Husband has left feel utterly alone !

[HaveToWearHeels]

Came back from family holiday on the 28th, we have a daughter who is 6 next week, I am 45 and he is 42. I love him with all my heart and soul and I feel like my heart is breaking twice, once for me and once for our beautiful daughter.

We took daughter to her first day back at school on Thursday, an hour later he was telling me it was over. Frida he went to stay with his parents. He came to take her out on Saturday and he was so distant, I just wanted him to hold me, he is my best friend and I waited so long to find the right man.

I wasn't aware anything was wrong. I was made redundant in July and have been a full time Mummy over the summer and he works from home 4 days a week so we have been in each others pockets with not a lot to talk about. But I have just started looking for another job and have had loads of interest so it wouldn't have been long.

My parents split when I was 7 and I want better for my girl, she is my world and we went through a lot to get her. No one else is involved and I believe him as we are together all the time.

He has suffered mental health issues about 3 years ago but saw a councillor and had a copy strategy in place. I though we were rubbing along nicely, now I have lost my job, my marriage, my best friend and now my home and I have no control over any of up.

I worry about the finances, about being on my own, about my daughter not having her daddy to tuck her in at night.

He is not good with speaking about his feelings, I know that and have learned to live with it. But if he had spoken to me earlier we could have worked at things, but he didn't and now he says It is too late to try.

So sorry to read this -
No advice, but didn't want to read and run.
Hopefully somebody with good advice will be along soon.

Are you close to his parents?

thanks MiddleAgedandConfused thank you for listening
Noah no not really, they are not the warmest of people, which is why I think husband has issues.

take small steps, op. one day at a time.
you will be fine

It's really hard holding it together for our daughter, she loves her daddy so much. With him working from home most days he was very hands on collecting from school and taking her to different after school activities. She is my little ray of sunshine right now !

If he's working from his dps' home can't he still be hands on with dd taking/collecting her from school and keeping her until bedtime or having her stay over with her dgps once a week and every other weekend?

As his departure was so sudden and apparently unexpected by you, could it be that there's a ow that he's been keeping under wraps?

goddess he is picking her up from school today and spending time with her. I think he is bringing her back at bedtime. It's hard for him to have her there as he is staying in spare room so no room for her. His parents are weird and have their own rooms !

He is coming here tomorrow for tea so hopefully will be part of the routine and go after she has gone to bed. DD was asking lots of questions last night, she is a bright little button.
why is daddy not here ?
why is he staying at nannies ?
why can't he read me a story ?
when is he coming home ?

I asked him about another woman and he denies it and I do believe him. For the last two months he has been out 4 times with his friends and I have dropped him off each time. We spend so much time in the same house I would notice if he was slipping out. I honestly think he is has mental health issues ! He doesn't share ANYTHING and I mean anything, he keeps it all bottled up and then explodes. He says we don't talk and he is right because I will ask him something but I get nothing back. I talk and he just listens. He takes nothing in either which I believe is a sign of mental health issues.

I am reading this thinking this is me. I am going through something very similar. We have a 5 year old daughter and my husband has told me that he wants to move out. He is being irrational and behaving very strangely. He is under enormous pressure at work and I am pretty sure he is having some kind of breakdown. I am distraught and devastated. On the positive side he has agreed to come to marriage counselling but part for me thinks he's just going through the motions and he has already decided in his head to separate. Last week he went on holiday on his own as he said he needed a break. He has come back worse than he was before he went away. My heart is breaking for my daughter. I am thinking of you and your daughter and really hope you get some resolution.

He never shares anything - so he could be keeping loads from you.

He clearly does not even want to try so I'd guess it's been over for him for a while.

Your daughter can have better, two parents that just don't live together anymore, it's no big deal, sorry but there's no point in staying for the kids sake, no need either.

Sorry it must be awful not even being able to discuss what has gone wrong here, can't help but think he's hiding something...

My Xh did the same, walked out with no warning and refused to talk about the problems saying that it was too late. DD was 4yo at the time. I was 40 and he was 48.

You have mentioned that you have asked him about another woman. There may be , there may not be, but quite often there is in these situations. Other times it can be down to mental health issues. Can you encourage him to see a doctor or a counsellor with you? although obviously you can't make him do anything.

