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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed urgently please...

44 replies

AgeingDiscoDancer · 07/09/2015 11:05

On Sat I found out that my H of 20+ years has been having an affair for the last few weeks. I am completely distraught even though we have been through a rotten year and we have not been as close as we once were. In my heart I knew things were going wrong and had even considered ending the relationship myself. But finding out the way I did has turned my world upside down and I am devastated.

His timing couldn't have been worse as I have a job interview for a fantastic sounding job tomorrow. How on earth do I pull myself together, look like a professional and sell myself when I feel utterly broken? Is this the right time to take on a new job anyway? Should I stay with the colleagues I know and get on with? Or is this an opportunity to shake up my life for the better? I really don't know what to do. WWYD?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 07/09/2015 11:07

Do the interview!
It's not committing you to anything, but it is giving you more options.

Are you in work today? If so I'd tell your boss what's happened and go home.

Or to a hotel, and try to SLEEP.

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2015 11:07

This is absolutely the right time to take on a new job. You can still keep in touch with your old colleagues. It'll be such a distraction and you'll meet lots of new people.

I'm really sorry you found out he was unfaithful. It's a really awful feeling - you will be in shock for a while so treat yourself gently.

Flowers and good luck with the job application.

Mabelface · 07/09/2015 11:08

Get your game face on and go and get that job, leaving your h way behind. I do share your pain. Good luck to you x

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 07/09/2015 11:12

Do the interview! Can you nip to your GP, explain the situation, and ask them for something to help you sleep tonight? Knowing you will be able to have a good night's sleep can make the world a better place.

Have you had time to research the job? Would you be able to focus on just that for 24 hours?

And your H is an idiot Flowers

Original poster
AgeingDiscoDancer · 07/09/2015 11:23

Wow thank you for all the messages ladies!

You are all right...I must pull myself together and do it. Don't feel as prepared as I should but I have taken today and tomorrow off as annual leave. I may need some extra time off in the week after its over as it's going to take a monumental effort.
Told my boss first thing this a.m. so I am home - he's gone. I haven't slept at all and look and feel awful. But all your words of encouragement have really helped. I will try to focus and get some prep done.

This really is crap. I'm angry, hur,t confused and don't know where to start. I'll probably be on tomorrow for advice about how to move on after a 20+ year marriage. I have been with him all my adult life and can't bear the thought of life without him. But he's been a bastard and I need this job.....

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2015 11:36

It's so horrible isn't it!?
Even though you were considering ending it, the thought of the betrayal after so many loyal faithful years from you just cuts so deep.
But... You have a great opportunity coming your way tomorrow so don't blow that. You know you can scrub up, put on your happy face, and go get that job.
You can fall apart in the evenings.
That's what I used to do.
Get through work, I needed the distraction, but evenings would be crying and sobbing and curling up in a ball and not sleeping.
You will get through it though.
For now focus on tomorrow then you can think about where your next focus is.
Sorry you are going through this.
Time to shake up your life and find out who you are.
It doesn't feel like it now but it is quite exciting.
Good luck tomorrow. You can do it!

deste · 07/09/2015 11:42

Yes you do need the job and we are all willing you on to get it. Prepare like you've never prepared before and put all your energy into it. Turn up looking amazing and even though you might not feel it, be confident. Switch him off for the next twenty four or so hours and good luck.

Sighing · 07/09/2015 11:47

Honestly put all of you into that interview. Rock it. Own it.
Stuff him and his drama. You were contemplating out. Here is that opportunity plus a shiny new job opportunity too. This is new start time. Grab it with both hands!

Original poster
AgeingDiscoDancer · 07/09/2015 12:08

Thank you for all the words of encouragement.
I will give it everything I have and will let you know how get on.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2015 14:05

Go for it.
This is something I often post on this kind of thread:-

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
? Haruki Murakami

Original poster
AgeingDiscoDancer · 08/09/2015 15:29

Well, the interview went pretty well. I held myself together and was fully focussed and would go so far as to say I quite enjoyed it. Got slightly thrown off course when I realised I had taken his passport instead of mine for ID but managed to get back on track.
Will find out tomorrow if I have got it.

I discovered that while lying in bed awake through the night, instead of worrying about all the shit that's happening I just kept telling myself over and over, 'I am strong', 'I will get through this', 'I will not wallow'. Believe it or not it really helped.

OP posts:
slicedfinger · 08/09/2015 15:31

So glad it went well for you!

hellsbellsmelons · 08/09/2015 15:37

Well done OP.
Glad you actually managed to enjoy it.
Keep using those mantra's. They will get you through.
Will cross fingers again to tomorrow for you!

Original poster
AgeingDiscoDancer · 08/09/2015 15:50

Even more good news...Just had a call to say I have been offered the job!!

Thank to all the MNers who encouraged me. I might have gone through with it without you.

OP posts:
ShitHappens1 · 08/09/2015 16:38

Amazing!! I'm so happy you got it. Congratulations! What a fabulous opportunity to channel your energy in to whilst you're going through a bad time. I'm so pleased for you!

Hoppinggreen · 08/09/2015 16:39

Brilliant news - it's a sign that your new life is going to be awesome!!!
Well done

Cabrinha · 08/09/2015 16:39

Fantastic! Well done. See - a new start Grin

hellsbellsmelons · 08/09/2015 16:41

Wow - you must have impressed them.
Massive well done.
Just goes to show you can do ANYTHING.
Here's to your new wonderful exciting life!!! Wine

barnet · 08/09/2015 16:42

You rock!

BitOutOfPractice · 08/09/2015 16:44

That is just fantastic news OP

Take that as a true indication of what a fabulous, strong and capable woman you are!

He on the other hand...

Is he still elsewhere?

GaryBaldy · 08/09/2015 16:45

Well done OP I am a month on from where you are now (without the fancy new job Wink) and every day gets better and I feel stronger.

lunar1 · 08/09/2015 16:47

Congratulations!!! You did so well to hold it all together.

Penfold007 · 08/09/2015 17:01

New job and a new start, onwards and upwards Flowers Wine

shovetheholly · 08/09/2015 17:02

Congratulations! Wine Wine Wine

And my God, that must have taken some strength. Good on yer.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 08/09/2015 17:36

DO.THE.INTERVIEW

new chapter, and new you a coming and this is perfect timing. as they say "fake it till you make it"- plaster a smile on

I am so sorry for this, you must be very shocked