Getting PIL to see us as a couple

[GummyBunting]

So background- my OH and I have been together almost 3 years, living together for 18 months. We've just baught a house together, moving in soon. We plan to get married next year or the year after, but are not 'officialy engaged' with a ring etc. We also plan to start TTC next year.

His parents have always been tricky. They live in his home town 100 miles away, and have never made peace with the fact that he moved away. They are very needy and dependant; OH is the sole reason for their existance, and they hold him responsible for their happiness.

Every couple of months they fly off the handle and write long letters explaining that they want to stop pretending to be a family, it's just 'too hard' to carry on so they'd rather not try, will cut OH out of the will etc etc. There's always a bit of back and forth and it sorts itself out after lots of tears.

I think a big part of the problem is that they don't see OH as a grown man. They get really upset because 'their relationshp isn't like it was when he lived at home' (10 years ago when he was 18), 'he's changed' etc. Of course he's changed, there's a huge difference between an 18yo and a 28yo! Basically they are distraught because they are no longer the centre of his world, and he doesn't need them as much.

His parents of course know we're buying a house, but don't know our other plans for the future. I feel like they see OH as a child, and refuse to adapt their expectations and behaviour to develop and adult relationship with him.

To be frank, I'm the centre of his life, as he is mine. I'm never considered in their upset. Has anyone been through this, and what did it take for the inlaws to see you as a unit? Do you have to be married? Have kids? Am I just the girlfriend that stops him being with them 24/7 until then? (They want him back home so he can be with them every weekend, and so they can pop over week nights).

Or will I always be the woman that takes their son away from them?
OH has suggested that this time, I join them for the 'resolution' talk that inevitably happens. Is this wise or do I stay out of it?

It would be rather confrontational to say "you've lost one son, and you're going the right way about driving the other away". But it's true, isn't it? If you have a child, your husband is on current trajectory going to have to choose between his parents' escalating demands (and they will escalate) and his own family. Hopefully he'd choose the latter, but that's going to leave his parents in a very bad place.

There are regular threads in which people find themselves cut off by friends, and say that they wish they'd known what they did wrong so they could have done something different. I think you (as a couple) owe them that opportunity: your husband should tell them, clearly, that their behaviour is not acceptable and that the consequences of continuing it will not be good, take the short term tantrum that will ensue, and hope they have the insight to do better.

You don't want to come back with one of those "my mother in law comes over at 8am and stays all day and won't let me hold my own baby" or "my in laws want me to stop breast feeding so my baby can stay over with them at eight weeks" threads, do you? Tell them what you think. Let them scream about it. Hopefully things will get better or, if not, you can at least say you tried. Continuing to pander to them is not going to end well.

"There are regular threads in which people find themselves cut off by friends, and say that they wish they'd known what they did wrong so they could have done something different. I think you (as a couple) owe them that opportunity: your husband should tell them, clearly, that their behaviour is not acceptable and that the consequences of continuing it will not be good, take the short term tantrum that will ensue, and hope they have the insight to do better".

This is true but these are not friends that are being discussed here. There seemingly has been more than one resolution talk which has amounted to anything but. Writing such emotive letters to him as well makes them look further unbalanced; emotionally healthy people simply do not do these behaviours like saying its too hard to carry on or threatening to cut off (in their eyes an errant) offspring from the will. They want a response (the whole purpose of the exercise) and to date they have had this from him. His parents are unhealthily attached to their son and make him primarily responsible for their happiness, they really do not see him as a grown man and likely will never do so.

The key here is your man; what does he think of his parents behaviours these days?. Has he simply since your initial post only concentrated on trying to get you to attend such a resolution talk?. Indeed pandering to them will not work out at all well and it has not to date.

My pil exactly the same. My dh was the lapdog who did exactly what they wanted and when. When he met me he did change! He use to complain about them so I told him to grow some balls and tell them. They were trying to blame me for 'changing' him but in reality he wasn't the 17 year old boy anymore. He became a man who knew what he wanted with a powerful job. A job his dm desperately wanted. When I fell pregnant she was intorable. He nc with them. They got in contact when ds was 8months old. Since they have being on best behaviour. They seem to finally see dh as an adult also they are petrified we stop contact with ds things are a million times better but the change was because my dh stood up for himself and didn't back down. There is nothing you can do its has to be your do who makes the change.

A few people has picked up on the fact that they're bored and lonely, that's spot on. MIL has never really worked, and FIL has been retired some years. They don't really do much other than walk the dog and wait for OH's phone call. They have family close by though, who they visit.

A little while ago OH asked whether they'd consider moving closer to us, but also made it clear that even if we lived down the road, we wouldn't be spending every weekend with them. They don't want to leave their home and family (understandable) because it's just 'not what families do'.

You've all made me feel that I shouldn't include them in future plans, rather continue to be quietly bemused by the whole thing and support OH as needed. If he wants me there with him when they meet up as a show of solidarity I will, but I don't really need to say much or get actively involved.

I'm not masisvely worried about the future, I'm pretty easy going and emotionally healthy but very assertive, I'll be fine. I have no problems putting them in my place when the time comes, it's just not my place to do that yet.