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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What can we do about this horrendous situation?

30 replies

Battlingonandonandon · 08/09/2015 21:18

A female family member is currently living with her DP and his parents. They have very little money so can't afford to rent yet but the situation is unbearable

One of the parents is abusive towards them all and incidents have included: personal items being broken, shouting, taking photos of her, cutting phone wires so she has no access to the landline, changing TV supplier and keeping passwords secret so she cannot use wifi or TV. Taking post, trying to smash the door in when she is in the bathroom and being threatening

Yet when anyone else goes round said person is ultra nice, it is an act though as I've heard recordings that have been made.
I have told her to keep a diary and log it all with the police but she won't....but then says that at some point she thinks she is going to get hurt or killed

I don't know what to do. Surely the police would take this seriously especially as they have recordings ? I think the worry is that once reported it may then escalate if person involved can come back to the property (they own it so it's likely?) I am very concerned what can I do ?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 08/09/2015 21:21

They need to move out. If they cant afford the area where they live, they need to move. Do they both work? What does her do say? How old are they?

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 21:22

Can the family club together to pay for a deposit for them? They would do better going to the council and saying they are homeless, wouldn't they?

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 08/09/2015 21:23

Don't think there is much they can do other than move out. Are they both working? If so then a house share should be affordable.

Original poster
Battlingonandonandon · 08/09/2015 21:23

Early twenties, her DP works and she has just got a part time job after a few years of being very ill (permanent health problem) so she is quite vulnerable.

The rents here are extortionate and they can't afford it but I agree they need to move out.bthey have no priority at the LA due to being in work so they can't access housing that way.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 08/09/2015 21:25

Moving is the only option and they need to work on how. Theyre still very young. House share is a good option. Moving further away to a cheaper area. Even travelling.

Original poster
Battlingonandonandon · 08/09/2015 21:25

I think the trap they are in is having to pay 'rent' to this abusive person which then means they can't save up for something like a deposit. I'm just very worried although my advice falls on deaf ears and she thinks nobody will believe them.
For whatever reason this man has power over them, they are terrified of him but won't leave??

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 08/09/2015 21:26

Can they stay with you short term?

Original poster
Battlingonandonandon · 08/09/2015 21:26

I've even offered my sofa bed to them but they said no. Don't understand but then she says she will end up getting hurt and I do not know what to say or how to help

OP posts:
overthemill · 08/09/2015 21:27

Have they asked LA about housing? Many people make assumptions about the rules without knowing the facts. Suggest they go to Shelter and get advice. From their website:

Priority if you have a medical condition
You may get reasonable preference if anyone in your household has physical or mental health problems that are made worse by where you live, or mobility problems that make it difficult to get around your home.

When you apply for council housing, give as much information as possible about any health problems and how they are affected by where you are living. Explain the difficulties the medical condition or disability causes. Give as much detail as you can. Include details of any doctor, health worker or social worker who can support your application.

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 08/09/2015 21:27

How much rent are they paying?

agardenfullofflowers · 08/09/2015 21:31

Absolute rubbish to say being in work means you are not a priority for social housing, if they presented to the local homeless unit with the recordings and said how scared they are and that they have nowhere else to live then they would be top of the list for housing (the council would consider them homeless due to domestic violence)

Original poster
Battlingonandonandon · 08/09/2015 21:46

Before they got married she was in the second from last priority band and as soon as her dp was working they took them off the housing list completely.
They had a home visit as she has severe problems with the stairs in current property but the council said they were adequately housed

They spoke to a solicitor who couldn't take legal aid for housing problems and they couldn't afford to pay themselves
Ian not sure but think they pay in the region of ??100 a week from what I've heard.

I find it frustrating as keep saying report the incidents and move out. I offered my sofa bed but they declined I don't know what else can I do but I'm so worried

OP posts:
JaneDonne · 08/09/2015 21:49

You know that they are being abused. I'd say you have a duty to report this to the police yourself - it's a safeguarding issue albeit of an adult.

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 08/09/2015 22:01

Does her DP have any type of vulnerability?

They should make an appointment to speak to someone at shelter.

cozietoesie · 08/09/2015 22:26

You said 'One of the parents is abusive towards them' - what is the position of the other parent and how do they fit into all of this? And why is your friend's DP being so seemingly acquiescent in all of this? Is she the main focus of the abuse?

cozietoesie · 08/09/2015 22:35

I should have added - have you mooted the possibility of her moving out hserself if needs be?

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 08/09/2015 22:39

A friend of mine was working and had domestic abuse from her DP. Council rehoused her within six weeks, and that was even with the fact her name is on the mortgage for the marital home. That's how seriously they took her situation. They need to talk to the housing officer. But yes she needs to start logging it with police and if physical then with the GP. Police will put a priority code on her address as well so any 999 call is delt with as super urgent.

Celerysoup3 · 08/09/2015 22:45

Can one of the parents (either one) make the couple homeless so they can present themselves to the local council housing department as homeless.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/09/2015 23:05

I think the social housing situation will vary greatly from place to place. Here, anyone can go on 'the list' and the medical grounds described would give some level of priority.

However, when I watched the TV programme about housing in Tower Hamlets they did seem to be telling working people without children that they would never be able to help. I'm not sure they were actually removed from the list, but they weren't going to be housed any time this decade.

If your relative won't report the abuse to the Police, the best way to try and get help from the Council would seem to be by proving a medical need. I don't suppose there is a Social Worker involved? If not, any HCP who is fully aware of the medical condition & how that impacts on using stairs, might be willing to write to the Housing Department on their behalf?

Either that or move. I know there are people on here who just throw "well move then" in to any debate about housing being too expensive in any certain part of the country & I am usually not one of them. In this case though, it could actually solve the housing problem and get some space between them & the horrible family member.

springydaffs · 08/09/2015 23:41

Tell the police yourself?

lauraa4 · 09/09/2015 00:21

I agree with santa - different parts of the country will have different priority lists over who is housed first. Some places will be a lot easier than others, and in most larger towns/cities the priority people will be those with children, seriously disabled etc. Where I live the most the homeless team would be able to offer is a room in a hostel or supported housing. However all homeless/housing teams will help based on the current situation so they really need to speak to someone.

Although if she is telling you all this but won't do anything about it I don't know what other option you have other than to go to the police yourself. Otherwise your going round in circles.

Whatifitoldyou · 09/09/2015 01:34

You sound incredibly worried about this family member Op. Like a previous poster mentioned , I wonder what the other parents role is in this , and her partners. You say you've heard recordings , were the recordings of verbal or physical abuse ?

Technically there is no reason why she cannot leave. You have offered her a home and she's refused it and is choosing to stay, despite saying she's concerned she's going to be killed. Ultimately she's an adult and it's her choice.

Original poster
Battlingonandonandon · 09/09/2015 06:39

The other parent was previously the victim of the abuse. It is still directed her way but now more towards them as a couple (although her dp not as much as her only really when he defends her)

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 09/09/2015 09:04

So the other parent is now - sort of - conniving with the abuse to stop it being directed at herself?

Original poster
Battlingonandonandon · 09/09/2015 09:12

I'm not really sure I think it is still directed at her occasionally but now the majority of the time it's directed elsewhere

The recording was verbal abuse/shouting/etc and I've been on phone before and heard it all

OP posts: