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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed urgently please...

44 replies

AgeingDiscoDancer · 07/09/2015 11:05

On Sat I found out that my H of 20+ years has been having an affair for the last few weeks. I am completely distraught even though we have been through a rotten year and we have not been as close as we once were. In my heart I knew things were going wrong and had even considered ending the relationship myself. But finding out the way I did has turned my world upside down and I am devastated.

His timing couldn't have been worse as I have a job interview for a fantastic sounding job tomorrow. How on earth do I pull myself together, look like a professional and sell myself when I feel utterly broken? Is this the right time to take on a new job anyway? Should I stay with the colleagues I know and get on with? Or is this an opportunity to shake up my life for the better? I really don't know what to do. WWYD?

OP posts:

hesterton · 08/09/2015 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aramynta · 08/09/2015 17:45

Congratulations on the new job OP

Be kind to yourself. Being strong is amazing but if you don't let the tears fall now and again it knots up inside and comes out at the worst times.

Also, don't be alone. See friends, family (DC's? Grown up or still young).

You have a whole new blank diary of life. Fill it with incredible things.

DoreenLethal · 08/09/2015 17:46

Excellent work OP. Excellent work.

Now lose the baggage and start your new life.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 08/09/2015 17:50

RTWT! well done OP, you are super star

Fiddlerontheroof · 08/09/2015 17:54

I"m 4 years in after husband of 20 years had 5 year affair...I'm also 5 and half stone lighter and a million times happier. You are truly amazing, hang in there for the rollercoaster, it's great when you get to the end xxxx

Jux · 08/09/2015 18:32

Brilliant! Well done

Now you have a new job to distract you from everything about exh, which will probably be very helpful.

The best revenge is a good life, and you're on the way! hic!

tribpot · 08/09/2015 18:38

Just goes to show you can do ANYTHING.

Quite right. Well done, AgeingDiscoDancer, you rule.

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 08/09/2015 18:38

I've only just read this and was preparing to wish you good luck and all that, but it's now good luck with the new job and your new life.

It won't be easy as you've got a lot to cope with, but never a truer phrase than 'as one door closes another one opens'

All the Best OP

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/09/2015 18:52

Fantastic news! New life, new job, amazing future ahead of you!

tableanadchairs · 08/09/2015 19:39

wow bloody brilliant OP. A bit of positive news in a shitty week.
Look on this as the start of your new life, An opportunity to make new friends and colleagues and share experiences. You don't need 12 stone of dross hanging round your neck.
Are you celebrating with tonight and good friends ???

You are amazing and should be so bloody proud of yourself

AyeAmarok · 08/09/2015 20:13

Well done OP!

springydaffs · 08/09/2015 20:23

Wow! That's fantastic!!

spudlike1 · 08/09/2015 20:37

Big for you

Original poster

AgeingDiscoDancer · 09/09/2015 10:51

So, after the monumental effort of holding myself to get through the interview I have completely fallen apart today.
Can't stop crying, didn't sleep a wink last night (5th night in a row with little or no sleep) and feel utterly, utterly crap. Went in to work thinking I've just got to get on but broke down when my lovely colleagues gave me a hug. Once the tears started I can't stop.
I'm new to all this. Is this normal? I've made an appointment to see GP but am not even sure if that's the right thing to do...with a new job to consider I shouldn't really take any sick leave. Should I take the new job at all?
I am so confused I just don't know what way to turn.

OP posts:

tribpot · 09/09/2015 10:57

That's the adrenaline crash. Quite normal when you've been through a period of extreme stress - don't underestimate what it took out of you to hold it together for that interview and to perform under pressure.

I'd try to ride it out for a few days and see if you feel calmer after the weekend. The GP may suggest a very short dose of sleeping tablets to help you get some rest - and don't underestimate either the power of sleep deprivation to make you feel physically ill. If you need to take a day or two and you've got a generally good attendance record at work I wouldn't worry about having to declare it to the new work.

And yes absolutely do take the new job. You're moving forward. It's daunting but amazing. Let provide your new anthem.

Aramynta · 09/09/2015 11:33

Its OK to feel how you do. It is an extremely stressful situation. You have every right to break down and cry. In fact I think in the circumstances you need it!

As for the job, you need to do what is best for you at the moment. A new job presents a nice fresh start but you have supportive colleagues where you are now. Take it one day at a time at the moment. Speak to your Occupational Health department as they can help work wise.

Definitely see your GP. They can give you something to help with how you are feeling, be it anti-depressants or sleeping tablets to help you rest.

Whatever you do just keep going. The end of such a long term relationship is very similar to the grieving process. Go with it, and don't isolate yourself.

KissMyFatArse · 09/09/2015 11:46

Doc appointment is probably a good idea. Maybe take a few days off and recharge. New job means new start where you can be the new you.

This is very early days and you'll be all over the place but stay strong and good luck x

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2015 11:51

Oooo.... we've been there.
When you think the tears will dry up but they just don't and you can cry for hours on end with no let up. The sobs just get louder and louder.
It will ease. I can promise you that.
So many of us have come out the other side.
But you will need to cry and you will need sob, you will need people with you and there will be times you just need to be on your own.
You will definitely need to keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up! Orange juice ice lollies, sugary tea and soups will help (well they got me through anyway). I couldn't keep down anything solid for ages.

The new job is a new start so you need to really think carefully before you turn it down because it could be the making of you.

In a month the tears will have subsided. You'll just have the odd evening where you need to sob your heart out. Your heart hopefully won't feel like it's been shattered into a thousand pieces and stomped on. It will feel more like 100 pieces as it mends itself.

Go the GP. I left it too long and hadn't slept in months.
Mine just gave me sleeping pills to help get me back into a sleep pattern. If you have an appointment then definitely go along and get some help. The adrenalin will only keep you going for so long.

for you. Look after yourself.

Jux · 09/09/2015 18:31

You're normal! See the doc, tell him what's happened, ask for help.

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