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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

support thread for partners of alcoholics?

49 replies

marriedbutalone · 08/09/2015 14:28

Would anyone like to join me?

I'm an old hand at this. Sporadic al anon user, fully aware of 3 c ' s etc and 16 years down the line with my alcoholic dh.

I live in a cycle of him being drunk - sober - light drinker - drunk. He's va and ea when drunk.

Something upset him yesterday he hit the gin at 9 am, was very drunk and started on me when I got in from work so I visited family. When I returned he stormed out and stayed at his dd's. She was in contact with me updating about him being embarrassing and a nuisance.

I'm in work now and he is back at home. He started the day with a pity party and asked me to go home from work because he 'needs' me..no apology. I refused so he's on the gin again. When he's like this he will drink a ltr of spirit per day.

All of this for fucking nothing, dreading going home but can't concentrate at work and feel emotional l. I'm so good to him.

Not sure what I want from this..I've read enough to know that ltb is the only sensible option but this would mean that he would die and I don't think I can live with that.
Anyone else suffering similar?

OP posts:

backtowork2015 · 08/09/2015 21:11

Im sorry I haven't rtft yet but just wanted to say I feel for you, what a dreadful position to be in. I hope you're ok

Squeegle · 08/09/2015 22:26

Hi
I'm sorry you are going through this. I lived with an alcoholic partner for about 10 years. At times he was nice, empathic, considerate etc. Often, and especially after drinking he was an abusive and self centred arse. In the end, he gave up drinking only after I had truly washed my hands of him and he'd moved out. As you can imagine we had a lot of cycles of drink, abuse, sorrow, shame, promises, moodiness and drink again.

As you can imagine too I did a lot of safeguarding. That was my role. Even though I hated it that was my role. ((Co-dependent). It shocked me when I read somewhere about co-dependants liking to be in charge. To be needed. That's their way. I realised then that I had to stop trying to be a saviour. Bizarrely, that's when he gave up. Because I meant it probably. He knew it was up to him.

It was only when I realised I couldn't save him, but I could save myself that it all changed. He took responsibility. He is still sober, even though we have split up. A happy ending of sorts.... Too much had gone on for us to make a go of it. And logically, why would I stay with someone who was so horrible to me... Ever!!!

I can't advise you what to do.... But surely you know that you can't save him. One way or the other, you have to look after yourself. What is it that makes you think you're worth so much less than he is?

Whatifitoldyou · 09/09/2015 00:00

I've no experience of this st all , but your situation sounds horrendous Op. I really hope things get better for you.

newnamesamegame · 09/09/2015 06:50

How are you today OP? I just wanted to see how you are feeling.

Also having thought about this a bit overnight, to reiterate that you are not "saving" him by staying with him. And you owe him nothing.

The posters upthread who said you might be doing him a favour by leaving are right, I think. At the moment you are trapped in a cycle of co-dependency and it isn't going to change until he is forced with the need to confront the situation from within himself.

None of this is going to be easy and I know its awful at the moment. But please don't think that you are helping him by remaining in the middle of this situation.... If you want to leave you should do so with a clear conscience.

strawberryblondebint · 09/09/2015 07:08

As a recovering alcoholic I am going to tell you to leave him. Yes he is ill but you being there is just enabling him. He will hit rock bottom and when he is hurting enough there is a chance he might get sober. But if he doesn't his alcoholism will only progress and get worse. I was at a meeting last night and spoke to a friend who is supporting a lady in her late seventies with an alcoholic husband. She is too old and too frail to leave him and start again so she has to live with him stumbling around, soiling himself and being verbally aggressive. You are not too old and you can start again. It was only when I had lost everything including my partner that I started to want to get better x

Original poster

marriedbutalone · 09/09/2015 08:02

Moln don't apologise, I meant yes you are probably right on some level.

I'm still here, thank you for asking . I really don't feel like going into work today. I have to though don't I?

OP posts:

Original poster

marriedbutalone · 09/09/2015 08:44

Happyinthehills

Sorry I missed your post sorry. I too am much better at disengaging nowadays. I used to try to really control the outcome, hide booze hide cash /cards, anything to minimise the damage.

I don't do that anymore but I realise I still have a long way to go on the co - dependency front.

OP posts:

angelicpenguin · 09/09/2015 11:18

Hi married, another one here who knows exactly what it's like. 12 years married to my alcoholic partner. I don't have the option of leaving as I earn 4x what he does and I pay the mortgage and all the bills. Currently trying to find the strength to start divorce proceedings as he just won't leave and I can think of nothing else to do to end the pain.

I regularly say to myself that this isn't the life I want, but I am trapped in it. It sounds like you are not though. I too would say 'leave' but I know how easy that it is to say and how hard it is to actually do. Hopefully just knowing that there are others here standing with you will help you. I had a lot of support here under another name a few years ago which was invaluable to me at the time.

DaisyBD · 09/09/2015 13:50

I think telling you to leave him may not be helpful. None of the rest of us are walking in your shoes. It may be that you are enabling him, but we don't know that. And we don't know that if you leave him it will provide the impetus for him to get help and deal with his addiction. It may well do, but it may not, and either way it's not your job to make him change.

