Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Lost respect for colleague

40 replies

IAmNotDarling · 08/09/2015 07:16

I moved jobs within my organisation around 3 years ago. I had a hard time as the team didn't take to me very well (I was tasked with introducing some changes) but there was one male colleague who was really supportive. The team is fine with me now but I'm still an outsider .

In work we get on well and sometimes if time permits will have lunch together or grab a coffee. He is married with 2DC and speaks lovingly of his DW.

I have access to his emails for work purposes and yesterday he called to ask me to check them on his behalf whilst he was on the phone. As I was on the phone the email (preview setting) that it was open on was from his lover. I went through the list from the bottom of names and mentioned this email last by name only. He said; 'oh don't open that one, it's just church stuff'.

I'm gutted because it has made me think about all interactions and some of the supportive things he's said to me, which make me wonder if he has been trying it on with me now. I suppose I feel naive. I spoke with DH about it and he just said that he's clearly an arse and I shouldn't be bothered about it.

I had a lunch arranged with him soon (we're working in a different city and have some time between meetings) and I'm thinking of making excuses to move the meetings closer together so we don't have time.

How do I keep working with this man now I've lost respect for him? The email was short but quite clearly this is something that is current and quite full on. Do I pretend I never saw it?

OP posts:

KevinAndMe · 08/09/2015 13:09

And lol at the people believing the colleague and inventing crazy reasons as to why said emails should be ok.

You know all if that can happen but the chances are very very small.... Just saying.
And if she was the DW, would you also say it was nosy or that it could be the church etc? Very surely NO. So why should the OP believe that???

Alexjoy · 08/09/2015 13:11

How do you know it was from a 'lover'?

PavlovaPalaver · 08/09/2015 13:21

I completely understand what you mean about losing respect for him.

Since becoming older & having children myself, I have seen a family friend (a man who lost all contact with his wife and children since he left them for another woman 30 years ago and had subsequent children) in a new light.

I was a child when it all happened and it is obviously none of my business, but I definitely like him less since I realised all the details.

In your situation, I would pretend I had never seen the email, cancel the lunch & limit personal contact from now on.

Original poster

IAmNotDarling · 08/09/2015 13:27

Sorry for leaving the thread - I'm at work.

No I don't have feeling for him. I respected him as a genuine person in a difficult work environment.

Definitely not from his wife. What I read was clear and unambiguous.

He has been behaving oddly today. I will be maintaining a professional working relationship.

OP posts:

Dontloookbackinanger · 08/09/2015 13:27

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. He is not the honest reliable person you thought he was, and he lied to you. My best friend had an affair with a married man and I no longer feel the same way about her. We're still friends but I no longer see her regularly.

Scoobydoo8 · 08/09/2015 13:31

Difficult - you don't want to become the target of a vendetta if other colleagues would be likely to side with him in a fall out.

Just carry on as before but avoid the lunches if you can.

ScarletRuby · 08/09/2015 13:36

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Ragwort · 08/09/2015 13:37

Agree with Dontlook and others, I would also have less respect for someone who was having an affair, it doesn't matter that I am not personally involved, but it means that person is not as honest and trustworthy as I might have hoped. I don't really understand how people can compartmentalise behaviour just because it doesn't impact on you directly .

Years ago a friend was a great support to me when a partner was unfaithful to me ............. it was quite a shock when he then went on to have an affair and betrayed his wife.

Would you be friends with a murderer/child abuser just because they hadn't murdered or behaved inappropriately to you ?

OllyBJolly · 08/09/2015 13:41

I get where you are, OP.

I worked with someone who I thought was a good ethical guy; absolutely no romantic interest on either side. I knew his marriage had broken up. He told me, boastingly, that he had had several affairs and this made his wife jealous. The jealousy drove them apart. He couldn't help it, he was an attractive guy, had always been a bit of a flirt and couldn't change now. It was his wife's fault - her jealousy was the fatal flaw.

I saw him through a completely different lens after that and found it very difficult to trust him, or his judgement. Yes, what he did with his life outside of work was not my business, but that lack of loyalty and insight and responsibility definitely clouded my view of him. I completely lost respect for him.

TheStoic · 08/09/2015 13:42

I wouldn't. But I don't equate affairs with murder/child abuse.

If you do, I can understand why you'd shun them.

megandmogatthezoo · 08/09/2015 13:44

I'd lose respect for him too. Doesn't matter whether the email was your business or not, it changes who he is in your eyes from a respected colleague to someone who does not warrant any level of trust.

Original poster

IAmNotDarling · 08/09/2015 14:01

Thanks for all your comments.

I've had colleagues who have had affairs before, I've not had a completely sheltered career!

I'm just going to keep my head down and get on with my work.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 08/09/2015 14:10

It is obvious to me that OP was/is hoping for a relationship with him and is gutted to find out she is not the only piece of skirt he is chasing.

Clearly you read too many crap trashy books and magazines then.

SoupDragon · 08/09/2015 14:13

I don't get this thread either. The OP has a colleague who she thought was honest, supportive and a lovely fairly guy. She then discovers that he is a lying, cheating scumbag. I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel disappointed in finding that out and to wonder just how much of what he said to/about you was a lie.

I would distance myself and maintain a professional relationship. I would manufacture some reason not to have lunch between the meetings that are coming up.

KevinAndMe · 08/09/2015 14:14

If he has been behaving odly, I suspect it's because he knows you've read the start of the email (by default, he told you to read them!) and is wondering how you are going to react.

Carry on as usual. I suspect he won't want to make waves either but also know that he will know you know iyswim

Flip

1 2