Getting PIL to see us as a couple

[GummyBunting]

So background- my OH and I have been together almost 3 years, living together for 18 months. We've just baught a house together, moving in soon. We plan to get married next year or the year after, but are not 'officialy engaged' with a ring etc. We also plan to start TTC next year.

His parents have always been tricky. They live in his home town 100 miles away, and have never made peace with the fact that he moved away. They are very needy and dependant; OH is the sole reason for their existance, and they hold him responsible for their happiness.

Every couple of months they fly off the handle and write long letters explaining that they want to stop pretending to be a family, it's just 'too hard' to carry on so they'd rather not try, will cut OH out of the will etc etc. There's always a bit of back and forth and it sorts itself out after lots of tears.

I think a big part of the problem is that they don't see OH as a grown man. They get really upset because 'their relationshp isn't like it was when he lived at home' (10 years ago when he was 18), 'he's changed' etc. Of course he's changed, there's a huge difference between an 18yo and a 28yo! Basically they are distraught because they are no longer the centre of his world, and he doesn't need them as much.

His parents of course know we're buying a house, but don't know our other plans for the future. I feel like they see OH as a child, and refuse to adapt their expectations and behaviour to develop and adult relationship with him.

To be frank, I'm the centre of his life, as he is mine. I'm never considered in their upset. Has anyone been through this, and what did it take for the inlaws to see you as a unit? Do you have to be married? Have kids? Am I just the girlfriend that stops him being with them 24/7 until then? (They want him back home so he can be with them every weekend, and so they can pop over week nights).

Or will I always be the woman that takes their son away from them?
OH has suggested that this time, I join them for the 'resolution' talk that inevitably happens. Is this wise or do I stay out of it?

On a practical note, get your affairs sorted and/or marry before ttc as his nearly nearly dead dps aren't at the point of being measured for their coffins and may inherit should he die prematurely without having made a Will.

I trust this doesn't sound too maudlin but have to mention it as others have found themselves done up like kippers when their partners have unexpectedly popped their clogs intestate and, entirely in keeping with the law, precious keepsakes and momentoes have been summarily removed by the next of kin.

"We want you to be active grandparents"

A wish that could well come back to haunt you. You really do not want these people to really have any sort of relationship with any child you go onto have. There is no nice version of them, its their way or no way as far as they are concerned.

You are being overtly optimistic (this is understandable if you come from an emotionally healthy family) re any future relationship with his parents, its not going to happen. They also do not show you any good behaviour.

If they cannot treat either of you decently what makes you think that they would behave better around any child, short answer to that is they would not and they would actively seek to undermine you as parents.

Be very wary before you make promises re grandchildren. My PILs are crazy (and sound surprisingly similar to yours - maybe there's a pamphlet they've read!), and they're never going to accept you. You've stolen their son, don't forget. I suspect that once GC are on the scene, you'll be reduced to a vessel, like I was (and am). Be careful - narc parents make narc grandparents.

Your DH sounds like he's got a good handle on things, so I'd suggest you do what I did after 10+ years of angst, and just let it wash over you. You can't change crazy, just your own response to it.

We receive cards addressed to "our darling handsome son xxx, our precious amazing beautiful granddaughter xxx, and Murloc. Used to get my goat, now I just pity their rudeness.

Good luck!

Yeah, I also disagree that wanting them to be active grandparents is a good idea. Imagine the guilt trips they'll heap on the kid if they'd rather read a book / go to the park / watch TV than sit staring adoringly at their grandparents? (Extreme example but one that doesn't seem that crazy, tbh ...)

I'd keep it to "should we have children we would like them to have a relationship with all their grandparents as long as it's a positive one - we want them to enjoy their time with grandparents not see it as a burden"

I agree with Goddess re marrying before TTC. It's sensible anyway and will take away another stick to beat you with.

"I was so close to mine I'm keen for my children to have close bonds with all grandparents. But it would have to be monitored so closely. I'll be watching their every step and every few months or so just completely remove ourselves and ignore them until they're normal again"

His parents were and remain not good parents to him, they will not be good grandparent role models to any child you have.

