a good guy in every respect. Good with my dc and we regularly spend time with his teenage children etc .

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Original poster

Madamscorp · 09/09/2015 00:15

The illness I don't doubt as he has referred to his condition to his dc in conversation and they remembered his heart condition.

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GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 09/09/2015 00:20

Why are you afraid of upsetting him or saying the wrong thing? I picked up on that phrase as it's very familiar to me, the walking on eggshells feeling. Does he react badly to being questioned?

Original poster

Madamscorp · 09/09/2015 00:27

No I've always been like that tbh. Also my ex was a narcissistic bastard. He's only ever been lovely.
I do wonder wether he has elaborated on things to appear more interesting .

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Bogeyface · 09/09/2015 00:46

Even if it is "just" to make himself seem more interesting, why would anyone do that?!

The fact is that he is either out and out lying or not being completely honest by exaggerating through his teeth the exaggerating bastard, either way you cant trust what he said can you?

As has been pointed out on MN before, just because this one is a grade 5 arsehole compared to your previous grade 10 arsehole doesnt mean that he isnt still an arsehole.

He isnt as bad as your ex, good. But that doesnt mean that he is good for you.

Original poster

Madamscorp · 09/09/2015 07:35

I feel numb
He's supposed to be spending Friday and Saturday here .
I'm not sure what to do or say .
He has only ever been nice, generous beyond belief, understanding about certain issues I have, loving and caring. Everything else he has said rings true except that.

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Original poster

Madamscorp · 09/09/2015 08:45

I don't like rocking the boat, especially when everything else is great. If I have to question him then how? My instinct is just to message him and ask as opposed to calling him. (I'm not a call person iykwim)

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Smorgasboard · 09/09/2015 09:02

Somehow you really need to get beyond a stage where you are afraid to question a BF for fear of upsetting them, otherwise you will start letting all sorts of bad or odd behavior go unchallenged. This sounds like your past relationship is still affecting you.
The best way to work out whether a BF is worthy, is by gauging their reaction when asking difficult but necessary questions. Without finding this out, you have no info to go on about how emotionally stable he is.
Are you sure you are ready for a relationship? You need to ditch the fear to inquire, and risk any upset, in order to have an open, truthful and understanding partnership. If you can't do that yet, you are on a hiding to nothing and will bury your head in the sand about anyone's faults, which will result in ending up with a twunt.
Never fear losing a man, fear losing yourself more.

Original poster

Madamscorp · 09/09/2015 09:30

I've written a long message. Will send it later .
Cowardly but at least I will know.

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GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 09/09/2015 09:37

Smorgasboard speaks the truth. I'm going to take that advice myself.
I hope you get to the bottom of it, Madamscorp.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/09/2015 10:10

I think you just have to ask. Maybe he's changed his mind about who did it? I don't know. And neither will you unless you ask

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/09/2015 11:10

It sounds like either he was just theorising when he initially blamed his exGF (but it came across as a definite), or really thought it was her. Then after a few months he's thought it through again and now thinks it could be someone at the gym instead. I really don't see the problem and think you're twisting yourself into knots over something probably very innocent. What I'd do is very casually say "I've been thinking about when you were drugged without your knowledge; are you able to find out for sure who did it?". It's not confrontational, it's just you showing interest and will get you both discussing it. And don't worry about bringing it up at a random time, most of my thoughts are random and my BF doesn't think I'm odd (I don't think).

ImperialBlether · 09/09/2015 11:14

I'd say, did you ever think it might be someone close to you, eg YOUR GIRLFRIEND, who was poisoning you?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/09/2015 11:15

"I've written a long message. Will send it later."

A long message?! Please DO NOT send this, you'll just seem unhinged. Seriously, this is not something that should give this much angst, so save the long letters for really important relationship issues where communication, i.e. actually talking has broken down. I think your previous relationship is clouding your judgement so please don't project this onto your DP.

Original poster

Madamscorp · 09/09/2015 11:21

Unhinged??? Really?
The message basically says that this bothers me and I have been lied to before so must question it. I also refer to why I haven't mentioned it before.

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pnutter · 09/09/2015 12:23

I would agree don't send a message saying you are sensitive because of past relationship. This gives him a space to the turn it on you and say you are paranoid (if he is lying )
Just ask about the event itself

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