It is very hard to get your head around a situation that you simply did not see coming and it will take time, so really be kind to yourself.

The main thing is to look after yourself and your DD. She needs routine and regular contact with him. Start to prepare for a life on your own, but try and keep talking to him.

Don't beg him to come back though. It won't achieve anything.

Sort out your finances, ring the Council and get your Council Tax discount. If you are on Tax Credits , ring them and change it to a claim as a single parent. Check all of your outgoings and see if you can make any cutbacks anywhere.

Thank you all for you kind words and thoughts. It is definitely over, he is moving into a house we own and have been renting out. He is being considerate and as kind as he can be but will not see a councillor. I am going to stay in the family home until the new year then look for a new home for myself and my daughter. He will continue to pay what he already does towards the family home as stability for our daughter, who still knows nothing. We can't sell the family home until Jan 2017 but hope to rent it out for a year, which means I would need to go into rented for approx a year.

I don't claim anything as I was made redundant in July and received a large pay out. Not sure if there is anything I might be entitled too. I have seen a solicitor and I believe I will come out of this financially secure which is a huge relief. He doesn't know I have seen a solicitor.

Samp09 so sorry you are also going through this hell. I also believe my husband is having some sort of breakdown. The thought of telling my daughter makes me feel physically sick. DD & H are very close and he is a very hands of Dad, sharing the school run and taking to after school clubs. I hope for her sake he continues.
She had a school friend round yesterday and was over tired and emotional, I left the bedroom and when I came back she was holding a picture of her Daddy, she looked up and me and with a tear stained face she said "I miss my daddy". It broke my heart, but with one simple phone call to daddy he came round to read her a story. I only hope this continues for her sake.

I would advise contact between him and your dd does not take place in your home. It is confusing for her and he no longer lives there so really shouldn't be walking in and out any more.

I too think OW tbh. His behaviour is textbook. Sorry.

You sound as though you're doing all of the right things HaveTo. Remember that you only get a say in your financial and legal arrangements from here and you have a responsibility to yourself and your daughter to check that you're happy with them.

Be prepared for the domestic arrangements to evolve. What you want this week, (e.g. him coming around to read a bedtime story) might not be what you want next week.

Just know that you will get through this, and a time will come when you feel strong and happy and excited about the future again.

thank you all, have had a shitty weekend. DH had DD all day Saturday. I had her today and spent the day with my Dad. This evening she asked when Daddy was coming home and I said I didn't know and that it might be me and her for a few days yet (it is her birthday on Thursday and we plan on spending it as a family). She got really upset and asked if she could call him, so we called him and it went to voicemail, she just said "when are you coming home daddy". Almost broke my heart. He called back and asked what the hell I was doing getting her to leave messages like that ! WTF ! I wasn't even in the room when she left the message, she is 6 next week, she says what she wants to say I have no control.
Does anyone have any experience on how to go about telling her ?
DH has suggested that tell her "in passing" and he will talk to her when he see's her, he thinks us both sitting down with her is too "formal" !

Another bad day today, feel like I need to rip my skin off.
I really miss DH and feel so alone.

Your husband is an idiot. Of course you need to sit down and explain this to her and to reassure her together that you both love and cherish her, you just don't want to live with each other anymore.

I am afraid to say I would place a large bet on their being an OW. Be prepared for him to "meet" someone in a couple of months' time.

I've had a call from his mum today, she is very upset and what has happened and can't understand what he is playing at. She confirmed that he hasn't been out at all in the 12 days he has been staying there apart from work and when he had taken DD out or been here.
She is trying to talk sense into him but he is saying although he still loves me and will provide for me and DD he can't live with me any more.

Has he said why op?

Honestly, OP, when you describe this man I cannot understand how he was your best friend. It sounds like he didn't really listen to you and never reciprocated because he didn't share anything. It doesn't sound like you were emotionally close. And now it sounds like he's being incredibly immature and selfish in the way he's handling this. It doesn't matter much if it's because he's depressed or not - this is who he is and this is what he's doing. None of it seems positive and I wonder if you wouldn't be a lot happier with someone else. Maybe you'll be looking at this in a few years and thinking it was for the best.

BitOut not really just he doesn't think we have enough to last another 30 years.

And has he offered any ideas / positivity about how to address this (very vague) problem.