As for the monitoring them so closely the damage to them will happen in front of your very eyes; it will only take a snide remark or even a look for that to happen. Going back and forth with contact is just exhausting, these people will also never be emotionally healthy enough for you to have any sort of healthy relationship with them. They have emotionally harmed their son and will also harm you as well.

I do think it sounds as if your DP is doing pretty well with this, especially at only 28. He is doing the right thing by being matter-of-fact and calm with them and taking the wind out of their sails. I don't like the sound of the meetings, but to be fair he probably still has a lot of guilt and obligation that means it's hard for him to just tell them where to stick it. But he does sound as if he can see them for what they are.

I might go to one meeting to check it out, if you know you have the strength not to get angry or sucked in, which would be very hard. I definitely wouldn't be pressured into going to them regularly, and not at all if you don't feel comfortable. But as armgul said it could give you a picture of what he's like with them face to face. If he's firm, calm and doesn't buy into the drama, thats a good sign.

But I'd mainly be gently encouraging him to carry on as he is, and perhaps get further, to a point where he doesn't do the meetings either. You want to be gently detaching from them more and more. You do not want to be in these people's pockets when you have DC – they WILL see the DC as their possession (as they see their DS). You need to be able to say no to them, and be united about it.

As long as you can do that and you have DP on your side, who cares what they think. The key is not to give them any power over you.

oops armful not armgul sorry!

'I feel like there's still somthing to fight for, or am I being overly optimistic?'

In the nicest possible way, I think you're being overly optimistic. It's not possible to have a relationship with only the 'nice' side of someone. The PILs are proving a real challenge for you and your DP (understandably) and you are two grown adults. I would suggest they are way too toxic for any child to be exposed to. Parents like this tend to turn into grandparents who are one extreme or the other - either they worship and smother the child and have ridiculous expectations of them, or they are not remotely interested. And they may swing between these extremes all the time!

I understand that you had a good relationship with your grandparents,and that's genuinely lovely, but please realise that not all grandparents are like that. Try to focus on the reality of how things are, not the fantasy of how things could be. Believe me, I know this is hard but you would be protecting yourself in the long run

Also agree with other posters that your DP is coping with this brilliantly

Your DP seems to have a god handle on this and it doesn't seem he responds to emotional blackmail. Which is why I think you should leave any NC decision up to him. Men can pull away form anyone parents or partners who try to exert to much control. Frankly no one likes it.

I would imagine that being 'active grandparents' will involve them keeping meticulous score on how many times your family have contact and insisting on having exactly the same.

Personally I wouldn't go to any meeting, but then again, I would also suggest that neither does your OH. What does it achieve, other than giving them a stage for their batshit craziness to be aired?

Have you given serious thought as to whether you both want his parents to have your new address?

We are working with a brilliant mortgage broker/ financial advisor who is helping us get all legal bits in order, so will etc are being done over the next few weeks.

It's just so difficult to give it up as a lost cause because when we do spend time with them they're SO NICE. They are never ever mean or awful face to face, it's only ever in emails and texts. When we're there they're just so elated to be spending time with their son that they're an absolute delight. It's like jeckyl and hyde.

These sessions are always kicked off by something, usualy because we've mentioned that we visited my parents (of course). This time it's because we've hired professional movers instead of asking for their help. We don't want their help anymore and are pushing them away, apparantly.

They are emotionally abusive, but in a really nice way. Is that a thing? Everything is done and every hurtful thing is said only because they love him so much. They are the victims in their mind.

I'd not give up. Let DH go alone, and especially as you say they're nice in person, I'd not burn any bridges. My Mil is blummin' hard work but was at her very best when the dcs were little, a real help and obviously loved their company. Fortunately as they've got less keen to be doted on by a 'soppy granny', she's got older and is happy to see a little less of them and keep in touch via regular FaceTime and letters. The strong ties she forged when they were tiny are still there and they take responsibility for keeping in touch with her.

