what would you think about...

[Madamscorp]

Dp of a year telling you the same life event but with 2 different accounts.
I'm paranoid about being outed so won't give too much detail.
Dp was recalling something to me in conversation on Saturday and I remember thinking oh yes he told me about this when I first met him but then it was completely different twist . I am very suspicious due to previous bad relationships. I thought it was going really well with him but now I think he's a liar or bullshitter or both. I was tipsy so maybe he thought that I wouldn't remember the original version or maybe he altered it to protect my feelings??? I don't know.
Basis of it was he was v ill and he found out that illegal drug had been repeatedly given to him ( poisoning ) version one ends with ex gf being culprit. Saturday's version ends with he never found out but someone at his gym could of done it

"Unhinged??? Really?"

Yes, because a "long message" about something that is so minor it should be handled with a casual enquiring chat is OTT. If a man did something like that to me I'd think he had bad communication skills (which doesn't bode will in a relationship) and was possibly highly strung. Not attractive traits. Just ask him, it's no big deal. Plus, it goes without saying that noone likes being lied to, so there is no need to tell him that, and also not good to bring past hurts into a new relationship. He is not your ex, and what you'd basically be saying to him is "my ex lied to me so I'm paranoid about it, and I think you might be lying to me too". Not good.

When he comes round just ask about it.
'Hey DP, something is bothering me a bit, you said 'this' to me with 'this' outcome and the other night it was a completely different outcome. So which one is the truth and why did you feel the need to lie?'
That's all you really need to ask.
See what he says and then see if you are OK with it or not.
I agree that people elaborate stories, for effect, to make them feel more important, to make them seem funnier. All sorts of reasons.
Don't read too much into it - just ask him when face to face.

Text and messaging can be so misunderstood and you don't want that.

"When he comes round just ask about it. 'Hey DP, something is bothering me a bit, you said 'this' to me with 'this' outcome and the other night it was a completely different outcome. So which one is the truth and why did you feel the need to lie?'"

I think accusing someone of lying, when it could have been either a misunderstanding or he found out since he first mentioned the story that his exGF didn't do it, is definitely NOT the thing to do

Its not natural for me to do that. It seems I have more of a problem than I thought. I would cringe asking it. I haven't sent the message.
I guess I will have to take a step back from him .

When I say that I mean In trusting him.
Perhaps Dutch courage might help me to ask.
I don't like asking things.I'm the same at work.

"I don't like asking things."

I used to be the same because I always thought that asking things in a relationship would rock the boat and I'd be instantly dumped. Of course this is rubbish, but it meant I'd get so anxious about wanting to discuss issues (or things I perceived as issues). Do you know the reasons for your reluctance to ask?

I don't know I just feel nosey or like I'm going to say the wrong things. Then overplay it in my head and get worked up about it.

I wonder why you don't like asking questions.
That's the only way to get an understanding of something or anything that you don't know the answer to - surely?

Just remember these:-
The only stupid question is the one not asked!
Asking stupid questions is easier than correcting stupid mistakes.

Maybe look into why you are like this. Counselling or assertiveness training?

Oh crikey. I really don't agree with these responses. I wouldn't normally post but it sounds like you're letting the responses really affect your decision in how to react- please remember to take mumsnet with a pinch of salt- these people don't know your DP and are jumping to conclusions We're all guilty of it, including me

It really sounds like he once got poisoned, or believed that he did, and never really found out who it was, so at the time guessed it was his ex, so told you that version, but because he wasn't sure, this time he's not telling you it was his ex because that was never proved and it's a big accusation to make.

I don't believe he's a bullshitter. I don't believe you should stop trusting him. Just maybe ask him in a casual way, by text if it's easier.

Its a tricky one, you have many people's opinion that he is talking BS, against 1 person who believes him, although equally does not know him to make that judgement either.
What is universal, is that you should ask him, in person, in a casual way. "so you know when you were ill, who do you think it was, exGF or person at gym, as I'm a bit confused by the difference in what you said?"
You should know all you need to then.
You only find out by asking in life, that goes for work and all situations really, so start to address that or it will hold you back.

OK - so there is a year apart in the versions he told you yes? so could it simply be that he initially suspected his exgf, now he has changed his mind or found evidence to suggest this was mistaken or whatever, A confusion in his own mind about what actually happened. I think being poisoned, if that really has happened to him must be very traumatic, and the urge to find out how it happened must be overwhelming and he is thinking through all possibilities and coming up with different answers,.

