Husband has left feel utterly alone !

[HaveToWearHeels]

Came back from family holiday on the 28th, we have a daughter who is 6 next week, I am 45 and he is 42. I love him with all my heart and soul and I feel like my heart is breaking twice, once for me and once for our beautiful daughter.

We took daughter to her first day back at school on Thursday, an hour later he was telling me it was over. Frida he went to stay with his parents. He came to take her out on Saturday and he was so distant, I just wanted him to hold me, he is my best friend and I waited so long to find the right man.

I wasn't aware anything was wrong. I was made redundant in July and have been a full time Mummy over the summer and he works from home 4 days a week so we have been in each others pockets with not a lot to talk about. But I have just started looking for another job and have had loads of interest so it wouldn't have been long.

My parents split when I was 7 and I want better for my girl, she is my world and we went through a lot to get her. No one else is involved and I believe him as we are together all the time.

He has suffered mental health issues about 3 years ago but saw a councillor and had a copy strategy in place. I though we were rubbing along nicely, now I have lost my job, my marriage, my best friend and now my home and I have no control over any of up.

I worry about the finances, about being on my own, about my daughter not having her daddy to tuck her in at night.

He is not good with speaking about his feelings, I know that and have learned to live with it. But if he had spoken to me earlier we could have worked at things, but he didn't and now he says It is too late to try.

Fourleaves I found your earlier post about your ex's depression very helpful because it resonated with something that happened to me. It's too early for me to know whether he'll ever be happy again or whether he'll ever find love again but the signs are not hopeful.

I decided early on that I couldn't wait, hoping that he might return to his normal self one day. I just took him as he was each day and tried to focus on caring for myself and building the next chapter of my life.

fourleaves thank you so much for your post, although heart breaking to read. The mental health issues he had in the past caused him to have obsessive compulsive thoughts, and I believe he is suffering again from these thoughts making him believe out marriage is not a happy one rather than he is not a happy man. One thing he said to me was "I need to listen to my head rather than my heart" but surely you love with you heart not your head ?
I feel completely helpless. It is my DD's 6th Birthday today and it was so sad getting up this morning and not having him here. I have dropped her at school and spent the morning in tears under a blanket.
I spoke to his mum yesterday, she called me, she can't understand what he is doing and reiterated that he has no specific reason for leaving, only that he didn't feel any passion for me anymore, we got along well but not enough to last another 30 years. I don't know if she knows about his previous mental health issues, so I am unsure if I should mention them to her ?
I just wish he would speak to someone. We are going to have to tell out DD soon and I really don't know how I am going to cope with that.

OP, I am crying reading your post because the same thing has happened to me. I thought DH, me and our 5yr old DD were a rock solid family, despite his mental illness and a rough run of circumstances. I thought we could weather anything.

A few months ago he dropped the bombshell that he was desperately unhappy in our marriage. I was devastated. We talked, we tried counselling, and we said we'd give it time to try and sort things out, to give things a chance. Last night he told me that he feels worse. He says he loves me and he fancies me but he's profoundly unhappy. There is no one else involved. I have no idea how to explain this to DD.

I'm in your position. My heart goes out to you. If you're in London, let me know - I'd be happy to meet.

Boxes So sorry you are also going through this turmoil. Heart breaking. Over the last few days I have realised that he is very selfish, and that is helping me deal with this a little bit. We went out for DD birthday and had a reasonably nice time (ie we made it nice for her). When he asked how I was, I said "not good really" his reply was "jesus Heels, you really know how to drag me down, lets just have a nice meal" WTF, me dragging him down.
It was her birthday party Saturday and he looked after her while I prepared the food, I cant tell you how many times I told him the party was 3-5. At 2.10 they still weren't back so I called him and he said they were getting balloons and would be back in 10 minutes, but what was the panic the party didn't start to 3.30. He brought her back and I got her ready, he said he needed some clothes to wear and went upstairs and came down with them in his hands. Its now 2.25 so I say "are you getting changed now ?", his reply "no I will go to mums and get changed, see you at 3.30" !
Told him again it was 3pm and that I needed to set up for 3pm, this was met with a blank look. So I set it up on my own.
He also refused to tell DD, he didn't think we needed to take the heavy had with it. She was asking so many questions, I didn't want to keep lying to her, so I just told her that Daddy didn't love Mummy anymore but he loved her to bits and that would never change. We both loved her and she could see Daddy and speak to him when ever she wanted but he wouldn't be living with us anymore. She cried and asked "why didn't he lovely Mummy any more as I was a beautiful Mummy ?", "Daddy must love Nanny more than he loved her because he wanted to live with Nanny and not her", "what if Daddy decided he didn't love her anymore ?". Almost broke my heart, we cuddled and I told her about the love Mummies and Daddies have for children is different love to the love Daddies and Mummies have for each other. I am not too sure how much she has taken in yet or how it will affect her in the long run.
This is so hard !