Abusive people can be nice sometimes to their chosen victims but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. His parents are truly a lost cause.

They are nice to him in their home because they have what they want; his very presence. After all, he is still primarily responsible for their happiness in their minds. Their actions are in no ways loving ones and they are not nice people; their actions instead are borne out of power and control.

If you do meet with them you will as a couple come off far worse from any meeting. I would suggest neither of you attend.

Attila that's the very worse case scenario. OP and her partner send strong and aware. There's every chance they can handle this situation and get along fine.

Sound not send!

I haven't spoken to my MIL since she ruined our wedding day.

2 years on, she is still a manipulative cow.

Hasn't even met our son and hasn't seen our daughter since she was a baby. Her choice. She won't apologise to me, so she doesn't get to have a relationship with the children.

I read Toxic Inlaws - very helpful, would also recommend. You just need to realise, having kids will make things worse, not better.

Good luck. I've found the whole thing incredibly stressful. It's the only source of arguments between myself and DH.

Off topic here but if you succeed in TTC before you get married you do know that you have no legal rights to any assets in his name only nor any financial support other than fairly minimal levels of child maintenance if you split, don't you? Just saying, in case the situation with the PIL becomes unbearable, you do need not to be financially dependent on him so that you are able to make choices.

What is stopping them from selling up and moving next door to you? I'd be scared about this in your situation.

Are they likely to kick up like crazy when you plan/have your wedding?

I'd leave your DH to deal with them and try not to get involved too much. Breezy indifference is the way to go.

Visit them when you want but don't discuss anything of any importance. Stick to the weather and whatever is on TV. If you decide to get married don't discuss ANYTHING with them. Hand them an invite and tell them everything is sorted.

I think you are misguided if you think it's a good idea to set down rules with them. It won't work. I also think it's misguided to think they will be able to be good grand parents. I'd visit occasionally but would keep it to a minimum and I'd encourage your DP to go alone.

I don't understand why you care about whether they see you and your ASAP as a proper couple.

I know it sounds a bit mean but his family shouldn't be your problem. I'd leave any dealings with them to your DP.

Love isn't selfish or self seeking, it puts the loved person first. They are not doing this because they love him so much, they are doing this because their behaviour in some way gets their own needs met.

From what you're describing and these awful sounding resolution meetings I suspect they thrive on the drama and badly need a hobby to replace their current hobby, which is your dp. Do not go to the meetings, it's the equivalent of feeding a troll a bag of cream cakes.

These resolution meetings sound like something a cult would do.

Absolutely do not go to one - there's nowt to resolve! You've acted like normal people and they're acting like massive pita drama llamas. Just no. (Wouldn't it be amusing if your dh went to the next one and sat them down like naughty children and said, "actually, it's your behaviour we need to discuss...")

Get the legalities as sorted as soon as you can
Gradually reduce contact, ignore the tantrumming.
Get married and enjoy your day. Tell them nothing about your plans
Laugh off any summonses to resolution meetings with a breezy 'oh mil, honestly, you do like a fuss don't you? There's nothing to talk about, we accept your apology... Oh? our behaviour? We've done nothing at all wrong, there's no need for any of this. Have a lovely evening, bye!"
Don't tell them you're ttc
Don't ever, ever leave them alone with your children.
Let dh take the main role here - they're his parents, your attitude should be one of eye rolling bemusement at their insanity.

Skiptonlass, spot on - I grew up in a family like this and it is very much like a cult.

OP, swinging between nice and nasty is a classic sign of emotional abuse. Its absolutely head wrecking. Their behaviour is seriously out of hand and its highly unlikely there will be the outcome you're hoping for. People don't just magically change into reasonable and respectful having previously been smothering and engulfing

Your not being overly optimistic,I think your being really lovely to them.

It's such a shame that they behave the way they do sometimes because when they're behaving normally it sounds like you really love them.

Do either of them work OP?have hobbies/close friends other family members?Beacuse from what you've said they sound like they're extremly lonely and I can only imagine having lost a child has made them alot worse in they're behavior.