support thread for partners of alcoholics?

[marriedbutalone]

Would anyone like to join me?

I'm an old hand at this. Sporadic al anon user, fully aware of 3 c ' s etc and 16 years down the line with my alcoholic dh.

I live in a cycle of him being drunk - sober - light drinker - drunk. He's va and ea when drunk.

Something upset him yesterday he hit the gin at 9 am, was very drunk and started on me when I got in from work so I visited family. When I returned he stormed out and stayed at his dd's. She was in contact with me updating about him being embarrassing and a nuisance.

I'm in work now and he is back at home. He started the day with a pity party and asked me to go home from work because he 'needs' me..no apology. I refused so he's on the gin again. When he's like this he will drink a ltr of spirit per day.

All of this for fucking nothing, dreading going home but can't concentrate at work and feel emotional l. I'm so good to him.

Not sure what I want from this..I've read enough to know that ltb is the only sensible option but this would mean that he would die and I don't think I can live with that.
Anyone else suffering similar?

If he did die, it wouldn't be your doing, it would be his own. LTB isn't the only sensible option, if you don't want to do that. You can do anything you want to do, stay with him if you want to. You would feel better if you could find a way of staying with him that doesn't impact on your own mental and emotional wellbeing though. But you don't have to stay with him to keep him alive, that's up to him. You're not pouring the gin down his throat and you're not stopping him from doing it either.

Would you try al-anon again? I do know some people who make peace with what they're going through with a problem drinker, and the ones who achieve (what looks to me as an outsider as) serenity have help and support from people in al-anon. Not saying it's the only way, but it seems to help some people.

I'm sorry you're in such turmoil, it fucking sucks, and your DH is being an arsehole (I am in recovery myself, so I know). Wishing you peace.

Hi, just wanted to offer my support. It sounds horrendous OP. I think you know your life would be much better if you left him, I also know from personal experience that its much easier said than done. I left my H six months ago in large part because of his drinking (which was much less severe than yours.) I'm lucky enough to be relatively financially independent though not in a great financial situation now and thank my stars every day that I have the ability to leave, I know not everyone has that luxury.

But for what its worth, your rationale for staying with him in order that he doesn't die is flawed --- and if you're honest with yourself you know this anyway.

Firstly he's in the process of killing himself anyway with you in his life. I don't know how old he is or how long he's been drinking but someone who drinks gin first thing in the morning and then downs a bottle of spirit a day is on a fast-track to death anyway. Your being there isn't saving him. Secondly, as you will well know from al-anon you can't sacrifice your life for him.

I am wishing you the strength and self-love to come to this realisation on your own. You can't save him. Save yourself.

Thinking of you.

Thank you both for your understanding. I had to find a quiet place at work to read your replies fully because the floodgates opened.

what I want is for my husband to cherish me enough to be sober so that we can live our years out happily together but this isn't going to happen.

He keeps calling me slurring. I make him unhappy, he's leaving me and won't be there when I get back etc. I've stopped answering now.

Will write more later..too upset x

I was a very young single mum when we met, he's much older than me at 56.

I've spent years trying to fix and shoulder this. I don't think I can do it anymore. He's totally paralytic now has been ranting and raging about what a cunt I am.

He was speaking to a colleague when I walked in it was mortifying. .he can barely talk. He was telling her she was the "nishest" person he'd ever known....

It's all so awful he's speaking to his poor old mum now..effing and blinding. I'm hiding upstairs.

Thing is I know he adores me and after this, probably on Thurs the shame kicks in and I've got all that to go through.

I just want normality, nothing special just normal.

Has he ever attempted to stop drinking?

Have you ever threatened to leave if he doesn't?

I'm sure he does love you, OP, but his primary relationship is with alcohol. Unless and until he addresses that, you're always going to be second best. It's awful for him to be like that, he can't be enjoying life and no-one wants to be a fucking addict, it's the pits. But only he can sort this out.

When I was drinking problematically, I knew things were awful, I knew that I couldn't carry on the way I was going and that if I didn't sort my drinking out I would lose everything I had - including my children, who were little, and I was a single parent - and yet I still couldn't do it. I just couldn't. And I hated myself because deep down I knew I loved alcohol more than my children. I don't think I've ever admitted that before. But it's true.

Eventually there came a day when my life was so awful, I literally went to sleep at night not wanting to wake up, and I changed things. It was a choice between living and dying, I chose to live. But before I chose to live, I picked drink over my children, and I absolutely loathed myself for doing that, because what sort of a fucking horrible mother does that.

Not sure what I'm adding to this discussion - just wanted you to know you're not alone and I understand what you're going through, because I put my children through similar. I have a huge amount of compassion for your husband, but I have more for you.

I'm a bit tearful reading this, my DH is in recovery but it's always a bit of a knife edge. Sending you positive thoughts and OP, hope you consider trying Al Anon again, it's great when things get very low.

There's only one way you can stop this and that is to leave him.

You can stay until dooms day but he'll never become who you want him to be.

You need to be honest with yourself about that because it's that hopeless hope that's keeping you isn't it?

It's a very frightening thing to do though.

He has tried to stop countless times but never for very long. I left for a few weeks once and he smartened up. It was probably as bad as it is now when I left that time. Kids were still at home then.

We've had various agreements. Drink Fri only, holidays only, beer only and any other variation. When he is being 'good ' he'll stick to beer but it's every night almost. Even through better times he can have these benders (as I call them) but at once or twice a year I thought I could handle it and it's the price I have to pay for loving an alcoholic.
These benders are more frequent lately. I think he senses a shift in me.