I do strongly believe that dealing with the consequences of his drinking for him is enabling him, and may be stopping him from reaching his rock bottom, or a point where he can reach out for help.

Anyway, the main point is that you should do what is right for you and forget about what he wants or needs. That's for him to sort out. Bring the focus back to yourself.

Original poster

marriedbutalone · 09/09/2015 17:57

Awful day, he's just left . Please don't say I should have left. He looks so ill I'm terrified, I really hate this drama and would not tell anyone irl .
I took the day off..tried to talk and reason he's talking of being so down hes suicidal.
I talked him out of leaving a few times but he bolted about an hour ago..very drunk.
I'm going to have a bath, clean up all the mess, then god knows what. Feel like I'm just waiting for a knock on the door.

OP posts:

Original poster

marriedbutalone · 09/09/2015 17:58

Thank you for all of your kind words. I'm not responding directly but I'm listening x

OP posts:

Original poster

marriedbutalone · 09/09/2015 18:12

My sister committed suicide when I was 19...I met him a year later. I'm going to arrange some counselling for myself
Would any of you go off work for a bit in these circumstances. Work is worrying me sick too.

OP posts:

tribpot · 09/09/2015 18:19

Addiction thrives on secrecy. You really need to break through this barrier yourself. Is there no-one you can confide in, especially now?

When you say he's left, do you mean he's just gone out in search of more booze? Or he's left in a strop, or he's actually left you?

I can't stress to you how much you are wasting your time 'trying to talk and reason', that isn't possible. Addiction doesn't work that way.

Please find the courage to tell someone in real life. Take care of yourself for once.

tribpot · 09/09/2015 18:24

Sorry, I cross-posted with you. To be honest, I wouldn't go off sick if you can manage it, it cuts off another link to the 'real world' outside this bubble of co-dependency. I'm very sorry to read about your sister.

newnamesamegame · 09/09/2015 18:28

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP.

Just to back up what tribpot says... reason doesn't come into it with alcoholism. He already knows what he's doing to himself and to you.

If work is contributing to the stress then it might be worth arranging to take a week off to try to focus on this.

You badly need some time on your own, to get some counselling, as you say, and to make it clear to him that your life together at least on its current footing isn't viable. I know that's not necessarily a decision you will come to on the strength of this thread but you need to know that its the only option for you long term. And is probably the best chance your H will have to sort himself out, but you need to put your needs ahead of his for once.

Not clear from your post how long he's left for but presumably not very long... please take advantage of the time he's out to try to think as clearly as possible about what you need and how to achieve that.

Original poster

marriedbutalone · 09/09/2015 18:35

I can see from online banking that he has been to a supermarket and checked into a hotel. I think I will try to get to work tomorrow x

OP posts:

Original poster

marriedbutalone · 09/09/2015 18:38

Daughters know what is going on but I'm telling them it's nothing to worry about. I will think about telling my own mum and sister, avoided so far because they hate him

OP posts:

Squeegle · 09/09/2015 19:08

Good for you, agree good to go to work. Try as much as you can to detach from what he is doing...
How old are your daughters? Why do you feel you have to protect them from the truth? Presumably they guess more than you want them to anyway? You can't take on all the pain yourself... You're not respecting their abilities to deal with things. I do understand where you're coming from, but you have to share what is happening with those close to you. It's not your shame...

Happyinthehills · 09/09/2015 20:29

Yes your children will know, better to be honest. If you're worried then you should share that with them.
I found getting on with work invaluable.
It sounds like your DH has got some supplies in and found somewhere to pass out.
Let him come around - maybe to his senses? You guessed his binge would end Thursday. I got a better response from mine under such circumstances if I avoided reacting - leaving him to apologise/ discuss without giving him the excuse of my 'going on at' him.

tribpot · 09/09/2015 22:46

So he's gone on a bender where you can't interfere. Sounds about right.

Your children must be nearly grown if you have been with him for 16 years? I wouldn't lie to them. They need to hear from you that there is nothing anyone can do for him.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 10/09/2015 06:26

I'm not surprised your mum hates him.

What do you get out of martyring yourself like this?

pocketsaviour · 10/09/2015 12:15

OP this is such a sad thread. You clearly have this belief that it's your "duty" to sacrifice your own health and happiness at the foot of the altar of this man's addiction.

Have you read CoDependent No More? I think it could really help you.

Have you considered counselling for yourself at all? This belief that it's your job to fix him has come from somewhere, and finding out where it stems from could be very useful to you in making changes.

Happyinthehills · 10/09/2015 17:18

Thinking of you OP. Have you managed to work?

spanisharmada · 10/09/2015 17:28

Hi OP, re the co-dependant, have you heard of CoDA? It's a 12 step programme that's an off shoot of AA as it is well known that partners/family of alcoholics often embark on this pattern of behavior. I only started going recently but it is really helpful.
You have my full sympathy, it is so so hard. Hope you're OK

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