I hate to say this op, but from your last post, its almost as if he is acting in such a way to create as most stress for you as possible, that's no way to live, he clearly is not interested in your welfare, you will find in time as you distance yourself from him, live will become easier, he is selfish and a coward, let him go, he clearly us not worth the amount of hassle he is giving you. You are worth more than that.

bjrce he has unfortunately always been that way. I used to get sick of repeating everything to him.
We have had a terrible week, DD is really unsettled at bed time, she asks me the same questions every night, I repeat the answers and try to reassure her, she then wants to speak to him and asks when he is coming home, when will he read her a story etc. He had the cheek to say that she couldn't ring him at bedtime anymore because it was upsetting him and not achieving anything. I told him that what it achieved was once she had spoken to him and he had reassured her then she would go to sleep.
I told him I know that it is tedious keep answering the same questions but that's what we have to do. She is now crying every night and is breaking her heart that Daddy doesn't want to speak to her. I am not getting her settled until gone 9pm and then she is struggling to get up to get to school.
He was also seen out at the weekend in a furniture store, which means he must be getting stuff for his new place.
I am so angry with him for what he is doing, his total selfishness and the lack of information I am receiving.
I have also had 1/2 hour free with a solicitor and he has no idea how this will affect him financially. He is quite materialistic and likes to have nice things but he really hasn't thought through what he is about to loose, it indicates a knee jerk reaction, which supports my mental health theory.

Exh had depression and a breakdown a few months before he left. After treatment he said he saw everything differently and wanted to come back (too late by then for me.) Be prepared for that op. There doesn't have to always be another woman.

Re how the dc see it. It's hard. I had the evening phone call thing as well where my dd wanted to ring, then she would be upset if he didn't answer and I would have to console her at bedtime. Fortunately it fizzled out and she doesn't ask any more. We had a birthday party for dd just after he left too. It was awkward and we haven't done it since. Weekly contact by prior arrangement and no calls in the week works best for us. Children do adjust however hard it is in the first few months.

That's not the conclusion I'm coming to from reading your posts Heels

I feel so sorry for you. But he's not depressed. He's just s selfish wanker

There's absolutely no way that fucker is depressed! Someone seriously suffering from depression wouldn't be able to think clearly, let alone go out buying furniture.

He has his own plans for the future and they don't involve you or your DD.

Bit out of practice is right, he is one selfish wanker. You need to completely ignore him when he starts with the "depression shit", tell him you're starting to get seriously depressed yourself, every time you have to listen to his whining on about himself.

FGS get rid and start living your own life. He is only going to pull you down, you by the way are not pulling him down, because he doesn't give a shit about you. Get finances sorted and independent of him.

I don't mean to be hurtful to you, but you need to get tough. You cannot rely on this man.

heels I have been through a very similar situation - my H of 28 years left suddenly without telling me as he wanted to lead an independent life and wasn't happy. He has since then lived in the spare room of a relative. We are both retired. Most people on MN immediately plump for the OW scenario as if it is all they can compute..when you live with depression you can see it - when he said the "you really know how to bring me down " comment was he angry by the way ? I get the rest of it with the clothes scenario.... the lack of focus and purpose .. People like this end up looking at the world in a skewed way - they see intrigue where there is none, they think people are looking down on them, they see their partner as being to blame for - what? - their own feelings of inadequacy and everything ! ...mine was either crying or angry or wallowing in his own feelings or ruminating about things. People cannot believe what he is done . Sadly there is nothing that you can do to help a person who does not want to be helped. Did you speak to him about depression and if so, what did he say? Certain medical situations can exacerbate feelings like this ...I have battled this for 3 years and in the end it just sucked the life and love out of me. I don't know what else to say to you but that while it seems like a disaster now it could in the long run be the best thing. Sometimes people just can't be helped. You are young. You can have a new future. Don't waste it on someone who isn't willing to help themself x

You poor darling. Many, many of us have been through this heartbreaking situation. I can remember my darkest hour was sitting in a corner, howling, a bottle of gin to hand! I thought my life was at an end. I could not see a way forward. I was rejected, abandoned, discarded. I could not accept it. He said there was no one else. It turned out there was, there usually is but not always. I ranted, raved, begged, pleaded, but to no avail. We had been together for 25 years. He was my family, my life. Fortunately my son was older, 17 at the time. Although it did affect his school work. Eventually I had to accept it. He did not want to be with me. It took many years for me to get over it. But I truly did and am now happier than I have ever been in my life. Now, I have just been through it again, with my son. My darling son who has two children aged 9 and 7 has just gone through divorce as his wife decided she did not want him any more, she went off with the carpenter who fitted their new kitchen! We are coming out the other side now. But as a mother I have been able to give him masses of support and help him set up a lovely home where the children have their own rooms, clothes, toys and feel really at home. That is so important. They need to feel as at home with daddy as with mummy. If his parents want to help that's what you could tell them to do. Help their son create a home for your daughter. Either at their house or help him organise a place of his own. The stability and continuity of the children's life is important.

There are men who are not suitable marriage material. I have a friend who seems perfectly normal at face value, but he left his wife because he felt he could not live with her anymore. It was nothing to do with her. The problem was him. He was not really capable of emotional attachment to a woman. He has spent years in counselling and has now accepted he has limitations as far as relationships are concerned. Men like that should have a health warning written across their forehead! Sadly many women think they can change them. THEY CAN'T. This particular man still hankers after the idea of a close relationship and has tried several since he left his wife. He let's them all down. As soon as he feels they want an emotional commitment he is off faster than the greyhound out of the trap. Your husband may be similar.

It's hard to accept rejection. It's hard to accept it's over. But you will be able to build a new life. Try and work together to create a stable routine for your daughter. Children are very resilient. If there is enough love and security she will be fine. Let grandparents help if necessary and other family. It takes a whole village to bring up a child. They benefit from the different contributions made.

Who knows if your husband will have a change of heart one day. Who knows how you will feel about it if he does. Don't dwell on that, just take one day at a time. There is no point in trying to persuade him to change his mind. Once someone has emotionally and mentally moved out and on, it is futile to try and change their mind.

It will take time, you will have set backs but life will be good again for you.