I've just sat through 45 minutes of vile abuse. If I left the room he was trying to call taxis and leave the house. I cancelled one taxi. He can't even stand.

Thanks to all of you who have replied and daisyb thank you for sharing. I don't need a round of ltb, I need exactly what you gave. Compassion and understanding.

He's passed out now but this is not the end..he will wake soon still pickled and start again. He's drank three bottles of wine today and has bought himself a posh whisky for later.
Thanks for being there. I feel very alone at the moment x

There is al anon tomorrow at 6. I will go. Thank you

But why stay with him op?

He might not die! It could be the start of his recovery. Please protect yourself, I can't believe you would put yourself through all this .

I don't know why Mintyy except for clich??s. I love him, he's wonderful when sober etc but most of all I CAN'T abandon him

I think you would be doing him a favour if you left him, I honestly do. You might look at your role in your dh's life as a supportive one, but from the outside looking in it could also be said that your role is an enabling one. Please don't take offence at that.

Very few alcoholics, who are as severely dependent as your dh, recover until they reach rock bottom and while you are living with your dh you are cushioning him from reaching that stage.

Well I'm sorry to be harsh because you are going through a shit time, but you are giving his life a higher status than your own.

You wouldn't be abandoning him, you would be rescuing yourself. Can't you see they are two different things?

You have this one life and you are choosing to wreck it just as he is. You don't have to live like this. You don't have to live with him. There are other men you can love. You can try loving yourself - sounds like you're right down there on the list of what's important to you.

There is only one way you are going to be happy and that's if you leave him. Otherwise it's just more of the same, year after year until he dies.

What if he doesn't die? I don't want to be harsh but he could live for many years like this, gradually getting worse and worse and more and more dependent on you. If his kidneys fail or he gets liver cancer (please understand I don't wish these things on him) he will still be an alcoholic and now he'll be physically helpless too. You're then stuck mopping up this mess for years, maybe 20 years. I wish that what you were going through now was as bad as it was going to get. It isn't.

I agree with Mintyy, I don't think you're helping him. So sorry, OP. I wish it could be different.

Please don't apologise. I know what you are saying is true. It just feels so hard to leave. I can't imagine the destruction he would do if I left I imagine I will forever hear his voice saying " you left me when I needed you the most "
I can't bear this. I love him so much

But you need him, too! And where's he been when you needed him?

Don't get hysterical about loving him so much - I would imagine half the time you absolutely hate him for what he's doing to your life and your children's lives. You dread going home, he's swearing at his poor mother, his daughter's humiliated by him.

Think again about what love means to you.

And if you do love him, the only way to stop him drinking is to leave him. You have tried and tried to stop him (and stayed with him) and it hasn't worked. Let him lose you, let him hit rock bottom and then let him ask for help, find help, stick with the help and then let him get back in touch with a sincere apology for destroying your life.

So wwyd, leave tonight?

Ps. Thank you

Yes. Leave tonight.

Do you feel you owe him something and that is it love him because he took you in as a very young single mum?

What's your home situation like? Do you rent or have a mortgage? I assume he doesn't work.

I really feel for you op, the position you are in is awful! I say this as the daughter of an alcoholic.
My mum refused to leave my dad until us children were older, she had the belief that we needed both our parents together, (I won't go in to how that can seriously mess you up!) we grew up, she left, it took my dad just short of 2yrs to drink himself to death.
My mum had to leave as she just couldn't cope with it anymore, my dad had reached the point of no return so in all honesty it wouldn't have made a difference if she'd stayed or not, he was still going to die from drinking. My mum leaving him was the best thing she ever did for herself, it took her a while to get back on her feet and turn her life around but she did it, she could go and buy clothes for the first time in ages because the money wasn't being spent on drink, she got herself a job and for the first time since us children were born she managed to save money, but enough about me.....

Your husband will either stop drinking or carry on, he will do that regardless of whether you are there or not, you can not make him stop unless he wants to stop. If you are finding it hard now then you will seriously struggle if he continues to drink, if he can not give up then he will get worse. You have to think of yourself, ask yourself honestly if you can live like this for the next 5, 10yrs...ask yourself what will you do if he can not stop drinking....if you choose to stay then please make sure you have as much support around you as possible....if you choose to go you are not abandoning your husband, you are saving yourself!

I'll join you - 23 years in here. I won't be leaving mine either - he's not a bastard even when totally bollocksed, just a complete and utter arse!!
He did hit a real rock bottom a couple of years ago and is working with our GP and a CBT therapist but we have setbacks, regular setbacks. He's only drinking at weekends ATM which is a great improvement.
Staying seems like the least bad option for me. I don't want to leave my home and I am making some progress in disengaging when he's 'off on one' and thinking 'what would I do if it was just me?" then trying to get on with that.
I avoid telling him off, policing his intake etc.
When the shame kicks in could you try talking about the 'past him' who made poor choices and see if 'present him' could think of ways of managing 'future him' who will might make similar poor decisions? Does your DH get any professional help?

Maybe moln but not so simplistic as that. He's much older than me ans was adamant it wouldn't work but I pushed and pushed to have a relationship with him. I was 20. I just feel entirely responsible for everything.
He also got custody of his two dcs so we raised them together from them being 10 and 8. They still live close by.
He would transfer all of this to them and his mum. That's horrible isn't it.

He does work 'at home ' in a very well paid job. We have mortgage, finances are not really a concern

Sorry maybe I'm being too abrupt. I'm probably projecting as I couldn't go back to that life.