I think many people use a "midlife crisis" as an excuse to act like an arsehole.

OP, first of all

Second of all, like the other ( for all of you too) my DH also did this to me. I also thought we were very happy and within a week he was gone, as was my home and life as I knew it. I know how you feel. I think for me that simple sentence would have meant a lot to me when I was going through it as I felt totall lost and alone.

At the time, my DH was also under tremendous pressure and I felt he had some sort of mental health problems. It was so strange as he'd never raised even a niggle with me and all of a sudden it was hopeless. I could never understand how we got from to B.

Turned out in my case he in fact did have mental health problems, and for whatever reason this made him lose his love for me that had always been so strong. He isolated into himself. He blamed me subtly for the fact that he was unhappy, although he had no clear reason why. I think he just felt "I am not happy anymore" and thus thought it must be something lacking in his marriage.

It took years for him to realise he was wrong and was only ill.

Yes, he did eventually realise he was ill and got treatment, but no, at the time he absolutely thought his only problem was his marriage (although like your DH he lacked clear reasons) and refused to get counselling or try anything. It was only when he got considerable more ill after leaving that he got treatment - and even then he did not come home.

No, we were never able to work it out because he never got better. I think I was the love of his life and when he left me and lost me I don't think he ever got over it. He is still in treatment years later for major depression that won't lift. He was classified as having a breakdown, but not until it was too late.

At the time he was just convinced he didn't love me anymore.

Ironically now he is congnitively aware he never stopped loving me, but the very nature of his serious depression makes him unable to sort the problem, unable to care enough to do anything about it, and unable to feel enough hope and positivity.

After years of waiting, I had to move on.

He never met anyone else and lives alone.

It's tragic.

Depressed people can sometimes genuinely lose the ability to feel love, to feel hope, to feel affection and they feel the need to isolate or mke changes and their behavior can be irrational.

That said, the cript is also the same if he has another woman.

At the end of the day the result is the same, and all power is gone from you. This journey you will have to take will be the hardest of your life and you will feel alone and it will feel like he died. You will feel shock, panic, anger, agonising pain and terrible lonliness and yearning and grief.

I am so, so sorry OP. It is so very unfair.

The truth is even if he is able to get to the doctor or the counsellor, if he is unable to talk to you or be self aware enough it does little good. For example he will go to the counsellor and say his marriage i the problem, and he / she will believe it and will help him on leaving the marriage - both unaware the marriage might not be the problem at all.

He will need to take this journey alone now.

I can't express how sorry I am, but you need to love yourself now. That's very important. You can do this.

You are braver and stronger than you think.

xxxxx

This may help you OP...it's from a Blog Called Wings of Madness and my DH read it and cried as he said it described exactly how he feels....

Sometimes the Depression Self-Screening Tests are just too clinical, and the symptoms don??t really ??click?? with you. Some of the criteria are general, and if you??re suffering from depression, specifics are easier to understand.

I know that I might not have diagnosed myself with depression just on the basis of those symptoms. I had no change in appetite, and no sleep problems (getting out of bed was what was difficult). Below are some un-clinical symptoms.

    Things just seem ??off?? or ??wrong.??

    You don??t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.

    You??re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.

    You feel like you??re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.

    Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.

    Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can??t seem to express yourself.

You??re having trouble making simple decisions.

Your friends and family really irritate you.

You??re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.

Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It??s like your smiling muscles are frozen.

It seems like there??s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.

You??re forgetful, and it??s very difficult to concentrate on anything.

You??re anxious and worried a lot.

Everything seems hopeless.

You feel like you can??t do anything right.

You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.

You have a feeling of impending doom ?? you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what, and/or??

??You have a very specific fear that torments you constantly.

In your perception of the world around you, it??s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.

You feel as though you??re drowning or suffocating.

You??re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.

Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn??t seem to affect you, you don??t bother smelling flowers anymore.

Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

if you maybe show this to your DH and ask if he feels this way you can explain to him that he might have depression. If he listens perhaps there is hope. It is very hard to communucate with a man who is depressed if he is not wanting to take the facts on board, so good luck. I know that it's a very long road either way and depression has no easy cure or fix

It replaced all the punctuation with question marks hen I copied and pasted from the website so I hope that can still be read OP.

The website is here: www.wingofmadness.com/what-does-depression-feel-like/