I don't know - it could all be total bullshit -, but it might have an acceptable explanation - if he is a nice person in other ways and you have no other reason to distrust him, I might give him a bit of leeway on this - although by all means talk to him about it, say you are confused about what actually happened.

I don't know why you didn't deal with it at the time and say, "Oh I remember that - you told me about it a while ago. But didn't you say your girlfriend had done it?"

Can't you do something similar now and say, "I was thinking about what you said the other day. You'd told me about that when we first met, but I thought your girlfriend was involved? What happened?"

And wait for his answer.

When you ask a potentially difficult question in person, you get a hell of a lot of information from the person's initial reaction and their whole body language, facial expression etc.

By sending a text, you miss all of that. If the other person is actually a liar, all you have given them an absolute gift to help them think of a good excuse before they see you next.

What are you scared of?

I have no idea why I worry about asking questions. I'm assertive in other ways with regard to dc . It makes me want to dig my nails in my hands at the thought of asking about it. Maybe I'm immature? Shouldn't be at my age.
The whole thing has really depressed me . My barriers have gone back up and I have worked so hard to begin to trust him.
I am hormonal so I know I'm slightly more irrational than usual.

Did he text you back yet? I had a similar situation a while back with a c nice gent who then I realised was recounting incidents which I had seen completely wrong. Anyway when I called him on it he got mega angry
I binned him it turned out he was just not right in the head.
How long have you been seeing this dude? And I'm v sorry but he sounds deranged. He maintains that someone was trying to poison him over an extended period of time crikey

I also had one of these. It was bullshit. As was much of anything else he'd told me. It blew my mind at the time.

I also wouldn't rely on something being true just because his children remember it. Some of these strange men lie compulsively and to everyone.

I feel so sad about this.
The general consensus on here seems to be he's a liar
He's coming here on Friday but he lives an hour away so I don't want him travelling for me to drop this on him.
This guy had restored my faith in men.
I have no reason to question anything else that he has told me. He is such a nice guy. Warm , generous , funny , makes me smile, kids adore him. My friends do too. Everything my exes haven't been.
I might just send a text .chickens way out I know.
I understand that I won't be able to gauge his reaction to it.

I never implied he was a liar.
A lot of people elaborate on 'stories' for various reasons.

I'd wait until he arrives and then just ask in a light kind of way.
The written word can be so misunderstood.

As I said earlier, there could be any number of reasons. Maybe when he told you he did think it was his GF. Now he's had time to think more, he might have changed his mind. Maybe he thought that by saying it was his GF you'd think he sounded a bit mad / bitter. But if you don't ask him you won't know

Don't text. You need to do it in person and watch his reaction. Honestly, that's the best way of seeing if it's a lie or not. If he texts another lie, you'll have no clue and blissfully carry on unaware. But that might be what you'd prefer I suppose! I lived in denial for a while too.

I agree with other PPs that it might be that he's had a rethink since he first told you and feels the GF wasn't the culprit after all.

I would perhaps ask questions along the lines of
"You know you were telling me about the poisoning situation. Did the police get involved?"
"Did the police interview anybody?"
"Did it ever go to court?"
etc. You may already know some of these. Then you could just say
"I'm a bit confused because I remember you telling me about this happening ages ago, when we were first seeing each other, but I thought you had said your ex GF did it. Have you changed your mind/got further information?"

Then if he says "Yeah I did suspect her but thinking back it couldn't have been her because XYZ" then you'll have your answer.

If on the other hand he says "No I never said that" then you know he's a liar and you can make a decision to bin him off.

Your hesitation in asking about this is really striking. You said your previous partner was abusive; did he react very badly if you questioned him? Have you looked into the Freedom Programme at all?

"The general consensus on here seems to be he's a liar"

That's not how I'm reading it. Also, much as MN is a wonderful place full of (mainly) well-meaning people, don't forget many have had shit relationships and are possibly projecting their baggage.

You've admitted to having trust issues due to a lying ex, so you have baggage, and to compound it you say you're hormonal. So please try and relax and then simply ask him if he ever found out who drugged him. If he then says he doesn't know for sure, that's your opportunity to then say "oh, you initially thought it was your ex didn't you?". He may then reply with, "yes, I was pretty sure a few months ago, but I'm not sure now". All sorted, no accusations of lying. It's really no big deal to ask and it's not dropping anything on him!

Don't ask him by txt or email.

If you want to find out if or why someone is lying to you you need to ask them to their face. So you can SEE their response as well as hear it.

I like ImperialBlether's suggested question