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Original poster

Lost respect for colleague

40 replies

IAmNotDarling · 08/09/2015 07:16

I moved jobs within my organisation around 3 years ago. I had a hard time as the team didn't take to me very well (I was tasked with introducing some changes) but there was one male colleague who was really supportive. The team is fine with me now but I'm still an outsider Sad.

In work we get on well and sometimes if time permits will have lunch together or grab a coffee. He is married with 2DC and speaks lovingly of his DW.

I have access to his emails for work purposes and yesterday he called to ask me to check them on his behalf whilst he was on the phone. As I was on the phone the email (preview setting) that it was open on was from his lover. I went through the list from the bottom of names and mentioned this email last by name only. He said; 'oh don't open that one, it's just church stuff'.

I'm gutted because it has made me think about all interactions and some of the supportive things he's said to me, which make me wonder if he has been trying it on with me now. I suppose I feel naive. I spoke with DH about it and he just said that he's clearly an arse and I shouldn't be bothered about it.

I had a lunch arranged with him soon (we're working in a different city and have some time between meetings) and I'm thinking of making excuses to move the meetings closer together so we don't have time.

How do I keep working with this man now I've lost respect for him? The email was short but quite clearly this is something that is current and quite full on. Do I pretend I never saw it?

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 08/09/2015 07:19

None of your business. Get a grip.

spudlike1 · 08/09/2015 07:26

Yep! keep out of his personal life and continue to maintain your professional relationship.

Mrsmorton · 08/09/2015 07:30

What sofa said.

Original poster
IAmNotDarling · 08/09/2015 07:31

I didn't go looking for it Hmm and I don't want to talk to him about it!

I'm just struggling with the dishonesty.

OP posts:
Olddear · 08/09/2015 07:34

It's none of your business. Let him struggle with his dishonesty. Now, as you were....

Botanicbaby · 08/09/2015 07:36

Your colleague is not being dishonest to you. I think you're reading way too much into it and your reaction is way over the top.

NoahVale · 08/09/2015 07:41

He is not trying it on with you, he has someone else. no need to end your friendship over it.

Cynara · 08/09/2015 10:31

You sound over-invested in this man. He owes fidelity to his wife, not to you. There's no reason for you to concern yourself about it.

NoahVale · 08/09/2015 10:41

and how do you know it was from his lover?

TheStoic · 08/09/2015 10:59

The world is full of people having affairs. Possibly even some others in your team. You just don't know about it.

It doesn't mean they've got ulterior motives towards every human they interact with.

It almost sounds like YOUR thoughts towards him were bordering on unprofessional. If not, why on earth would you care??

WhoAteMyToast · 08/09/2015 11:06

Going against the grain - I'm with you OP. I can't respect someone once I've seen something like that. I think it depends how important it is that you get on at work.

kittybiscuits · 08/09/2015 11:10

I think you've had harsh advice OP. It's his work email, it's very unprofessional of him to use it for the purposes of an affair and very careless of him to have you look at it under the circumstances. Apparently the lie came trippingly off his tongue. No wonder it's changed your feelings towards him.

OneBreathAfterAnother · 08/09/2015 11:12

Do you have feelings for him?

Only it's a jump to go from him being supportive to thinking he must be lining you up to have an affair with - the man already has a wife and a lover, he'll run out of time soon!

Conducting an affair at work and being careless enough to have you check his emails is a different matter, but that's not what sticks out as being the issue, here. You've identified that it's because it's undermined your relationship with him and you now don't want to be alone with him, which suggests its more than you disagreeing with him having an affair, or find it unprofessional.

By all means cool the friendship, but be honest with yourself about why you are doing it.

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 08/09/2015 11:15

It really is none of your business what he gets up to in his private life, many people have affairs. I would just carry on as normal.

AuntieStella · 08/09/2015 11:15

Yes, it's a wake up call. This person is capable of deception.

Now, he might play it straight with you (as his manner to date suggests). But his DW might think he's playing it straight with her.

There may well be no need to watch your back. It depends how much he compartmentalises. But at least you know early on that he is quite selfish and not inhibited by the usual loyalties, and can deal with him professionally in the light of that knowledge.

Cabrinha · 08/09/2015 11:43

Another one instantly wondering if you were interested in him from your reaction!

I'd also lose respect and be unlikely to want to be friends as well as colleagues. But I'd stay professional and keep my beak out.

ItchyArmpit · 08/09/2015 11:47

They might have an open marriage? Just saying...

winkywinkola · 08/09/2015 11:49

Was there something brewing between the two of you, op?

Sure it's none of your business but it's always disappointing to find out someone is a dirty creep.

lotrben17 · 08/09/2015 12:01

Hmm, I think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself a bit - i don't think your motives are suspect but also I agree that you can't have it out with him - he must've figured out that you checked his work email and he has the preview setting on - or he's a wally. People need to have good boundaries at work - you can be friendly but being personal friends often leads to these sorts of problems...

Fromparistoberlin73 · 08/09/2015 12:26

wow

so people that cheat are utter shits on here, right|? I think I have read enough threads on MN relationships to accurately conclude that's the consensus view.

but when OP unwittingly sees that a respected colleague is cheating on his wife and family, and feels upset by this fact - she is either harbouring feelings for him, or nosy??

Just don't get this fucking thread AT ALL.

OP been there, got t shirt. Just stay professional and friendly but distance yourself to be honest. Its a shame and yanbu to feel disappointed

TheStoic · 08/09/2015 12:31

The OP seems to be upset about what this means for HER relationship with him. Not that he's doing the wrong thing by his wife and family.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 08/09/2015 12:49

None of your business IMHO OP.

Daisychain5 · 08/09/2015 13:00

It is obvious to me that OP was/is hoping for a relationship with him and is gutted to find out she is not the only piece of skirt he is chasing.

LMGTFY · 08/09/2015 13:05

How do you know the 'lover' isn't his wife 'role playing' or that they have an open marriage? Or that the sender is someone from church who has sent it to the wro g recipient? How much of the the email that you were told not to read did you read? As long as it doesn't have anything to do with work, it doesn't have anything to do with you.

KevinAndMe · 08/09/2015 13:06

What fromParis said.

It's amazing how people seem to be able to compartmentalised tbh.
So you know X is likely to be deceptive but as it is a private matter you are not suppose to know, you should act as if you didn't know. Right HmmConfused

Someone who is deceptive with is family is very likely to be deceptive with work colleagues.
Someone who has no issue lying with his family is very likely to have no issue lying at work.
And then there is the issue of trust and respect.

OP you can't have it out with him. But you can take your distances and keep a close eye.
It's a real shame as you clearly have had a hard time within that department (people rarely like change) and he was one of the most supportive people.
I would carry on as normal, keep any distance you feel is necessary but use his support at work whenever you need it. Atm there is no way for you to say if he us genuine in his support. He might well be and that would be a shame fir you to loose that. If he isn't, at least you won't be surprised.